The lego table lay on its side in the restaurant flowerbed, broken glass around it just catching the first glints of light as the new sun came over the ridge. The rider parked his motorcycle beside it and swung off. He paced the scene, careful not to leave tracks. Not that the attackers had left any when they ate the patrons of the little restaurant.
He counted six dead inside, a fair crowd for an early Thursday breakfast. The whole air felt like vampires, cold and ugly, without the proper sense of growing that an Ozark spring should have in late March. A miniature schoolbus, sitting on two flats, its grille and most of its glass missing mocked him from the junk yard by the defunct canoe rental place.
The other ten victims, all children, slumped bonelessly on the cracked seats, their heads lolling on shredded throats. Great. This crew had a sense of humor. He turned away, ignoring the tattered bunting and faded flags from last summer that fluttered in a dawn breeze.
I think the vampirism as a virus thing was hackneyed by the time Underworld was made, but you have enough good stuff here to make it worth it. Especially the gradual loss of structural integrity in the older vamps.
What do you think about having it be a microscopic parasite instead of a virus? It's a subtle difference, and some readers won't even notice it, but it isn't as cliched, and to me it also makes a little more sense. The way I see it (and please disregard my comments if they get too intrusive), the parasite subsists on the host's blood while shutting down the basic biologic processes, keeping the neural network alive and the ability to move around--what would be a symbiotic relationship, except that it's slowly killing the host. Before they're completely taken over, drinking blood helps them keep the virus from completely destroying their bloodstream. Once the parasite has fully taken hold, it can only keep the host's brain alive so long, but drinking blood helps them to sustain it longer.
Then the vamps who haven't completely lost their humanity are in a conundrum, because it means that drinking blood helps them sustain their consciousness/sense of self longer, so they constantly have to choose between losing their humanity by performing monstrous acts and losing their humanity by letting it slowly slip away.
I'm also kind of iffy on the Undying. How about if a child infected in the womb doesn't always turn into an Undying, but some do--so it's like Huntington's disease, where you can have it hanging over your head your whole life, but instead of there being a blood test, the only way you find out is when you die--or don't.
I also think that if I were writing a vampire story with a medical explanation, then things like garlic and lemons would have some effect, even if it's not the standard ones you'd expect. For example, garlic might be repugnant to vampires, but something they can get over with effort. So it would work against the truly mindless vampires, but if you piss off one that still has his sentience, then garlic might distract him a little, but it wouldn't stop him.
That's my 2.5 cents. Hope there's something in there you can use.
ZOMG, i love your squishy brains!
But I've already started it with the Lego table.
The lego table lay on its side in the restaurant flowerbed, broken glass around it just catching the first glints of light as the new sun came over the ridge. The rider parked his motorcycle beside it and swung off. He paced the scene, careful not to leave tracks. Not that the attackers had left any when they ate the patrons of the little restaurant.
He counted six dead inside, a fair crowd for an early Thursday breakfast. The whole air felt like vampires, cold and ugly, without the proper sense of growing that an Ozark spring should have in late March. A miniature schoolbus, sitting on two flats, its grille and most of its glass missing mocked him from the junk yard by the defunct canoe rental place.
The other ten victims, all children, slumped bonelessly on the cracked seats, their heads lolling on shredded throats. Great. This crew had a sense of humor. He turned away, ignoring the tattered bunting and faded flags from last summer that fluttered in a dawn breeze.
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I think the vampirism as a virus thing was hackneyed by the time Underworld was made, but you have enough good stuff here to make it worth it. Especially the gradual loss of structural integrity in the older vamps.
What do you think about having it be a microscopic parasite instead of a virus? It's a subtle difference, and some readers won't even notice it, but it isn't as cliched, and to me it also makes a little more sense. The way I see it (and please disregard my comments if they get too intrusive), the parasite subsists on the host's blood while shutting down the basic biologic processes, keeping the neural network alive and the ability to move around--what would be a symbiotic relationship, except that it's slowly killing the host. Before they're completely taken over, drinking blood helps them keep the virus from completely destroying their bloodstream. Once the parasite has fully taken hold, it can only keep the host's brain alive so long, but drinking blood helps them to sustain it longer.
Then the vamps who haven't completely lost their humanity are in a conundrum, because it means that drinking blood helps them sustain their consciousness/sense of self longer, so they constantly have to choose between losing their humanity by performing monstrous acts and losing their humanity by letting it slowly slip away.
I'm also kind of iffy on the Undying. How about if a child infected in the womb doesn't always turn into an Undying, but some do--so it's like Huntington's disease, where you can have it hanging over your head your whole life, but instead of there being a blood test, the only way you find out is when you die--or don't.
I also think that if I were writing a vampire story with a medical explanation, then things like garlic and lemons would have some effect, even if it's not the standard ones you'd expect. For example, garlic might be repugnant to vampires, but something they can get over with effort. So it would work against the truly mindless vampires, but if you piss off one that still has his sentience, then garlic might distract him a little, but it wouldn't stop him.
That's my 2.5 cents. Hope there's something in there you can use.
Reply
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