Star Trek TOS, Episode 46: The Gamesters of Triskelion
TRAILER:
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Stardate: What do these mean anyway?
Chekov, Uhura and I have landed on a planet populated by both men and women. An important troll explains to us our tasks, which include fighting, molesting female strangers, making funny faces, and in my case losing my shirt. I like it here, but I miss Spock and Bones, who do not appear to appear. (The colourful brains are just no adequate replacement.)
NOTE: For rose_cat who requested it.
THE GAMESTERS OF TRISKELION
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We’re in orbit about a planet without anything going on. For a routine inspection of absolutely nothing, I will beam down myself, because it makes sense for the captain to take care of stuff like this. Also, I’ll take Chekov and Uhura along. For some reason.
SPOCK: *has conn* This shit never goes well.
THIS SHIT: *goes wrong*
KIRK, UHURA & CHEKOV: *blink out of existence* *blink into existence*
CHEKOV: Uh, fail?
KIRK: No worries. It’s a transporter malfunction that has stranded us on an unknown planet. Happens all the time. You can tell it’s the wrong planet by the colour of the sky.
UHURA: Or the fact that it has a sky at all. Gamma II has no sky, because it has no atmosphere.
KIRK: Exactly! Only heroes like me, and by my proximity you, would dare to beam down there without spacesuits.
-
SCOTT: Uh, Spock, we lot the captain. Again.
SPOCK: I totally knew that would happen.
SCOTT: There was no power surge or anything. I have no clue what happened.
SPOCK: Naturally. You rule out technical errors, I’ll rule out them being on Gamma II. Like that, we’ll both keep up the impression of being useful.
-
KIRK: *tries communicator* It’s dead, me! Damn, I miss Bones!
FOUR PEOPLE: *enter arena*
KIRK: They carry knifes. Let’s assume they’re evil and phaser them!
PHASERS: *fail*
KIRK: They are four, we are three. The best way to go at this is if I attack the guy who looks generally human, Chekov attacks the giant caveman and Uhura takes on the two heavily armed ladies.
CHEKOV & UHURA: Would this be a good moment to mention that we suck at fighting?
KIRK: I survived my fight the longest and got laid by a lady in the process! I pwn you!
UHURA: *would also have liked to get laid by that lady*
(OPENIN CREDITS)
CAPTAIN’S LOG: We wanted to beam to Gamma II but due to no fault of our own randomly ended up here, where people from different planets kick our asses. Did I mention I got laid yet? Because I was!
GUY IN BLACK: *appears out of nowhere* I applaud you! We expected nothing less, though.
KIRK: Well, I aim to please. Oh, by the way, anyone hurt? Team?
CHEKOV: No, but I could totally kick this caveman’s ass!
GUY: Cute. You too, Uhura. You are all Kirk-level awesome.
KIRK: *thinks he out-levels them*
GUY: Hello! Welcome to here!
MUSIC: *is very, very dramatic*
-
CAVEMAN: I say Hi too!
KIRK: *chained to wall* No molesting time before I lost my shirt!
GUY: We waited for you to come and become thralls like us. The providers made it so. Oh, you are theirs, by the way, and no longer officers. Now prepare for training.
CHIANS: *come off*
CHEKOV: Well, that was kind of pointless, wasn’t it?
KIRK: Tell us what’s going on, then we’ll do whatever you say.
GUY: Okay. I am the Master Thrall. The providers selected you at random to stay here forever as our slaves.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: *did not see that coming*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SCOTT: Remember that power surge I said didn’t happen? Our transporter didn’t cause it.
SPOCK: I expected that. I only let you check so you would have something to do.
MCCOY: A negative attitude is taking us nowhere.
SPOCK: I assume you’ll leave, then?
MCCOY: I’d love to. Anything to get out of this episode. Just tell me why we know they are not atoms in space.
SPOCK: Because we would see that. And because I was contaminated by you and therefore hope they’re not. Our hope will let us find them.
MCCOY: Hope is not an STD, Spock.
