Star Trek TOS, episode 57: Elaan of Troyius
A.k.a. The Episode That Would Not End. I mean - what the fuck?
For
gentlest_sin who requested it.
TRAILER
NEXT VOYAGE: There is a woman on board, so KIRK has to have her. SPOCK and MCCOY do not approve, but are also not surprised, for it is KIRK and the woman is going to marry, presumably someone else.
GUARDS who are into S&M make the mistake of wearing red. KIRK’S girlfriend does not approve of her slippers, her food or her KIRK. SCOTTY doesn’t care because he is busy trying to figure out new, so far untried ways of announcing impending destruction and fails. And somewhere in space there is a KLINGON, firing at stuff. As they do.
ELAAN OF TROYIUS
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: On super secret mission to pick up guy from Troyius. Mission accomplished. Now on other, even more super secret mission to pick up chick from other planet in same system. I carefully hide my displeasure with this mission because it would be undiplomatic.
KIRK: I don’t like this mission. It sucks.
SCOTT: It’s stupid. They don’t need us. Let’s do something else.
SPOCK: KLINGONS!
SCOTT: This place is pretty boring, even for Klingons.
MCCOY: They’ll come for the plot.
KIRK: I come for diplomatic reasons and stuff.
VOICE OUT OF WALL: Captain, the diplomatic stuff is ready to beam in. They are pissed because they have to wait, since after one minute and six seconds, you are still in the bloody lift with all your officers.
KIRK: They confuse me. Kirk out.
SPOCK: These people are arrogant. I am We are much better.
MCCOY: Their most charming feature is that the women make you go crazy.
SPOCK: *eyebrows*
KIRK: *appreciates the women*
TURBO LIFT: *stops*
KIRK: Ambassador Petri, I make you responsible for the arrogance of the people from another planet. I are not amused.
PETRI: So what? The Biggest Evil Of All is about to beam aboard. We hate it. Therefore, we will be nice to it and do everything it says. Your amusement is secondary.
GUARDS: *are beamed aboard*
MCCOY: What the fuck? That’s not an enemy, that’s just a bunch of guys in silly costumes.
KIRK: Your pointless and uncalled for display of weapons does not even inspire Spock to lift an eyebrow.
GUARD #1: Because of the presence of the guy we were supposed to meet here, we will mistrust you and need to secure the area.
KIRK: The area is secure.
GUARD #1: We’ll take your word for that.
GUARDS: We shall kneel and show our worship to the transporter beam.
PETRI: Because I hate you and you hate me I’m going to do just everything you say.
ELAAN: *is beamed aboard*
SPOCK: *does not go crazy*
KIRK: *is undecided*
SPOCK & MCCOY: *are waiting for KIRK to go crazy*
KIRK: Let’s postpone this decision until later. For now, let’s kneel down because, well. Yeah.
KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY & SCOTT: *kneel*
SCOTT: This is no fun. I’d rather be somewhere else.
ELAAN: *stands on transporter platform*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
(OPENING CREDITS)
ELAAN: I am an alien from the future. You can tell from my freaky clothes and my funny hair.
MCCOY: I’m not impressed. Janice Rand had much funnier hair than you.
KIRK: Ignore him, your alienness. Janice Rand disappeared without a word two seasons ago and we just generally pretend she never existed.
GUARDS: You are now forbidden to speak unless permitted to even though this is your ship and you are doing us a favour by transporting us. Because, you see, since we look exactly like you, our race’s prime characteristic to set us apart from everyone else is arrogance. *is arrogant*
SPOCK: I have logic and ears. *is happy*
PETRI: *is green*
ELAAN: Spock should rule this vessel. He has better ears.
SPOCK: *agrees on the ears part*
ELAAN: I hate you all, but I grant you the incredible honour of being in my presence. You may proceed to be my obedient slaves.
KIRK: Okay. We’ll just let you insult us and do everything you say for no particular reason.
MCCOY: *thinks ELAAN is a bitch*
SPOCK & SCOTT: *think so too*
KIRK: Spock, I love you. Therefore I leave the honour of dealing with her to you.
SPOCK: *does not feel honoured*
KIRK & PETRI: *leave*
KIRK: We are standing in the privacy of the corridor while Spock is about to come out and show Elaan to her quarters. Please use this opportunity to tell me about the mission I’m on. Who is she, who are you, and are we here?
MISSION BRIEFING: *never happened*
PETRI: Our planets are on opposite ends of this solar system. But they are in the same solar system, therefore it is obvious that peaceful coexistence is impossible now we have both developed nuclear weapons.
TEMPTATION TO BLAST ARROGANT ALIENS OUT OF SPACE: *is considerable*
PETRI: Now we will take her home to my planet where she will marry our king, so we can all be a big, dysfunctional family. Really, Captain, I thought that much was evident form her complete lack of luggage. Oh, by the way, this is important for your Federation for some obscure reason, so the scale is epic and I must now go to her and lick the floor at her feet some more. Please travel slowly so we can all enjoy her some more.
KIRK: *is glad he’s not PETRI*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CHEKOV: I’m bored. Nothing happens.
KIRK: We go now. But slowly.
SULU: That’s slow!
CHEKOV: I can press buttons. I don’t care.
SCOTT: What the fuck? Are my engines not good enough for you anymore? *is insulted*
KIRK: Yeah, well, so what? It’s not like we have anything better to do.
SPOCK: Captain, the lady is dissatisfied, and now you must pacify her, for her demands are illogical and emotional and if I have to spend another minute in her presence I shall kill her and eat her brain. *misses MCCOY*
UHURA: That bitch is in my quarters. She’d better show some gratitude!
KIRK: Whatever. I will deal with her, for she is a woman and I am the Kirk.
-
ELAAN’S QUARTERS: *look completely different from when they were UHURA’S quarters*
ELAAN: You gifts fail. I shall have a fit over this.
PETRI: I am patient. I am patient. But in one second I will break your neck.
ELAAN: Your epic fail makes me want to die.
PETRI: *would like that very much*
KIRK: I see you are displeased.
ELAAN: Why did you let him in, idiots?
GUARD #1: You told us to.
ELAAN: This is making me throw things. These quarters suck.
KIRK: Uhura is nicer than you.
ELAAN: The fact that one of the people I am shortly going to share a planet with is on this ship is causing me to behave like I was of pre-school age.
PRE-SCHOOLS: *do not want her*
PETRI: I am pre-school teacher. I shall teach you how to behave. Everyone on my planet and yours agreed on this, and they generously left it to me to tell you on the way back.
