Setting sun...
Years ago (when I was 15, I think) I met a man that would at once become the dearest and best friend of my life. I can recall, now, the details of our first encounter - though ShadowWolf used to recount his first impressions of me as a perky bouncy nuisance that he just as soon not have met. There was something about a conversation with someone else about the rabbits I was raising, and him being interested in buying one for his niece - and then I just never went away. I don't recall it that way, but then, there is much of my teen years that passed in an incoherent blur of events and only the people stand out in my memories.
One of those memories is Wolf's selfless action the night of my 16th birthday. My parents had invited me and a small handful of my friends to dinner, so I had extended that invitation to then boyfriend and a select few friends, including Wolf. Wolf had, however, respectfully informed me that he was ill and probably would not make it but would call the evening of to let me know. I accepted this and the positive RSVP of the other invitees. However, the evening of my dinner found me home alone with my parents and none of my friends knocking on the door.
When Wolf called to tell me he was more ill, running a fever and finding it hard to move, I 'uninvited him' and thanked him for the thought. We talked for a bit and he asked if anyone else had shown up, I told him no, but that I'd be okay with just me and my folks for dinner. Twenty minutes later there was a rather feeble knock at the front door, just as my parents and I were getting ready to leave.
I opened the door, it was cold, dark and drizzily outside; and in the doorway stood this gruff grizzly silhouette wrapped in jeans and a jean jacket, with stringy damp hair dragging in thin bundles from the scalp and a pale sun-kissed face with a smile held in place with determination.
He extended a hand to me and muttered out "Happy Birthday, HellKatt" around a cough and sniffle that reminded me about the sweat pouring down his face. I accepted the offered gift and saw him inside to a chair while we waited for my parents to finish getting ready.
When my folks said "Let's go," I shot up from my seat eager to go out, but turned back suddenly at the door saying "Wait for my Shadow..he's not feeling well," and the amendment to his name Wolf stuck. When I introduced him to people he was 'My Shadow, Wolf' but people never heard the emphasis, and neither Shadow nor I ever corrected the misunderstanding.
The birthday present; was a hand made choker, made from a bit of black lace ribbon and a small yin yang token dangling from its center. I think he made efforts to apologize for the 'cheap present' - but after so many years have passed, birthdays come and gone - when I heard that Shadow had left us, I went to my jewelry box and put that choker on. Cheaply made, perhaps; but loved the more for the thought he put into it.
We used to joke about how things could have turned out between us, for how fond we were of each other. But I honestly couldn't see us as anything more than the dearest and closest friends.
I helped him through a number of relationships and he helped me through as many. We were each others support, even if we went months without talking to each other. We were the truest form of friends, able to pick up where we left off, filling in the gaps of time in short order and moving forward.
He was my dearest and one of my oldest friends. I knew, in his company, I was always safe; my fierce older brother, as it were. We saw each other cry, we saw each other laugh, we even laughed at each other when we deserved a good razzing for foolish things. We were honest to each other, and set each other straight when necessary - he was the embodiment of a friend.
It's been two weeks since he left us, and the gaping hole in my heart is testament to how deeply his life touched mine. Even though he'd moved to AZ some time back I always felt his presence just behind my right shoulder, and now that he's left, I feel exposed. I can't glance back and _know_ he's there, anymore, and it's unsettling. Most days I'm fine, numb to his passing, able to 'forget' that he's not just in another state anymore; and then I hear something behind me and I turn to the right half expecting that glimpse of his protective presence from the corner of my eye before really seeing what's behind me, and then it hits me; and the ache, and tears and sorrow bubble to the surface and the lips begin to tremble, and the breathing staggers in my chest - and I have to stop and close my eyes and remind myself to breath deep and slow. Remind myself that I had known, without knowing, that he'd be leaving soon; and that he would be happier in the soul-embrace of his wife.
To my shadow, Wolf - you will be ever dearly missed; not just by me (I know) but by the others you have touched. But as I cannot speak for them, for how you may have affected them, I can only speak for myself. You were the most raw, uncultured, often crude man I know, making jokes and playing pranks that at once amused and repulsed me; but you were also the dearest friend I've had the pleasure to know, the most loyal and fierce person to walk through my life. Thank you for blessing me with your friendship, love, and grace - until we meet again, my shadow.
