Star Trek TOS, Episode 18: Arena
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Stardate: Whatever. An outpost let us know that they are being destroyed. When we got there we got our asses blown up because they are being destroyed. Made sure to have at least one redshirt on landing party to draw fire, but still jumped through explosion because it makes me look manly. Spock had forgotten how to dialogue and Uhura is practicing her rehearsal for that horror movie they are filming in engineering. My disappearance made Sulu gravitate towards my chair. I am suspicious, but must fight a guy in a bad dinosaur suit who is throwing rocks at me. At some point, the future took a wrong turn and is now moving in the opposite direction, except the dinosaur has a microphone and Spock is still not helpful. I appear to have gained super not-dying powers. It is possible that ultimately I might lose my shirt.
ENTERPRISE: *is in Orbit*
KIRK & MCCOY: *are flirting and planning their dinner date*
KIRK: Being high ranking is better than not being high ranking.
MCCOY: Boy, is it ever!
LANDING PARTY: *is on standby in transporter room*
VOICE OUT OF TRANSPORTER PULT: Jim, it is I, your date! Come soon, and bring all your clever people.
KIRK: *wears purple eyeshadow* This is not suspicious at all.
SPOCK: *wears purple eyeshadow*
PURPLE EYESHADOW ON SPOCK: * doesn’t make a nick of sense*
SPOCK: We must question the logic of this situation.
MCCOY: Do not logic away a free meal, Spock.
SPOCK: You only think with your stomach.
MCCOY: Hell yeah.
KIRK: I approve. Don’t worry, we packed a redshirt in case of emergency. Let’s beam.
SCOTTY: *beams them*
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
LANDING PARTY: *beams*
OUTPOST: *is destroyed*
FREE MEAL: *is nowhere to be found*
EVERYONE BUT MCCOY: We must be alert!
MCCOY: Whatever. I didn’t bring my phaser to the presumed dinner party, but I will take out this box of bubble gum that I had in my pocket and go hide behind the redshirt if that makes you feel better.
KIRK: The outpost is destroyed!
MUSIC: I’m not in the mood for drama. Have something uplifting.
(OPENING CREDITS)
DRAMA: *demands to be acknowledged*
MUSIC: *gives in*
KIRK: Quick, everyone! This outpost was destroyed from above and the wide open place we’re standing on was evidently hit from all directions. Let’s all hide behind this stone with our back to the wide open place!
LANDING PARTY: *”hides”*
ACTION: *makes no sense*
SPOCK: They tricked us!
KIRK: Obviously, for this destruction happened a day ago. Greenshirt # 1, you leave the safety of our hiding spot in that random direction to look for survivors.
GREENSHIRT # 1: *leaves*
KIRK: Blueshirt # 1, you leave the safety of your hiding spot in another randomly picked direction to look for survivors.
BLUESHIRT #1: *leaves*
KIRK: Redshirt # 1, you stay exactly where you are, between me and the wide open field of destruction.
REDSHIRT # 1: *is okay with this*
SPOCK: There may be a survivor. It would help if the Doctor were reading my tricorder because for some reason I’m holding it so the screen is facing him and not me, but I mindmelded with it and it told me that something might or might not be alive in one of the directions you didn’t send anyone in yet.
KIRK: I will go immediately. Come on, Bones. *drags MCCOY*
SPOCK and REDSHIRT # 1: *also follow*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: In case you slept through the last three minutes: We are on an outpost but it has been destroyed. We came here because of a dinner invitation, even though the trailer said we followed a distress signal. I didn’t watch the episode before doing the voice over.
SURVIVOR: *is found*
MCCOY: This man might be dead soon, Jim.
KIRK: Keep him alive so he can tell us what happened.
ORDER TO BEAM SURVIVOR TO MED BAY ON ENTERPRISE: *is not given*
SPOCK: There are others here, but they don’t qualify as survivors because they are not human.
KIRK: I will sic the Redshirt at them! *sics REDSHIRT # 1*
REDSHIRT # 1: I see something! I yell, even though you are right behind me. *is killed*
KIRK: That was so predictable I don’t even have a facial expression for it. Spock, come let’s run and stand in the spot where the Redshirt was killed, but crouch down so the death ray can’t find us.
SULU: Sorry, Captain, we’re getting attacked so I activated the defensive shields which sadly strands you on that planet with the death ray.
KIRK: That is okay. I have no idea what’s going on at your place, but fire at it with all phasers!
ENTERPRISE: *has three phasers*
KIRK: We are also under attack but will not risk the ship for upbeaming. Spock, if the ship lowers the shields to beam us up, they will have no protection.
SPOCK: I did not know that.
WIDE OPEN PLACE: *is bombed*
KIRK: *looks vaguely annoyed*
SPOCK: We cannot fight them because they have stronger weapons.
UNSEEN ATTACKERS: We can also not be fought because you cannot see us.
KIRK: Let’s go hide in one of those buildings like we should have from the start.
LANDING PARTY & SURVIVOR: *hide*
KIRK: It’s hopeless to fight them. Greenshirt and Blueshirt, run out into the open and fire at the coordinates Spock mentioned at the beginning of the adventure, even though you don’t have anything to pinpoint the coordinates by and can’t see shit. Spock and I will stay here where it’s safe with Bones and the Survivor.
GREENSHIRT # 1 & BLUESHIRT # 1: *run in opposite directions*
KIRK: I should be on the Enterprise and not here where it sucks.
SPOCK: Sulu can do it.
KIRK: It’s my ship. Sulu will seduce her them moment I’m out for longer than five minutes.
SPOCK: The enemy can’t hit us with their weapons because we have a roof.
DEAD OUTPOST CREW: If only we had had the sense to try and hide inside the building, rather than all running out to the only place the enemy can actually attack.
SPOCK: This attack is very thorough.
KIRK: I will now run over this wide open place of attack to get to the weapons arsenal only Spock knows the position of.
SPOCK: I will stay here and look vaguely concerned.
KIRK: *makes it halfway across the place* This is a good place to stop. Sulu, you better not have taken over my ship yet.
SULU: The ship is happy, but the phasers do nothing.
KIRK: Use the torpedos.
SULU: Good thing you called, Captain. We would be lost without you.
KIRK: Do we know what I have you fire at yet?
SULU: Nope.
KIRK: Bombs are interfering with communication. Let me jump manly into this crater before I tell you to leave us behind if must be. *jumps manly into crater* Leave us behind if must be!
SULU: Okay.
ENTERPRISE: *leaves orbit*
SPOCK: How is the survivor we kept for questioning but haven’t spoken to yet?
MCCOY: In half an hour he won’t be a survivor anymore, unless, you know, med bay.
SPOCK: I just packed away my tricorder, but I know that the enemy is moving, so I must cross the dangerous field to warn the captain. *crosses the field of danger* *is less manly than KIRK*
KIRK: Hi Spock! I have a big gun!
