From Below
Title: From Below
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: One sided Kirk/Spock, Spock/McCoy, Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: violence, non-con
Summary: Kirk loves Spock, but Spock is with McCoy, and that's okay, really. Until Kirk is drugged on a mission and suddenly it isn't.
Word count: 4511
Note: Written for this prompt at st_tos_kink.
1.
There are so many rumours about the captain and Spock that Kirk almost believes them himself. Of course most of those rumours are taken seriously by no one. It’s just a joke here, a meaningful glance there when once again Kirk and his first officer leave for a mission together, have their lunch together, play chess together or are just seen walking down the corridor together.
No other two crewmembers have risked their lives for each other more often. Kirk would willingly die for his friend, as would Spock for him. The rest of the crew doesn’t seem to realise that by their sense of duty, this also goes for everyone else.
Kirk and Spock are close. Everyone knows this well enough to joke about it, but Kirk is aware that no one truly knows how close they really are.
He doesn’t know himself when exactly it happened that Spock became such an important part of his life that existence without him began to seem impossible, but he knows the feeling is mutual. Sometimes the captain thinks of his dear old friend McCoy and feels guilty. He loves Bones, he really does, and is aware that despite their constant quarrels Spock, too, feels as much affection for the doctor as his Vulcan heart allows him, but there is a level to the relationship between Spock and Kirk that is closed to him. A part of each other they are not willing to share.
With anyone.
Kirk loves Spock. There has never been any doubt about this in him, but the nature of that love changed over the years. The love for a friend became the love for a brother and went deeper from there. James Kirk is a ladies man. Men never appealed to him like the soft beauty of women does, and yet, eventually, he began to wonder.
It started with a passing thought, almost a joke to himself, prompted by a crewman’s comment he’s not been supposed to overhear. It was silly, he told himself - the love between him and Spock was above any physical attraction. Sex would cheapen it, reduce it to the physical aspect - and yet the thought, once thought, kept developing, until Kirk imagined himself in his friend’s arms at night. Until he found himself staring at his Spock’s lips when they spoke, fighting the urge to lean in and kiss them.
It would be beautiful. There is no doubt in Kirk’s mind. Spock would complete him in a way none of his lovers ever has. And once he accepted this, it doesn’t take him long to accept that he doesn’t just love his friend but that he is also in love with him.
Spock, he is certain, would accept any approach he made in this regard. Kirk has no doubt concerning his first officer’s devotion. He can deny his captain nothing.
Which is exactly the reason why Kirk hesitates as long as he does before he decides to bring up the topic with his friend as soon as the appropriate moment presents itself. What makes him make up his mind is not so much the increasing physical desire for the Vulcan but, first and foremost, the fear that without Kirk to claim him as a lover, someone else will, and while Spock’s love for his captain would not be lessened by that, Kirk would have to share him in a way he isn’t willing to.
Not long after he made his decision, he discovers that he already does.
The moment isn’t earth shattering or dramatic. No stars fall from the sky. In fact, it is perfectly mundane. The only thing that breaks is Kirk’s heart.
It happens briefly after McCoy’s promotion to commander with an overheard conversation on an observation deck Spock and McCoy deem empty.
“… is a joke,” Kirk hears the doctor say when they enter. “But I’m not going to complain if this means more money for the retirement fund. I can already see the house we’re going to live in getting bigger. And suddenly it’s in a much better location.”
“It seems to me you are still insisting on that house being located on Earth.” Spock’s voice rings through the semi-dark room, driving Kirk further into the shadows where no one can see him.
“Of course I do. You said you wanted to teach at the academy, and the academy is on Earth. Also, I want a garden. I’m only putting up with all this promotion nonsense so one day I can tend to a big garden when I have nothing else to do, and let’s face it, the Vulcan vegetation doesn’t exactly make florists cry out in joy.”
“It is Terran florists you are talking about, of course. We shall discuss this again in a more appropriate setting.”
“I bet we will,” McCoy mutters. “And more than once.”
“It is a long time to retirement, Leonard.” Spock speaks patiently, with indulgent tenderness, and then the conversation moves to professional topics, and Kirk leaves silently through the other door, thinking Spock’s Vulcan ears must have picked up the wild, desperate pounding of his heart.
-
Spock and Bones. Bones and Spock. Kirk moves the idea around in his mind and it doesn’t fit, doesn’t ring right. He starts watching them until he thinks they must notice, looks for any slip, any accidental brush of fingers or exchanged glance that lasts a little bit too long, but they keep up pretence, perfectly. Eventually Kirk is almost convinced that he misinterpreted the conversation. He nearly confronts them about it, confronts Spock to get proof it isn’t true. In the end he doesn’t because he knows it is. Spock and Bones don’t need to share intimate gestures all the time because everything they do is of an easy intimacy plain visible to anyone willing to look. It’s in the way Spock doesn’t mind, doesn’t even seem to notice the casual touches that are so natural for humans and so uncomfortable for Vulcans. The way each seems to know what the other is thinking. Even their most heated arguments speak of a familiarity that goes beyond simple friendship.
Spock and Bones. It makes sense, in a strange sort of way. And Kirk is happy for them, he really is. He loves them both, in different ways, and he has been worried for Bones for a long time, always hoping he’d find someone to give him a purpose beyond his job. And if Spock is happy, then so is he. He will not show his love by ruining theirs.
This, at least, is what he thinks when he looks rationally at the relationship of his best friends. He doesn’t want to be jealous.