Love and Light be with you... Paul Salazar, loving friend...
One of those memories is Wolf's selfless action the night of my 16th birthday. My parents had invited me and a small handful of my friends to dinner, so I had extended that invitation to then boyfriend and a select few friends, including Wolf. Wolf had, however, respectfully informed me that he was ill and probably would not make it but would call the evening of to let me know. I accepted this and the positive RSVP of the other invitees. However, the evening of my dinner found me home alone with my parents and none of my friends knocking on the door.
When Wolf called to tell me he was more ill, running a fever and finding it hard to move, I 'uninvited him' and thanked him for the thought. We talked for a bit and he asked if anyone else had shown up, I told him no, but that I'd be okay with just me and my folks for dinner. Twenty minutes later there was a rather feeble knock at the front door, just as my parents and I were getting ready to leave.
I opened the door, it was cold, dark and drizzily outside; and in the doorway stood this gruff grizzly silhouette wrapped in jeans and a jean jacket, with stringy damp hair dragging in thin bundles from the scalp and a pale sun-kissed face with a smile held in place with determination.
He extended a hand to me and muttered out "Happy Birthday, HellKatt" around a cough and sniffle that reminded me about the sweat pouring down his face. I accepted the offered gift and saw him inside to a chair while we waited for my parents to finish getting ready.
When my folks said "Let's go," I shot up from my seat eager to go out, but turned back suddenly at the door saying "Wait for my Shadow..he's not feeling well," and the amendment to his name Wolf stuck. When I introduced him to people he was 'My Shadow, Wolf' but people never heard the emphasis, and neither Shadow nor I ever corrected the misunderstanding.
The birthday present; was a hand made choker, made from a bit of black lace ribbon and a small yin yang token dangling from its center. I think he made efforts to apologize for the 'cheap present' - but after so many years have passed, birthdays come and gone - when I heard that Shadow had left us, I went to my jewelry box and put that choker on. Cheaply made, perhaps; but loved the more for the thought he put into it.
We used to joke about how things could have turned out between us, for how fond we were of each other. But I honestly couldn't see us as anything more than the dearest and closest friends.
I helped him through a number of relationships and he helped me through as many. We were each others support, even if we went months without talking to each other. We were the truest form of friends, able to pick up where we left off, filling in the gaps of time in short order and moving forward.
He was my dearest and one of my oldest friends. I knew, in his company, I was always safe; my fierce older brother, as it were. We saw each other cry, we saw each other laugh, we even laughed at each other when we deserved a good razzing for foolish things. We were honest to each other, and set each other straight when necessary - he was the embodiment of a friend.
It's been two weeks since he left us, and the gaping hole in my heart is testament to how deeply his life touched mine. Even though he'd moved to AZ some time back I always felt his presence just behind my right shoulder, and now that he's left, I feel exposed. I can't glance back and _know_ he's there, anymore, and it's unsettling. Most days I'm fine, numb to his passing, able to 'forget' that he's not just in another state anymore; and then I hear something behind me and I turn to the right half expecting that glimpse of his protective presence from the corner of my eye before really seeing what's behind me, and then it hits me; and the ache, and tears and sorrow bubble to the surface and the lips begin to tremble, and the breathing staggers in my chest - and I have to stop and close my eyes and remind myself to breath deep and slow. Remind myself that I had known, without knowing, that he'd be leaving soon; and that he would be happier in the soul-embrace of his wife.
To my shadow, Wolf - you will be ever dearly missed; not just by me (I know) but by the others you have touched. But as I cannot speak for them, for how you may have affected them, I can only speak for myself. You were the most raw, uncultured, often crude man I know, making jokes and playing pranks that at once amused and repulsed me; but you were also the dearest friend I've had the pleasure to know, the most loyal and fierce person to walk through my life. Thank you for blessing me with your friendship, love, and grace - until we meet again, my shadow.
Love and Light be with you... Paul Salazar, loving friend...