ELLAN: I reject your courtesy. Guards, remove him and his garbage!
GUARD #1: I have knife!
KIRK: The weapons you keep pointlessly pointing at people do not get my attention at all.
PETRI: My fake smile is fake! *leaves with gifts*
ELAAN: I hate his people, and mine for making me live with his people. We share a solar system. Hatred is natural. Also, they’re green.
KIRK: Your temper does not impress me.
ELAAN: I demand you to rebuild this ship so it contains quarters of my liking.
QUARTERS OF HER LIKING: *do not exist in any possible reality*
KIRK: I am mocking you and your tendency to break things. Goodbye.
PETRI: *is outside* I fucking hate her. Let’s dump her out of an airlock.
RANDOM REDSHIRT: *is random* The captain and all the aliens yelling right beside me do not interest me enough to look their way.
KIRK: Do not despair! Show her how male and strong you are and she’ll give in to you. Works for me every time. Come, I’ll demonstrate it to you.
KIRK & PETRI: *off*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
MUSIC: *demands attention*
SPOCK: We have ghost! Is following us. In this area full of Klingons, I am unable to formulate a guess as to the nature of the thing following us.
KIRK: It might be a spaceship. I can guess, because I am more awesome than you.
SCOTT: *is on intercom* Please get these persons out of my engine room. They are scaring the engines.
KIRK: I shall do so! For no one on this ship is able to do anything without me.
-
ENGINES: *are scared*
SCOTT: I am looking down on your primitive technology.
ELAAN: I mock your profession.
SCOTT: *feels mocked*
ELAAN: Your engines do not interest us. Randomly, I want to know how you can fight in this thing.
KIRK: I are here to solve all your problems.
ELAAN: I grand you permission to be in my glorious presence. My graciousness makes me queen of this vessel. But I have stopped giving ridiculous orders about your speech time, even though I’m used to nothing else and everyone was following them.
KIRK: I am taking over the teaching job from Ambassador Petri, as obviously I am a better diplomat than he is. I shall proceed to teach you lessons in courtesy.
ELAAN: I shall proceed to ignore them. I am, however, not responding with a temper tantrum because I am slowly being convinced of the error in my ways by the power of your Awesome.
SPOCK: Come back to bridge, captain. The ghost is back and we need you to do the thinking.
-
SPOCK: The ghost is a ship.
KIRK: No shit, really?
SPOCK: It’s KLINGONS!
SULU: Oh, about time! Honestly, nothing has been happening here in forever.
ENTERPRISE: *is flying through space*
KLINGON VESSEL: *is following ENTERPRISE*
KLINGONS: O hai. Despite the fact that you are creeping through space at minimum speed we needed this long to catch up with you.
ENTERPRISE & KLINGON VESSEL: *are facing each other High Noon style*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SECURITY: Dramatic development must be contained. Please come back to quarters of annoying female lead who attempted murder because she cannot bear the thought of anything getting more attention than her, including an enemy warship about to strike.
KIRK: In that case she shall have all of my attention. Klingons, wait until I have time to be interested in you.
SPOCK: Why do I even bother getting out of this chair?
-
GUARDS: You shall not move on your ship without permission of her glory.
ELAAN: I murdered the green one. Remove his body from my presence.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
PETRI: I’m not dead.
MCCOY: You’re lucky Kirk found you. I would have declared you dead and beamed you into space.
PETRI: This is your fault, Kirk, because I know shit about diplomacy and took lessons from you.
MCCOY: You’re all stupid.
UHURA: I am also in this episode. I decoded an ultra-high-security message meant for you, Captain, and am now telling you about it in the middle of sickbay so you don’t have to read it. Federation High Commissioner is on his way here for the wedding, so there is more drama in this story.
DRAMA: *is increased*
FEDERATION HIGH COMMISIONER: *is never mentioned again*
CHAPEL: Ambassador, let me ask you a random question to get this plot going. Why is everyone so hot for the women of that planet if they are all so bitchy?
PETRI: They can bitch all they want, since once a man makes them cry the chemicals in their tears enslave him forever.
MCCOY: I, as a doctor, didn’t bother to do this much research on the people we are dealing with. But then, what do I know? I’m just standing around in the background anyway. Nevermind me.
KIRK: Let me tell everyone who hasn’t heard yet about the top secret message I just got.
MCCOY: The bride is a killer. This is fun.
PETRI: There will be no wedding. I decide in my rulers place that he will not marry her. By the way, I hate you.
KIRK: You fail at your job, keep doing it. By the way, Bones, when will he be able to?
MCCOY: Not yet.
PETRI: You do my job. You’re better at it anyway, and without your interference, this plot will go nowhere.
-
ELAAN: I mock my clothes and hair by eating like a barbarian. I resent that I’m not a murderess.
KIRK: Your manners fail in each and every way.
ELAAN: So what? I’m a racist primitive and my clothes sparkle. It was my right to stab him.
AIRLOCKS: *were invented for the spacing of ELAAN*
KIRK: Your people are warriors. You must have discipline, like me. I follow orders even if I don’t know what they are and what’s the point. Since you removed your old teacher, I will teach you about the rules and manners of his planet, despite having no clue what they are. I will therefore teach you ours and assume that they are basically all the same anyway.
ELAAN: I want to go home.
KIRK: Denied!
ELAAN: I do not wish to be married for political reasons to someone I hate.
KIRK: Though. In another setting I’d be on your side, but you kind of suck.
ELAAN: *slaps KIRK*
KIRK: *slaps ELAAN* You cannot slap people who tell you the truth.
ELAAN: I can slap people who insult the living daylight out of me. I can also attempt to murder them. *attempts to murder KIRK*
KIRK: I don’t care, you missed. I’ll be back tomorrow.
-
ENTERPRISE: *flies through space*
KLINGON VESSEL: *follows ENTERPRISE* *looks phallic*
KIRK: This ship has been following us forever. Do you think it’s time yet to ask them what they want?
UHURA: Might be. *asks KLINGONS*
-
GUARD #1: I’m sabotaging the ship. I know how to do that, because these people tell everyone everything they want to know about their engines.
-
UHURA: The Klingons aren’t talking to us.
KIRK: Well, I don’t wanna talk to them either.
-
REDSHIRT: Hey, stop sabotaging our ship, you alien who is much bigger and stronger than me and always carries a weapon!
