Oh yeah, livejournal
So obviously I can't keep two blogs... and I've neglected my poor livejournal account. LOL did you know that livejournal marks it's own name as misspelled? That's precious. Anyway life has been... good. I moved to Goose Creek for anyone that cares. I am back in school majoring in Human Services... getting Straight As (yay)... I've been seeing the same guy since April (yay again)...I just got a new job at Reed's Jewelers. I'm happy... I'm busy... I'm scatterbrained... and I am allllways sleepy lol. If you REALLY want more I'll cut and paste some stuff from myspace.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
For everything I want... there’s something else.
*dun dun dun* emo post ahead
I'm sitting down writing my paper that's due in roughly 19 hours and yet the subject matter is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm sitting on myspace reading everyones blogs wondering why we put ourselves through everything that we do... why we make the decisions we make.. and how we decide to make them. It's a difficult thing... living life... sorting through right and wrong, good and bad, wants and dislikes... but we all do it don't we? Yet some of us can be happy no matter how bad it gets... and others, like myself... seem to always been just a little bit down no matter how good it seems.
I don't know if maybe I'm just a little bit nervous when things are good because I expect them to go bad or if there's something bigger going on but all the same this is me. 'Me' is the person who cries when they are sad, goes silent when they are mad, and doesn't smile when it's good because I think it's covering the bad... it's very destructive thinking and I am looking for ways to change it. I want to be that person who cares but doesn't care too much.. that loves but doesnt worry if that love is going to be returned.. the person that when the world is falling down around them they still smile because they know the world can't take away their belly button. I want to smile and mean it... love and be loved... be happy and content and living life exactly how it is meant to be lived.
I hate relationships. I am afraid of them. I've been seeing somebody for 6 months now and I still can't calm down.. I still think I'm going to wake up and it is going to be over. I still think he's waiting to leave.. that I'm ok for now but there is always going to be something better somewhere out there. I hate that I love this guy and I will probably never know if he loves me or not... I can't stand that I care so much that I automatically believe that if something is going wrong it can't possibly be him. When I go into a relationship.. I go all in. I put my heart and soul into it because I just don't think it's worth it otherwise. I don't believe in doing anything half way so when I love... I love hard. The problem with loving hard is that you love first. That's when trouble starts... when two people are at different places in a relationship there isn't any balance. There isn't any way to express what you're feeling without making the other person feel wildly uncomfortable... yet you're supposed to be able to go to that very same person when things bother you.. but if that's what is bothering you.. how do you do that? How do you say I know I'm not enough for you but you're enough for me and I wish I were enough for you... how do you tell them how much it hurts that you never hear how much cares about you.. that you really have to say the words because when you really never hear it.. you believe it isn't true.
I'm sitting in his room right now.. like I said in the middle of writing this paper... he's fast asleep. I'm just happy being in the same room with him.. I don't need him to be paying attention to me.. it's enough to know I'm here and he wants me here. Still why isn't that proof enough to me that things are ok? I wish I could babble on and on about specifics but that's his life and my life and really it's nobody else's business... but there are things... things I just feel deep down prove I'm just not enough for him... but again what do you do with that? He's told me he's happy.. he's told me I'm enough... why isn't that all I need? He treats me like a princess when he's with me.. he is the most attentive person I've ever dated. Why am I not just smiling and thrilled though?... I mean I'm thrilled with him.. I love this relationship and I have such a great time. I adore absolutely every second and I don't want to leave at all... but why am I still nervous? Why can't I just relax and believe things are good?
More later I'm sure.. I have to get back to this paper
7:07 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
F
or Class but I thought it was Important
Reflection Paper Chapter 7..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I found chapters six and seven to be very similar though I'm sure that's why they placed information on love and relationships right next to each other. However I found the few pages on meaningful relationships to be very useful to both my current relationship with my boyfriend and my other relationships including those with my parents, extended family, and friends.
I've never had a problem believing that people in a relationship have separate identities. I've always needed intimate relationships and friendships that have allowed me to be my own person and do what I needed to do even if that didn't always involve the other person. People should have their own hobbies, their own feelings, and their own opinions about everything. It's a good thing if you can share those with the other person, and often we do, but to having something that is just yours is equally important.