HOPE: *is more useful than anyone present*
MUSIC: *is mocking MCCOY*
-
MASTER THRALL: These are your new quarters.
NEW QUARTERS: *suck*
KIRK: I don’t like them. Let’s escape!
KIRK, UHURA & CHEKOV: *escape*
MASTER THRALL: I am unimpressed. My eyes are glowing!
UHURA: *screams*
KIRK & CHEKOV: *make funny faces*
KIRK: I told you, auto-erotic asphyxiation is the new black!
CHEKOV: *agrees*
MASTER THRALL: Your collars of obedience prevent escape. I mean, really, didn’t you ever wonder what they were for? Not once?
CHEKOV: Uh, no. Were they invented in Russia?
MASTER THRALL: Go to your quarters.
KIRK, UHURA & CHEKOV: Okay.
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
MCCOY: Didn’t we cover hours ago that this was going nowhere?
SPOCK: I would like to theorize about scientific projects. I have nothing better to do.
MCCOY: You suck.
SPOCK: You are not helpful.
MCCOY: You never ask me.
SPOCK: I would, if you had anything to say.
MCCOY: You wouldn’t say that if you didn’t know that I have no idea what to do.
SPOCK: Let me show you my eye shadow!
MUSIC: *is mocking MCCOY*
-
CHEKOV: The Enterprise will be looking for us!
UHURA: If the Enterprise doesn’t know where to look, they won’t find us.
KIRK: We might be in a different dimension, too.
CHEKOV: Crap.
DRILL THRALL: I Uhura’s drill troll. I Lars. *enters cell with food*
UHURA: I’m being molested here! Uh, help?
FOOD: *is pointless*
SHADOWS: *are fighting*
KIRK: Uhura? What’s happening?
UHURA: What does it sound like, genius?
GREEN-HAIRED LADY: I’m your drill thrall.
KIRK: Let me out! *is angry*
SHATNER: *is overacting like woah*
GREEN-HAIRD DRILL THRALL: Whatever. I’m sitting here completely unimpressed until you’ll pay attention to me.
KIRK: Dear, you are wearing tin foil, and not too much of it. You have my full attention - I won’t even try to escape and help Uhura.
UHURA: Never mind me, we’re done here anyway. Thanks for nothing, guys!
-
ENTERPRISE: *is still in orbit*
SPOCK: Captain’s Log: I are captain. We’re looking for the real captain, but he’s gone and we’re useless.
RANDOM GREENSKIRT: We found a random ion trail.
SCOTTY: *is randomly present* It wasn’t the transporter.
SPOCK: Then we shall randomly follow it.
MCCOY: *is also randomly present* Isn’t that a little random?
SPOCK: Since it happens with the intention of finding the captain, it isn’t. You’re stupid.
MCCOY: You know, I’m beginning to really fucking hate you.
-
CHEKOV: *is lonely* I wish I had a drill troll too!
YELLOW DRILL THRALL: Here I am!
MUSIC: *is… something*
YELLOW DRILL THRALL: You have a nice name. I love names I can’t pronounce! Now pronounce mine. Pronounce it!
CHEKOV: Urg! What gender are you, anyway?
YELLOW DRILL THRALL: I like you, because you are a fine specimen, judging by comparing you with the only other human I know. Also, the colour of your shirt matches the colour of my skin.
CHEKOV: I don’t really like you.
YELLOW DRILL TROLL: I want your babies!
CHEKOV: Uh, help? Anyone? Captain?
KIRK: Don’t bother me. I have food and a drill thrall who isn’t ugly and doesn’t attack me. Come back when I have time for your troubles. What do you call this food?
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: We call it food.
KIRK: Good name. Have I told you you’re beautiful yet?
GREEN-HAIRD DRILL THRALL: No one ever has. Due to me having been here all my life, I have significant gabs in my vocabulary. I also have never seen a mirror.
KIRK: *giver her reflecting tablet* This is beautiful.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: Fascinating. We call it a tablet. Oh, by the way, you’re going to be trained and then sold to the highest bidder. Training starts about now. Put on your harness, which also serves no purpose!
