Star Trek TOS, Episode 61: Spock's Brain
TRAILER
NEXT EPISODE: MYSTERIOUS LADY IN VIOLET appears and everyone falls over in excitement. Then SPOCK’S brain goes bye-bye, causing KIRK to make funny faces, and DeForest Kelley would have deserved a fucking award for being able to say his lines with a straight face. MYSTERIOUS LADY wants the brain because she doesn’t have one herself and KIRK wants it back for the same reason. SPOCK is now on remote control and KIRK claims him as his property. SPOCK without a brain is still more useful than everyone else, which causes MCCOY to lose his mind and wear funny hats, but not in that order. SPOCK is now a zombie.
SPOCK’S BRAIN
LITTLE SHIP: *flies through space, going right*
ENTERPRISE: *flies through space, going left*
ALARM: *is red*
EVERYONE: *looks at little ship on screen*
SCOTT: *is present* The ship is in potential danger, so it is sensible for the chief engineer to be on the bridge.
KIRK: What is it?
SPOCK: It’s a spaceship.
UHURA: It’s not talking to us.
SULU: Let’s shoot them!
KIRK: That sounds like a good idea.
UHURA: I am trying to communicate in English. Failing that, I am trying to communicate in universal symbols.
UNIVERSAL SYMBOLS: *are not acknowledged by the rest of the universe*
SCOTT: That ship is sexy. I’d hump it if it was human. I might hump it anyway.
SPOCK: There is a humanoid life form inside. You might hump them instead.
SCOTT: Nah, they are for the captain. I’ll hump the ship.
COMPUTER: *beeps*
SPOCK: Humanoid life form is now beaming over and materializing right in front of us.
KIRK: I wish there was a way of telling these things before they become obvious.
HUMANOID LIFE FORM: *materializes right in front of them*
EVERYONE: *stares*
HUMANOID FEMALE: *smiles*
SPOCK AND FEMALE ALIEN: *eyesex*
KIRK: Pay attention to me! I am more important. I are captain!
FEMALE ALIEN: *smiles at REDSHIRTS running in* *plays with button to make everyone fall over*
PEOPLE ON BRIDGE: *fall over*
PEOPLE IN CORRIDOR: *fall over*
PEOPLE IN SICKBAY: *fall over*
FEMALE ALIEN: *smiles* *puts hand on SPOCK’S head*
HAND ON SPOCK’S HEAD: *is dramatic*
(OPENING CREDITS)
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
CHEKOV: *sleeps with face in SULU’S crotch*
EVERYONE: *wakes up* *goes back to work*
KIRK: Oh noes! Spock is gone!
MCCOY: *is on intercom* Please come down to sickbay for the biggest WTF moment of your life.
SCOTT: I want WTF moments too. I’m bored, because on a ship that has just been mysteriously shut down, there is nothing for an engineer to do. *leaves bridge with KIRK*
-
SPOCK: *has fishnet stockings on head* *is dead*
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM: *works*
SPOCK: *is less dead*
KIRK: What happened?
MCCOY: I cannot say this without feeling stupid.
KIRK: Come on! You promised a WTF moment.
MCCOY: Well. When we woke up, Spock was lying on the table, but he was worse than dead, because his brain is gone. Now he’s a little better than dead, but his brain is still gone. Oh, and did I mention that somebody stole his brain?
WTF MOMENT: *happens*
KIRK: What the fuck?
SCOTT: What the fuck?
CHAPEL: What the fuck?
KIRK: What the fuck? Wait, why isn’t he dead?
MCCOY: Because I’m a doctor, dammit! I’m prepared to deal with this sort of thing, because in this show shit like this happens every day, and Spock is no redshirt, so I am allowed to actually make an effort to revive him even after I declared him dead. Also, his brain was removed very neatly.
KIRK: Does this improve the situation?
MCCOY: Not much, unless you want to use him as a bed warmer.
KIRK: *considers this*
MCCOY: For the medically uneducated: Spock without brain is Spock without mind.
KIRK: *is shocked*
SCOTT: *is shocked*
CHAPEL: *is shocked*
KIRK: *is shocked*
KIRK’S NIPPLE: *is showing*
KIRK: Bones, it is obvious that the girl from the spaceship has taken Spock’s Brain.
MCCOY: Jim, I spend all day down here, how the fuck am I supposed to know what you are talking about?
KIRK: There was a girl. She was not interested in me, so she must have taken Spock’s Brain while we weren’t looking. I must get it back. I cannot function without it.
MCCOY: Spock can function without it, because he’s a Vulcan. Because he is a Vulcan, he cannot function without a brain forever even on life support, other than a human who is much less dependant on a brain to keep the body alive because our brains kind of fail in comparison.
SCOTT: … I don’t get it.
KIRK: If life support can’t keep him alive forever anyway, we’ll take him off life support and take him with us wherever we go so we won’t feel like he’s missing.
MCCOY: That is a stupid plan.
KIRK: We must restore his brain to his body the moment we find it.
