Star Trek TOS, Episode 17: Shore Leave
TRAILER
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Stardate: Too long since last shore leave. We picked the first random planet that looked like Earth and found it pretty but full of crack. This doesn’t stop us, however. Secretly fear Bones might be cheating on me with Sulu. Hired samurai to eliminate rival.
Spock thinks this planet is fun. He’s right: There’s villains in funny clothes, people hiding in bushes and airplanes shooting my crew, but there’s also girls and crazy violent men to tear up my shirt, so I’ll certainly enjoy it.
Except that Bones has a little too much fun for my taste and replaced Sulu with the next random girls he found. Hired horse and assassin to have him killed.
Note: If your don't know what CAFARD is, read this. If you do know what it is, read it anyway.
For
gritsinmisery who suggested it.
SHORE LEAVE
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
KIRK: I’m not giving you a captain’s log today. I’m too tired. And my back is kinky.
YEOMAN BARROWS: Let me rub it for you!
KIRK: Oh yes, yes, yes! Give it to me! Harder, Mr. Spock!
BARROWS: You called me by the wrong name. Way to kill the mood, Captain!
KIRK: You sound just like Bones.
SPOCK: We secretly have sex.
SEX: *is no longer secret*
SPOCK: You humans all fail because you need rest and distractions and get CAFARD and stuff. I’m smug in my superiority.
KIRK: *rubs eyes* Not tired yet. But I’ll go to bed anyway and wait for Bones to call me.
-
SULU: Let’s take a walk down this perfectly groomed wilderness together. I am, by the way, shamelessly flirting with you.
MCCOY: The captain needs to come down here or he’ll get CAFARD and die.
SULU: There is a perfectly functional flora on this world and not a single animal. Not even insects. This is not weird at all.
MCCOY: It’s perfect, just like Alice in Wonderland.
SULU: I’ll collect leaves and flowers. *collects leaves and flowers*
WHITE RABBIT: O HAI.
MCCOY: My God! It’s Night of the Lepus all over again!
ALICE: Excuse me! Did you see a large white rabbit wearing the following articles of clothing, which I will describe in detail in case you happened to have come across more than one of the kind?
MCCOY: I won’t talk to you. Leave me alone so I can get over my phobia of large fluffy pets.
ALICE: *leaves*
MCCOY: Sulu!
SULU: Here I am, always ready to save a damsel in distress!
MCCOY: Did you see them?
SULU: No, but I managed to dramatically hop over a fallen trunk on the way here - I even changed directions to do so.
FALLEN TRUNK: *was definitely cut down by the non existent population*
SULU: And now it’s Inappropriate Touching time!
MCCOY: What the hell, I need a break!
(OPENING CREDITS)
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: This is Kirk. I’m recording this log by the power of telepathy while not paying attention to what is being said to me. I also forgot what stardate we have, but no one pays attention to these anyway. Below us is a planet, and it’s pretty. There’s got to be something wrong with it. I will send down my crew on shore leave to find out what.
BARROWS: I see, you cleverly avoid putting yourself in danger by staying on the ship.
KIRK: I’m that clever. That’s why I’m captain. Spock, when will you beam down?
SPOCK: I am first officer and also clever. Also, running up and down hills to preserve energy is not logical.
MCCOY: *calling from planet* Either our research team sucks, or me. I just saw the white rabbit and Alice in wonderland.
KIRK: Lol. Kirk out.
SPOCK: Is it CAFARD?
KIRK: It’s Bones trying to get me down on the planet, but I won’t believe him, and I’ll stay up here like the good, duty-obsessed captain I am. I will now rub my neck to remind everyone that I really, really need a break but am too selfless to take one, despite the fact that there is absolutely nothing for me to do here.
SPOCK: I admire you! You are much better than the annoying crewmember who’s endangering the ship by crankiness and first signs of CAFARD.
KIRK: Send him down then! We can’t have CAFARD on the ship!
SPOCK: Have fun then, Captain. I pwn you.
-
STONE: I can move and pop out random guns.
SENSORS OF THE ENTERPRISE: We suck.