He is.
Kirk has been worried about Bones’s place in their friendship only to find he is the one left out. Bones has what he wants and it is hard not to resent him for that, just a little. Kirk resents himself more, because he tried to pretend that the bitterness comes solely from them not even telling him about this, as if he didn’t matter, and knows it isn’t true.
They never tell him, and he never asks. A year goes by and he gets used to it, really, and it hardly hurts anymore to think of the things they do at night. He no longer imagines Spock with him when one woman or another finds her way into his bed. He’s getting over it, regardless of the knowledge that he’s never again going to find a love as perfect as the one he cannot have.
Regardless of the fact that if he wanted to take Spock from McCoy, he could.
He doesn’t want to be that kind of person.
-
2.
It is before an away mission that Kirk sees their fingers brush, in that Vulcan way, for the first time, and perhaps things would have been different if he hadn’t. He turns around just a second too early and witnesses them pressing their fingers together the way Spock’s parents did all so often. It brings back all the pain and the jealousy, and the loneliness, but Kirk pretends he didn’t notice and steps onto the transporter platform beside McCoy, ready to be beamed down.
“Take care of my ship, Mr. Spock,” he says with a smile. “I expect her to be in good condition when I come back.”
“And I expect you to take the necessary caution down on the planet,” Spock answers, his hands clasped behind his back. “We will not be back before tomorrow and cannot help you should you run into trouble.”
“You take care of delivering those minerals,” McCoy tells him. “This planet is our problem.” He pads the case with his medical equipment. “Don’t worry. Everything will go well.”
But of course, it doesn’t.
-
Spock suspected the call for help they received from the lone science station to be fake from the beginning. Kirk wishes he had listened to him when they push him into the cell where Bones is already waiting. The scientists are dead. Who has taken over he doesn’t know, has never seen their kind before, but it seems unimportant now. They spoke of his rank, his way of thinking and of tests, and then they injected some drug and send him to the cell. It doesn’t really matter. Kirk is aware that his thoughts become increasingly confused, but it’s hard to concentrate, hard to care.
He sees Bones and thinks of Spock, and the sacrifice he made for this man. It wasn’t worth it. McCoy can never be for Spock what Kirk could have been. He isn’t worthy of him. What does he ever do for them but be in their way?
“No,” he groans, sinking to his knees when a wave of hatred rolls over him. This is the drug’s influence, he knows. He’s got to fight it. Bones is his friend.
The doctor comes over, touches his shoulder. “Jim, what’s wrong?” Faking concern when he never even cared enough to tell him he’s fucking Spock.
“Drugged,” Kirk manages to say. “Can’t fight it.”
“You’ve got to! Just a little longer. Spock will be back in a few hours. He’ll get us out of here.” And Kirk’s control snaps.
His hand is around the doctor’s throat in a second, pushing him back until his head hits the wall. “Oh right, Spock! He’ll save us and you can crawl back into his bed.” He tightens his hold and enjoys the fear and shock in the other’s eyes.
“Jim,” McCoy gasps. “How…”
“How I know when you never told me? Because I’m not stupid, even if you think I am.” He applies more pressure, not caring about the hands that claw at his arm, the helplessly kicking feet. “It’s obvious you are fucking him. Or is he fucking you? I bet he is. He’d never let someone like you take him, but you might be just good enough for that.” It takes only a harsh movement of his arm to throw McCoy all the way through the small cell. He hits the ground hard and lies there struggling for breath until Kirk is over him, putting a foot on the narrow chest. “I could kill you. I should. I’d be doing him a favour. He’s too kind to get rid of you.”
“You won’t.” McCoy’s words are strangled, barely audible. How pathetic he is. “I know you, Jim, you’d never kill without reason. Even that drug can’t change you that much.”
“Who says I don’t have a reason?” Kirk kicks McCoy’s chest, then his stomach, before he can do anything to protect himself. “You lied to me! You made fun of me for years and thought I wouldn’t notice you were laughing behind my back!”
“Jim, please.” The doctor sounds desperate, but he has barely enough air to speak. “We never meant to… regulations… didn’t want to put you in that position.”
“Oh, too kind! So you only lied to me so I wouldn’t have to pretend I didn’t know? Or was it rather that you thought I’d take him from you?” A few more well aimed kicks leave McCoy unable to answer. Oh, how often has Kirk seen him with Spock and wanted to tear him away and beat at him until he stopped moving! “If Spock was mine, I would let everyone know, and kill whoever tried to take him from me! You don’t deserve him, and you know it. He knows it, too. If I wanted to, I could take him. I don’t know why I didn’t before.” He really doesn’t. Why didn’t he? It doesn’t make sense.
McCoy tries to speak, but he can’t. His eyes are wide and frightened. Kirk looks down on him and doesn’t understand why he let him have his way for so long. He thinks of all the wasted time when he should have been with Spock and this man occupied the place that should be his, and all the hurt, frustration and jealousy turn into blind hatred screaming for release. It feels so good to let go. Months of suppressed anger finally find relief as bones break under the impact of his boots.
McCoy barely has any fight left in him when Kirk sits down on his chest, straddling his wrists. They are so thin it’s ridiculous. Everything about this man is fragile, made to be broken. The idea of Spock being wasted on someone this weak is disgusting.