MCCOY: Actually, that depends on when we find it, obviously.
KIRK: We must restore it when we find it. Drama demands it!
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM: *beeps* *is annoying*
MCCOY: In this galaxy, there is a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all of the universe, three million-million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, how that fuck are you intending to find one single brain?
KIRK: I can, because I am that awesome!
SCOTT: *is convinced*
MCCOY: Well, you’d better hurry, because I cannot tell how long until he dies, but in one day you won’t have to look for the brain anymore.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: We’d better start looking then.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: *is lying under table where nobody ever looks*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
SULU: We move at warp six!
STARS ON SCREEN: *do not move at warp six*
ENTERPRISE: *is in space* *does not move at warp six*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We are following the ion trail of the ship that presumably has Spock’s brain and have been doing so for more than 15 hours. To make sure we don’t catch up with it we are not actually going at warp six. I can calculate and will prove it to everyone. I also assume that Bones’s educated guess about Spock’s remaining lifetime, based on being completely unable to tell how much longer he will live, is exact to the minute.
ION TRAIL: *is gone*
SULU: The trail is gone.
UHURA: No one is randomly talking to us.
SULU: The trail is still gone.
KIRK: The ship is gone, therefore it must be in the nearest star system. Chekov, give us a lecture!
CHEKOV: *gives lecture* There are three class M planets, and we can rule them all out.
KIRK: Chekov, you’re useless.
UHURA: There is inexplicable regular energy on the primitive glacier world.
CHEKOV: I know. But I thought I’d better not mention it, because it is inexplicable.
KIRK: We have eight hours left. Let’s take time to discuss this, so I can ignore your opinions afterwards, because they are all invalid and stupid.
CHEKOV: I say planet three.
SULU: I say planet four.
UHURA: I say, what do they want with Spock’s Brain anyway?
KIRK: It is a good question. I have not thought of it before. We will go to planet six to find out, because I feel like risking Spock’s life on a hunch.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: *is emo*
-
ENTERPRISE: *enters orbit*
LANDING PARTY: *beams down*
KIRK: Scotty, I will call you Spock, so I don’t feel lonely.
SCOTT: Whatever, I don’t care.
PRIMITIVES: *gather to attack*
CHEKOV: Nothing is going on here, but I like the cold. It was invented in Russia.
SCOTT: There’s someone out there.
KIRK: Okay, let’s phaser them on sight!
PHASERS: *sound like ball pens*
PRIMITIVES: *are wearing manufactured shirts*
LANDING PARTY: *stands behind rocks*
REDSHIRT #1: We might be better protected if we actually crouched down and took cover.
CHEKOV: I don’t care, I’m short.
PRIMITIVES: *attack*
LANDING PARTY: *gets pwned by sticks and stones*
PRIMITIVES: Arr! Arr!
KIRK: Oh, right! I have a phaser! *uses phaser*
PRIMITIVE #1: *is shot* *is left behind by other primitives*
KIRK: We are your friends! We will not hurt you!
PRIMITIVE #1: You already did, smartass! But I’ll forgive you if you don’t have tits.
KIRK: We are men like you.
PRIMITIVE #1: No, you are not. You are small. Therefore you must be women. It are fact.
KIRK: You are stupid. Why are you scared of women?
PRIMITIVE #1: They are into S& M. This scares us, because we do not know what sex is.
KIRK: *is interested*
PRIMITIVE #1: Wait and they’ll come for you.
CHEKOV: They don’t need them to. We found their buried city, because of our portable tvs!
PRIMITIVE #1: You are idiots. *runs off*
CHEKOV: What is he scared of?
KIRK: I will show you when you are older.
SCOTT: Captain, I found a cave with food and stuff!
CAVE: *is a trap*
TRAP: *is obvious*
KIRK: Enterprise, beam down Spock and Bones so they can walk into the trap with me.
SPOCK & MCCOY: *beam down*
KIRK, SCOTT & CHEKOV: *stare*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK: *is on remote control*
MCCOY: I have remote!
REMOTE CONTROL: *ticks*
MUSIC: *is still dramatic*
KIRK: Uh, okay. What the fuck?
SPOCK: *ticks*
TRAP: *is walked into*
ELEVATOR: *goes down*
MCCOY: My stomach remains on Russian territory.
CHEKOV: Let’s phaser this stone and toast McCoy’s stomach!
SCOTT: There’s ion power on this planet.
KIRK: Predictably, my hunch was correct.
SPOCK: I can’t brain today. I have the dumb.
CAMERA: *wobbles*
KIRK: We’re slowing down.
CAMERA: *wobbles less*
GIRL: Hi. I was standing randomly behind this door.
KIRK: We were looking for women. I am shocked and surprised we found one.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: Stand still while I shoot you!
GIRL: *stands still*
KIRK: *shoots her* Oh noes, I shot a girl! *is emo*
MCCOY: She’s not dead Jim!
KIRK: Where is Spock’s Brain?
GIRL: I know not! You are not Morg nor Eymorg. I have no brain.