ANGELA: This is lovely. Let’s neglect our duty and bonk in the bushes.
RODRIGUEZ: Only the captain may do any bonking. Wait, didn’t your husband just die on your wedding day like, two episodes ago?
ANGELA: Yes. So as you can see, there’s no one stopping us.
KIRK: *beams down* No one but me! You now have shore leave. Do nothing I would do.
RODRIGUEZ: Speaking of which, McCoy and Sulu are together that way!
KIRK: I’ll send Barrows to break them up. On the way we can randomly flirt.
AREA: *is flat*
ECHO: *is strong*
MCCOY: I can prove I did see a rabbit by these giant footprints left on the completely natural path.
KIRK: I’m still doubtful, because you are suffering from a Bad Horror Movie Trauma and Sulu was collecting specimen and can’t confirm that you didn’t make these traces yourself or something.
MCCOY: Sulu is still collecting specimen.
KIRK: Shore leave is cancelled until we know giant rabbit is harmless.
MCCOY: Giant rabbits are never harmless. However, if you cancel shore leave, CAFARD will get us. Random appearances are no cause for caution.
SHOT: *is heard*
KIRK, MCCOY & BARROWS: *run*
SULU: I found a gun, on this uninhabited planet. Not finding this odd at all, I decided not to mention it and do some target shooting. You were the target.
MCCOY: You missed.
KIRK: Give me the weapon, so I can stick it in my waistband and possibly blow off my balls. Obviously, you are unqualified to handle it.
BARROWS: The rabbit was here.
MISIC: *is suspenseful*
KIRK: That’s nice. You and Sulu go rabbit hunting, I go elsewhere with Bones, doing something. I hope someone on this still assumed uninhabited world finds this funny.
ANTENNAE: *is watching them*
VEGETATION: *has been painted on*
MCCOY: I feel picked on because no one ever fucking believes anything I say.
KIRK: I see the humour in that.
MCCOY: I don’t. This would be a good moment to apologize.
KIRK: When I was at the academy, I had a classmate who always picked on me. He was evil and I never knew when he’d strike next.
APOLOGY: *is not given*
MCCOY: Oh, look! Rabbit traces and footprints of the girl.
KIRK: You go follow the rabbit. I go follow the girl.
MCCOY Fine by me. Just remember she’s underage.
KIRK: Whatever. It is impossible to see any traces in this grass, but who cares?
FINNEGAN: Yo! This is were I strike next. *strikes*
KIRK: The randomness of your appearance is not wroth a mention.
THE WORDS “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE AND WHY HAVEN’T YOU AGED A SINGLE DAY?”: *are not said*
FINNEGAN: This is my chance to establish myself as the most annoying character of all time!
SCREAM: *is heard*
KIRK: I must go find damsel in distress before Sulu steals my job!
BARROWS: I’m a woman. Therefore, I’m hysteric in the face of crazy random happenstances.
KIRK: I wasn’t here, so who tore up your shirt?
BARROWS: Some guy with a dagger.
KIRK: Nothing like that could happen in this place. You’re evidently crazy.
MCCOY: I believe you.
BARROWS: Yay! I just happened to think about how much I’d like to meet that guy when he attacked me. If we already knew that the people on this planet act exactly as we’d expect them to act, this torn up shirt would be very embarrassing. Oh, Sulu ran after him, by the way.
KIRK: Then I shall run after Sulu. And think about sex while I’m at it. Look, this flower reminds me of one of my exes. *is easily distracted*
EX: *appears*
KIRK: Ruth! Your outfit looks as funny as it always has. Nevermind the missing crewman now. Let’s make out!
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Nothing here can be real, but who cares?
KIRK: I’ve lost contact to my men. So there’s nothing here to stop me from spending time with my ex-girlfriend, who happens to be about half my age right now.
MUSIC: *is romantic*
MCCOY: *is on communicator* You found Sulu yet?
KIRK: Who? Oh, right. He’ll be fine. Don’t disturb me, I has girlfriend. *is shitty captain*
MCCOY: You suck, Jim.
RODRIGUEZ: *is on communicator* Here be birds!
KIRK: Nice.