“How did you make him take you in?” Kirk sneers. “Did you beg? Appeal to his pity? Threaten him? No… he wouldn’t let anyone threaten him. It must be pity then. If he didn’t pity you, he would be with me.” He twists one arm sharply, just to hear McCoy cry out in pain when the wrist snaps. “It’s ridiculous,” he hisses, “that he should want to be with you and not me.”
He takes hold of McCoy’s hair and slams his head against the floor. When he moves away to tear off the trousers of his uniform, the doctor doesn’t even resist. “You slut!” Kirk spits in his face when he pushes apart his (friend’s) rival’s thighs. “You just spread your legs for anyone who will have you, don’t you?”
“Jim…” With some effort, Kirk can make out McCoy’s (Bones’s) words, but he’s just not interested. “Don’t do this. Please. You’re…” The doctor’s pleas get cut off when Kirk thrusts into him. He has never been with a man before and didn’t expect it to be so tight. After all, McCoy is well fucked, isn’t he? “Is this what he does to you? Do you like it?” He slams in hard and McCoy would have screamed had he had the strength. Instead he only gasps as Kirk pounds into him without mercy.
“I bet you wish I was him. Well, I’ll tell you something: I wish you were him too.” And perhaps this is the closest Kirk can ever get to Spock: by taking his place and destroying what belongs to him. Bones has given this to Spock, and now Kirk is taking it, until there is nothing left Spock wants to have, and they will all three be lonely.
He comes with a scream and when he collapses on top of his victim, he begins to sob.
-
Much later he thinks he hears Spock’s voice, and perhaps he blinks and sees the beloved Vulcan stand with McCoy’s body, bloodied and broken, cradled in his arms. The rest is darkness, and perhaps it was a dream all along and nothing ever happened.
-
When he wakes up, Doctor M’Benga is looking down at him. Kirk’s head is full of cotton, damping his thoughts.
“What happened?” His voice is strong - it almost comes as a shock, doesn’t fit with his headache and the emptiness inside him.
“You don’t remember?” M’Benga nods. “We thought that would happen. You were drugged.”
“Drugged?” Kirk remembers leaving the ship, and that the scientists are death. Everything else is being swallowed by the darkness in his head. He vaguely remembers being very angry. “Where’s McCoy?”
M’Benga hesitates, and suddenly Kirk is worried. “Was he drugged too? Is he all right?”
“He wasn’t drugged, but he was hurt on the mission. He’s next door now.” The doctor nods towards the door to the small single room. Kirk stares at it as if it was about to attack him. “Spock is with him.”
“Spock?” Something runs through Kirk’s body like a shock at the mention of that name, but if there is a memory connected to it, it’s gone before he can grasp it. “How bad is it?”
“He’ll live,” M’Benga says, which isn’t an answer, not really. He puts a hand on Kirk’s shoulder when the captain tries to get up. “You can’t see him yet.”
“Why not?”
“He’s unconscious and in critical condition. I can’t allow anyone else in there, and you need to stay in bed until we know there are no lasting effects of that drug.”
“You’re allowing Spock to see him,” Kirk snaps, and immediately regrets it. Spock probably just wants a moment alone with his injured lover. Perhaps he even asked M’Benga to keep everyone else out, and if that is the case, Kirk has no right to disturb them. Not when it’s most likely his fault Bones got hurt - if only because he failed to protect him.
“How did he get hurt?”
“The aliens that have taken over the science station have beaten him up. His injuries are quite severe. It looks like I’ll have his job for a while.” M’Benga smiles to signal Kirk all will be all right. “Now, let’s see to it that you can return to yours.” He begins a number of scans and tests to determine Kirk’s condition. The captain lets it happen, while all the time his gaze wanders over to the door behind which Spock is keeping vigil over the unconscious doctor. He feels like he is missing something important.
-
3.
Jim can never know. It is the first thing Leonard tells Spock when he wakes up on the ship after hours of surgery and days of artificial coma. Jim doesn’t need to know. It wasn’t his fault, but he would blame himself, and this he could never handle. So they won‘t tell him. It is the logical thing to do.
Why then does this dissatisfy Spock so much?
For days, he avoids the captain. He attempts to keep him out of Leonard’s room to the point where Kirk gets suspicious because Spock cannot bear the thought of him being alone with his defenceless mate. Even after Leonard regains consciousness, Spock hardly speaks to Jim. He can sense the captain’s confusion but is unable to overcome the resentment the man awakens in him.
Besides Leonard, only Doctor M’Benga and Spock know what really happened - M’Benga because he was the one to save Leonard’s life, and Spock because he found them. He almost wishes it had been someone else, because then he would not know and his friendship to Jim would not be this… damaged.
When he pulled Kirk off Leonard’s still from, it took Spock every bit of discipline to defeat the instinct to protect his mate and kill his attacker. Neither the doctor nor the captain will ever learn how close he has come to breaking the unconscious human’s neck.
Despite the lengths of their relationship, Spock has lain with his mate only a few times. Duty and secrecy never left them much opportunity for intimacy, but what little time they have had was enough for both of them. Their lovemaking always was tender and careful, each conscious of not overstepping any boundaries. This brutal violation leaves Spock lost as to its purpose and angry beyond his own comprehension
He spends more time with Leonard now and no one asks any questions. If anyone suspects that the doctor spends every night curled up in Spock’s arms after his release from sickbay, they don’t let it show.
Spock is never certain if this new closeness has its source in Leonard’s need to feel save or his own inability to let him be on his own.