MCCOY: I could have told you that.
KIRK: *manhandles GIRL* You lie!
MCCOY: She doesn’t. I know, because of my learnings.
KIRK: Okay, then. We won’t hurt you. We’re friends.
MCCOY: That gets harder to believe every time you say it.
KIRK: I have many questions.
GIRL: My vocabulary is limited. Goodbye.
KIRK & MCCOY: *stop her*
SPOCK’S BRAIN: O hai. I’m in your communicator, using your signal.
KIRK: Yay! Found you!
MCCOY: No, we didn’t. We only found his voice in your communicator, which doesn’t make any sense because brains don’t have voices and all that shit.
SPOCK: *blinks*
SPOCK’S BRAIN: I can identify your voices. They make me horny.
MCCOY: I’m always with Jim.
SCOTT: Nevermind your sexlife. Where are you?
SPOCK’S BRAIN: No clue. I have no eyes.
KIRK: We’ll save you! *storms off*
MCCOY: *storms along*
SCOTT: *has remote*
SPOCK: *ticks*
FEMALE ALIEN: Here I am!
KIRK: You stole Spock’s Brain! Give it back! I need it more badly!
FEMALE ALIEN: Do not want. *pushes button to make them fall over*
KIRK, MCCOY & SCOTT: *fall over*
SPOCK: *is unimpressed*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
KIRK: Despite having been warned to come here because we’d be captured, we came here and got captured. Evil women are forcing us to wear stupid belts that can never be taken off. Obviously, their other prisoners never change clothes. I will now wake up to stare shocked at the girl that stole Spock’s Brain. *wakes up* *stares in shock*
FEMALE ALIEN: Who the fuck are you?
KIRK: This belt makes me look fat.
FEMALE ALIEN: If you don’t like it, why are you here?
KIRK: I have a one track mind. Give back Spock’s Brain!
FEMALE ALIEN: We know no Spock.
KIRK: This is Spock!
SPOCK: *is brainless*
FEMALE ALIEN: I never saw you guys before.
KIRK: Did too!
FEMALE ALIEN: Did not!
KIRK: Did too!
MCCOY: This conversation goes nowhere. If she had tried to get Spock’s Brain, it would have ended up in pieces in the air vent.
FEMALE ALIEN: You are brutal and randomly hurt everyone you run into. We don’t want you. Go home.
MCCOY: *thinks this is a good idea*
KIRK: Don’t want to. Let’s stay and be friends, and teach each other stuff.
MCCOY: Starting with basic vocabulary.
SCOTT: This is an appropriate moment to get philosophical.
KIRK: Take me to your leader!
FEMALE ALIEN: We have no leader.
KIRK, MCCOY& SCOTT: Our professions are sadly underrepresented.
FEMALE ALIEN: We have controller. We no have brains.
MCCOY: You just mastered the fine art of stating the obvious.
KIRK: I figured everything out! Spock’s Brain is Controller. Let me worship him! *kneels* *worships*
MCCOY & SCOTT: What the fuck?
KIRK: Great leader, come home to us before your body goes cold and becomes useless!
FEMALE ALIEN: Your suck. Fall over!
MCCOY &SCOTT: *fall over*
KIRK: *falls over with vigor*
SPOCK: *is useless*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SULU: *has conn* I miss Chekov!
KIRK: These belts fail. They fucking hurt.
SCOTT: That appears to be the point.
MCCOY: Let’s not do that again.
KIRK: I will try to get the communicators that have been left lying right in front of us.
MORG SLAVE: Denied!
MCCOY: Theses girls’ prettiness doesn’t make up for this. The populations should have died out long ago.
SURVIVAL OF POPULATION: *is never explained*
KIRK: I will try again to get the communicators that are lying right in front of us.
MORG SLAVE: Denied!
KIRK: These poor, tortured, enslaved men are working against us. Let’s beat them up!
FIGHT: *happens*
MCCOY & SCOTT: *fail*
SPOCK: *is useless*
KIRK: *pwns everyone* I am the hero! Therefore I am the only one who is allowed to emerge victorious from a fight. It’s glorious to be me!
MCCOY: Whatever. You knock them out, I make sure they stay knocked out with my awesome hypo.
KIRK: I will try to contact Spock’s Brain.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: I didn’t go anywhere. Please stop looking at that brainless body while talking to me.
KIRK: But it’s nice to look at, although the hat is silly.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: My body is endless!
SCOTT: Uh, no. It’s not.
MCCOY: You are a disembodied brain.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: Fascinating. That makes sense.
KIRK: Spock, do not ruin our reunion by medically flirting with Bones. We brought your body along so we can put your brain back inside, which appears to be not as obvious as I thought it was.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: Your actions do not make sense. You fail. I will express the illogic of your actions by pointlessly insulting Dr. McCoy.
MCCOY: *is insulted*
SPOCK’S BRAIN: The skill to restore me does not exist. 5 hours 48 minutes is too little time to develop it. Discuss.