RODRIGUEZ: Here shouldn’t be birds, according to our instruments.
KIRK: Then our instruments fail. Kirk out.
RUTH: Go do your job. I’ll still be here later.
KIRK: Traitorous woman. Oh well.
SPOCK *is on communicator* I call to cockblock you. There’s apparently an industrialised civilisation down there which our scanners so far managed to miss.
KIRK: Investigate that. My brain is still dead.
-
BARROWS: This place creeps me out because of my red shirt.
MCCOY: I like it here. I wear blue.
BARROWS: I want to get rid of the lethal clothes and run around like a princess with a funny hat.
MCCOY: I’d hit that.
BARROWS: In that case, it’s vital I get a dress and a hat. Oh, look at that!
DRESS: *is randomly hanging in tree*
BARROWS: I want to wear this and be a lady worth protecting. This red skirt offers no protection.
MCCOY: Then wear it. At this point, who the fuck cares where it came from?
BARROWS: Okay, but don’t look!
MCCOY: Nothing I haven’t seen yet, dear, but I’ll turn around anyway because I’m not Kirk, who found a young girl while chasing after an even younger girl and forgot about his crew in the process.
RODRIGUEZ: Captain said let’s all meet somewhere.
COMMUNICATION: *fails*
TIGER: O hai. I can has redshirt?
RODRIGUEZ: I’ll call the doctor for help because the captain sucks.
COMMUNICATION: *still fails*
BARROWS: I’m all pretty now.
MCCOY: *secretly thinks the dress looked better on the tree*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
KIRK: We all see strange stuff down here.
SPOCK: You might be hallucinating.
KIRK: The strange stuff punched me in the face.
SPOCK: Fascinating. CAFARD doesn’t do that.
KIRK: No need to beam down armed redshirts, we have phasers here, and it’s all harmless anyway. Oh, there are birds in the sky! Kirk out.
SPOCK: You have the attention span of a cat.
-
SULU: I’m taking a walk through the valley, with my phaser ready.
SAMURAI: Your phaser will not protect you from my sudden attack.
SULU: Shocking, but true. After having tried to shoot you until you basically sat on me, I will now engage escape tactic. *runs*
KIRK: *tries communicator* No one talks to me!
SULU: CAFAAARD! I mean, Samurai. Now he’s gone.
KIRK: Communication fails.
SULU: So do the phasers.
SPOCK: I am beaming down to tell you you should have listened to me in the first place. I didn’t, however, bring backup. Because communicators and phasers don’t work here, beaming seemed like a pretty good idea.
-
MCCOY: Jim and everyone fail at showing up for rendezvous. I don’t care - with them gone I get to be the hero.
-
TIGER: Hungry cat is hungry!
KIRK: Spread out!
SULU: *goes right*
SPOCK: *goes after KIRK*
-
BLACK KNIGHT: I come to ruin your moment of heroism.
MCCOY: This is a hallucination and therefore harmless. Barrows’d better hide behind me anyway.
KIRK& SPOCK: *have returned after doing nothing at all* We come to watch the show!
BLACK KNIGHT: Engage attack mode!
MCCOY: I stand firm in my belief that you cannot hurt me. *dies*
SPOCK: This is a good moment to forget what I just explained about the phasers not working.
KIRK: No, Spock! Don’t shoot the knight! *shoots BLACK KNIGHT with SULU’S weapon of a kind he has never used before* Learning how to handle unknown tools within one second: A useful ability to have.
BARROWS: This is a good moment to become hysterical again.
MCCOY: I’m dead, Jim.
KIRK: *is emo*
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
MUSIC: *doesn’t really care*
-
CAPTAIN’S LOG: It’s official now: This shore leave sucks. Since we had no redshirts down here and Yeoman Barrows has dumped her original clothes, we needed to sacrifice Bones to find that out.
BARROWS: It’s my fault! If only I was still wearing red!
KIRK: Stop crying, bitch! I have more reason to be emo than you, and someone has to start thinking around here.
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
SULU: *popping up from out of nowhere* Captain! The knight is a lie!