TRICORDER: *is fried*
SPOCK: My tricorder is a traitor! *throws tricorder at ATTACKERS* *looks vaguely insulted*
KIRK: They are clever, but we have a grenade launcher and paint balls. GREENSHIRT # 1!
BLUESHIRT # 1: Greenshirt # 1 was killed, Sir, even though your orders were without fail.
KIRK: Well, darn. Okay, we will now fire these super paintballs at a target much too close for this kind of weapon. To minimize the risk of getting toasted by the gigantic shockwave, we will throw ourselves three steps backwards and out of the protection of this slope. It will make all the difference.
GRENADE LAUNCHER: *is fired*
SHOCKWAVE: *is gigantic*
EVERYONE: *is unharmed*
SULU: We’re back and the enemy is withdrawing. If you want to, we can beam you up now.
KIRK: If you must. But beam a team of thirty medics without any protection down to his hostile planet in our stead, so they can go look for survivors while we take the ship and fuck off in pursuit of our attackers.
SULU: One day I will have your level of wisdom, Captain. One day.
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We’re following the enemy ship through space.
KIRK: *is in sickbay* Survivor! What happened?
SURVIVOR: I thought you’d never ask. A ship came and we said Hi but they blew us up with something like phasers but worse.
KIRK: It’s calls bombs. They don’t have a stun setting.
SURVIVOR: And the attack was really random because we didn’t have anything anyone could want.
MCCOY: Except a free meal.
SURVIVOR: And we said, we have women and children, which is still universal code for We’re harmless because women can’t possibly fight, and they said, We don’t give a fuck.
KIRK: What about the messages we received that we already concluded must have been fake?
SURVIVOR: They must have been fake. The attack happened a day before you came.
MUSIC: *did not expect that*
SURVIVOR: WHY DID THEY DO IT! *is dramatic*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: I got nothing.
SPOCK: Me neither.
KIRK: Still nothing.
MCCOY: Nope.
KIRK: Nothing comes up.
SURVIVOR: THERE HAS TO BE A REASON!
KIRK: It was a trap! *is somewhere else*
SPOCK: I thought we covered that, like, half a day ago.
KIRK: They send us those messages to make us and our entire crew come ashore, knowing full well that we would be so distracted by the invitation to dinner that we couldn’t possibly notice the whole outpost was levelled while in orbit.
CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE: *consisted of six men* *now consists of four men*
KIRK: They want to take out our ship because it is the only on protecting this sector of space. They were too impatient to wait for the next episode, which will doubtlessly bring us to some other sector of space and leave this one completely open to attack.
SPOCK: That is not the only possible explanation.
KIRK: It is now, because I say so. Invasion!
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK *is secretly emo*
SPOCK’S EYESHADOW: *is still purple*
SPOCK: In that case, we must destroy them before they can lead us to their home base.
KIRK: Exactly. We already attacked their vessel with all we got, but if we can leave them in the dark as to our strength, they’ll never dare to attack us.
LOGIC: Wat.
SPOCK: That makes sense.
KIRK: *is on intercom* Sulu, blow their asses out of space!
SULU: Okay.
SPOCK: Hm.
KIRK: Everyone, battle stations. THIS IS NO DRILL.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: New stardate. Still don’t know what they actually mean. We’re still following the invaders that destroyed the Earth outpost we erected in their territory and are planning on blowing them up.
KIRK: *is on bridge* Go to warp six. Navigation guy who looks a lot like Assistant Chief Engineer DeSalle, record everything we are about to do for glory and documentation! Spock, do we know anything about this part of space?
SPOCK: Nope. There have been reports of strange signals but no one ever bothered to record them or check them out, so there are space-legends about there being intelligent beings here but we can only guess. Or check those signals, but that would be boring.
SULU: The enemy must have noticed our stealthy attempt to catch up with them. They also went to warp six.
KIRK: Warp seven!
EVERYONE: *is shocked*
SPOCK: Hm.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK: Warp seven might blow us up in the long run.
KIRK: Doesn’t matter. We need to catch them, so we need warp seven.
SCOTT: Or we blow up. Did you consider the possibility that they may be faster than us?
KIRK: I’ll believe it if we blow up before we can get them. What are you doing here anyway, Scotty?
SCOTT: As always when the engines are about to blow, I am on the bridge to tell everyone that the engines might bow. It is my duty as Chief Engineer.
SPOCK: Hm.
KIRK: You got a problem, Spock?
SPOCK: I don’t like violence. Let’s not blow them up. Surely, pursuing them through space is enough punishment for the loss of the outpost and the thirty medics we will never go back to pick up again.
KIRK: How is that supposed to work?
SPOCK: We must have regard for sentient life.
KIRK: We only have regard for sentient life when it suits us.
UHURA: *has an opinion*
MUSIC: *also has an opinion*
KIRK: There was a crime, so we play police. Any problems with that?
SPOCK: If you put it like that, how could I?
SULU: Enemy vessel going at warp seven now.
SCOTT: I am looking vaguely distressed as I teach this young man here how to use his console, but that is no reason for me to go to the engine room.
KIRK: Warp eight!
SCOTT: Are you fucking kidding me, dude?
SPOCK: Dude.
SULU: Dude.
MUSIC: *is being held hostage by DRAMA*
SULU: Okay, whatever.
MUSIC: *is still dramatic*
KIRK: *is on intercom* Everyone, ready the phaser banks. Again. We’re going to engage in battle.
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
MUSIC: *is MAIN THEME*
DRAMA: *takes over MUSIC*
SULU: Rebel base almost in shooting distance.
KIRK: This will be a day long remembered. It saw the end of Obi Wan and will now see the end of the rebellion.
NAVIGATOR: There’s also a solar system on our way, even though the vessel we’re following is headed away from it.
NAVIGATION: *sucks*
SENSORS: By the way, you’re being scanned.
UHURA: The sensors say we’re being scanned. By the solar system ahead we’re not flying towards.
SCREEN: *shows no solar system*
UHURA: It’s an unusual frequence but it doesn’t do anything but scan us.
KIRK: Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: It seems they are scanning us.
KIRK: Is the ship we’re following still flying away from the solar system we’re flying towards?
SULU: Yes, and we’re getting closer.
KIRK: Uhura?
UHURA: The scan is still a scan, Captain. It’s not evil.
SULU: *is wearing purple eyeshadow* The enemy is slowing down! It’s dropping out of warp speed and coming to a stop.
INEVITABLE CRASH AT WARP EIGHT INTO THE SLOWING VESSEL: *does not happen*
KIRK: They want to fight us, evidently. So we can kill them.
SULU: Nope, looks like they’re dead already.
SCREEN: *shows no unmoving vessel*
KIRK: We got them! Get ready to rumble!
ENTERPRISE: *is still going at warp eight*
DESTRUCTION OF ENTERPRISE DUE TO WARP EIGHT: *is still imminent*
CHIEF ENGINEER SCOTT: *is still on bridge*
SUDDEN STOP: *happens*
LIGHTS: *go out*
EVERYONE: *falls over*
SULU: We haven’t crashed into the enemy ship even though we should have, and we haven’t suddenly stopped either. We’re just rapidly losing speed.