GUARD #1: *kills him with bare hands*
ENTIRETY OF THE ACTION IN THIS EPISODE: *happens*
GUARD #1: I shall sneakily hide this dead body right in this regularly frequented doorway! *goes back to sabotaging*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
KLINGON VESSEL: *is coming from behind* *is still phallic*
-
GUARD #1: *is still sabotaging*
-
KIRK: Where is Guard #1?
GUARD #2: Busy. You shall not pass.
KIRK: Shall! I’ll even talk with your stupid expressions.
GUARD #2: Shall not, or I’ll be whipped to death.
KIRK: I lack sympathy for your impending death. *attempts to pass*
GUARDS: *are shot from behind*
SPOCK: I am obviously here because you knew she wouldn’t allow you and were scared of facing the guards on your own. Your plan, Captain, was flawless, but I don’t get it.
KIRK: That’s because you know nothing about women, as on your planet they make sense and therefore do not qualify as women. *goes inside to attack ELAAN in her bed*
ELAAN: *secretly likes this* You will be put to death because everywhere I go my planet’s laws apply.
KIRK: This is my ship. I am the law!
ELAAN: In that case, I will hide in the closet.
KIRK: You will either come out and let me spank you or I’ll have Spock and Bones come and do it.
MCCOY: Spock can do that alone. Stories like this keep me from complaining about my lack of screen time.
ELAAN: I prefer you. Spank me, Captain! It’s my kink!
KIRK: Come to think of it, I don’t wanna.
ELAAN: Come on, I just completely changed my mind. Teach me how to be liked.
KIRK: Sorry. You’re a lost cause.
ELAAN: Being hated by everyone kind of sucks.
KIRK: Stop crying. Give me a second to change my attitude again. * changes attitude* People don’t hate you.
PEOPLE: Yes, we do!
KIRK: Let me tenderly wipe the tears off your face because I totally didn’t listen to the explanation about the effect your chemicals have on men that was given by Petri while I was standing right beside him.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: *is resisting*
ELAAN: Captain.
KIRK: *stops resisting*
KIRK & ELAAN: Let’s share a kind of awkward kiss to dramatically cheesy music.
ELAAN: Now spank me!
KIRK: Yay!
-
SABOTAGE: *is complete*
GUARDS #1: *is transmitting*
-
UHURA: Captain, talk to me!
KIRK: Don’t want to. I’m horny.
UHURA: Captain, someone is raping your ship by transmitting to Klingons from engineering.
KIRK: Oh noes! Security, be alert!
ELAAN: Let’s cuddle! Sex made me a better person!
KIRK: What the fuck am I doing here?
-
SCOTT: The transmitter the evil guard used to transmit to the Klingons is Klingon.
KIRK: Bones, state the obvious!
MCCOY: The redshirt is dead.
KIRK: Thank you. Guard, explain.
GUARD #1: You can’t scare me, we’re better at torture than you are.
KIRK: You think! You have not considered the Spock! Spock, come to engineering to mind-rape this guy, in an act that is utterly detestable unless you are the one doing it.
GUARD #1: I’d rather steal a phaser and vaporize myself, as opposed to stealing phaser and simply killing everyone else in the room and escape. *vaporizes self*
MCCOY: Do you need me to say it?
KIRK: No. You can return to hibernation.
REDSHIRT: Sorry, Captain. Like every other security guard on this ship, I fail.
ENTERPRISE SECURITY: *has never done anything useful*
KIRK: Scotty, because it is obvious you cannot think of this yourself, I’m telling you that he must have come to engineering to sabotage the ship. Check it out.
SCOTT: That’s impossible.
KIRK: Sorry, did you say something? I need to go back to my girlfriend.
-
ELAAN: He loved me and sold us out to the Klingons to stop me marrying someone else. Nevermind that now. Let’s resume sex!
KIRK: Cannot. Ship is in danger. Also, duty and all. You belong to someone else, which in itself is enough to turn me on. *totally approves of slavery*
ELAAN: Forget it. I cried on you, you’re mine. I like you better than my future husband anyway because you’re not green. Let’s avoid my husband by wiping out his planet! Then you shall be king of this system.
KIRK: That sounds slightly evil. You are a racist bitch, but I’ll ignore that for the sake of copulation. Let’s make out!
KIRK & ELAAN: *make out*
DOOR BUZZER: Buzz! Buzz!
SPOCK: It is I, to stop you from sexing!
DOOR BUZZER: Buzz!
ELAAN: Go away, I’m doing the sexing now!
KIRK: As long as sexing is going to happen, I don’t care which of you is involved.
DOOR: *opens*
ELAAN: There is no reason why the presence of two males he sees every day should distract my Kirk from kissing the irresistible me. Especially since I used a date rape drug on him.
KIRK: *is distracted anyway*
MCCOY: I have not been scarce in this episode. I have all this time been hiding behind the furniture with Spock waiting for this to happen because it was completely, totally, utterly inevitable.
KIRK: You and Spock have been behind with furniture… watching us?
MCCOY: That too.
SPOCK: Jim, we need to talk.
MCCOY: You are in so much trouble!
KIRK: I’m leaving the room extra slowly so my new lover has a chance to save me from my angry boyfriends! *walks stiff legged*
ELAAN: *is not the only one who’s into spanking*
SAVING: *doesn’t happen*
MCCOY: She cried on you, right? Now you’re doomed. This love potion does never, ever, ever wear off.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK: We’ll have to go on without you then.
KIRK: No way! I’m the centre of this threesome! Bones, save me!
MCCOY: I would have told you why this was difficult if the intercom had let me finish my sentence. Now you’ll never know.
SULU: Captain, the plot is moving on! The Klingon ship is chasing it in our direction.
-
SPOCK: The captain is drugged out of his mind. That is, however, no reason for me or the doctor to relieve him of command.
KIRK: I am fascinated by my hand. Oh, right, Klingons. Let’s finally do what we should have done before our ship was sabotaged and run for it so we can come back and kick their ass. Warp two!
SCOTT: Matter, antimatter.
KIRK: Wait, what?
SCOTT: For dramatic effect I am speaking so quietly that my voice can barely be heard over the alarm as I warn you that the moment we go into warp drive we will blow up!
KIRK: Okay, let’s not then.
LAST SECOND: *had an appearance*
KLINGON VESSEL: *comes closer*
-
KLINGON VESSEL: *come closer*
SCOTT: It’s hopeless. We’re gonna blow.