“You don’t need to watch me everywhere I go,” the doctor snaps when his patience finally runs out. And, “I was able to take care of myself long before I met you.” And, “I don’t get why you act like that around Jim. Don’t you think he’ll notice and ask questions? Spock, it wasn’t his fault!”
‘I know that,’ Spock wants to say. He says, “He hurt you. Our friend!”
Leonards sinks down onto the bed with a sigh, burying his face in his hands. “Don’t you think I know that? Sometimes I feel like I can never trust him again. But I can, because I know it wasn’t him. Dammit, Spock, people have mentally controlled me so often, and yet you never blamed me for what I did then.”
“This is different. I know how that drug worked. His decisions were still his own.”
“But he wasn’t himself! I know Jim, and I know he’d never do something like this, and that’s enough for me! Why can’t it be enough for you? Don’t you see the logic?”
Spock does, but he can’t act on it. The irony doesn’t escape him that Leonard can.
The remnants of his primitive nature are to blame. Somehow, beneath all the logic and control survived an instinct to protect his lover that overrules everything; all logic, all reason, even the memories of the friendship the three of them used to share. Spock mourns its loss - in a way Jim is still dearer to him than anyone else, but he cannot forget and he cannot forgive.
His emotions trouble him more than ever before. He has lost control over them, and it’s the negative ones that control him.
Leonard never talks about what happened. Spock knows what he saw and what the medical report told him, nothing more. He can’t see why his lover doesn’t tell him what led up to the captain’s actions, but even though he thinks he might be able to forgive if at least he understood, he never asks, respecting Leonard’s wish without question.
When Leonard continues to evade intimacy with him, Spock believes it to be trauma. It does not help him get over his anger - Leonard McCoy should not have been traumatised by Jim Kirk of all people; but then, trauma he can understand, and it is something they can overcome. When eventually Leonard tells him what’s wrong, everything only gets worse.
“Every time I’m with you,” the doctor says, “it makes me feel guilty. I feel like we’re betraying Jim.”
There is no logic in that. Spock cannot even pretend to understand. The reasoning escapes him, and he says so. Long silence answers him during which Leonard sits down and stares at the floor. Finally he says, “He loves you.”
Spock walks away then. He takes the day off, but they are already on the way back to Earth, the five year mission coming to an end, and no one has a need for his attention. For a day he meditates. For a day he tries to come to terms with the fact that all they once had, the three of them, is falling apart because of him.
-
“Spock is going to Gol.”
Kirk has no idea what that means, but the words have a finality to them that makes his stomach sink.
“To Gol? On Vulcan?”
“Yes. He’s got some emotional issues and came to the conclusion it would be best for all concerned if he got rid of them by getting rid of all emotions. Damn Vulcan!” McCoy sounds more frustrated with Spock than he has ever before. He lets himself fall into the chair opposite Kirk, who stares at him as the words skink in.
“So this means he’s not going to enlist for another mission?” Somehow, he’s already seen that coming. But the expectation didn’t prepare him for the impact of these words.
“This means if we ever see Spock again, he won’t be Spock anymore, Jim. He’s leaving to turn into the computer I always accused him of being. We’ll only be an academic memory for him, without meaning.”
There should be much going through Kirk’s mind this moment, but it’s empty. He can’t really grasp this. So all he asks is, “You’ve broken up then?”
He instantly regrets it.
McCoy sighs and won’t meet his eyes. “We wanted to tell you, Jim, as soon as the mission was over and regulations didn’t matter anymore. If anyone found out about this and found out you knew…”
“It’s okay, Bones. I understand.” Kirk imagined this moment, with no little guilt, many times before. It is nothing like it should be. They are both losing Spock now, and he only feels sorry for his friends and is convinced that somehow this is all his fault. “What went wrong?”
McCoy shrugs, clearly not willing to talk about it. “We had some difficulties we couldn’t overcome.”
“Is it because of me?” The question is out before Kirk can stop it. “Ever since that mission, Spock has been avoiding me. No one ever told me what really happened and M’Benga refused to let me see your medical record.” He takes a deep breath, because after wanting to ask this question for so long, it’s hard to actually do it. “I hurt you, didn’t I? When they drugged me? Tell me, Bones, what did I do?” He reaches across the desk for Bones’s hand, half expecting the doctor to pull it away. But the doctor just looks him in the eyes and covers Kirk’s hand with his free one.
“Nothing, Jim. Believe me. I just don’t like to talk about it, and my record is none of your business. You have nothing to blame yourself for.”
“But Spock…”
“Spock is an idiot who doesn’t know what he wants and decided to solve the problem by never wanting anything anymore,” Bones explodes, making Kirk realise that he can’t make this about himself and his fears. Within a second, however, his CMO has calmed down again. “I’m leaving as well,” he adds.
“You? To Gol?”
“Don’t be stupid, Jim. I’m going back home. Still got some recovering to do, and I don’t think I’ll come back after that. I just can’t. I’m sorry.”
And just like that, it ends. Kirk never tries to talk Bones out of his decision, but he can’t help feeling betrayed. He tries to talk Spock out of leaving, but all he gets is a formal goodbye.
Jim Kirk never wanted to give up command. It’s among the stars he belongs, and the Enterprise is his ship. He can’t stand the thought of another captain at the helm.
When he is offered promotion to Admiral and a job behind a desk, he takes it. There’s just no point in staying.
