Day 20 still
I have to realize that when I miss him, it's usually more than just him that I miss. I grieve over the loss of love from an unavailable parent. I want him to be different, and I want to show him that It is possible, just like i believe somewhere that my parents can be different and give me the love I crave so much, only I know that it is not possible. I am living out a trauma from earlier in life - that's why it feels so painful and disorienting and intolerable. I have to be able to access that love, maybe from myself, and not expect an unavailable partner to do that for me once it is too late. Instead of dreaming about rescuing this person, I have to think of showing myself love. Instead of worrying about him, I have to protect the inner child within me. She is the one that keeps getting hurt and just wants someone to come hold her and tell her that everything will be okay. She needs me now more than he needs me. I have to love her more than I love him. I have to show her that we are going to be okay, despite feeling hurt and abandoned.