RAPID DECREASE OF SPEED: *happened*
LIGHTS: *go on again*
SULU: We stopped.
SUDDEN STOP: *happens*
SULU: But it’s impossible.
SCREEN: *shows unmoving vessel*
KIRK: Somebody fucking fire at it!
FIRING: *does not happen*
SCOTT: *is still on bridge*
KIRK: What’s going on, Scotty?
SCOTT: Engines are dead, Captain.
VOICE FROM INTERCOM: Phaser banks are dead, Captain.
SCOTT: We cannot move, Captain.
SPOCK: We’re being held in place, Captain.
KIRK: *gets it*
SPOCK: The solar system does it.
KIRK: This is impossible.
SPOCK: Well, duh.
SCREEN: *shows unmoving vessel*
LIGHTS: *flicker in slow motion*
EVERIONE: *looks apprehensive*
SCREEN: *shows psychedelic lights*
THE SIXTIES: *were full of psychedelic drugs*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: We are the Metrons. You suck. But we figured that your suck is inherited so whatever. We have decided to make you guys resolve your violent conflict under controlled laboratory conditions in a way that suits your mental capacities: By throwing rocks at each other under supervision. Captain Kirk, you have been chosen as the representative of your species and may fight the captain of the Gorn ship. In case that wasn’t clear: The Gorn are the guys you’ve been pursuing.
KIRK: I got nothing.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Of course not. We will give you a device that will record and translate everything you say so a documentation of the fight may discourage other visitors from coming, but you can’t communicate with your ship.
LOGIC: Wat.
KIRK: Hold on just one second. What makes you think you have a right to interfere when we enter your territory to murder each other?
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: You are the ones interfering.
QUESTION “WITH WHAT?”: *is not asked*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Obviously we detest violence. We will therefore drop you onto a suitable planet and give you all the means you need to kill each other. Since that’s what you were going for anyway there shouldn’t be any reason for objection on your part. In any case, in the interest of galactic peace we will destroy the one who gets killed in the arena along with his ship and let the better killer go his way to find other planets to terrorize. The plan is perfect. May the most brutal species prevail.
KIRK: Uhm.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: There will be no discussion.
KIRK: *says nothing*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Okay then.
KIRK: *disappears*
UHURA: *screams*
EYERYONE: *jumps*
SULU: He’s gone!
SPOCK’S EYEBROW: *saw this coming*
-
GORN: *looks like a plastic lizard with insect eyes and a Neanderthal-dress*
KIRK: …the fuck?
MUSIC: *complements the GORN-noises*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is dead in space*
KIRK: The Enterprise is dead in space and I have been stranded on the surface of this thing that has an atmosphere and vegetation and all and all the properties of a planet, so I’ll go out on a limp and call it an asteroid in my voiceover. With me is the captain of the other ship, who I hate based on the fact that he’s a reptile. All humans hate reptiles. I must remember that he’s highly intelligent, even though he’s reptilian and hissing all over the place, and since we’re both carrying translation devices and they do no translating, it must be assumed that he’s really just hissing at me. I must be clever now!
GORN: *breaks off branch*
KIRK: *climbs tree*
GORN: I has branch!
KIRK: I has twig and no optimism.
MUSIC: *is betting money on the branch*
KIRK: Well, fuck. *throws away twig*
GORN: I swing at you once. I miss. I throw away my weapon because that makes sense.
KIRK: I hit you, but you are too strong.
GORN: I swing at you, but I miss again because I can only move in slow motion.
KIRK: Let’s repeat that a few times.
GORN: I must choke you.
KIRK: I must slowly walk backwards to escape choking hands.
GORN: Try to kick me and I will throw you away.
KIRK: I will pick myself up with utmost drama and slowness because I need to bridge the time until you managed to walk over to where I landed.
WORDS TO ADEQUATELY DESCRIBE THIS FIGHT: *do not exist*
GORN: *gets in biting distance of KIRK’s throat*
BITING OF KIRK’S THROAT: *does not happen*
KIRK: I shall go for your ears and run away while you’re helpless. Oh, look! A stone. I’ll throw it. I’ll move extra slow to show how heavy it is.
STONE: *hits GORN*
GORN: *is unimpressed*
KIRK: Well, fuck it.
KIRK’S EXPRESSION: *is actually appropriately reflecting the situation*
GORN: Look! A rock!
GIANT ROCK: *sways softly in the breeze*
GORN: I’ll throw it. *throws it*
KIRK: You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m outta here.
MOVE: *is smart*
GORN: Harrump.
-
SPOCK: Mr. Scott, let me give you tips on how to do your job.
SCOTT: Already did my job, Sir. Nothing goes.
SPOCK: Lieutenant Uhura, did you pick up anything?
UHURA: Don’t you think that if I had, I would have told you? Oh, wait: The signal that took the captain definitely came from the solar system that is still not on our screen.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK’S EYESHADOW: *is purple*
-
KIRK: *is bored* It’s time to take out the recording device and tell my story to whoever will find this in an overwhelming display of optimism. I’ll just repeat the voiceover from earlier but add that the Gorn is strong but slow and possibly stupid. I will also give details about my plan to build a weapon out of the environment because bare-handed the Gorn will hand me my ass.
RECORDING DEVICE: *is also a translation device*
INFO ABOUT RECORDING AND TRANSLATION DEVICE: *has been given by PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS*
THOUGHT THAT THE GORN MIGHT BE LISTENING IN ON HIS OWN DEVICE: *does not occur to KIRK*
-
MCCOY: *enters bridge* What are you going to do, Spock?
SPOCK: Lol, nothing.
MCCOY: What does logic say about where the captain is?
SPOCK: Somewhere out there. Nothing we can do about that.
MUSIC: Wow, you’re useless.
GORN SHIP: *is on screen*
-
KIRK: *runs around* Oh, another twig! Well, that’s useless. *runs on*
GORN: I’ll just follow the idea the puny human gave me and build a trap out of the environment while he’s running around looking for a way to kill me.
KIRK: *runs around* Oh, pretty stones! I’ll stop to make a recording about how useless the pretty stones are and how I would trade them all for a phaser. The psychedelic lights said there would be weapons. I feel cheated! *runs on*
GORN: *is making GORN-noises*
KIRK: These noises concern me.
GORN: *is making weapons*
KIRK: Oh, the Gorn is making weapons down there. They look deadly. I think I’ll just climb up over there and drop a rock on him from above. *drops rock*
GORN: Whut? *is smashed*
KIRK: Lol. I rock. In the modern sense that I rock.
GORN: *looks dead*
KIRK: *goes down to check on kill* *finds GORN still twitching*
GORN: *gets up very slowly and awkwardly*
KIRK: Fuck. If only I had stayed up there where my speed would have put me at an advantage. *runs somewhere else*
GORN: Oh, by the way, I left a primitive trap lying around there somewhere.