-
ENTERPRISE: *is not in orbit anymore*
MCCOY: This is useless.
SCOTT: This is useless.
SPOCK: It is logical. I declare it so.
SCOTT: They can’t have been transported to the next system, it’s too far.
SPOCK: We’ll look anyway. It’s the only idea I can come up with, and it will be right of course, because I am Spock, and in the absence of the captain my ideas are always correct.
-
MASTER THRALL: I interrupt your training for the punishment of this thrall, who was slow in obeying a command. Uhura will administer it.
UHURA: No.
MASTER THRALL: The providers want it.
CHEKOV: The providers suck!
MASTER THRALL: Wrong answer. Now the thrall who escaped punishment thanks to you will punish Uhura.
KIRK: Noes! As her captain, I want to see the providers.
MASTER THRALL: Denied. But since you are her captain, you may take her punishment, even though earlier we officially de-officered you.
KIRK: Wait a moment! This is not the outcome I was hoping for.
MASTER THRALL: You will be the big hero who sacrifices himself for his crew. Also, you will lose your shirt.
KIRK: On with it!
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Stardate: unknown. I don’t really care, since I’m just making this log in my head to keep from getting bored while a giant caveman is wiping me. Have already lost part of my shirt, so I consider this a success.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: You seem strangely unaffected by your captain’s suffering.
UHURA: Are you kidding? This happens every other day.
REST INTERVAL: *is declared*
UHURA: Oh Captain, my Captain!
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I will take care of the Kirk and grope Uhura in the process. Here, space!coke!
KIRK: Oh, the universal drink of win!
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I secretly like you, so I tell you how to defeat him.
KIRK: Don’t bother. I am so Awesome that I don’t even flinch when I get wiped hard enough to tear my back open. Also, I can take out a two metre armed caveman with my hands bound behind my back in a way that has nothing whatsoever to do with your advice.
PROVIDER 1: Your Awesome is powerful! I want to buy you.
PROVIDER 2: Me too!
PROVIDER 3: Me too!
MASTER THRALL: You have been sold as a team to the funny disembodied voice.
KIRK: I protest. Because freedom and all.
PORVIDER WHATEVER: LOL. I bet you can’t train him.
ANOTHER PROVIDER: I bet you can’t train any of them.
THIRD PROVIDER: I bet we will kill them all.
EVERYONE: Yay!
MASTER THRALL: I’d bet on that too, since now you are done training, I shall kill you if you annoy me.
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in space*
SCOTT: Since it’s impossible they are in that system, we should continue looking where we were, in case we overlooked something.
SPOCK: If they are there, it’s your transporter’s fault.
SCOTT: Sorry. They can’t be there. Go ahead.
MCCOY: If they’re atoms in space, they’re dead by now.
SPOCK: In that case, we have nothing to lose by following my theory, which will prove correct, since it is my theory.
-
KIRK: I found a wilderness and am running through it with my thrall and without my shirt.
KIRK’S SHIRT: *just happens to be gone*
KIRK: I’m out of breath.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I’m not.
KIRK: Neither am I. But this is a good opportunity to sit down and talk a bit about why the providers like pain.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: Why do you?
KIRK: Good point.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: Things are the way they are. I don’t know what a computer is, or a planet.
KIRK: I do. This is a planet. It’s pretty - I remember when we used the same set last week… I was with Spock and Bones… Say, would you mind if I touched you a bit and sniffed your hair while we have this casual conversation as virtual strangers?
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I wanna know what love is!
KIRK: I was waiting for this! *is happy*
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I’ll get a mate when we need more thralls.
KIRK: On Earth, we select our own mates. Only on Earth - let me stress that again. Vulcan? Totally fails. But where I come from, men and women live together. And sometimes men and men. Or men and men and men…
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: This is confusing! I cannot count that high.
KIRK: Don’t run away! I won’t talk of my men anymore. Let’s talk about the providers instead.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I know nothing of them.
PROVIDER: It is forbidden to talk of us. We shall punish you!