October 14, 2009
Fandom: Star Trek TOS
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: One sided Kirk/Spock, Spock/McCoy, Kirk/McCoy
Warnings: violence, non-con
Summary: Kirk loves Spock, but Spock is with McCoy, and that's okay, really. Until Kirk is drugged on a mission and suddenly it isn't.
Word count: 4511
Note: Written for this prompt at st_tos_kink.
1.
There are so many rumours about the captain and Spock that Kirk almost believes them himself. Of course most of those rumours are taken seriously by no one. It’s just a joke here, a meaningful glance there when once again Kirk and his first officer leave for a mission together, have their lunch together, play chess together or are just seen walking down the corridor together.
No other two crewmembers have risked their lives for each other more often. Kirk would willingly die for his friend, as would Spock for him. The rest of the crew doesn’t seem to realise that by their sense of duty, this also goes for everyone else.
Kirk and Spock are close. Everyone knows this well enough to joke about it, but Kirk is aware that no one truly knows how close they really are.
He doesn’t know himself when exactly it happened that Spock became such an important part of his life that existence without him began to seem impossible, but he knows the feeling is mutual. Sometimes the captain thinks of his dear old friend McCoy and feels guilty. He loves Bones, he really does, and is aware that despite their constant quarrels Spock, too, feels as much affection for the doctor as his Vulcan heart allows him, but there is a level to the relationship between Spock and Kirk that is closed to him. A part of each other they are not willing to share.
With anyone.
Kirk loves Spock. There has never been any doubt about this in him, but the nature of that love changed over the years. The love for a friend became the love for a brother and went deeper from there. James Kirk is a ladies man. Men never appealed to him like the soft beauty of women does, and yet, eventually, he began to wonder.
It started with a passing thought, almost a joke to himself, prompted by a crewman’s comment he’s not been supposed to overhear. It was silly, he told himself - the love between him and Spock was above any physical attraction. Sex would cheapen it, reduce it to the physical aspect - and yet the thought, once thought, kept developing, until Kirk imagined himself in his friend’s arms at night. Until he found himself staring at his Spock’s lips when they spoke, fighting the urge to lean in and kiss them.
It would be beautiful. There is no doubt in Kirk’s mind. Spock would complete him in a way none of his lovers ever has. And once he accepted this, it doesn’t take him long to accept that he doesn’t just love his friend but that he is also in love with him.
Spock, he is certain, would accept any approach he made in this regard. Kirk has no doubt concerning his first officer’s devotion. He can deny his captain nothing.
Which is exactly the reason why Kirk hesitates as long as he does before he decides to bring up the topic with his friend as soon as the appropriate moment presents itself. What makes him make up his mind is not so much the increasing physical desire for the Vulcan but, first and foremost, the fear that without Kirk to claim him as a lover, someone else will, and while Spock’s love for his captain would not be lessened by that, Kirk would have to share him in a way he isn’t willing to.
Not long after he made his decision, he discovers that he already does.
The moment isn’t earth shattering or dramatic. No stars fall from the sky. In fact, it is perfectly mundane. The only thing that breaks is Kirk’s heart.
It happens briefly after McCoy’s promotion to commander with an overheard conversation on an observation deck Spock and McCoy deem empty.
“… is a joke,” Kirk hears the doctor say when they enter. “But I’m not going to complain if this means more money for the retirement fund. I can already see the house we’re going to live in getting bigger. And suddenly it’s in a much better location.”
“It seems to me you are still insisting on that house being located on Earth.” Spock’s voice rings through the semi-dark room, driving Kirk further into the shadows where no one can see him.
“Of course I do. You said you wanted to teach at the academy, and the academy is on Earth. Also, I want a garden. I’m only putting up with all this promotion nonsense so one day I can tend to a big garden when I have nothing else to do, and let’s face it, the Vulcan vegetation doesn’t exactly make florists cry out in joy.”
“It is Terran florists you are talking about, of course. We shall discuss this again in a more appropriate setting.”
“I bet we will,” McCoy mutters. “And more than once.”
“It is a long time to retirement, Leonard.” Spock speaks patiently, with indulgent tenderness, and then the conversation moves to professional topics, and Kirk leaves silently through the other door, thinking Spock’s Vulcan ears must have picked up the wild, desperate pounding of his heart.
-
Spock and Bones. Bones and Spock. Kirk moves the idea around in his mind and it doesn’t fit, doesn’t ring right. He starts watching them until he thinks they must notice, looks for any slip, any accidental brush of fingers or exchanged glance that lasts a little bit too long, but they keep up pretence, perfectly. Eventually Kirk is almost convinced that he misinterpreted the conversation. He nearly confronts them about it, confronts Spock to get proof it isn’t true. In the end he doesn’t because he knows it is. Spock and Bones don’t need to share intimate gestures all the time because everything they do is of an easy intimacy plain visible to anyone willing to look. It’s in the way Spock doesn’t mind, doesn’t even seem to notice the casual touches that are so natural for humans and so uncomfortable for Vulcans. The way each seems to know what the other is thinking. Even their most heated arguments speak of a familiarity that goes beyond simple friendship.
Spock and Bones. It makes sense, in a strange sort of way. And Kirk is happy for them, he really is. He loves them both, in different ways, and he has been worried for Bones for a long time, always hoping he’d find someone to give him a purpose beyond his job. And if Spock is happy, then so is he. He will not show his love by ruining theirs.
