It's all a confusing mess of emotions and insecurities.
I'm finding it harder and harder to realize who I am. Who I am on the inside. Because so much of my life is spent trying to impress everyone else, I never try to impress myself. I mean, I know I'm a good person. At least most of the time. I put a lot of effort into being nice, and although there are a few people who I am mean to, I'm not really saying all I want to say. I hold back a lot. It's like... I got invited to be in NHS... Big deal right? Well I told my dad and he just said, "good" GOOD? That's a freaking HONOR!!! And all I freaking get is a "good". I try sooo hard to impress him and make him proud. I'm trying to get a 4.0 this year. And all I get is a "good". And now I guess people are talking about me. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I mean I hope it's all good things they are saying. But also, people who wouldn't normally talk to me, are talking to me. It's like, over the summer... I changed? I don't know. But now people talk to me. People are nice to me. And I don't know why. To me, I'm the same. I haven't gotten smarter, prettier, nicer...ect. I'm still Val. I'm still the same girl I was last year. Granted I grew up more. I guess going to church over the summer helped. But getting in touch with God just made me mad. Mad that everyone is mean no matter what they believe. So... I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what, I'll always try to impress everyone else with what I can do, or what I have. I want to know who I am. I know as much about me as any person would. I don't know the true inner workings of myself. Am I all that I talk myself up to be? Am I really what I said I was? I just want a while to be alone, impress myself, find myself, improve myself, and love myself. Maybe then I'd be worthy of someone else's time. I just wonder why it's taken me so long to figure out that the way I'm living is wrong. God help me please.