(no subject)
words to live by: "you can THINK about your plants all the time...but if you don't WATER them what is the fucking point?"
(brought to you by the fabulous glittergeisha)
i think in the past few weeks i've started to compare cleaning out my house and throwing things away to doing the same thing with my life and heart. i felt a strong attachment to so many things b/c i felt like they were comforting or made me feel safe. i realize now these things were mostly taking up too much room and becoming dusty. i see now that a lot of the people in my life are the same way. basically i have relied on them for a what i now know was a false sense of comfort and support. they aren't really, truly serving any purpose in my life. this makes me sad b/c i am not sure if these friendships were ever sincere. i mean i know from my perspective they were. but with things that have happened lately these "friends" are no where to be found. i could go in one direction and admit that i am too needy and expect too much from my friends. but i also feel like i have surrounded myself with people who only are around when they need to be taken care of or reassured. which is ok...friends are for that. but when it only goes one way it doesn't work. so maybe it is cold, but i really see no need to continue in friendships like this. i feel like i just end up trying to change who i am for them and feeling like i am not important enough. i feel enough like that on my own. which is precisely why i am so horrible at relationships to begin with. i want so badly to be able to simply trust someone. up to this point though, i feel like i've trusted and believed in too many people only to be blown off when something better comes along. possibly i am just very foolish and naive in thinking that friendships/relationships should be equal in commitment. i'm tired of being the only active, caring participant. i am also tired of feeling like i am shutting down emotionally b/c i keep making the same mistakes when it comes to trusting/loving someone.
(brought to you by the fabulous glittergeisha)
i think in the past few weeks i've started to compare cleaning out my house and throwing things away to doing the same thing with my life and heart. i felt a strong attachment to so many things b/c i felt like they were comforting or made me feel safe. i realize now these things were mostly taking up too much room and becoming dusty. i see now that a lot of the people in my life are the same way. basically i have relied on them for a what i now know was a false sense of comfort and support. they aren't really, truly serving any purpose in my life. this makes me sad b/c i am not sure if these friendships were ever sincere. i mean i know from my perspective they were. but with things that have happened lately these "friends" are no where to be found. i could go in one direction and admit that i am too needy and expect too much from my friends. but i also feel like i have surrounded myself with people who only are around when they need to be taken care of or reassured. which is ok...friends are for that. but when it only goes one way it doesn't work. so maybe it is cold, but i really see no need to continue in friendships like this. i feel like i just end up trying to change who i am for them and feeling like i am not important enough. i feel enough like that on my own. which is precisely why i am so horrible at relationships to begin with. i want so badly to be able to simply trust someone. up to this point though, i feel like i've trusted and believed in too many people only to be blown off when something better comes along. possibly i am just very foolish and naive in thinking that friendships/relationships should be equal in commitment. i'm tired of being the only active, caring participant. i am also tired of feeling like i am shutting down emotionally b/c i keep making the same mistakes when it comes to trusting/loving someone.