KIRK: Mr. Sulu, do some piloting. Scotty, save the ship. And kick up impulse power. And do everything else there is to be done in engineering.
SCOTT: Obviously, I’m all alone here. But who cares?
ELAAN: *enters bridge*
KIRK: We really need to stop allowing everyone on the bridge who happens to want to be there. Especially if it’s the chick who drugged me and is distracting me from fighting for our lives.
SPOCK: If you want me to do something about this, you need to tell me. Without your orders I can’t even turn around.
KIRK: No need. Let’s get this battle on with the distracting female around. Or rather, let’s not.
KLINGON VESSEL: *does nothing*
SPOCK: The Klingons did nothing.
KIRK: They want to make us blow ourselves up and spare the effort.
SPOCK: It is logical. But there’s no point in their interest in this system.
KIRK: Bones was right - they must have come for the plot.
PLOT: *hides in fear*
SPOCK: Now that is taken care of, let’s get back to the topic of your current girlfriend.
KIRK: Let’s fight and break up over her. No, wait, let’s not. Girlfriend, I send you to sickbay under the pretence of wanting you protected.
ELAAN: I won’t go. Your friend will murder me with a hypo.
SPOCK: It’s either the hypo from the doctor or the airlock from me.
KIRK: I am emo over my inability to protect you in your presence. I will therefore accompany you everywhere you go and leave the conn to Spock. Again.
ELAAN: You should have fought them and married me.
KIRK: I’d rather run and have you marry someone else. Also, Scotty will call in a second and tell us we can’t fight nor run because we don’t have dilithium crystals anymore.
SCOTT: Captain, we can’t fight nor run because we don’t have dilithium crystams anymore.
ELAAN: I will now go to sickbay as you said because I love you and am your willing slave.
KIRK: Yeah, whatever.
-
MCCOY & CHAPEL: *are randomly testing every substance in the universe for antidode*
PETRI: *is still not dead* You’re wasting your time.
MCCOY: It’s my time to waste. I am confident in my ability to do what those people have tried and failed to do for centuries.
ELAAN: I come here for safety.
PETRI: No safety will be found here, as the doctor will confirm.
MCCOY: I’m just here to solve medical problems. If the ship blows up while I’m at it, that’s the captain’s problem.
-
SPOCK: The Klingons are demanding an immediate reply to their demands, else they’ll destroy us. We thought it appropriate to neither answer in your place nor disturb your moment with your current girlfriend.
SCOTT: We are now a garbage can.
SPOCK: Starfleet is useless.
-
PETRI: Please die wearing the necklace you were supposed to wear at your wedding which I was trying to cancel. I just happen to have it with me in sickbay. Also, stop being a selfish cow.
ELAAN: I give in. The Awesome of the Kirk has converted me.
-
KIRK: If we’re smart, maybe they’ll forget they received the “I successfully sabotaged this ship!” signal. Let’s communicate!
KLINGON: Give up or die!
SPOCK: At least he got straight to the point.
PLOT: *is jealous*
KIRK: We fail. Cue dramatic music.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SULU: Klingons want to fight.
KIRK: Scotty, can we fight?
SCOTT: No. Leave me the fuck alone.
ELAAN: The situation is critical. I must therefore get back to the bridge to distract the one in command.
KIRK: Don’t worry about me dying without you - we’re all on the same ship.
KLINGONS: *attack*
KIRK: I must feel up Sulu so he can absorb my Awesome and fight!
SCOTT: Did I mention we can’t?
KIRK: Sulu, it is your fault that the ship’s not fast enough without warp.
SPOCK: No need to worry. One more shot and we die. It is therefore time for the last second rescue to happen. Since Mr. Scott is useless this episode, I will scan the bridge to see if the solution happens to be here. Oh, look!
ELAAN: This is my lucky necklace for marriage. It’s boring.
KIRK: It’s made of dilithium. This necklace is the solution to all our problems as well as the answer to all our questions. I like this necklace.
NECKLACE: *is happy*
ELAAN: I sacrifice my possession for our survival. I have become a nice person within the last ten minutes.
KIRK: Spock, have Scotty redeem himself with these crystals while I go back to cuddling Sulu.
KLINGONS: Give up or die! *know only one sentence in English*
ENTERPRISE: *fails*
KIRK: Klingons! Let me introduce myself again. What do you want?
KLINGONS: Give up or die!
KIRK: This is getting old.
SCOTT: The impending destruction is no reason to hurry.
SPOCK: Being destroyed in battle without trying the new crystals is preferable over being destroyed because the crystals didn’t work.
KIRK: That defies all logic. I want to talk to the Klingons again.
KLINGONS: *are contacted*
KIRK: We’ll let you win if you spare my girlfriend.
KLINGON: Give up or die!
UHURA: Why are you even talking to him?
KIRK: Predicting what my opposite will say gives me a feeling of superiority.
SCOTT: We can has dilithium power nao. But maybe we can also has destruction.
KIRK: Scotty, come up here with Spock, since there is absolutely no reason for you to stay where you might just possibly be needed when we test this. Now, let me tell you all my brilliant plan.
SULU: That plan is brilliant.
CHEKOV: It was originally invented in Russia.
KLINGON VESSEL: *is still phallic*
CRUDE CRYSTALS: *fail*
SHIELDS THAT COULDN’T SURVIVE ANOTHER HIT THREE HITS AGO: *hold*
PLAN DEPENDING ON FAILING CRYSTALS: *works*
SPACESHIP SEX: *happens*
ENTERPRISE: *tops*
CHEKOV: They’re running away.
KIRK: Let them run. We go deliver our bride.
ELAAN: You’re no fun.
-
ENTERPRISE: *arrives* *is happy*
PLOT: *is happy too*
ELAAN: I’m beaming down to marry. I even got my necklace back, so I suppose you’ll have to walk home. As a memento, I will give you this knife I’m not allowed to keep anyway. Remember me.
KIRK: Until next episode. *is emo*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
MCCOY: I found the antidote. I win!
SPOCK: The captain got over it without you. You fail.
KIRK: I’m married to my ship! I love my ship more than anything else! And one day, I’m going to blow her up! *is happy*
MCCOY: … Is he singing a Leslie Fish song?
SPOCK: So it would seem.
MCCOY: Oh well. I can’t cure that. Whatever, I’m only in this episode because the writers remembered that my name is in the credits and they have to give me at least a couple of lines.
SPOCK: I agree.
RARE MOMENT: *occurs*
KIRK: Energize! No, wait. Anyway, let’s leave!