This, at least, is what he thinks when he looks rationally at the relationship of his best friends. He doesn’t want to be jealous.
He is.
Kirk has been worried about Bones’s place in their friendship only to find he is the one left out. Bones has what he wants and it is hard not to resent him for that, just a little. Kirk resents himself more, because he tried to pretend that the bitterness comes solely from them not even telling him about this, as if he didn’t matter, and knows it isn’t true.
They never tell him, and he never asks. A year goes by and he gets used to it, really, and it hardly hurts anymore to think of the things they do at night. He no longer imagines Spock with him when one woman or another finds her way into his bed. He’s getting over it, regardless of the knowledge that he’s never again going to find a love as perfect as the one he cannot have.
Regardless of the fact that if he wanted to take Spock from McCoy, he could.
He doesn’t want to be that kind of person.
-
2.
It is before an away mission that Kirk sees their fingers brush, in that Vulcan way, for the first time, and perhaps things would have been different if he hadn’t. He turns around just a second too early and witnesses them pressing their fingers together the way Spock’s parents did all so often. It brings back all the pain and the jealousy, and the loneliness, but Kirk pretends he didn’t notice and steps onto the transporter platform beside McCoy, ready to be beamed down.
“Take care of my ship, Mr. Spock,” he says with a smile. “I expect her to be in good condition when I come back.”
“And I expect you to take the necessary caution down on the planet,” Spock answers, his hands clasped behind his back. “We will not be back before tomorrow and cannot help you should you run into trouble.”
“You take care of delivering those minerals,” McCoy tells him. “This planet is our problem.” He pads the case with his medical equipment. “Don’t worry. Everything will go well.”
But of course, it doesn’t.
-
Spock suspected the call for help they received from the lone science station to be fake from the beginning. Kirk wishes he had listened to him when they push him into the cell where Bones is already waiting. The scientists are dead. Who has taken over he doesn’t know, has never seen their kind before, but it seems unimportant now. They spoke of his rank, his way of thinking and of tests, and then they injected some drug and send him to the cell. It doesn’t really matter. Kirk is aware that his thoughts become increasingly confused, but it’s hard to concentrate, hard to care.
He sees Bones and thinks of Spock, and the sacrifice he made for this man. It wasn’t worth it. McCoy can never be for Spock what Kirk could have been. He isn’t worthy of him. What does he ever do for them but be in their way?
“No,” he groans, sinking to his knees when a wave of hatred rolls over him. This is the drug’s influence, he knows. He’s got to fight it. Bones is his friend.
The doctor comes over, touches his shoulder. “Jim, what’s wrong?” Faking concern when he never even cared enough to tell him he’s fucking Spock.
“Drugged,” Kirk manages to say. “Can’t fight it.”
“You’ve got to! Just a little longer. Spock will be back in a few hours. He’ll get us out of here.” And Kirk’s control snaps.
His hand is around the doctor’s throat in a second, pushing him back until his head hits the wall. “Oh right, Spock! He’ll save us and you can crawl back into his bed.” He tightens his hold and enjoys the fear and shock in the other’s eyes.
“Jim,” McCoy gasps. “How…”
“How I know when you never told me? Because I’m not stupid, even if you think I am.” He applies more pressure, not caring about the hands that claw at his arm, the helplessly kicking feet. “It’s obvious you are fucking him. Or is he fucking you? I bet he is. He’d never let someone like you take him, but you might be just good enough for that.” It takes only a harsh movement of his arm to throw McCoy all the way through the small cell. He hits the ground hard and lies there struggling for breath until Kirk is over him, putting a foot on the narrow chest. “I could kill you. I should. I’d be doing him a favour. He’s too kind to get rid of you.”
“You won’t.” McCoy’s words are strangled, barely audible. How pathetic he is. “I know you, Jim, you’d never kill without reason. Even that drug can’t change you that much.”
“Who says I don’t have a reason?” Kirk kicks McCoy’s chest, then his stomach, before he can do anything to protect himself. “You lied to me! You made fun of me for years and thought I wouldn’t notice you were laughing behind my back!”
“Jim, please.” The doctor sounds desperate, but he has barely enough air to speak. “We never meant to… regulations… didn’t want to put you in that position.”
“Oh, too kind! So you only lied to me so I wouldn’t have to pretend I didn’t know? Or was it rather that you thought I’d take him from you?” A few more well aimed kicks leave McCoy unable to answer. Oh, how often has Kirk seen him with Spock and wanted to tear him away and beat at him until he stopped moving! “If Spock was mine, I would let everyone know, and kill whoever tried to take him from me! You don’t deserve him, and you know it. He knows it, too. If I wanted to, I could take him. I don’t know why I didn’t before.” He really doesn’t. Why didn’t he? It doesn’t make sense.
McCoy tries to speak, but he can’t. His eyes are wide and frightened. Kirk looks down on him and doesn’t understand why he let him have his way for so long. He thinks of all the wasted time when he should have been with Spock and this man occupied the place that should be his, and all the hurt, frustration and jealousy turn into blind hatred screaming for release. It feels so good to let go. Months of suppressed anger finally find relief as bones break under the impact of his boots.
McCoy barely has any fight left in him when Kirk sits down on his chest, straddling his wrists. They are so thin it’s ridiculous. Everything about this man is fragile, made to be broken. The idea of Spock being wasted on someone this weak is disgusting.
