Homophobia to tolerance- a lifelong journey
I haven't been to the land of LJ for a very long time.... but I thought I would cross post something that I put up on my FB page yesterday as part of National Coming Out Day
I have been working on this off and on for the last couple of weeks. Seeings how this is is National Coming Out Day, and in light of the recent suicides of teens who were either gay or suspected of being gay, and the stupid remarks made by NY gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino, I give you my story. Just be warned- this is a long read.
This is my story. It is true. It documents how I went from being a homophobe to who I am today. Some of you may have heard it, but many of you have not. That is all well and good as here it is now- a tale I have been meaning to type for a very long time.
The vast majority of my formative years were spent in rural Georgia where the idea of homosexuals was extremely foreign. I remember kids in school saying that one should not walk around with a limp wrist because that was bad. And God forbid that you left your hands under the table at lunch because you might be touching yourself- or someone else.
We eventually moved to Colorado where I attended high school. The school was mostly white bread with a couple of minorities thrown in (mostly Mexican although there was at least one black kid). And there was one kid who was suspected of being gay. There were the occasional jokes about how he couldn't fart properly because he had anal sex. I mean it was just common knowledge that being gay was wrong and that there were certain physical changes that happened when you engaged in such activity.
I eventually joined the Navy- a bastion of manly men if ever there was one. If you were gay don't even think about joining because it wasn't allowed- this was pre-Don't Ask Don't Tell and any hint of homosexuality was subject to immediate discharge. Boot camp was filled with overt heterosexual innuendo. If it had a tab it was a dick and if it had an opening it was a pussy. Your web belt was put on with the dick to left ad the pussy to the right. Watch caps were rolled for stowage so that they formed a pussy. No doubt about it, the only people allowed here were the straightest of the straight.
This was also in the late 80s and what were to be the final years of the Cold War. The "reason" for not allowing gays to serve- they were a security risk. If the Soviets learned that you were gay they could use that to exploit you for information. Security was everything.
My first ship was stationed in Long Beach, CA and my time there was going to be an intriguing one. There was lots of outright innuendo. Let's poke somebody's butt with a broom- usually to illicit a response. I saw a fight nearly start because of this. There was the occasional "alpha-dog" style humping taking place and seemed to be tolerated by those in senior positions- if they were aware of it.
There were two incidents that will always stand out in my mind during the time I was assigned to that command.
Because my first ship was an LST (Landing Ship Tank) we had spaces for the Marines to stay when they were embarked called, appropriately enough, troop spaces. The first incident that truly sticks out in my mind happened in one of the troop spaces.
Because we didn't have any embarked Marines my department was responsible for making sure it was kept clean. I had been assigned, along with another sailor to make sure things were still straightened out. We went to the space and were making sure things were tidy when he came up behind me and started humping me. I was a bit confused at first and was unsure what to do, but then I felt an unmistakable bulge begin to form under his pants. At that point I fled. I was confused and embarrassed and what would I say if I told someone? Let alone who could I tell. Who would believe me? I ultimately just let it be and this guy never bothered with me along those lines again.
The other incident was probably innocuous enough, but considering the other.... I had been out on liberty and was hanging out in downtown Long Beach. I had hung out for a bit too long because I had missed the last bus that ran back to the base and I didn't have enough money for a taxi ride back. So I opted to walk back. It really wasn't that far and the hardest part was going over the bridge. As I started my hike a car pulled over and a military-looking guy asked if I needed a ride to the gate. "Sure. No problem, thanks." I hopped in and we proceeded toward the base. Small talk ensued and somewhere about halfway over the bridge he decided he was going to put his hand on my thigh. The response from me was plain enough- I jumped and my fist went back. His response was good enough, "I'll just keep driving." He dropped me off at the front gate and hauled ass.
I eventually transferred to a ship stationed in Japan and lots of things kind of mellowed out. Although of course the whole gay thing was still verboten. There were several incidents during my nearly six years and two ships in Japan that stand out.