ENTERPRISES: *flies off into space*
(END CREDITS)
For
gentlest_sin who requested it.
TRAILER
NEXT VOYAGE: There is a woman on board, so KIRK has to have her. SPOCK and MCCOY do not approve, but are also not surprised, for it is KIRK and the woman is going to marry, presumably someone else.
GUARDS who are into S&M make the mistake of wearing red. KIRK’S girlfriend does not approve of her slippers, her food or her KIRK. SCOTTY doesn’t care because he is busy trying to figure out new, so far untried ways of announcing impending destruction and fails. And somewhere in space there is a KLINGON, firing at stuff. As they do.
ELAAN OF TROYIUS
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: On super secret mission to pick up guy from Troyius. Mission accomplished. Now on other, even more super secret mission to pick up chick from other planet in same system. I carefully hide my displeasure with this mission because it would be undiplomatic.
KIRK: I don’t like this mission. It sucks.
SCOTT: It’s stupid. They don’t need us. Let’s do something else.
SPOCK: KLINGONS!
SCOTT: This place is pretty boring, even for Klingons.
MCCOY: They’ll come for the plot.
KIRK: I come for diplomatic reasons and stuff.
VOICE OUT OF WALL: Captain, the diplomatic stuff is ready to beam in. They are pissed because they have to wait, since after one minute and six seconds, you are still in the bloody lift with all your officers.
KIRK: They confuse me. Kirk out.
SPOCK: These people are arrogant. I am We are much better.
MCCOY: Their most charming feature is that the women make you go crazy.
SPOCK: *eyebrows*
KIRK: *appreciates the women*
TURBO LIFT: *stops*
KIRK: Ambassador Petri, I make you responsible for the arrogance of the people from another planet. I are not amused.
PETRI: So what? The Biggest Evil Of All is about to beam aboard. We hate it. Therefore, we will be nice to it and do everything it says. Your amusement is secondary.
GUARDS: *are beamed aboard*
MCCOY: What the fuck? That’s not an enemy, that’s just a bunch of guys in silly costumes.
KIRK: Your pointless and uncalled for display of weapons does not even inspire Spock to lift an eyebrow.
GUARD #1: Because of the presence of the guy we were supposed to meet here, we will mistrust you and need to secure the area.
KIRK: The area is secure.
GUARD #1: We’ll take your word for that.
GUARDS: We shall kneel and show our worship to the transporter beam.
PETRI: Because I hate you and you hate me I’m going to do just everything you say.
ELAAN: *is beamed aboard*
SPOCK: *does not go crazy*
KIRK: *is undecided*
SPOCK & MCCOY: *are waiting for KIRK to go crazy*
KIRK: Let’s postpone this decision until later. For now, let’s kneel down because, well. Yeah.
KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY & SCOTT: *kneel*
SCOTT: This is no fun. I’d rather be somewhere else.
ELAAN: *stands on transporter platform*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
(OPENING CREDITS)
ELAAN: I am an alien from the future. You can tell from my freaky clothes and my funny hair.
MCCOY: I’m not impressed. Janice Rand had much funnier hair than you.
KIRK: Ignore him, your alienness. Janice Rand disappeared without a word two seasons ago and we just generally pretend she never existed.
GUARDS: You are now forbidden to speak unless permitted to even though this is your ship and you are doing us a favour by transporting us. Because, you see, since we look exactly like you, our race’s prime characteristic to set us apart from everyone else is arrogance. *is arrogant*
SPOCK: I have logic and ears. *is happy*
PETRI: *is green*
ELAAN: Spock should rule this vessel. He has better ears.
SPOCK: *agrees on the ears part*
ELAAN: I hate you all, but I grant you the incredible honour of being in my presence. You may proceed to be my obedient slaves.
KIRK: Okay. We’ll just let you insult us and do everything you say for no particular reason.
MCCOY: *thinks ELAAN is a bitch*
SPOCK & SCOTT: *think so too*
KIRK: Spock, I love you. Therefore I leave the honour of dealing with her to you.
SPOCK: *does not feel honoured*
KIRK & PETRI: *leave*
KIRK: We are standing in the privacy of the corridor while Spock is about to come out and show Elaan to her quarters. Please use this opportunity to tell me about the mission I’m on. Who is she, who are you, and are we here?
MISSION BRIEFING: *never happened*
PETRI: Our planets are on opposite ends of this solar system. But they are in the same solar system, therefore it is obvious that peaceful coexistence is impossible now we have both developed nuclear weapons.
TEMPTATION TO BLAST ARROGANT ALIENS OUT OF SPACE: *is considerable*
PETRI: Now we will take her home to my planet where she will marry our king, so we can all be a big, dysfunctional family. Really, Captain, I thought that much was evident form her complete lack of luggage. Oh, by the way, this is important for your Federation for some obscure reason, so the scale is epic and I must now go to her and lick the floor at her feet some more. Please travel slowly so we can all enjoy her some more.
KIRK: *is glad he’s not PETRI*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CHEKOV: I’m bored. Nothing happens.
KIRK: We go now. But slowly.
SULU: That’s slow!
CHEKOV: I can press buttons. I don’t care.
SCOTT: What the fuck? Are my engines not good enough for you anymore? *is insulted*
KIRK: Yeah, well, so what? It’s not like we have anything better to do.
SPOCK: Captain, the lady is dissatisfied, and now you must pacify her, for her demands are illogical and emotional and if I have to spend another minute in her presence I shall kill her and eat her brain. *misses MCCOY*
UHURA: That bitch is in my quarters. She’d better show some gratitude!
KIRK: Whatever. I will deal with her, for she is a woman and I am the Kirk.
-
ELAAN’S QUARTERS: *look completely different from when they were UHURA’S quarters*
ELAAN: You gifts fail. I shall have a fit over this.
PETRI: I am patient. I am patient. But in one second I will break your neck.
ELAAN: Your epic fail makes me want to die.
PETRI: *would like that very much*
KIRK: I see you are displeased.
ELAAN: Why did you let him in, idiots?
GUARD #1: You told us to.
ELAAN: This is making me throw things. These quarters suck.
KIRK: Uhura is nicer than you.
ELAAN: The fact that one of the people I am shortly going to share a planet with is on this ship is causing me to behave like I was of pre-school age.
PRE-SCHOOLS: *do not want her*
PETRI: I am pre-school teacher. I shall teach you how to behave. Everyone on my planet and yours agreed on this, and they generously left it to me to tell you on the way back.