I have a much harder time talking with others, especially my boyfriend, about things that are of importance to me. He claims it's because I am afraid of what he might say and maybe that's true but it's something that I need to work on no matter the current reasons for it. There are certain things that you just shouldn't keep from another person that cares about you. The only person I tend to tell everything to is my mother because we have that kind of relationship. While there are boundaries and I know very well that she is my parent I also look at her as the closest friend that I have and I feel grateful for that. Most people avoid being close to their parents but when you've lived a life where everything around you comes and goes… your homes… your possessions… your friends… you hold on to the things that are steady in your life and that is what my mother and I are for each other.
I think my other big problem that the chapter addresses is my ability to deal with anger in a way that is good for me and the people around me. I hate people knowing that I am angry and so I usually avoid it and when I can't I find it extremely stressful and hurtful. I take another person's anger very personally most of the time and tend to try and fix the immediate feeling instead of trying to fix what is making me or the other person angry. It's taking me a lot of time but I am learning that it is okay to be angry from time to time and that disagreements can be a good thing. While I'm quick to forgive others for their actions because I am a strong believer that they are the only ones that are required to live with their actions, I am much slower to forgive myself. Again these are things that I am working on and hope that with time I will successfully conquer this problem.
As far as the whole section of the chapter that deals with gay and lesbian relationships I see no reason why they should be looking at relationships in any different a way that heterosexuals. A relationship romantic or otherwise is still a relationship and it still involves two people with two sets of emotions and beliefs. I am the last person to criticize anyone for loving another person. Each of us make choices for ourselves, each of us have our successes and failures, and each of us live with ourselves when we close our eyes for the night.
I find it sad that the book has to cover the ending of long term relationships but I suppose it is a part of the life of a relationship. There are certainly things to look at in the section but I am not somebody who likes to end things on an upsetting note. I'd rather say that even with the end of a relationship it is important to know that a new life has started. I keep falling back on when my ex and I went our separate ways but it's very true… as much as it hurts when it happens sometimes leaving a situation is the best thing you can do for yourself. Choosing to cause us both a little bit of pain after four years lead us both to happy and healthy relationships with other people. Us trying to keep things together even after we knew they were failing would have just continued to hurt us.
As you think so shall you be! Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind. Not physical beings to you, but thoughts. Your relationships are all in how you think about the other people of your life. Your experience of all those people is only in your mind. Your feelings about your lovers come from your thoughts. For example, they may in fact behave in ways that you find offensive. However, your relationship to them when they behave offensively is not determined by their behavior, it is determined only by how you choose to relate to that behavior. Their actions are theirs, you cannot own them, you cannot be them, you can only process them in your mind.
Wayne Dyer
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
For everything I want... there’s something else.
*dun dun dun* emo post ahead
I'm sitting down writing my paper that's due in roughly 19 hours and yet the subject matter is the furthest thing from my mind. I'm sitting on myspace reading everyones blogs wondering why we put ourselves through everything that we do... why we make the decisions we make.. and how we decide to make them. It's a difficult thing... living life... sorting through right and wrong, good and bad, wants and dislikes... but we all do it don't we? Yet some of us can be happy no matter how bad it gets... and others, like myself... seem to always been just a little bit down no matter how good it seems.
I don't know if maybe I'm just a little bit nervous when things are good because I expect them to go bad or if there's something bigger going on but all the same this is me. 'Me' is the person who cries when they are sad, goes silent when they are mad, and doesn't smile when it's good because I think it's covering the bad... it's very destructive thinking and I am looking for ways to change it. I want to be that person who cares but doesn't care too much.. that loves but doesnt worry if that love is going to be returned.. the person that when the world is falling down around them they still smile because they know the world can't take away their belly button. I want to smile and mean it... love and be loved... be happy and content and living life exactly how it is meant to be lived.
I hate relationships. I am afraid of them. I've been seeing somebody for 6 months now and I still can't calm down.. I still think I'm going to wake up and it is going to be over. I still think he's waiting to leave.. that I'm ok for now but there is always going to be something better somewhere out there. I hate that I love this guy and I will probably never know if he loves me or not... I can't stand that I care so much that I automatically believe that if something is going wrong it can't possibly be him. When I go into a relationship.. I go all in. I put my heart and soul into it because I just don't think it's worth it otherwise. I don't believe in doing anything half way so when I love... I love hard. The problem with loving hard is that you love first. That's when trouble starts... when two people are at different places in a relationship there isn't any balance. There isn't any way to express what you're feeling without making the other person feel wildly uncomfortable... yet you're supposed to be able to go to that very same person when things bother you.. but if that's what is bothering you.. how do you do that? How do you say I know I'm not enough for you but you're enough for me and I wish I were enough for you... how do you tell them how much it hurts that you never hear how much cares about you.. that you really have to say the words because when you really never hear it.. you believe it isn't true.