KIRK: This one? I found it! *is smashed by rocks*
KIRK’S DEATH: *does not happen*
KIRK: Well, shit. Now I’m trapped underneath these rocks that should have killed me or at least shattered my hips, and the music tells me the Gorn is coming closer. Why is this my life?
DRAMA: *fades to black* *replays the last five seconds*
KIRK: Still trapped. Gorn still coming.
GORN: *is there* Now I’ll kill you. Let me just move aside this rock pining you down, all the better to stab you with this other rock.
KIRK: Fortunately, I survived being crushed by this giant rock without any serious injury whatsoever. I’m outta here. Again.
-
SPOCK: This is Spock calling the Metrons. Hello?
GORN SHIP: *is on screen*
SPOCK: Please talk to me or McCoy will hurt me.
GORN SHIP: *is on screen* *has nothing to do with the conversation*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
KIRK: *limps away from GORN* This is a good time to take a break and record my plight. Getting tired here. Still did not find random weapons lying around, just diamonds, and right now I’m sitting in sulphur. If only I knew how that’s supposed to help. This may be my last entry.
-
MCCOY: I can’t believe we’re immobilized without power or communication.
SPOCK: Thank you for the recap.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: *are on sceen* We are the Metrons.
CREW OF ENTERPRISE: Yeah, we covered that.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Your captain is about to die. Prepare his funeral. Never mind that we are going to destroy you anyway once he’s dead.
MCCOY: In the name of civilisation we ask you to stop this bullshit.
SPOCK: Leonard, please, you’re making a scene. *is secretly turned on*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: We’re going to kill you because you are violent and only thinking of murder. However, since you might like your captain we will allow you to watch him get killed as a sign of our compassion.
MCCOY: How is that helping?
GORN: *is on screen*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
UHURA: *doesn’t like reptiles*
SPOCK: *has never before seen an alien* *needs to enter MCCOY’s personal space*
KIRK: *is on screen* Oh, I’m dying here. Woe is me!
MCCOY: If only we could contact him and tell him he’s not looking manly right now.
SPOCK: I agree. We could tell him that the white powder he’s sitting in is potassium nitrate. I can tell it apart from any other white powder it could possibly be because I’m Spock. The knowledge might help him or not.
KIRK: *eats powder* Nope.
METRON CAMERA: *zooms in on KIRK’s face for DRAMA*
KIRK: Oh! I’m suddenly happy!
UHURA: Look! He’s suddenly happy! Shit is about to go down. Let’s get popcorn.
KIRK: Look at me jumping around! Random white powder gave me happiness and strength.
GURGLING VOICE FROM OUT OF KIRK’S PANTS: Captain!
KIRK: Whut. Who’s that? The Metrons? What are you doing in my pants?
GURGLING VOICE FROM OUT OF KIRK’S PANTS: It is I, the Gorn. You suck. I heard everything you said earlier and therefore propose that you will stop running and I’ll kill you quickly because of mercy. Deal?
KIRK: No deal. You invaded our space, destroyed our outpost and made me sacrifice thirty medics we’re never going to get back.
GORN: You invaded first. In case you didn’t notice - and I know you didn’t, because you never thought to check - the outpost is actually in our territory.
MCCOY: Well, fuck.
SPOCK: Agreed. It is possible that dropping outposts in places we do not know anything about isn’t always a brilliant idea.
MCCOY: Uh, we kind of suck. Because that would totally justify the Gorn bombing our outpost without any warning whatsoever.
SPOCK: Only diplomats can decide that.
DIPLOMATS: You suck.
MUSIC: *is confused my SPOCK and MCCOY actually agreeing on something*
KIRK: Hey, the same bundle of twigs I came across earlier. Maybe by now… Nope. Still useless.
SPOCK: Hm.
KIRK: Oh, big, hollow branch!
SPOCK: Yes! Good! You go, Jim!
KIRK: *prepares stuff* I must shorten this rope by a metre for no reason to make it look like I’m actually doing something here.
SPOCK: The captain is doing something, Doctor!
MCCOY: Well, if you say so.
KIRK: *does more stuff*
SPOCK: Yes! Yes!
MCCOY: What, Spock?
SPOCK: The captain is building a bazooka. It is obvious.
MUSIC:*cautiously eases into MAIN THEME*
GORN: Captain. You have a bazooka. I have a sharpened stone. I win.
KIRK: Yeah, keep talking. In the meantime, I am going to fill substances into both ends of my hollow branch and never wonder how they don’t fall out of the other end.
MCCOY: What is he doing?
SPOCK: If he has the time, Doctor. If he has the time.
DIALOGUE: *actually happened exactly like that*
KIRK: I am taking everything out of my bazooka and now I am stuffing it back in.
GORN: I am coming closer like the world’s slowest countdown.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: Now I’ll try to set fire to this explosive I’m sitting on.
GORN: Still coming!
KIRK: There you are! No reason to hurry, though.
GORN: If only I could run!
KIRK: I’m ready! Boom! Headshot. *blows self up*
GORN: Argh, I’m hit! And he didn’t even have time to fucking aim at me. I must fall to the ground before the Awesomeness That Is Kirk. And bleed.
KIRK: You got it, mate. Now I’ll finish you off with your own weapon. Except, wait. Would that possibly make me the bad guy here?
GORN: Yes, it totally would!
KIRK: Maybe you thought you were in the right when you destroyed the outpost to defend yourself. You totally weren’t, but I’ll give you that you might have been under the assumption that you were. Hey, Metrons! No murder going to happen today, suckers!
GORN: *disappears*
JULIUS CAESAR: *appears*
KIRK: …Jesus?
JULIUS CEASAR: I’m a Metron.
KIRK: You look like a baby.
METRON: I am fucking ancient. It’s not my fault you didn’t age well. Anyway, we revised our opinion of your species when you showed mercy with the enemy you just blew up. Therefore, we will not kill you now. Never mind that by the rules of this game we’d have to let you go anyway, since you won and all. Wouldn’t be civilized to murder you, and we are all about civilisation. By the way, we send the Gorn back to his ship. If you wish we will destroy them for you.
LOGIC: Fuck you.
KIRK: Naw, I’m good.
METRON: Very well. You suck slightly less than expected. We gather that in a few thousand years your kind may be worthy of talking to us again. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. *exit stage left*
KIRK: Well, that was kinda pointless, wasn’t it? *is transported to the ENTERPRISE*
EVERYONE: Captain! Good thing you’re here, this silence was beginning to become awkward. Are you all right?
KIRK: No idea, but I seem to have received a shower somewhere on the way here. Anyway, adventure’s over. Let’s go home.
EVERYONE: *is okay with that*
SULU: Uh, Captain. Seems we’re no longer where we are. I mean, where. I mean, grammar and shit.
KIRK: Okay. Whatever. Just get us back to the outpost that is now an entire galaxy away. ETA, 500 years.
SPOCK: Captain, we saw everything, but then we didn’t. What happened?