KIRK: It is impossible to accomplish this. Therefore it is vital we find you soon.
DIALOGUE: *makes no sense*
SCOTT: We can now find you with the communicator signal, which for some reason we could not do before, when time was less pressing.
SPOCK: *ticks*
MCCOY: *has remote* *secretly likes this*
KIRK: By the way, do you happen to know how to get rid off our ugly belts?
SPOCK’S BRAIN: I happen to know that, but my words are useless.
KIRK: We’ll do it anyway.
FEMALE ALIEN: *is with SPOCK’S BRAIN* I shall knock you out!
KIRK: Haha! You did not anticipate the power of my Awesome. I can control Spock’s brainless body well enough to take the pain controller from you with a remote I have never used before or even looked at, while I am writhing in agony on the floor.
SPOCK: *ticks*
FEMALE ALIEN: I yield to the power of your Awesome.
KIRK: This is a kink of mine.
FEMALE ALIEN: Don’t take our controller, he is awesome!
SPOCK’S BRAIN: *is flattered*
KIRK: Our Spock is more important than your civilisation. We will therefore take the brain that keeps you all alive.
MCCOY: These people steal brains, so they have forgotten how to use their own.
FEMALE ALIENS: Teacher gives us temporary knowledge if we need it. It seems a good plan to keep you from taking the controller by explaining to you how to do it.
KIRK: I will not hurt you. But I will manhandle you and put you into this brain scrambling machine.
COMPUTER: *looks exactly like computer on Enterprise*
FEMALE ALIEN: *is smart* I now know how to use your phaser.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
MCCOY: Great, Jim. You have given her the power to outbrain us.
KIRK: The most important part of Spock is his body.
FEMALE ALIEN: If the controller stays, your friend dies. If the controller is taken, my people die. Discuss.
KIRK: You cannot kill Spock because no one is allowed to kill anyone, except it is through taking away the means of their survival.
SCOTT: Arg! *faints in a sneaky way*
KIRK: I now have my weapon back.
FEMALE ALIEN: I don’t care. You just told me you can’t kill anyone.
MCCOY: Never mind, I’ll do it. Their brains are different, but because I am a doctor it will work on me anyway.
SPOCK: You might go mad and die.
MCCOY: If I don’t, you will die.
SPOCK: Jim, don’t let him!
MCCOY: Jim, let me!
KIRK: Why is it always up to me to decide which of you to sacrifice?
SPOCK: And why does the doctor have a habit of getting his more suicidal wishes fulfilled? This is illogical. Also, I like being a computer. *is secretly emo*
MCCOY: Give me the brain toaster! Ouch, this hurts.
KIRK: I’ll get emo, just in case you die.
MCCOY: We are all stupid. This is easy.
-
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We stuck Spock’s head into a wall and are now standing around uselessly while Bones tries to reconnect millions of nerves to a superior Vulcan brain in three hours, before he forgets how to do it. Using the teacher twice would kill a human, which we can only possibly know by having tried.
SCOTT: This is warp six medicine!
WARP SIX: *fails*
FEMALE ALIEN: We are now without protection on a glacial planet and no idea how to survive because we haven’t been thinking for 10000 years and the male population on the surface doesn’t like us because we used to enslave them.
KIRK: We did you a favour.
MCCOY: Could you please shut up and let me concentrate?
KIRK: You can have sex now.
MCCOY: *fails* This was a stupid idea to begin with.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Three hours weren’t enough to connect several million nerves and without technologically enhanced skills, Bones kind of fails. Because I am the only one allowed to have crucial ideas, I told him to connect Spock’s vocal cords, although they are not part of the brain. Like this, Spock can help him, because obviously he is a better doctor than McCoy.
SPOCK: The word you were looking for was speech centre. I can tell you this, although it is not yet connected.
MCCOY: I needed you to tell me this, because Jim’s words made no sense and I can’t think of anything on my own.
SPEECH CENTRE: *is reconnected in ten seconds*
SPOCK: Now the awesome power of my brain is back where it belongs, I can proceed to tell the doctor which tools to use, despite the fact that he is still holding them in his hands from having used them nonstop for three hours.
MCCOY: I can tell which nerve controls which part of your body by looking at it, despite never having had to deal with a Vulcan brain before.
SPOCK: I am patronizing in my superior medical knowledge. The only reason I’m not the most badass doctor in Starfleet is because the job lacks screen time.
MCCOY: I give up. This episode makes me look stupid. Next time someone steals your brain, they can keep it.
KIRK & SCOTT: *are bored*
SPOCK: I am now fixed, thanks to me. I emerge from this operation with my hair in perfect order and not a single mark on my head. Now that I can once again speak freely, let me use this awesome ability to tell you everything you never wanted to know about this planet.
MCCOY: I should have forgotten to connect your mouth. It would have had the additional advance of you being unable to tell me what to do to save your life.
SCOTT: Lol.
SPOCK: I am happy, despite my silly clothes.
