Where's a candlestick in the library when you need it?
I watched a movie the other day that was so preposterous, I really have to summarize the plot for you guys.
It's called Love in a Cold Climate, a British TV movie about three young women coming of age (legally - not in the sense of "losing a mentor at age twelve") just before WW2. The POV character is Rosamund Pike, but her only function is to introduce us to other people. She has two close female friends, the Naïve One and the Inscrutable One* (the wicked stepsister from Ever After). To set the mood, think hammy dialog and one-dimensional characters. Okay? Let's go.
Early on, Rosamund goes to a party at Inscrutable's house, where she gets chatted up by a middle-aged French Duke and groped under the table by Inscrutable's Pervy Uncle-by-marriage. This will be important later. We move on to the story of Naïve, who, against her parents' wishes, marries a brainless fellow of (oh noes!) German descent. The minute they marry he slicks back his hair and grows a mustache (giving him a striking resemblance to Col. Mustard) and goes to work at his father's bank, instantly becoming ultraconservative and uncaring**. This prompts Naïve to run off with a Communist activist (Henry Lennox from N&S), but Communism is just a red herring; no sooner does she go with him to a refugee camp but she decides he must be in love with a dedicated Communist chick and runs off again 'not to stand in their way.' She runs to Paris... and meets the Suave French Duke, who woos her in ten seconds flat and installs her in his Mistress Apartment, where she eats bonbons and has the time of her life.
Back in England, Rosamund has married a very nice professor, but the movie doesn't care about her life. Inscrutable has been inscrutably refusing all suitors, until her aunt dies and she suddenly declares she's going to marry her Pervy Uncle. Apparently the groping she's endured all her life has given her a passion for him! They marry, and her parents disinherit her in favor of their only other relative--a young man from Nova Scotia who turns out to be as gay as a picnic basket***. He struts in, gives Inscrutable's mother a Fabulous makeover, and proceeds to win the heart of the Pervy Uncle, who goes off with him to live with Inscrutable's mom and sew together (really!), while a disillusioned Inscrutable runs off with a wealthy, steady, middle-aged English lord****.
Almost over! France is invaded & Naïve goes home to England, where she dies giving birth to the Duke's baby. Rosamund V-Os at the funeral that she will adopt the baby, Rosamund's mom comments that it's just as well Naïve is dead so she can't be disappointed again, and the movie ends immediately.
What's most remarkable about this movie? That with all that soap opera plot, it actually manages to be-- boring. I fast-forwarded as much as I watched, but I was too entranced by the bizarreness to give up without knowing the end.
Also worth noting is that Naïve's younger sisters are played by Susan from Narnia and Thelma from Hex, and though the movie spans at least five years and they look about 13 and 15 at the beginning, they never grow up.
In short: not recommended. Stay tuned for RECOMMENDATION SUNDAY later!
*Who even Rosamund, though her "best friend", does not seem to know at all.
**Sample dialog: "I hate the lower classes." "I rather like this Herr Hitler."
***He refers to himself in the third person as "One" (ie. "One enjoys sewing very much.")
****Evie's paramour from Season Two House of Eliott.
It's called Love in a Cold Climate, a British TV movie about three young women coming of age (legally - not in the sense of "losing a mentor at age twelve") just before WW2. The POV character is Rosamund Pike, but her only function is to introduce us to other people. She has two close female friends, the Naïve One and the Inscrutable One* (the wicked stepsister from Ever After). To set the mood, think hammy dialog and one-dimensional characters. Okay? Let's go.
Early on, Rosamund goes to a party at Inscrutable's house, where she gets chatted up by a middle-aged French Duke and groped under the table by Inscrutable's Pervy Uncle-by-marriage. This will be important later. We move on to the story of Naïve, who, against her parents' wishes, marries a brainless fellow of (oh noes!) German descent. The minute they marry he slicks back his hair and grows a mustache (giving him a striking resemblance to Col. Mustard) and goes to work at his father's bank, instantly becoming ultraconservative and uncaring**. This prompts Naïve to run off with a Communist activist (Henry Lennox from N&S), but Communism is just a red herring; no sooner does she go with him to a refugee camp but she decides he must be in love with a dedicated Communist chick and runs off again 'not to stand in their way.' She runs to Paris... and meets the Suave French Duke, who woos her in ten seconds flat and installs her in his Mistress Apartment, where she eats bonbons and has the time of her life.
Back in England, Rosamund has married a very nice professor, but the movie doesn't care about her life. Inscrutable has been inscrutably refusing all suitors, until her aunt dies and she suddenly declares she's going to marry her Pervy Uncle. Apparently the groping she's endured all her life has given her a passion for him! They marry, and her parents disinherit her in favor of their only other relative--a young man from Nova Scotia who turns out to be as gay as a picnic basket***. He struts in, gives Inscrutable's mother a Fabulous makeover, and proceeds to win the heart of the Pervy Uncle, who goes off with him to live with Inscrutable's mom and sew together (really!), while a disillusioned Inscrutable runs off with a wealthy, steady, middle-aged English lord****.
Almost over! France is invaded & Naïve goes home to England, where she dies giving birth to the Duke's baby. Rosamund V-Os at the funeral that she will adopt the baby, Rosamund's mom comments that it's just as well Naïve is dead so she can't be disappointed again, and the movie ends immediately.
What's most remarkable about this movie? That with all that soap opera plot, it actually manages to be-- boring. I fast-forwarded as much as I watched, but I was too entranced by the bizarreness to give up without knowing the end.
Also worth noting is that Naïve's younger sisters are played by Susan from Narnia and Thelma from Hex, and though the movie spans at least five years and they look about 13 and 15 at the beginning, they never grow up.
In short: not recommended. Stay tuned for RECOMMENDATION SUNDAY later!
*Who even Rosamund, though her "best friend", does not seem to know at all.
**Sample dialog: "I hate the lower classes." "I rather like this Herr Hitler."
***He refers to himself in the third person as "One" (ie. "One enjoys sewing very much.")
****Evie's paramour from Season Two House of Eliott.