KIRK: We’re awesome, as predators go. In a thousand years we’ll be able to prove it. Sulu, get us back to where we were at warp one. Like that, we’ll make it just in time for our date with the Metrons.
ENTERPRISE: *creeps away into the end credits*
(END CREDITS)
January 26, 2014
ENTERPRISE: *is in Orbit*
KIRK & MCCOY: *are flirting and planning their dinner date*
KIRK: Being high ranking is better than not being high ranking.
MCCOY: Boy, is it ever!
LANDING PARTY: *is on standby in transporter room*
VOICE OUT OF TRANSPORTER PULT: Jim, it is I, your date! Come soon, and bring all your clever people.
KIRK: *wears purple eyeshadow* This is not suspicious at all.
SPOCK: *wears purple eyeshadow*
PURPLE EYESHADOW ON SPOCK: * doesn’t make a nick of sense*
SPOCK: We must question the logic of this situation.
MCCOY: Do not logic away a free meal, Spock.
SPOCK: You only think with your stomach.
MCCOY: Hell yeah.
KIRK: I approve. Don’t worry, we packed a redshirt in case of emergency. Let’s beam.
SCOTTY: *beams them*
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
LANDING PARTY: *beams*
OUTPOST: *is destroyed*
FREE MEAL: *is nowhere to be found*
EVERYONE BUT MCCOY: We must be alert!
MCCOY: Whatever. I didn’t bring my phaser to the presumed dinner party, but I will take out this box of bubble gum that I had in my pocket and go hide behind the redshirt if that makes you feel better.
KIRK: The outpost is destroyed!
MUSIC: I’m not in the mood for drama. Have something uplifting.
(OPENING CREDITS)
DRAMA: *demands to be acknowledged*
MUSIC: *gives in*
KIRK: Quick, everyone! This outpost was destroyed from above and the wide open place we’re standing on was evidently hit from all directions. Let’s all hide behind this stone with our back to the wide open place!
LANDING PARTY: *”hides”*
ACTION: *makes no sense*
SPOCK: They tricked us!
KIRK: Obviously, for this destruction happened a day ago. Greenshirt # 1, you leave the safety of our hiding spot in that random direction to look for survivors.
GREENSHIRT # 1: *leaves*
KIRK: Blueshirt # 1, you leave the safety of your hiding spot in another randomly picked direction to look for survivors.
BLUESHIRT #1: *leaves*
KIRK: Redshirt # 1, you stay exactly where you are, between me and the wide open field of destruction.
REDSHIRT # 1: *is okay with this*
SPOCK: There may be a survivor. It would help if the Doctor were reading my tricorder because for some reason I’m holding it so the screen is facing him and not me, but I mindmelded with it and it told me that something might or might not be alive in one of the directions you didn’t send anyone in yet.
KIRK: I will go immediately. Come on, Bones. *drags MCCOY*
SPOCK and REDSHIRT # 1: *also follow*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: In case you slept through the last three minutes: We are on an outpost but it has been destroyed. We came here because of a dinner invitation, even though the trailer said we followed a distress signal. I didn’t watch the episode before doing the voice over.
SURVIVOR: *is found*
MCCOY: This man might be dead soon, Jim.
KIRK: Keep him alive so he can tell us what happened.
ORDER TO BEAM SURVIVOR TO MED BAY ON ENTERPRISE: *is not given*
SPOCK: There are others here, but they don’t qualify as survivors because they are not human.
KIRK: I will sic the Redshirt at them! *sics REDSHIRT # 1*
REDSHIRT # 1: I see something! I yell, even though you are right behind me. *is killed*
KIRK: That was so predictable I don’t even have a facial expression for it. Spock, come let’s run and stand in the spot where the Redshirt was killed, but crouch down so the death ray can’t find us.
SULU: Sorry, Captain, we’re getting attacked so I activated the defensive shields which sadly strands you on that planet with the death ray.
KIRK: That is okay. I have no idea what’s going on at your place, but fire at it with all phasers!
ENTERPRISE: *has three phasers*
KIRK: We are also under attack but will not risk the ship for upbeaming. Spock, if the ship lowers the shields to beam us up, they will have no protection.
SPOCK: I did not know that.
WIDE OPEN PLACE: *is bombed*
KIRK: *looks vaguely annoyed*
SPOCK: We cannot fight them because they have stronger weapons.
UNSEEN ATTACKERS: We can also not be fought because you cannot see us.
KIRK: Let’s go hide in one of those buildings like we should have from the start.
LANDING PARTY & SURVIVOR: *hide*
KIRK: It’s hopeless to fight them. Greenshirt and Blueshirt, run out into the open and fire at the coordinates Spock mentioned at the beginning of the adventure, even though you don’t have anything to pinpoint the coordinates by and can’t see shit. Spock and I will stay here where it’s safe with Bones and the Survivor.
GREENSHIRT # 1 & BLUESHIRT # 1: *run in opposite directions*
KIRK: I should be on the Enterprise and not here where it sucks.
SPOCK: Sulu can do it.
KIRK: It’s my ship. Sulu will seduce her them moment I’m out for longer than five minutes.
SPOCK: The enemy can’t hit us with their weapons because we have a roof.
DEAD OUTPOST CREW: If only we had had the sense to try and hide inside the building, rather than all running out to the only place the enemy can actually attack.
SPOCK: This attack is very thorough.
KIRK: I will now run over this wide open place of attack to get to the weapons arsenal only Spock knows the position of.
SPOCK: I will stay here and look vaguely concerned.
KIRK: *makes it halfway across the place* This is a good place to stop. Sulu, you better not have taken over my ship yet.
SULU: The ship is happy, but the phasers do nothing.
KIRK: Use the torpedos.
SULU: Good thing you called, Captain. We would be lost without you.
KIRK: Do we know what I have you fire at yet?
SULU: Nope.
KIRK: Bombs are interfering with communication. Let me jump manly into this crater before I tell you to leave us behind if must be. *jumps manly into crater* Leave us behind if must be!
SULU: Okay.
ENTERPRISE: *leaves orbit*
SPOCK: How is the survivor we kept for questioning but haven’t spoken to yet?
MCCOY: In half an hour he won’t be a survivor anymore, unless, you know, med bay.
SPOCK: I just packed away my tricorder, but I know that the enemy is moving, so I must cross the dangerous field to warn the captain. *crosses the field of danger* *is less manly than KIRK*
KIRK: Hi Spock! I have a big gun!
TRICORDER: *is fried*
SPOCK: My tricorder is a traitor! *throws tricorder at ATTACKERS* *looks vaguely insulted*
KIRK: They are clever, but we have a grenade launcher and paint balls. GREENSHIRT # 1!
BLUESHIRT # 1: Greenshirt # 1 was killed, Sir, even though your orders were without fail.
KIRK: Well, darn. Okay, we will now fire these super paintballs at a target much too close for this kind of weapon. To minimize the risk of getting toasted by the gigantic shockwave, we will throw ourselves three steps backwards and out of the protection of this slope. It will make all the difference.