-
ENTERPRISE: *leaves orbit to leave clueless aliens to fend for themselves*
(END CREDITS)
NEXT EPISODE: MYSTERIOUS LADY IN VIOLET appears and everyone falls over in excitement. Then SPOCK’S brain goes bye-bye, causing KIRK to make funny faces, and DeForest Kelley would have deserved a fucking award for being able to say his lines with a straight face. MYSTERIOUS LADY wants the brain because she doesn’t have one herself and KIRK wants it back for the same reason. SPOCK is now on remote control and KIRK claims him as his property. SPOCK without a brain is still more useful than everyone else, which causes MCCOY to lose his mind and wear funny hats, but not in that order. SPOCK is now a zombie.
SPOCK’S BRAIN
LITTLE SHIP: *flies through space, going right*
ENTERPRISE: *flies through space, going left*
ALARM: *is red*
EVERYONE: *looks at little ship on screen*
SCOTT: *is present* The ship is in potential danger, so it is sensible for the chief engineer to be on the bridge.
KIRK: What is it?
SPOCK: It’s a spaceship.
UHURA: It’s not talking to us.
SULU: Let’s shoot them!
KIRK: That sounds like a good idea.
UHURA: I am trying to communicate in English. Failing that, I am trying to communicate in universal symbols.
UNIVERSAL SYMBOLS: *are not acknowledged by the rest of the universe*
SCOTT: That ship is sexy. I’d hump it if it was human. I might hump it anyway.
SPOCK: There is a humanoid life form inside. You might hump them instead.
SCOTT: Nah, they are for the captain. I’ll hump the ship.
COMPUTER: *beeps*
SPOCK: Humanoid life form is now beaming over and materializing right in front of us.
KIRK: I wish there was a way of telling these things before they become obvious.
HUMANOID LIFE FORM: *materializes right in front of them*
EVERYONE: *stares*
HUMANOID FEMALE: *smiles*
SPOCK AND FEMALE ALIEN: *eyesex*
KIRK: Pay attention to me! I am more important. I are captain!
FEMALE ALIEN: *smiles at REDSHIRTS running in* *plays with button to make everyone fall over*
PEOPLE ON BRIDGE: *fall over*
PEOPLE IN CORRIDOR: *fall over*
PEOPLE IN SICKBAY: *fall over*
FEMALE ALIEN: *smiles* *puts hand on SPOCK’S head*
HAND ON SPOCK’S HEAD: *is dramatic*
(OPENING CREDITS)
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
CHEKOV: *sleeps with face in SULU’S crotch*
EVERYONE: *wakes up* *goes back to work*
KIRK: Oh noes! Spock is gone!
MCCOY: *is on intercom* Please come down to sickbay for the biggest WTF moment of your life.
SCOTT: I want WTF moments too. I’m bored, because on a ship that has just been mysteriously shut down, there is nothing for an engineer to do. *leaves bridge with KIRK*
-
SPOCK: *has fishnet stockings on head* *is dead*
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM: *works*
SPOCK: *is less dead*
KIRK: What happened?
MCCOY: I cannot say this without feeling stupid.
KIRK: Come on! You promised a WTF moment.
MCCOY: Well. When we woke up, Spock was lying on the table, but he was worse than dead, because his brain is gone. Now he’s a little better than dead, but his brain is still gone. Oh, and did I mention that somebody stole his brain?
WTF MOMENT: *happens*
KIRK: What the fuck?
SCOTT: What the fuck?
CHAPEL: What the fuck?
KIRK: What the fuck? Wait, why isn’t he dead?
MCCOY: Because I’m a doctor, dammit! I’m prepared to deal with this sort of thing, because in this show shit like this happens every day, and Spock is no redshirt, so I am allowed to actually make an effort to revive him even after I declared him dead. Also, his brain was removed very neatly.
KIRK: Does this improve the situation?
MCCOY: Not much, unless you want to use him as a bed warmer.
KIRK: *considers this*
MCCOY: For the medically uneducated: Spock without brain is Spock without mind.
KIRK: *is shocked*
SCOTT: *is shocked*
CHAPEL: *is shocked*
KIRK: *is shocked*
KIRK’S NIPPLE: *is showing*
KIRK: Bones, it is obvious that the girl from the spaceship has taken Spock’s Brain.
MCCOY: Jim, I spend all day down here, how the fuck am I supposed to know what you are talking about?
KIRK: There was a girl. She was not interested in me, so she must have taken Spock’s Brain while we weren’t looking. I must get it back. I cannot function without it.
MCCOY: Spock can function without it, because he’s a Vulcan. Because he is a Vulcan, he cannot function without a brain forever even on life support, other than a human who is much less dependant on a brain to keep the body alive because our brains kind of fail in comparison.
SCOTT: … I don’t get it.
KIRK: If life support can’t keep him alive forever anyway, we’ll take him off life support and take him with us wherever we go so we won’t feel like he’s missing.
MCCOY: That is a stupid plan.
KIRK: We must restore his brain to his body the moment we find it.
MCCOY: Actually, that depends on when we find it, obviously.