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: Argh! *is punished*
KIRK: Oh no! I need to yell to the sky! Guys, this is my fault.
PROVIDERS: We know, but you look silly when you suffer. Also, you’ve been forgetting to pull in your stomach for several minutes already.
KIRK: I WANT PAIN!
PROVIDERS: Is that “compassion”? How funny. But pointless. As a punishment, we’ll take her pain away too.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: Oh, Kirk, my hero! You risked yourself for me! Why?
KIRK: Because I’m really, really into pain. Also, now I have an excuse to kiss you and teach you about sex, you girl with the experience and education of a five years old. I’m your home teacher! *is not creepy at all*
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: Yes, teach me please!
KIRK: She’s believing everything I say! I like that!
MASTER THRALL: *appear out of nowhere*
KOITUS INTERRUPTUS: *happens*
MASTER THRALL: The providers want to watch your sex ed. They find you funny Go home now for further sexing.
KIRK & GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: *leave*
MASTER THRALL: *wishes he has sex too*
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is going on warp six*
SCOTT & MCCOY: *are taking a walk on the bridge side by side*
SPOCK: We need to go faster.
MCCOY: We need to go back!
SCOTT: I’m with McCoy.
SPOCK: … I see. *is secretly emo*
MCCOY: We’re following your hunch.
SPOCK: My hunch is no hunch because I am Spock; I don’t follow hunches. Let me explain my theory in detail.
THEORY: *is explained*
MCCOY: … We are following your hunch.
SCOTT: I’m still with McCoy.
SPOCK: Of course you are. Let’s take two steps to the side to discuss the possibility of you starting a mutiny against me in private.
SCOTT & MCCOY: We are not starting a mutiny.
SPOCK: In that case, let’s go faster.
SCOTT: I’d love to. *loves to*
ENTERPRISE: *is going at warp seven +*
-
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I don’t like how things are going between us. I’d like you to have another drill thrall.
KIRK: Well, I don’t! So I’ll just kiss you again.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: Oh, whatever. I just have no will of my own.
KIRK: Yay! *punches her* I’m lucky Bones isn’t here, or I’d so be sleeping on the couch again. *steals key and escapes*
CHEKOV: I defeated my troll as well but failed to take her key, so you can rescue me.
UHURA: My troll just went away.
KIRK: We need the Master Thrall to get rid of the collars. You know, the ones that could knock us out any second now and make any escape pointless. In case the providers haven’t seen us yet, let’s go to the arena and show them we’re free.
MASTER THRALL: *appears*
MASTER THRALL’S EYES: *glow*
KIRK, UHURA & CHEKOV: *are in pain*
KIRK: *is happy*
PAIN: *stops*
PROVIDER: You Earth people totally push all my buttons.
-
ENTERPRISE: *has found another planet to orbit*
SPOCK: There’s life. But we will not beam down anyone since it might endanger the captain. There further is no power source down there that could have snatched the captain. It must therefore be shielded.
MCCOY: Or you were wrong.
SPOCK: Illogical. I will beam down to look.
MCCOY: You are contradicting yourself, and quoting the bible. As a doctor I deem it necessary to accompany you as you are obviously ill.
SPOCK: I’d like that. Scott stays here!
SPOCK & MCCOY: *kiss and make up*
DOOR: *locks*
PROVIDER: You stay on ship!
SPOCK: *thought this was SCOTT’S doing* *is relieved*
-
MCCOY’S VOICE: *is heard on planet*
KIRK: Spock, is that you?
MCCOY: You’re an ass, Jim!
KIRK: Spock, my dear, I shall introduce the providers and tell you everything they do: they snatch people, let them fight, and the winner goes to the highest bidder. By the way, I’m shirtless.
SPOCK: Fascinating.
KIRK: I’m trying to taunt the providers into actually showing up for once.
PROVIDERS: It works. But you did not get us by our pride, we just happen to like your curiosity.