One of my shipmates was caught in the restroom on the second floor of the enlisted club getting a blowjob from a Marine. He was promptly removed from the ship and was held on base restriction while his paperwork for discharge was processed. The one time I saw him and tried to talk to him I was shooed away by someone who was supposed to be keeping an eye on him.
Then of course there was the passage of Don't Ask Don't Tell. I was unsure about the law even then. I didn't think it was the right thing and that it would cause trouble. And trouble there was- although whether it was related to DADT or was trouble that was getting ready to happen I don't know.
There was a young sailor in Sasebo, Japan who was suspected of being gay. Reports were that he was even getting ready to out himself to his Commanding Officer so he could get his discharge. Only problem was he never had the chance. Two other sailors cornered him in a public restroom in Sasebo and beat him to death. They beat him so severely that his own mother couldn't even recognize him. One thing I do know is that I didn't like what had happened. I knew that it didn't matter who you were this kind of treatment was completely unjustified.
One final incident happened- This was another shipmate who was discharged for being gay. We were at a port visit in Hong Kong and one of the Corpsmen was out on liberty and asked another sailor on a date. (Keep in mind that up until the mid 90s all combat ships were men only.) This other sailor's reaction was hostile, though not violent. He told the Corpsman that he was going to let the command know what had happened so the Corpsman came back to the ship and turned himself in. During the rest of our time in port and at sea he was kept in sickbay and only allowed to come out of sick bay for meals.
I was sad. This was a guy who was a good sailor and did his job. His only crime was that he had been gay.
My next duty station was Pearl Harbor working at the USS Arizona Memorial. Despite my experiences in Japan I was still somewhat opposed to gays being in the military but that began to change during my three years there.
Because the US Park Service actually runs the Arizona Memorial and the Navy provides the boats to transport visitors from the Visitor Center to the Memorial proper and back again I was, for the first time, working in close proximity to people who were not actually military. And for the first time, as I eventually learned, working with people who were gay. And learning that, hey, maybe they really weren't all that bad. Of course I had some senior leaders who were less than thrilled that the Park Service was allowed to keep gays in service, but they weren't the military and were beholden to laws that governed everyone else.
The other incident that happened while I was in Hawaii was one of high publicity. A Master Chief Petty Officer ( MCPO-the highest enlisted rank one could attain in the navy) was outed as being gay. Apparently he had, quite by accident, sent an email to his submarine's ombudsman using a screen name from a gay chat-room. He didn't actually identify himself but the ombudsman began doing some searching and eventually linked the screen name to this MCPO and outed him to his Commanding Officer.
A legal kerfluffle ensued with the Navy trying to discharge the MCPO before he could retire and the MCPO was insistent that he had never come out of the closet. This case had all the attention of the local media and the MCPO eventually won his case and was granted full retirement. A few months later he was in front of the cameras again, coming out of the closet. I had rooted for him the entire time he was fighting his case and his coming out in the end did not surprise me in the least. He had served his country for more than 20 years and the least he deserved was his retirement benefits.
I did another tour in Japan before finally returning to the Continental US for my final tour. Aside from the national turmoil that was in place in the early 2000s because of the 9/11 attacks there was the really horrible presidential campaign of 2004. The one where there was an idea to pass a Constitutional amendment that would ban burning the US Flag- something that I personally dislike but if ever such a thing were to be passed into law I would be one of the first people on the steps of the local Federal Building to burn a flag in protest of the erosion of my rights to free speech.
But I digress, the other issue that seemed to be front and center was the issue of gay marriage. It was then and there that I realized that there was no good reason why the rights given to one group of people should not be extended to all. It was (and still is) discrimination on the grandest scale.
Because of my views I had a co-worker come out of the closet to me. It was another one of those emotionally confusing moments, but in the end I was proud that he felt that he could trust me with such a big part of his life that could cost him his career. I know not where he is now, whether he stayed in or got out, but either way he was another example of how someone could do their job regardless of their sexual orientation.
In the last few years I have been blessed to know those of every sexual orientation and am secure in who I am sexually. As my wife said, I have grown up. Now if only the rest of the world could get over their hang-ups about who people are.