KIRK: We must restore it when we find it. Drama demands it!
LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM: *beeps* *is annoying*
MCCOY: In this galaxy, there is a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all of the universe, three million-million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, how that fuck are you intending to find one single brain?
KIRK: I can, because I am that awesome!
SCOTT: *is convinced*
MCCOY: Well, you’d better hurry, because I cannot tell how long until he dies, but in one day you won’t have to look for the brain anymore.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: We’d better start looking then.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: *is lying under table where nobody ever looks*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
SULU: We move at warp six!
STARS ON SCREEN: *do not move at warp six*
ENTERPRISE: *is in space* *does not move at warp six*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We are following the ion trail of the ship that presumably has Spock’s brain and have been doing so for more than 15 hours. To make sure we don’t catch up with it we are not actually going at warp six. I can calculate and will prove it to everyone. I also assume that Bones’s educated guess about Spock’s remaining lifetime, based on being completely unable to tell how much longer he will live, is exact to the minute.
ION TRAIL: *is gone*
SULU: The trail is gone.
UHURA: No one is randomly talking to us.
SULU: The trail is still gone.
KIRK: The ship is gone, therefore it must be in the nearest star system. Chekov, give us a lecture!
CHEKOV: *gives lecture* There are three class M planets, and we can rule them all out.
KIRK: Chekov, you’re useless.
UHURA: There is inexplicable regular energy on the primitive glacier world.
CHEKOV: I know. But I thought I’d better not mention it, because it is inexplicable.
KIRK: We have eight hours left. Let’s take time to discuss this, so I can ignore your opinions afterwards, because they are all invalid and stupid.
CHEKOV: I say planet three.
SULU: I say planet four.
UHURA: I say, what do they want with Spock’s Brain anyway?
KIRK: It is a good question. I have not thought of it before. We will go to planet six to find out, because I feel like risking Spock’s life on a hunch.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: *is emo*
-
ENTERPRISE: *enters orbit*
LANDING PARTY: *beams down*
KIRK: Scotty, I will call you Spock, so I don’t feel lonely.
SCOTT: Whatever, I don’t care.
PRIMITIVES: *gather to attack*
CHEKOV: Nothing is going on here, but I like the cold. It was invented in Russia.
SCOTT: There’s someone out there.
KIRK: Okay, let’s phaser them on sight!
PHASERS: *sound like ball pens*
PRIMITIVES: *are wearing manufactured shirts*
LANDING PARTY: *stands behind rocks*
REDSHIRT #1: We might be better protected if we actually crouched down and took cover.
CHEKOV: I don’t care, I’m short.
PRIMITIVES: *attack*
LANDING PARTY: *gets pwned by sticks and stones*
PRIMITIVES: Arr! Arr!
KIRK: Oh, right! I have a phaser! *uses phaser*
PRIMITIVE #1: *is shot* *is left behind by other primitives*
KIRK: We are your friends! We will not hurt you!
PRIMITIVE #1: You already did, smartass! But I’ll forgive you if you don’t have tits.
KIRK: We are men like you.
PRIMITIVE #1: No, you are not. You are small. Therefore you must be women. It are fact.
KIRK: You are stupid. Why are you scared of women?
PRIMITIVE #1: They are into S& M. This scares us, because we do not know what sex is.
KIRK: *is interested*
PRIMITIVE #1: Wait and they’ll come for you.
CHEKOV: They don’t need them to. We found their buried city, because of our portable tvs!
PRIMITIVE #1: You are idiots. *runs off*
CHEKOV: What is he scared of?
KIRK: I will show you when you are older.
SCOTT: Captain, I found a cave with food and stuff!
CAVE: *is a trap*
TRAP: *is obvious*
KIRK: Enterprise, beam down Spock and Bones so they can walk into the trap with me.
SPOCK & MCCOY: *beam down*
KIRK, SCOTT & CHEKOV: *stare*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK: *is on remote control*
MCCOY: I have remote!
REMOTE CONTROL: *ticks*
MUSIC: *is still dramatic*
KIRK: Uh, okay. What the fuck?
SPOCK: *ticks*
TRAP: *is walked into*
ELEVATOR: *goes down*
MCCOY: My stomach remains on Russian territory.
CHEKOV: Let’s phaser this stone and toast McCoy’s stomach!
SCOTT: There’s ion power on this planet.
KIRK: Predictably, my hunch was correct.
SPOCK: I can’t brain today. I have the dumb.
CAMERA: *wobbles*
KIRK: We’re slowing down.
CAMERA: *wobbles less*
GIRL: Hi. I was standing randomly behind this door.
KIRK: We were looking for women. I am shocked and surprised we found one.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: Stand still while I shoot you!
GIRL: *stands still*
KIRK: *shoots her* Oh noes, I shot a girl! *is emo*
MCCOY: She’s not dead Jim!
KIRK: Where is Spock’s Brain?
GIRL: I know not! You are not Morg nor Eymorg. I have no brain.
MCCOY: I could have told you that.