KIRK: *is transported to PROVIDERS*
PROVIDERS: *are three colourful brains*
KIRK: These rocks are what shields the signal! I can tell, even though I didn’t even know there was a signal, or a shield. And you are the product of primary mental evolution.
PRIMARY MENTAL EVOLUTION: *does not work that way*
PROVIDERS: We were humanoid once, but now we’re brains that can’t support themselves and shouldn’t be able to survive. We are totally superior to you.
KIRK: Enslaving people is not superior.
PROVIDERS: Uh, yes, it is. If we were not, we wouldn’t be their masters. Also, without them fighting, we’d be bored. They’re too stupid to do anything else anyway.
KIRK: You are stupid if you think so.
PROVIDERS: You are interesting. We predicted that and hoped for it. Now we will destroy you for being interesting, and so one of us will win their bet.
MUSIC: *is dramatic*
KIRK: If you destroy my ship, the federation will destroy you.
PORVIDERS: They don’t know where you are. Pwnd!
KIRK: *is pissed* You’re not superior, you just suck!
PROVIDERS: Explain!
KIRK: My people are better competitors. But we’re useful while doing so. With weapons of your choice against an equal number of thralls we could totally kick your asses. Or those of your slaves, who we are willing to kick in your place.
PROVIDERS: Okay. We’ll bet on this!
KIRK: No, no! You don’t get the idea. If we win, you’ll let us go and teach the thralls to care for themselves. We did that with outer species, if you can’t do it, you fail. If we lose, the entire crew stays as your slaves. I am a good captain!
PROVIDERS: Okay. To make it fair, we’ll let you fight alone against three thralls.
KIRK: Oh, well. Okay. I’m just that awesome. *is transported back to arena*
THRALLS: *are already in place*
PROVIDERS: Kill them, or they’ll be replaced by new ones. If your leave the correctly coloured ground, you will lose your weapon. Your crew may watch.
CREW: *watches*
MCCOY: This smells like fail.
SCOTT: Looks like fail too.
SPOCK: *wishes for popcorn*
BATTLE: *starts*
KIRK: *touches the wrong colour with the first step without consequence*
CHEKOV: *wishes for popcorn too*
UHURA: *is unimpressed*
KIRK: *stabs one thrall* *has another thrall stab the third*
MCCOY: Way to go about helping these people, Jim!
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: *enters fight* I’m kind of pissed at you. But I can’t kill you anyway, despite having the chance.
KIRK: Therefore I pwn you. I can kill you if I have to.
GREEN-HAIRED DRILL THRALL: I surrender.
MASTER THRALL: Kirk wins!
DEAD THRALLS: What the fuck? That would have worked too?
PROVIDERS: You’re all free. Fuck. Remove your collars.
KIRK, UHURA & CHEKOV: What, you mean we could have taken them off all along if we tried?
EVERYONE: *removes collar*
KIRK: *removes collar with force*
GREEN-HAIRED EX-DRILL THRALL: *is shocked by SHATNER’S overacting*
PROVIDERS: Everyone will be free and happy and provided with knowledge to care for themselves. We said so!
KIRK: I’ll take your word on that. I also assume no one will be pissed at you for generations of slavery and all that shit. And the people you snatched from other species will blend in just perfectly. All is well.
GREEN-HAIRED EX-DRILL THRALL: You’re leaving?
KIRK: Yeah. Sorry about punching you and stuff.
GREEN-HAIRED EX-DRILL THRALL: Never mind. Just take me with you to the stars you told me so much about so I would let you kiss me.
KIRK: No way! I mean, it’s impossible. For some reason. You also can’t follow me. Never. Just learn what your former tormentors teach you and trust them and all will work out for you, here, very far away from me. Now let me kiss you one more time. You can keep my shirt.
Beam us up, Scotty!
KIRK, UHURA & CHEKOV: *are beamed*
GREEN-HAIRED EX-DRILL THRALL: What the hell just happened? I must get philosophical now. I must also cry over this jackass who just seduced me, punched me and dumped me.
ENTERPRISE: *leaves*
(END CREDITS)
February 27, 2010