ELLAN: I reject your courtesy. Guards, remove him and his garbage!
GUARD #1: I have knife!
KIRK: The weapons you keep pointlessly pointing at people do not get my attention at all.
PETRI: My fake smile is fake! *leaves with gifts*
ELAAN: I hate his people, and mine for making me live with his people. We share a solar system. Hatred is natural. Also, they’re green.
KIRK: Your temper does not impress me.
ELAAN: I demand you to rebuild this ship so it contains quarters of my liking.
QUARTERS OF HER LIKING: *do not exist in any possible reality*
KIRK: I am mocking you and your tendency to break things. Goodbye.
PETRI: *is outside* I fucking hate her. Let’s dump her out of an airlock.
RANDOM REDSHIRT: *is random* The captain and all the aliens yelling right beside me do not interest me enough to look their way.
KIRK: Do not despair! Show her how male and strong you are and she’ll give in to you. Works for me every time. Come, I’ll demonstrate it to you.
KIRK & PETRI: *off*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
MUSIC: *demands attention*
SPOCK: We have ghost! Is following us. In this area full of Klingons, I am unable to formulate a guess as to the nature of the thing following us.
KIRK: It might be a spaceship. I can guess, because I am more awesome than you.
SCOTT: *is on intercom* Please get these persons out of my engine room. They are scaring the engines.
KIRK: I shall do so! For no one on this ship is able to do anything without me.
-
ENGINES: *are scared*
SCOTT: I am looking down on your primitive technology.
ELAAN: I mock your profession.
SCOTT: *feels mocked*
ELAAN: Your engines do not interest us. Randomly, I want to know how you can fight in this thing.
KIRK: I are here to solve all your problems.
ELAAN: I grand you permission to be in my glorious presence. My graciousness makes me queen of this vessel. But I have stopped giving ridiculous orders about your speech time, even though I’m used to nothing else and everyone was following them.
KIRK: I am taking over the teaching job from Ambassador Petri, as obviously I am a better diplomat than he is. I shall proceed to teach you lessons in courtesy.
ELAAN: I shall proceed to ignore them. I am, however, not responding with a temper tantrum because I am slowly being convinced of the error in my ways by the power of your Awesome.
SPOCK: Come back to bridge, captain. The ghost is back and we need you to do the thinking.
-
SPOCK: The ghost is a ship.
KIRK: No shit, really?
SPOCK: It’s KLINGONS!
SULU: Oh, about time! Honestly, nothing has been happening here in forever.
ENTERPRISE: *is flying through space*
KLINGON VESSEL: *is following ENTERPRISE*
KLINGONS: O hai. Despite the fact that you are creeping through space at minimum speed we needed this long to catch up with you.
ENTERPRISE & KLINGON VESSEL: *are facing each other High Noon style*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SECURITY: Dramatic development must be contained. Please come back to quarters of annoying female lead who attempted murder because she cannot bear the thought of anything getting more attention than her, including an enemy warship about to strike.
KIRK: In that case she shall have all of my attention. Klingons, wait until I have time to be interested in you.
SPOCK: Why do I even bother getting out of this chair?
-
GUARDS: You shall not move on your ship without permission of her glory.
ELAAN: I murdered the green one. Remove his body from my presence.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
PETRI: I’m not dead.
MCCOY: You’re lucky Kirk found you. I would have declared you dead and beamed you into space.
PETRI: This is your fault, Kirk, because I know shit about diplomacy and took lessons from you.
MCCOY: You’re all stupid.
UHURA: I am also in this episode. I decoded an ultra-high-security message meant for you, Captain, and am now telling you about it in the middle of sickbay so you don’t have to read it. Federation High Commissioner is on his way here for the wedding, so there is more drama in this story.
DRAMA: *is increased*
FEDERATION HIGH COMMISIONER: *is never mentioned again*
CHAPEL: Ambassador, let me ask you a random question to get this plot going. Why is everyone so hot for the women of that planet if they are all so bitchy?
PETRI: They can bitch all they want, since once a man makes them cry the chemicals in their tears enslave him forever.
MCCOY: I, as a doctor, didn’t bother to do this much research on the people we are dealing with. But then, what do I know? I’m just standing around in the background anyway. Nevermind me.
KIRK: Let me tell everyone who hasn’t heard yet about the top secret message I just got.
MCCOY: The bride is a killer. This is fun.
PETRI: There will be no wedding. I decide in my rulers place that he will not marry her. By the way, I hate you.
KIRK: You fail at your job, keep doing it. By the way, Bones, when will he be able to?
MCCOY: Not yet.
PETRI: You do my job. You’re better at it anyway, and without your interference, this plot will go nowhere.
-
ELAAN: I mock my clothes and hair by eating like a barbarian. I resent that I’m not a murderess.
KIRK: Your manners fail in each and every way.
ELAAN: So what? I’m a racist primitive and my clothes sparkle. It was my right to stab him.
AIRLOCKS: *were invented for the spacing of ELAAN*
KIRK: Your people are warriors. You must have discipline, like me. I follow orders even if I don’t know what they are and what’s the point. Since you removed your old teacher, I will teach you about the rules and manners of his planet, despite having no clue what they are. I will therefore teach you ours and assume that they are basically all the same anyway.
ELAAN: I want to go home.
KIRK: Denied!
ELAAN: I do not wish to be married for political reasons to someone I hate.
KIRK: Though. In another setting I’d be on your side, but you kind of suck.
ELAAN: *slaps KIRK*
KIRK: *slaps ELAAN* You cannot slap people who tell you the truth.
ELAAN: I can slap people who insult the living daylight out of me. I can also attempt to murder them. *attempts to murder KIRK*
KIRK: I don’t care, you missed. I’ll be back tomorrow.
-
ENTERPRISE: *flies through space*
KLINGON VESSEL: *follows ENTERPRISE* *looks phallic*
KIRK: This ship has been following us forever. Do you think it’s time yet to ask them what they want?
UHURA: Might be. *asks KLINGONS*
-
GUARD #1: I’m sabotaging the ship. I know how to do that, because these people tell everyone everything they want to know about their engines.
-
UHURA: The Klingons aren’t talking to us.
KIRK: Well, I don’t wanna talk to them either.
-
REDSHIRT: Hey, stop sabotaging our ship, you alien who is much bigger and stronger than me and always carries a weapon!