KIRK: *manhandles GIRL* You lie!
MCCOY: She doesn’t. I know, because of my learnings.
KIRK: Okay, then. We won’t hurt you. We’re friends.
MCCOY: That gets harder to believe every time you say it.
KIRK: I have many questions.
GIRL: My vocabulary is limited. Goodbye.
KIRK & MCCOY: *stop her*
SPOCK’S BRAIN: O hai. I’m in your communicator, using your signal.
KIRK: Yay! Found you!
MCCOY: No, we didn’t. We only found his voice in your communicator, which doesn’t make any sense because brains don’t have voices and all that shit.
SPOCK: *blinks*
SPOCK’S BRAIN: I can identify your voices. They make me horny.
MCCOY: I’m always with Jim.
SCOTT: Nevermind your sexlife. Where are you?
SPOCK’S BRAIN: No clue. I have no eyes.
KIRK: We’ll save you! *storms off*
MCCOY: *storms along*
SCOTT: *has remote*
SPOCK: *ticks*
FEMALE ALIEN: Here I am!
KIRK: You stole Spock’s Brain! Give it back! I need it more badly!
FEMALE ALIEN: Do not want. *pushes button to make them fall over*
KIRK, MCCOY & SCOTT: *fall over*
SPOCK: *is unimpressed*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
KIRK: Despite having been warned to come here because we’d be captured, we came here and got captured. Evil women are forcing us to wear stupid belts that can never be taken off. Obviously, their other prisoners never change clothes. I will now wake up to stare shocked at the girl that stole Spock’s Brain. *wakes up* *stares in shock*
FEMALE ALIEN: Who the fuck are you?
KIRK: This belt makes me look fat.
FEMALE ALIEN: If you don’t like it, why are you here?
KIRK: I have a one track mind. Give back Spock’s Brain!
FEMALE ALIEN: We know no Spock.
KIRK: This is Spock!
SPOCK: *is brainless*
FEMALE ALIEN: I never saw you guys before.
KIRK: Did too!
FEMALE ALIEN: Did not!
KIRK: Did too!
MCCOY: This conversation goes nowhere. If she had tried to get Spock’s Brain, it would have ended up in pieces in the air vent.
FEMALE ALIEN: You are brutal and randomly hurt everyone you run into. We don’t want you. Go home.
MCCOY: *thinks this is a good idea*
KIRK: Don’t want to. Let’s stay and be friends, and teach each other stuff.
MCCOY: Starting with basic vocabulary.
SCOTT: This is an appropriate moment to get philosophical.
KIRK: Take me to your leader!
FEMALE ALIEN: We have no leader.
KIRK, MCCOY& SCOTT: Our professions are sadly underrepresented.
FEMALE ALIEN: We have controller. We no have brains.
MCCOY: You just mastered the fine art of stating the obvious.
KIRK: I figured everything out! Spock’s Brain is Controller. Let me worship him! *kneels* *worships*
MCCOY & SCOTT: What the fuck?
KIRK: Great leader, come home to us before your body goes cold and becomes useless!
FEMALE ALIEN: Your suck. Fall over!
MCCOY &SCOTT: *fall over*
KIRK: *falls over with vigor*
SPOCK: *is useless*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SULU: *has conn* I miss Chekov!
KIRK: These belts fail. They fucking hurt.
SCOTT: That appears to be the point.
MCCOY: Let’s not do that again.
KIRK: I will try to get the communicators that have been left lying right in front of us.
MORG SLAVE: Denied!
MCCOY: Theses girls’ prettiness doesn’t make up for this. The populations should have died out long ago.
SURVIVAL OF POPULATION: *is never explained*
KIRK: I will try again to get the communicators that are lying right in front of us.
MORG SLAVE: Denied!
KIRK: These poor, tortured, enslaved men are working against us. Let’s beat them up!
FIGHT: *happens*
MCCOY & SCOTT: *fail*
SPOCK: *is useless*
KIRK: *pwns everyone* I am the hero! Therefore I am the only one who is allowed to emerge victorious from a fight. It’s glorious to be me!
MCCOY: Whatever. You knock them out, I make sure they stay knocked out with my awesome hypo.
KIRK: I will try to contact Spock’s Brain.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: I didn’t go anywhere. Please stop looking at that brainless body while talking to me.
KIRK: But it’s nice to look at, although the hat is silly.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: My body is endless!
SCOTT: Uh, no. It’s not.
MCCOY: You are a disembodied brain.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: Fascinating. That makes sense.
KIRK: Spock, do not ruin our reunion by medically flirting with Bones. We brought your body along so we can put your brain back inside, which appears to be not as obvious as I thought it was.
SPOCK’S BRAIN: Your actions do not make sense. You fail. I will express the illogic of your actions by pointlessly insulting Dr. McCoy.
MCCOY: *is insulted*
SPOCK’S BRAIN: The skill to restore me does not exist. 5 hours 48 minutes is too little time to develop it. Discuss.
KIRK: It is impossible to accomplish this. Therefore it is vital we find you soon.