GRENADE LAUNCHER: *is fired*
SHOCKWAVE: *is gigantic*
EVERYONE: *is unharmed*
SULU: We’re back and the enemy is withdrawing. If you want to, we can beam you up now.
KIRK: If you must. But beam a team of thirty medics without any protection down to his hostile planet in our stead, so they can go look for survivors while we take the ship and fuck off in pursuit of our attackers.
SULU: One day I will have your level of wisdom, Captain. One day.
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We’re following the enemy ship through space.
KIRK: *is in sickbay* Survivor! What happened?
SURVIVOR: I thought you’d never ask. A ship came and we said Hi but they blew us up with something like phasers but worse.
KIRK: It’s calls bombs. They don’t have a stun setting.
SURVIVOR: And the attack was really random because we didn’t have anything anyone could want.
MCCOY: Except a free meal.
SURVIVOR: And we said, we have women and children, which is still universal code for We’re harmless because women can’t possibly fight, and they said, We don’t give a fuck.
KIRK: What about the messages we received that we already concluded must have been fake?
SURVIVOR: They must have been fake. The attack happened a day before you came.
MUSIC: *did not expect that*
SURVIVOR: WHY DID THEY DO IT! *is dramatic*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: I got nothing.
SPOCK: Me neither.
KIRK: Still nothing.
MCCOY: Nope.
KIRK: Nothing comes up.
SURVIVOR: THERE HAS TO BE A REASON!
KIRK: It was a trap! *is somewhere else*
SPOCK: I thought we covered that, like, half a day ago.
KIRK: They send us those messages to make us and our entire crew come ashore, knowing full well that we would be so distracted by the invitation to dinner that we couldn’t possibly notice the whole outpost was levelled while in orbit.
CREW OF THE ENTERPRISE: *consisted of six men* *now consists of four men*
KIRK: They want to take out our ship because it is the only on protecting this sector of space. They were too impatient to wait for the next episode, which will doubtlessly bring us to some other sector of space and leave this one completely open to attack.
SPOCK: That is not the only possible explanation.
KIRK: It is now, because I say so. Invasion!
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK *is secretly emo*
SPOCK’S EYESHADOW: *is still purple*
SPOCK: In that case, we must destroy them before they can lead us to their home base.
KIRK: Exactly. We already attacked their vessel with all we got, but if we can leave them in the dark as to our strength, they’ll never dare to attack us.
LOGIC: Wat.
SPOCK: That makes sense.
KIRK: *is on intercom* Sulu, blow their asses out of space!
SULU: Okay.
SPOCK: Hm.
KIRK: Everyone, battle stations. THIS IS NO DRILL.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: New stardate. Still don’t know what they actually mean. We’re still following the invaders that destroyed the Earth outpost we erected in their territory and are planning on blowing them up.
KIRK: *is on bridge* Go to warp six. Navigation guy who looks a lot like Assistant Chief Engineer DeSalle, record everything we are about to do for glory and documentation! Spock, do we know anything about this part of space?
SPOCK: Nope. There have been reports of strange signals but no one ever bothered to record them or check them out, so there are space-legends about there being intelligent beings here but we can only guess. Or check those signals, but that would be boring.
SULU: The enemy must have noticed our stealthy attempt to catch up with them. They also went to warp six.
KIRK: Warp seven!
EVERYONE: *is shocked*
SPOCK: Hm.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK: Warp seven might blow us up in the long run.
KIRK: Doesn’t matter. We need to catch them, so we need warp seven.
SCOTT: Or we blow up. Did you consider the possibility that they may be faster than us?
KIRK: I’ll believe it if we blow up before we can get them. What are you doing here anyway, Scotty?
SCOTT: As always when the engines are about to blow, I am on the bridge to tell everyone that the engines might bow. It is my duty as Chief Engineer.
SPOCK: Hm.
KIRK: You got a problem, Spock?
SPOCK: I don’t like violence. Let’s not blow them up. Surely, pursuing them through space is enough punishment for the loss of the outpost and the thirty medics we will never go back to pick up again.
KIRK: How is that supposed to work?
SPOCK: We must have regard for sentient life.
KIRK: We only have regard for sentient life when it suits us.
UHURA: *has an opinion*
MUSIC: *also has an opinion*
KIRK: There was a crime, so we play police. Any problems with that?
SPOCK: If you put it like that, how could I?
SULU: Enemy vessel going at warp seven now.
SCOTT: I am looking vaguely distressed as I teach this young man here how to use his console, but that is no reason for me to go to the engine room.
KIRK: Warp eight!
SCOTT: Are you fucking kidding me, dude?
SPOCK: Dude.
SULU: Dude.
MUSIC: *is being held hostage by DRAMA*
SULU: Okay, whatever.
MUSIC: *is still dramatic*
KIRK: *is on intercom* Everyone, ready the phaser banks. Again. We’re going to engage in battle.
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
MUSIC: *is MAIN THEME*
DRAMA: *takes over MUSIC*
SULU: Rebel base almost in shooting distance.
KIRK: This will be a day long remembered. It saw the end of Obi Wan and will now see the end of the rebellion.
NAVIGATOR: There’s also a solar system on our way, even though the vessel we’re following is headed away from it.
NAVIGATION: *sucks*
SENSORS: By the way, you’re being scanned.
UHURA: The sensors say we’re being scanned. By the solar system ahead we’re not flying towards.
SCREEN: *shows no solar system*
UHURA: It’s an unusual frequence but it doesn’t do anything but scan us.
KIRK: Mr. Spock?
SPOCK: It seems they are scanning us.
KIRK: Is the ship we’re following still flying away from the solar system we’re flying towards?
SULU: Yes, and we’re getting closer.
KIRK: Uhura?
UHURA: The scan is still a scan, Captain. It’s not evil.
SULU: *is wearing purple eyeshadow* The enemy is slowing down! It’s dropping out of warp speed and coming to a stop.
INEVITABLE CRASH AT WARP EIGHT INTO THE SLOWING VESSEL: *does not happen*
KIRK: They want to fight us, evidently. So we can kill them.
SULU: Nope, looks like they’re dead already.
SCREEN: *shows no unmoving vessel*
KIRK: We got them! Get ready to rumble!
ENTERPRISE: *is still going at warp eight*
DESTRUCTION OF ENTERPRISE DUE TO WARP EIGHT: *is still imminent*
CHIEF ENGINEER SCOTT: *is still on bridge*
SUDDEN STOP: *happens*
LIGHTS: *go out*
EVERYONE: *falls over*
SULU: We haven’t crashed into the enemy ship even though we should have, and we haven’t suddenly stopped either. We’re just rapidly losing speed.
RAPID DECREASE OF SPEED: *happened*
LIGHTS: *go on again*
SULU: We stopped.
SUDDEN STOP: *happens*
SULU: But it’s impossible.