“How did you make him take you in?” Kirk sneers. “Did you beg? Appeal to his pity? Threaten him? No… he wouldn’t let anyone threaten him. It must be pity then. If he didn’t pity you, he would be with me.” He twists one arm sharply, just to hear McCoy cry out in pain when the wrist snaps. “It’s ridiculous,” he hisses, “that he should want to be with you and not me.”
He takes hold of McCoy’s hair and slams his head against the floor. When he moves away to tear off the trousers of his uniform, the doctor doesn’t even resist. “You slut!” Kirk spits in his face when he pushes apart his (friend’s) rival’s thighs. “You just spread your legs for anyone who will have you, don’t you?”
“Jim…” With some effort, Kirk can make out McCoy’s (Bones’s) words, but he’s just not interested. “Don’t do this. Please. You’re…” The doctor’s pleas get cut off when Kirk thrusts into him. He has never been with a man before and didn’t expect it to be so tight. After all, McCoy is well fucked, isn’t he? “Is this what he does to you? Do you like it?” He slams in hard and McCoy would have screamed had he had the strength. Instead he only gasps as Kirk pounds into him without mercy.
“I bet you wish I was him. Well, I’ll tell you something: I wish you were him too.” And perhaps this is the closest Kirk can ever get to Spock: by taking his place and destroying what belongs to him. Bones has given this to Spock, and now Kirk is taking it, until there is nothing left Spock wants to have, and they will all three be lonely.
He comes with a scream and when he collapses on top of his victim, he begins to sob.
-
Much later he thinks he hears Spock’s voice, and perhaps he blinks and sees the beloved Vulcan stand with McCoy’s body, bloodied and broken, cradled in his arms. The rest is darkness, and perhaps it was a dream all along and nothing ever happened.
-
When he wakes up, Doctor M’Benga is looking down at him. Kirk’s head is full of cotton, damping his thoughts.
“What happened?” His voice is strong - it almost comes as a shock, doesn’t fit with his headache and the emptiness inside him.
“You don’t remember?” M’Benga nods. “We thought that would happen. You were drugged.”
“Drugged?” Kirk remembers leaving the ship, and that the scientists are death. Everything else is being swallowed by the darkness in his head. He vaguely remembers being very angry. “Where’s McCoy?”
M’Benga hesitates, and suddenly Kirk is worried. “Was he drugged too? Is he all right?”
“He wasn’t drugged, but he was hurt on the mission. He’s next door now.” The doctor nods towards the door to the small single room. Kirk stares at it as if it was about to attack him. “Spock is with him.”
“Spock?” Something runs through Kirk’s body like a shock at the mention of that name, but if there is a memory connected to it, it’s gone before he can grasp it. “How bad is it?”
“He’ll live,” M’Benga says, which isn’t an answer, not really. He puts a hand on Kirk’s shoulder when the captain tries to get up. “You can’t see him yet.”
“Why not?”
“He’s unconscious and in critical condition. I can’t allow anyone else in there, and you need to stay in bed until we know there are no lasting effects of that drug.”
“You’re allowing Spock to see him,” Kirk snaps, and immediately regrets it. Spock probably just wants a moment alone with his injured lover. Perhaps he even asked M’Benga to keep everyone else out, and if that is the case, Kirk has no right to disturb them. Not when it’s most likely his fault Bones got hurt - if only because he failed to protect him.
“How did he get hurt?”
“The aliens that have taken over the science station have beaten him up. His injuries are quite severe. It looks like I’ll have his job for a while.” M’Benga smiles to signal Kirk all will be all right. “Now, let’s see to it that you can return to yours.” He begins a number of scans and tests to determine Kirk’s condition. The captain lets it happen, while all the time his gaze wanders over to the door behind which Spock is keeping vigil over the unconscious doctor. He feels like he is missing something important.
-
3.
Jim can never know. It is the first thing Leonard tells Spock when he wakes up on the ship after hours of surgery and days of artificial coma. Jim doesn’t need to know. It wasn’t his fault, but he would blame himself, and this he could never handle. So they won‘t tell him. It is the logical thing to do.
Why then does this dissatisfy Spock so much?
For days, he avoids the captain. He attempts to keep him out of Leonard’s room to the point where Kirk gets suspicious because Spock cannot bear the thought of him being alone with his defenceless mate. Even after Leonard regains consciousness, Spock hardly speaks to Jim. He can sense the captain’s confusion but is unable to overcome the resentment the man awakens in him.
Besides Leonard, only Doctor M’Benga and Spock know what really happened - M’Benga because he was the one to save Leonard’s life, and Spock because he found them. He almost wishes it had been someone else, because then he would not know and his friendship to Jim would not be this… damaged.
When he pulled Kirk off Leonard’s still from, it took Spock every bit of discipline to defeat the instinct to protect his mate and kill his attacker. Neither the doctor nor the captain will ever learn how close he has come to breaking the unconscious human’s neck.
Despite the lengths of their relationship, Spock has lain with his mate only a few times. Duty and secrecy never left them much opportunity for intimacy, but what little time they have had was enough for both of them. Their lovemaking always was tender and careful, each conscious of not overstepping any boundaries. This brutal violation leaves Spock lost as to its purpose and angry beyond his own comprehension
He spends more time with Leonard now and no one asks any questions. If anyone suspects that the doctor spends every night curled up in Spock’s arms after his release from sickbay, they don’t let it show.
Spock is never certain if this new closeness has its source in Leonard’s need to feel save or his own inability to let him be on his own.