I'm sitting in his room right now.. like I said in the middle of writing this paper... he's fast asleep. I'm just happy being in the same room with him.. I don't need him to be paying attention to me.. it's enough to know I'm here and he wants me here. Still why isn't that proof enough to me that things are ok? I wish I could babble on and on about specifics but that's his life and my life and really it's nobody else's business... but there are things... things I just feel deep down prove I'm just not enough for him... but again what do you do with that? He's told me he's happy.. he's told me I'm enough... why isn't that all I need? He treats me like a princess when he's with me.. he is the most attentive person I've ever dated. Why am I not just smiling and thrilled though?... I mean I'm thrilled with him.. I love this relationship and I have such a great time. I adore absolutely every second and I don't want to leave at all... but why am I still nervous? Why can't I just relax and believe things are good?
More later I'm sure.. I have to get back to this paper
7:07 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
F
or Class but I thought it was Important
Reflection Paper Chapter 7..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I found chapters six and seven to be very similar though I'm sure that's why they placed information on love and relationships right next to each other. However I found the few pages on meaningful relationships to be very useful to both my current relationship with my boyfriend and my other relationships including those with my parents, extended family, and friends.
I've never had a problem believing that people in a relationship have separate identities. I've always needed intimate relationships and friendships that have allowed me to be my own person and do what I needed to do even if that didn't always involve the other person. People should have their own hobbies, their own feelings, and their own opinions about everything. It's a good thing if you can share those with the other person, and often we do, but to having something that is just yours is equally important.
I have a much harder time talking with others, especially my boyfriend, about things that are of importance to me. He claims it's because I am afraid of what he might say and maybe that's true but it's something that I need to work on no matter the current reasons for it. There are certain things that you just shouldn't keep from another person that cares about you. The only person I tend to tell everything to is my mother because we have that kind of relationship. While there are boundaries and I know very well that she is my parent I also look at her as the closest friend that I have and I feel grateful for that. Most people avoid being close to their parents but when you've lived a life where everything around you comes and goes… your homes… your possessions… your friends… you hold on to the things that are steady in your life and that is what my mother and I are for each other.
I think my other big problem that the chapter addresses is my ability to deal with anger in a way that is good for me and the people around me. I hate people knowing that I am angry and so I usually avoid it and when I can't I find it extremely stressful and hurtful. I take another person's anger very personally most of the time and tend to try and fix the immediate feeling instead of trying to fix what is making me or the other person angry. It's taking me a lot of time but I am learning that it is okay to be angry from time to time and that disagreements can be a good thing. While I'm quick to forgive others for their actions because I am a strong believer that they are the only ones that are required to live with their actions, I am much slower to forgive myself. Again these are things that I am working on and hope that with time I will successfully conquer this problem.
As far as the whole section of the chapter that deals with gay and lesbian relationships I see no reason why they should be looking at relationships in any different a way that heterosexuals. A relationship romantic or otherwise is still a relationship and it still involves two people with two sets of emotions and beliefs. I am the last person to criticize anyone for loving another person. Each of us make choices for ourselves, each of us have our successes and failures, and each of us live with ourselves when we close our eyes for the night.
I find it sad that the book has to cover the ending of long term relationships but I suppose it is a part of the life of a relationship. There are certainly things to look at in the section but I am not somebody who likes to end things on an upsetting note. I'd rather say that even with the end of a relationship it is important to know that a new life has started. I keep falling back on when my ex and I went our separate ways but it's very true… as much as it hurts when it happens sometimes leaving a situation is the best thing you can do for yourself. Choosing to cause us both a little bit of pain after four years lead us both to happy and healthy relationships with other people. Us trying to keep things together even after we knew they were failing would have just continued to hurt us.
As you think so shall you be! Since you cannot physically experience another person, you can only experience them in your mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in your life are simply thoughts in your mind. Not physical beings to you, but thoughts. Your relationships are all in how you think about the other people of your life. Your experience of all those people is only in your mind. Your feelings about your lovers come from your thoughts. For example, they may in fact behave in ways that you find offensive. However, your relationship to them when they behave offensively is not determined by their behavior, it is determined only by how you choose to relate to that behavior. Their actions are theirs, you cannot own them, you cannot be them, you can only process them in your mind.
Wayne Dyer