SCREEN: *shows unmoving vessel*
KIRK: Somebody fucking fire at it!
FIRING: *does not happen*
SCOTT: *is still on bridge*
KIRK: What’s going on, Scotty?
SCOTT: Engines are dead, Captain.
VOICE FROM INTERCOM: Phaser banks are dead, Captain.
SCOTT: We cannot move, Captain.
SPOCK: We’re being held in place, Captain.
KIRK: *gets it*
SPOCK: The solar system does it.
KIRK: This is impossible.
SPOCK: Well, duh.
SCREEN: *shows unmoving vessel*
LIGHTS: *flicker in slow motion*
EVERIONE: *looks apprehensive*
SCREEN: *shows psychedelic lights*
THE SIXTIES: *were full of psychedelic drugs*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: We are the Metrons. You suck. But we figured that your suck is inherited so whatever. We have decided to make you guys resolve your violent conflict under controlled laboratory conditions in a way that suits your mental capacities: By throwing rocks at each other under supervision. Captain Kirk, you have been chosen as the representative of your species and may fight the captain of the Gorn ship. In case that wasn’t clear: The Gorn are the guys you’ve been pursuing.
KIRK: I got nothing.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Of course not. We will give you a device that will record and translate everything you say so a documentation of the fight may discourage other visitors from coming, but you can’t communicate with your ship.
LOGIC: Wat.
KIRK: Hold on just one second. What makes you think you have a right to interfere when we enter your territory to murder each other?
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: You are the ones interfering.
QUESTION “WITH WHAT?”: *is not asked*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Obviously we detest violence. We will therefore drop you onto a suitable planet and give you all the means you need to kill each other. Since that’s what you were going for anyway there shouldn’t be any reason for objection on your part. In any case, in the interest of galactic peace we will destroy the one who gets killed in the arena along with his ship and let the better killer go his way to find other planets to terrorize. The plan is perfect. May the most brutal species prevail.
KIRK: Uhm.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: There will be no discussion.
KIRK: *says nothing*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Okay then.
KIRK: *disappears*
UHURA: *screams*
EYERYONE: *jumps*
SULU: He’s gone!
SPOCK’S EYEBROW: *saw this coming*
-
GORN: *looks like a plastic lizard with insect eyes and a Neanderthal-dress*
KIRK: …the fuck?
MUSIC: *complements the GORN-noises*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is dead in space*
KIRK: The Enterprise is dead in space and I have been stranded on the surface of this thing that has an atmosphere and vegetation and all and all the properties of a planet, so I’ll go out on a limp and call it an asteroid in my voiceover. With me is the captain of the other ship, who I hate based on the fact that he’s a reptile. All humans hate reptiles. I must remember that he’s highly intelligent, even though he’s reptilian and hissing all over the place, and since we’re both carrying translation devices and they do no translating, it must be assumed that he’s really just hissing at me. I must be clever now!
GORN: *breaks off branch*
KIRK: *climbs tree*
GORN: I has branch!
KIRK: I has twig and no optimism.
MUSIC: *is betting money on the branch*
KIRK: Well, fuck. *throws away twig*
GORN: I swing at you once. I miss. I throw away my weapon because that makes sense.
KIRK: I hit you, but you are too strong.
GORN: I swing at you, but I miss again because I can only move in slow motion.
KIRK: Let’s repeat that a few times.
GORN: I must choke you.
KIRK: I must slowly walk backwards to escape choking hands.
GORN: Try to kick me and I will throw you away.
KIRK: I will pick myself up with utmost drama and slowness because I need to bridge the time until you managed to walk over to where I landed.
WORDS TO ADEQUATELY DESCRIBE THIS FIGHT: *do not exist*
GORN: *gets in biting distance of KIRK’s throat*
BITING OF KIRK’S THROAT: *does not happen*
KIRK: I shall go for your ears and run away while you’re helpless. Oh, look! A stone. I’ll throw it. I’ll move extra slow to show how heavy it is.
STONE: *hits GORN*
GORN: *is unimpressed*
KIRK: Well, fuck it.
KIRK’S EXPRESSION: *is actually appropriately reflecting the situation*
GORN: Look! A rock!
GIANT ROCK: *sways softly in the breeze*
GORN: I’ll throw it. *throws it*
KIRK: You’ve got to be kidding me. I’m outta here.
MOVE: *is smart*
GORN: Harrump.
-
SPOCK: Mr. Scott, let me give you tips on how to do your job.
SCOTT: Already did my job, Sir. Nothing goes.
SPOCK: Lieutenant Uhura, did you pick up anything?
UHURA: Don’t you think that if I had, I would have told you? Oh, wait: The signal that took the captain definitely came from the solar system that is still not on our screen.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
SPOCK’S EYESHADOW: *is purple*
-
KIRK: *is bored* It’s time to take out the recording device and tell my story to whoever will find this in an overwhelming display of optimism. I’ll just repeat the voiceover from earlier but add that the Gorn is strong but slow and possibly stupid. I will also give details about my plan to build a weapon out of the environment because bare-handed the Gorn will hand me my ass.
RECORDING DEVICE: *is also a translation device*
INFO ABOUT RECORDING AND TRANSLATION DEVICE: *has been given by PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS*
THOUGHT THAT THE GORN MIGHT BE LISTENING IN ON HIS OWN DEVICE: *does not occur to KIRK*
-
MCCOY: *enters bridge* What are you going to do, Spock?
SPOCK: Lol, nothing.
MCCOY: What does logic say about where the captain is?
SPOCK: Somewhere out there. Nothing we can do about that.
MUSIC: Wow, you’re useless.
GORN SHIP: *is on screen*
-
KIRK: *runs around* Oh, another twig! Well, that’s useless. *runs on*
GORN: I’ll just follow the idea the puny human gave me and build a trap out of the environment while he’s running around looking for a way to kill me.
KIRK: *runs around* Oh, pretty stones! I’ll stop to make a recording about how useless the pretty stones are and how I would trade them all for a phaser. The psychedelic lights said there would be weapons. I feel cheated! *runs on*
GORN: *is making GORN-noises*
KIRK: These noises concern me.
GORN: *is making weapons*
KIRK: Oh, the Gorn is making weapons down there. They look deadly. I think I’ll just climb up over there and drop a rock on him from above. *drops rock*
GORN: Whut? *is smashed*
KIRK: Lol. I rock. In the modern sense that I rock.
GORN: *looks dead*
KIRK: *goes down to check on kill* *finds GORN still twitching*
GORN: *gets up very slowly and awkwardly*
KIRK: Fuck. If only I had stayed up there where my speed would have put me at an advantage. *runs somewhere else*
GORN: Oh, by the way, I left a primitive trap lying around there somewhere.
KIRK: This one? I found it! *is smashed by rocks*
KIRK’S DEATH: *does not happen*
KIRK: Well, shit. Now I’m trapped underneath these rocks that should have killed me or at least shattered my hips, and the music tells me the Gorn is coming closer. Why is this my life?