“You don’t need to watch me everywhere I go,” the doctor snaps when his patience finally runs out. And, “I was able to take care of myself long before I met you.” And, “I don’t get why you act like that around Jim. Don’t you think he’ll notice and ask questions? Spock, it wasn’t his fault!”
‘I know that,’ Spock wants to say. He says, “He hurt you. Our friend!”
Leonards sinks down onto the bed with a sigh, burying his face in his hands. “Don’t you think I know that? Sometimes I feel like I can never trust him again. But I can, because I know it wasn’t him. Dammit, Spock, people have mentally controlled me so often, and yet you never blamed me for what I did then.”
“This is different. I know how that drug worked. His decisions were still his own.”
“But he wasn’t himself! I know Jim, and I know he’d never do something like this, and that’s enough for me! Why can’t it be enough for you? Don’t you see the logic?”
Spock does, but he can’t act on it. The irony doesn’t escape him that Leonard can.
The remnants of his primitive nature are to blame. Somehow, beneath all the logic and control survived an instinct to protect his lover that overrules everything; all logic, all reason, even the memories of the friendship the three of them used to share. Spock mourns its loss - in a way Jim is still dearer to him than anyone else, but he cannot forget and he cannot forgive.
His emotions trouble him more than ever before. He has lost control over them, and it’s the negative ones that control him.
Leonard never talks about what happened. Spock knows what he saw and what the medical report told him, nothing more. He can’t see why his lover doesn’t tell him what led up to the captain’s actions, but even though he thinks he might be able to forgive if at least he understood, he never asks, respecting Leonard’s wish without question.
When Leonard continues to evade intimacy with him, Spock believes it to be trauma. It does not help him get over his anger - Leonard McCoy should not have been traumatised by Jim Kirk of all people; but then, trauma he can understand, and it is something they can overcome. When eventually Leonard tells him what’s wrong, everything only gets worse.
“Every time I’m with you,” the doctor says, “it makes me feel guilty. I feel like we’re betraying Jim.”
There is no logic in that. Spock cannot even pretend to understand. The reasoning escapes him, and he says so. Long silence answers him during which Leonard sits down and stares at the floor. Finally he says, “He loves you.”
Spock walks away then. He takes the day off, but they are already on the way back to Earth, the five year mission coming to an end, and no one has a need for his attention. For a day he meditates. For a day he tries to come to terms with the fact that all they once had, the three of them, is falling apart because of him.
-
“Spock is going to Gol.”
Kirk has no idea what that means, but the words have a finality to them that makes his stomach sink.
“To Gol? On Vulcan?”
“Yes. He’s got some emotional issues and came to the conclusion it would be best for all concerned if he got rid of them by getting rid of all emotions. Damn Vulcan!” McCoy sounds more frustrated with Spock than he has ever before. He lets himself fall into the chair opposite Kirk, who stares at him as the words skink in.
“So this means he’s not going to enlist for another mission?” Somehow, he’s already seen that coming. But the expectation didn’t prepare him for the impact of these words.
“This means if we ever see Spock again, he won’t be Spock anymore, Jim. He’s leaving to turn into the computer I always accused him of being. We’ll only be an academic memory for him, without meaning.”
There should be much going through Kirk’s mind this moment, but it’s empty. He can’t really grasp this. So all he asks is, “You’ve broken up then?”
He instantly regrets it.
McCoy sighs and won’t meet his eyes. “We wanted to tell you, Jim, as soon as the mission was over and regulations didn’t matter anymore. If anyone found out about this and found out you knew…”
“It’s okay, Bones. I understand.” Kirk imagined this moment, with no little guilt, many times before. It is nothing like it should be. They are both losing Spock now, and he only feels sorry for his friends and is convinced that somehow this is all his fault. “What went wrong?”
McCoy shrugs, clearly not willing to talk about it. “We had some difficulties we couldn’t overcome.”
“Is it because of me?” The question is out before Kirk can stop it. “Ever since that mission, Spock has been avoiding me. No one ever told me what really happened and M’Benga refused to let me see your medical record.” He takes a deep breath, because after wanting to ask this question for so long, it’s hard to actually do it. “I hurt you, didn’t I? When they drugged me? Tell me, Bones, what did I do?” He reaches across the desk for Bones’s hand, half expecting the doctor to pull it away. But the doctor just looks him in the eyes and covers Kirk’s hand with his free one.
“Nothing, Jim. Believe me. I just don’t like to talk about it, and my record is none of your business. You have nothing to blame yourself for.”
“But Spock…”
“Spock is an idiot who doesn’t know what he wants and decided to solve the problem by never wanting anything anymore,” Bones explodes, making Kirk realise that he can’t make this about himself and his fears. Within a second, however, his CMO has calmed down again. “I’m leaving as well,” he adds.
“You? To Gol?”
“Don’t be stupid, Jim. I’m going back home. Still got some recovering to do, and I don’t think I’ll come back after that. I just can’t. I’m sorry.”
And just like that, it ends. Kirk never tries to talk Bones out of his decision, but he can’t help feeling betrayed. He tries to talk Spock out of leaving, but all he gets is a formal goodbye.
Jim Kirk never wanted to give up command. It’s among the stars he belongs, and the Enterprise is his ship. He can’t stand the thought of another captain at the helm.
When he is offered promotion to Admiral and a job behind a desk, he takes it. There’s just no point in staying.
October 14, 2009