DIALOGUE: *makes no sense*
SCOTT: We can now find you with the communicator signal, which for some reason we could not do before, when time was less pressing.
SPOCK: *ticks*
MCCOY: *has remote* *secretly likes this*
KIRK: By the way, do you happen to know how to get rid off our ugly belts?
SPOCK’S BRAIN: I happen to know that, but my words are useless.
KIRK: We’ll do it anyway.
FEMALE ALIEN: *is with SPOCK’S BRAIN* I shall knock you out!
KIRK: Haha! You did not anticipate the power of my Awesome. I can control Spock’s brainless body well enough to take the pain controller from you with a remote I have never used before or even looked at, while I am writhing in agony on the floor.
SPOCK: *ticks*
FEMALE ALIEN: I yield to the power of your Awesome.
KIRK: This is a kink of mine.
FEMALE ALIEN: Don’t take our controller, he is awesome!
SPOCK’S BRAIN: *is flattered*
KIRK: Our Spock is more important than your civilisation. We will therefore take the brain that keeps you all alive.
MCCOY: These people steal brains, so they have forgotten how to use their own.
FEMALE ALIENS: Teacher gives us temporary knowledge if we need it. It seems a good plan to keep you from taking the controller by explaining to you how to do it.
KIRK: I will not hurt you. But I will manhandle you and put you into this brain scrambling machine.
COMPUTER: *looks exactly like computer on Enterprise*
FEMALE ALIEN: *is smart* I now know how to use your phaser.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
MCCOY: Great, Jim. You have given her the power to outbrain us.
KIRK: The most important part of Spock is his body.
FEMALE ALIEN: If the controller stays, your friend dies. If the controller is taken, my people die. Discuss.
KIRK: You cannot kill Spock because no one is allowed to kill anyone, except it is through taking away the means of their survival.
SCOTT: Arg! *faints in a sneaky way*
KIRK: I now have my weapon back.
FEMALE ALIEN: I don’t care. You just told me you can’t kill anyone.
MCCOY: Never mind, I’ll do it. Their brains are different, but because I am a doctor it will work on me anyway.
SPOCK: You might go mad and die.
MCCOY: If I don’t, you will die.
SPOCK: Jim, don’t let him!
MCCOY: Jim, let me!
KIRK: Why is it always up to me to decide which of you to sacrifice?
SPOCK: And why does the doctor have a habit of getting his more suicidal wishes fulfilled? This is illogical. Also, I like being a computer. *is secretly emo*
MCCOY: Give me the brain toaster! Ouch, this hurts.
KIRK: I’ll get emo, just in case you die.
MCCOY: We are all stupid. This is easy.
-
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We stuck Spock’s head into a wall and are now standing around uselessly while Bones tries to reconnect millions of nerves to a superior Vulcan brain in three hours, before he forgets how to do it. Using the teacher twice would kill a human, which we can only possibly know by having tried.
SCOTT: This is warp six medicine!
WARP SIX: *fails*
FEMALE ALIEN: We are now without protection on a glacial planet and no idea how to survive because we haven’t been thinking for 10000 years and the male population on the surface doesn’t like us because we used to enslave them.
KIRK: We did you a favour.
MCCOY: Could you please shut up and let me concentrate?
KIRK: You can have sex now.
MCCOY: *fails* This was a stupid idea to begin with.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Three hours weren’t enough to connect several million nerves and without technologically enhanced skills, Bones kind of fails. Because I am the only one allowed to have crucial ideas, I told him to connect Spock’s vocal cords, although they are not part of the brain. Like this, Spock can help him, because obviously he is a better doctor than McCoy.
SPOCK: The word you were looking for was speech centre. I can tell you this, although it is not yet connected.
MCCOY: I needed you to tell me this, because Jim’s words made no sense and I can’t think of anything on my own.
SPEECH CENTRE: *is reconnected in ten seconds*
SPOCK: Now the awesome power of my brain is back where it belongs, I can proceed to tell the doctor which tools to use, despite the fact that he is still holding them in his hands from having used them nonstop for three hours.
MCCOY: I can tell which nerve controls which part of your body by looking at it, despite never having had to deal with a Vulcan brain before.
SPOCK: I am patronizing in my superior medical knowledge. The only reason I’m not the most badass doctor in Starfleet is because the job lacks screen time.
MCCOY: I give up. This episode makes me look stupid. Next time someone steals your brain, they can keep it.
KIRK & SCOTT: *are bored*
SPOCK: I am now fixed, thanks to me. I emerge from this operation with my hair in perfect order and not a single mark on my head. Now that I can once again speak freely, let me use this awesome ability to tell you everything you never wanted to know about this planet.
MCCOY: I should have forgotten to connect your mouth. It would have had the additional advance of you being unable to tell me what to do to save your life.
SCOTT: Lol.
SPOCK: I am happy, despite my silly clothes.
-
ENTERPRISE: *leaves orbit to leave clueless aliens to fend for themselves*
(END CREDITS)