GUARD #1: *kills him with bare hands*
ENTIRETY OF THE ACTION IN THIS EPISODE: *happens*
GUARD #1: I shall sneakily hide this dead body right in this regularly frequented doorway! *goes back to sabotaging*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
KLINGON VESSEL: *is coming from behind* *is still phallic*
-
GUARD #1: *is still sabotaging*
-
KIRK: Where is Guard #1?
GUARD #2: Busy. You shall not pass.
KIRK: Shall! I’ll even talk with your stupid expressions.
GUARD #2: Shall not, or I’ll be whipped to death.
KIRK: I lack sympathy for your impending death. *attempts to pass*
GUARDS: *are shot from behind*
SPOCK: I am obviously here because you knew she wouldn’t allow you and were scared of facing the guards on your own. Your plan, Captain, was flawless, but I don’t get it.
KIRK: That’s because you know nothing about women, as on your planet they make sense and therefore do not qualify as women. *goes inside to attack ELAAN in her bed*
ELAAN: *secretly likes this* You will be put to death because everywhere I go my planet’s laws apply.
KIRK: This is my ship. I am the law!
ELAAN: In that case, I will hide in the closet.
KIRK: You will either come out and let me spank you or I’ll have Spock and Bones come and do it.
MCCOY: Spock can do that alone. Stories like this keep me from complaining about my lack of screen time.
ELAAN: I prefer you. Spank me, Captain! It’s my kink!
KIRK: Come to think of it, I don’t wanna.
ELAAN: Come on, I just completely changed my mind. Teach me how to be liked.
KIRK: Sorry. You’re a lost cause.
ELAAN: Being hated by everyone kind of sucks.
KIRK: Stop crying. Give me a second to change my attitude again. * changes attitude* People don’t hate you.
PEOPLE: Yes, we do!
KIRK: Let me tenderly wipe the tears off your face because I totally didn’t listen to the explanation about the effect your chemicals have on men that was given by Petri while I was standing right beside him.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: *is resisting*
ELAAN: Captain.
KIRK: *stops resisting*
KIRK & ELAAN: Let’s share a kind of awkward kiss to dramatically cheesy music.
ELAAN: Now spank me!
KIRK: Yay!
-
SABOTAGE: *is complete*
GUARDS #1: *is transmitting*
-
UHURA: Captain, talk to me!
KIRK: Don’t want to. I’m horny.
UHURA: Captain, someone is raping your ship by transmitting to Klingons from engineering.
KIRK: Oh noes! Security, be alert!
ELAAN: Let’s cuddle! Sex made me a better person!
KIRK: What the fuck am I doing here?
-
SCOTT: The transmitter the evil guard used to transmit to the Klingons is Klingon.
KIRK: Bones, state the obvious!
MCCOY: The redshirt is dead.
KIRK: Thank you. Guard, explain.
GUARD #1: You can’t scare me, we’re better at torture than you are.
KIRK: You think! You have not considered the Spock! Spock, come to engineering to mind-rape this guy, in an act that is utterly detestable unless you are the one doing it.
GUARD #1: I’d rather steal a phaser and vaporize myself, as opposed to stealing phaser and simply killing everyone else in the room and escape. *vaporizes self*
MCCOY: Do you need me to say it?
KIRK: No. You can return to hibernation.
REDSHIRT: Sorry, Captain. Like every other security guard on this ship, I fail.
ENTERPRISE SECURITY: *has never done anything useful*
KIRK: Scotty, because it is obvious you cannot think of this yourself, I’m telling you that he must have come to engineering to sabotage the ship. Check it out.
SCOTT: That’s impossible.
KIRK: Sorry, did you say something? I need to go back to my girlfriend.
-
ELAAN: He loved me and sold us out to the Klingons to stop me marrying someone else. Nevermind that now. Let’s resume sex!
KIRK: Cannot. Ship is in danger. Also, duty and all. You belong to someone else, which in itself is enough to turn me on. *totally approves of slavery*
ELAAN: Forget it. I cried on you, you’re mine. I like you better than my future husband anyway because you’re not green. Let’s avoid my husband by wiping out his planet! Then you shall be king of this system.
KIRK: That sounds slightly evil. You are a racist bitch, but I’ll ignore that for the sake of copulation. Let’s make out!
KIRK & ELAAN: *make out*
DOOR BUZZER: Buzz! Buzz!
SPOCK: It is I, to stop you from sexing!
DOOR BUZZER: Buzz!
ELAAN: Go away, I’m doing the sexing now!
KIRK: As long as sexing is going to happen, I don’t care which of you is involved.
DOOR: *opens*
ELAAN: There is no reason why the presence of two males he sees every day should distract my Kirk from kissing the irresistible me. Especially since I used a date rape drug on him.
KIRK: *is distracted anyway*
MCCOY: I have not been scarce in this episode. I have all this time been hiding behind the furniture with Spock waiting for this to happen because it was completely, totally, utterly inevitable.
KIRK: You and Spock have been behind with furniture… watching us?
MCCOY: That too.
SPOCK: Jim, we need to talk.
MCCOY: You are in so much trouble!
KIRK: I’m leaving the room extra slowly so my new lover has a chance to save me from my angry boyfriends! *walks stiff legged*
ELAAN: *is not the only one who’s into spanking*
SAVING: *doesn’t happen*
MCCOY: She cried on you, right? Now you’re doomed. This love potion does never, ever, ever wear off.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK: We’ll have to go on without you then.
KIRK: No way! I’m the centre of this threesome! Bones, save me!
MCCOY: I would have told you why this was difficult if the intercom had let me finish my sentence. Now you’ll never know.
SULU: Captain, the plot is moving on! The Klingon ship is chasing it in our direction.
-
SPOCK: The captain is drugged out of his mind. That is, however, no reason for me or the doctor to relieve him of command.
KIRK: I am fascinated by my hand. Oh, right, Klingons. Let’s finally do what we should have done before our ship was sabotaged and run for it so we can come back and kick their ass. Warp two!
SCOTT: Matter, antimatter.
KIRK: Wait, what?
SCOTT: For dramatic effect I am speaking so quietly that my voice can barely be heard over the alarm as I warn you that the moment we go into warp drive we will blow up!
KIRK: Okay, let’s not then.
LAST SECOND: *had an appearance*
KLINGON VESSEL: *comes closer*
-
KLINGON VESSEL: *come closer*
SCOTT: It’s hopeless. We’re gonna blow.
KIRK: Mr. Sulu, do some piloting. Scotty, save the ship. And kick up impulse power. And do everything else there is to be done in engineering.