DRAMA: *fades to black* *replays the last five seconds*
KIRK: Still trapped. Gorn still coming.
GORN: *is there* Now I’ll kill you. Let me just move aside this rock pining you down, all the better to stab you with this other rock.
KIRK: Fortunately, I survived being crushed by this giant rock without any serious injury whatsoever. I’m outta here. Again.
-
SPOCK: This is Spock calling the Metrons. Hello?
GORN SHIP: *is on screen*
SPOCK: Please talk to me or McCoy will hurt me.
GORN SHIP: *is on screen* *has nothing to do with the conversation*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
KIRK: *limps away from GORN* This is a good time to take a break and record my plight. Getting tired here. Still did not find random weapons lying around, just diamonds, and right now I’m sitting in sulphur. If only I knew how that’s supposed to help. This may be my last entry.
-
MCCOY: I can’t believe we’re immobilized without power or communication.
SPOCK: Thank you for the recap.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: *are on sceen* We are the Metrons.
CREW OF ENTERPRISE: Yeah, we covered that.
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: Your captain is about to die. Prepare his funeral. Never mind that we are going to destroy you anyway once he’s dead.
MCCOY: In the name of civilisation we ask you to stop this bullshit.
SPOCK: Leonard, please, you’re making a scene. *is secretly turned on*
PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTS: We’re going to kill you because you are violent and only thinking of murder. However, since you might like your captain we will allow you to watch him get killed as a sign of our compassion.
MCCOY: How is that helping?
GORN: *is on screen*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
UHURA: *doesn’t like reptiles*
SPOCK: *has never before seen an alien* *needs to enter MCCOY’s personal space*
KIRK: *is on screen* Oh, I’m dying here. Woe is me!
MCCOY: If only we could contact him and tell him he’s not looking manly right now.
SPOCK: I agree. We could tell him that the white powder he’s sitting in is potassium nitrate. I can tell it apart from any other white powder it could possibly be because I’m Spock. The knowledge might help him or not.
KIRK: *eats powder* Nope.
METRON CAMERA: *zooms in on KIRK’s face for DRAMA*
KIRK: Oh! I’m suddenly happy!
UHURA: Look! He’s suddenly happy! Shit is about to go down. Let’s get popcorn.
KIRK: Look at me jumping around! Random white powder gave me happiness and strength.
GURGLING VOICE FROM OUT OF KIRK’S PANTS: Captain!
KIRK: Whut. Who’s that? The Metrons? What are you doing in my pants?
GURGLING VOICE FROM OUT OF KIRK’S PANTS: It is I, the Gorn. You suck. I heard everything you said earlier and therefore propose that you will stop running and I’ll kill you quickly because of mercy. Deal?
KIRK: No deal. You invaded our space, destroyed our outpost and made me sacrifice thirty medics we’re never going to get back.
GORN: You invaded first. In case you didn’t notice - and I know you didn’t, because you never thought to check - the outpost is actually in our territory.
MCCOY: Well, fuck.
SPOCK: Agreed. It is possible that dropping outposts in places we do not know anything about isn’t always a brilliant idea.
MCCOY: Uh, we kind of suck. Because that would totally justify the Gorn bombing our outpost without any warning whatsoever.
SPOCK: Only diplomats can decide that.
DIPLOMATS: You suck.
MUSIC: *is confused my SPOCK and MCCOY actually agreeing on something*
KIRK: Hey, the same bundle of twigs I came across earlier. Maybe by now… Nope. Still useless.
SPOCK: Hm.
KIRK: Oh, big, hollow branch!
SPOCK: Yes! Good! You go, Jim!
KIRK: *prepares stuff* I must shorten this rope by a metre for no reason to make it look like I’m actually doing something here.
SPOCK: The captain is doing something, Doctor!
MCCOY: Well, if you say so.
KIRK: *does more stuff*
SPOCK: Yes! Yes!
MCCOY: What, Spock?
SPOCK: The captain is building a bazooka. It is obvious.
MUSIC:*cautiously eases into MAIN THEME*
GORN: Captain. You have a bazooka. I have a sharpened stone. I win.
KIRK: Yeah, keep talking. In the meantime, I am going to fill substances into both ends of my hollow branch and never wonder how they don’t fall out of the other end.
MCCOY: What is he doing?
SPOCK: If he has the time, Doctor. If he has the time.
DIALOGUE: *actually happened exactly like that*
KIRK: I am taking everything out of my bazooka and now I am stuffing it back in.
GORN: I am coming closer like the world’s slowest countdown.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: Now I’ll try to set fire to this explosive I’m sitting on.
GORN: Still coming!
KIRK: There you are! No reason to hurry, though.
GORN: If only I could run!
KIRK: I’m ready! Boom! Headshot. *blows self up*
GORN: Argh, I’m hit! And he didn’t even have time to fucking aim at me. I must fall to the ground before the Awesomeness That Is Kirk. And bleed.
KIRK: You got it, mate. Now I’ll finish you off with your own weapon. Except, wait. Would that possibly make me the bad guy here?
GORN: Yes, it totally would!
KIRK: Maybe you thought you were in the right when you destroyed the outpost to defend yourself. You totally weren’t, but I’ll give you that you might have been under the assumption that you were. Hey, Metrons! No murder going to happen today, suckers!
GORN: *disappears*
JULIUS CAESAR: *appears*
KIRK: …Jesus?
JULIUS CEASAR: I’m a Metron.
KIRK: You look like a baby.
METRON: I am fucking ancient. It’s not my fault you didn’t age well. Anyway, we revised our opinion of your species when you showed mercy with the enemy you just blew up. Therefore, we will not kill you now. Never mind that by the rules of this game we’d have to let you go anyway, since you won and all. Wouldn’t be civilized to murder you, and we are all about civilisation. By the way, we send the Gorn back to his ship. If you wish we will destroy them for you.
LOGIC: Fuck you.
KIRK: Naw, I’m good.
METRON: Very well. You suck slightly less than expected. We gather that in a few thousand years your kind may be worthy of talking to us again. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. *exit stage left*
KIRK: Well, that was kinda pointless, wasn’t it? *is transported to the ENTERPRISE*
EVERYONE: Captain! Good thing you’re here, this silence was beginning to become awkward. Are you all right?
KIRK: No idea, but I seem to have received a shower somewhere on the way here. Anyway, adventure’s over. Let’s go home.
EVERYONE: *is okay with that*
SULU: Uh, Captain. Seems we’re no longer where we are. I mean, where. I mean, grammar and shit.
KIRK: Okay. Whatever. Just get us back to the outpost that is now an entire galaxy away. ETA, 500 years.
SPOCK: Captain, we saw everything, but then we didn’t. What happened?
KIRK: We’re awesome, as predators go. In a thousand years we’ll be able to prove it. Sulu, get us back to where we were at warp one. Like that, we’ll make it just in time for our date with the Metrons.
ENTERPRISE: *creeps away into the end credits*
(END CREDITS)
January 26, 2014