SCOTT: Obviously, I’m all alone here. But who cares?
ELAAN: *enters bridge*
KIRK: We really need to stop allowing everyone on the bridge who happens to want to be there. Especially if it’s the chick who drugged me and is distracting me from fighting for our lives.
SPOCK: If you want me to do something about this, you need to tell me. Without your orders I can’t even turn around.
KIRK: No need. Let’s get this battle on with the distracting female around. Or rather, let’s not.
KLINGON VESSEL: *does nothing*
SPOCK: The Klingons did nothing.
KIRK: They want to make us blow ourselves up and spare the effort.
SPOCK: It is logical. But there’s no point in their interest in this system.
KIRK: Bones was right - they must have come for the plot.
PLOT: *hides in fear*
SPOCK: Now that is taken care of, let’s get back to the topic of your current girlfriend.
KIRK: Let’s fight and break up over her. No, wait, let’s not. Girlfriend, I send you to sickbay under the pretence of wanting you protected.
ELAAN: I won’t go. Your friend will murder me with a hypo.
SPOCK: It’s either the hypo from the doctor or the airlock from me.
KIRK: I am emo over my inability to protect you in your presence. I will therefore accompany you everywhere you go and leave the conn to Spock. Again.
ELAAN: You should have fought them and married me.
KIRK: I’d rather run and have you marry someone else. Also, Scotty will call in a second and tell us we can’t fight nor run because we don’t have dilithium crystals anymore.
SCOTT: Captain, we can’t fight nor run because we don’t have dilithium crystams anymore.
ELAAN: I will now go to sickbay as you said because I love you and am your willing slave.
KIRK: Yeah, whatever.
-
MCCOY & CHAPEL: *are randomly testing every substance in the universe for antidode*
PETRI: *is still not dead* You’re wasting your time.
MCCOY: It’s my time to waste. I am confident in my ability to do what those people have tried and failed to do for centuries.
ELAAN: I come here for safety.
PETRI: No safety will be found here, as the doctor will confirm.
MCCOY: I’m just here to solve medical problems. If the ship blows up while I’m at it, that’s the captain’s problem.
-
SPOCK: The Klingons are demanding an immediate reply to their demands, else they’ll destroy us. We thought it appropriate to neither answer in your place nor disturb your moment with your current girlfriend.
SCOTT: We are now a garbage can.
SPOCK: Starfleet is useless.
-
PETRI: Please die wearing the necklace you were supposed to wear at your wedding which I was trying to cancel. I just happen to have it with me in sickbay. Also, stop being a selfish cow.
ELAAN: I give in. The Awesome of the Kirk has converted me.
-
KIRK: If we’re smart, maybe they’ll forget they received the “I successfully sabotaged this ship!” signal. Let’s communicate!
KLINGON: Give up or die!
SPOCK: At least he got straight to the point.
PLOT: *is jealous*
KIRK: We fail. Cue dramatic music.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SULU: Klingons want to fight.
KIRK: Scotty, can we fight?
SCOTT: No. Leave me the fuck alone.
ELAAN: The situation is critical. I must therefore get back to the bridge to distract the one in command.
KIRK: Don’t worry about me dying without you - we’re all on the same ship.
KLINGONS: *attack*
KIRK: I must feel up Sulu so he can absorb my Awesome and fight!
SCOTT: Did I mention we can’t?
KIRK: Sulu, it is your fault that the ship’s not fast enough without warp.
SPOCK: No need to worry. One more shot and we die. It is therefore time for the last second rescue to happen. Since Mr. Scott is useless this episode, I will scan the bridge to see if the solution happens to be here. Oh, look!
ELAAN: This is my lucky necklace for marriage. It’s boring.
KIRK: It’s made of dilithium. This necklace is the solution to all our problems as well as the answer to all our questions. I like this necklace.
NECKLACE: *is happy*
ELAAN: I sacrifice my possession for our survival. I have become a nice person within the last ten minutes.
KIRK: Spock, have Scotty redeem himself with these crystals while I go back to cuddling Sulu.
KLINGONS: Give up or die! *know only one sentence in English*
ENTERPRISE: *fails*
KIRK: Klingons! Let me introduce myself again. What do you want?
KLINGONS: Give up or die!
KIRK: This is getting old.
SCOTT: The impending destruction is no reason to hurry.
SPOCK: Being destroyed in battle without trying the new crystals is preferable over being destroyed because the crystals didn’t work.
KIRK: That defies all logic. I want to talk to the Klingons again.
KLINGONS: *are contacted*
KIRK: We’ll let you win if you spare my girlfriend.
KLINGON: Give up or die!
UHURA: Why are you even talking to him?
KIRK: Predicting what my opposite will say gives me a feeling of superiority.
SCOTT: We can has dilithium power nao. But maybe we can also has destruction.
KIRK: Scotty, come up here with Spock, since there is absolutely no reason for you to stay where you might just possibly be needed when we test this. Now, let me tell you all my brilliant plan.
SULU: That plan is brilliant.
CHEKOV: It was originally invented in Russia.
KLINGON VESSEL: *is still phallic*
CRUDE CRYSTALS: *fail*
SHIELDS THAT COULDN’T SURVIVE ANOTHER HIT THREE HITS AGO: *hold*
PLAN DEPENDING ON FAILING CRYSTALS: *works*
SPACESHIP SEX: *happens*
ENTERPRISE: *tops*
CHEKOV: They’re running away.
KIRK: Let them run. We go deliver our bride.
ELAAN: You’re no fun.
-
ENTERPRISE: *arrives* *is happy*
PLOT: *is happy too*
ELAAN: I’m beaming down to marry. I even got my necklace back, so I suppose you’ll have to walk home. As a memento, I will give you this knife I’m not allowed to keep anyway. Remember me.
KIRK: Until next episode. *is emo*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
MCCOY: I found the antidote. I win!
SPOCK: The captain got over it without you. You fail.
KIRK: I’m married to my ship! I love my ship more than anything else! And one day, I’m going to blow her up! *is happy*
MCCOY: … Is he singing a Leslie Fish song?
SPOCK: So it would seem.
MCCOY: Oh well. I can’t cure that. Whatever, I’m only in this episode because the writers remembered that my name is in the credits and they have to give me at least a couple of lines.
SPOCK: I agree.
RARE MOMENT: *occurs*
KIRK: Energize! No, wait. Anyway, let’s leave!
ENTERPRISES: *flies off into space*
(END CREDITS)