KIRK: Fortunately the tricorder is not affected by the energy field that kills all other technological items. Had it over to Spock, because despite the fact that you are carrying the thing, you obviously can’t use it.
SPOCK: This knight is a plant, as are all the plants around us. Being a plant equals being artificially manufactured. I knew that before, but thought it unnecessary to mention. Anyway, they act just as we expect them to act.
-
RODRIGUEZ: This is a great time to tell you about airplanes used during the early world wars.
ANGELA: And this is a perfect moment, upon seeing them in the sky, to ask about how they attack people on the ground, like us.
AIRPLANES: *attack*
ANGELA: *dies without comment*
RODRIGUEZ: Oh no, you can’t be dead! We have no one to declare you so!
-
SULU: In the brief distraction caused by the airplanes, someone stole McCoy’s body and the black knight.
SPOCK: My explanation is not scientific.
KIRK: But Bones being dead is.
SPOCK: It’s CAFARD.
KIRK: Right.
SPOCK: Hallucinations turning real when we think of them.
KIRK: That makes sense. Funny how no one so far noticed a connection between our thinking of things and them showing up that very moment. Like me thinking of Finnegan right now.
FINNEGAN: Yo!
KIRK: I am genuinely shocked to see you!
FINNEGAN: I am still annoying beyond compare. Come and get me!
KIRK: I will! Nevermind that my best friend just died - I have someone completely insignificant to the plot to fool around with, so I will forget all about Bones and the danger to my men and leave all the work to Spock while I run after him to have some fun.
SPOCK: Jim, your recent fail is positively epic.
KIRK: *runs after FINNEGAN*
KIRK & FINNEGAN: *fight*
FIGHT: *goes on* *goes on* *goes on* *goes on*
FINNEGAN: I win because I’m not real and younger, and because you fall for the oldest trick in the book.
KIRK: I can’t believe I gave away an advantage out of concern for a guy I hate and who isn’t even real. My own fail makes me dizzy. *passes out*
FINNEGAN: Lol.
KIRK: *wakes up* I will beat you for answers! We are civilized people.
FIGHT: *continues*
KIRK’S SHIRT: *is torn*
KIRK’S UNDIES: *are showing*
KIRK: You are down, so now I can ask questions.
FINNEGAN: I won’t answer them, because you suck.
MCCOY’S HYPOTHETICAL GHOST: I agree.
KIRK: What are you doing here? Sorry, that question is a bit late. I also didn’t listen to Mr. Spock’s explanation.
FINNEGAN: Let me repeat it: I’m what you expect me to be, Jim-baby.
KIRK: Okay. *knocks out FINNEGAN* I rock!
SPOCK: Whatever. Back to duty, please.
KIRK: But I’m having fun here!
SPOCK: Obviously. I see, your shirt I quite torn.
KIRK: I like it that way. Let me point out what’s going on to make it seem like it was my idea, despite the fact that it’s obvious and was stated three times before: What we think of is created and send to us.
SPOCK: I believe I said that. Twice. Anyway, you may not remember it, but thinking of dangerous things can lead to people getting killed. Knowing this, I will mention the Tiger Rodrigez stupidly thought of.
TIGER: Y halo thar.
KIRK: Good to know I’m not the only one who fails today.
SPOCK: Interesting. I did not think of the chain around its neck.
KIRK: I think it would be time to warn what is left of our landing party. Engage running mode.
SPOCK: Airplanes are shooting at us. Engage Random Hugging Mode.
KIRK: Samurai ahead. We really need to stop thinking about these things.
BARROWS: I give my dress back to the tree. Now it’s all pretty.
EVIL PHANANTASY MAN: I see your own dress was fixed and then torn again on the other side. Let me threaten it some more.
SULU & RODRIGEZ: We come to rescue you!
KIRK: Not necessary. I have already chased him away with the much neglected power of my Awesome. Now everyone listen: Don’t think of anything bad.
EVERYONE: *thinks of something bad*
OLD MAN IN DRESS: Hi!
KIRK: You don’t look evil.
OLD MAN IN DRESS: I’m the caretaker, and I know all of you by name and rank: Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Yeoman and Mister. I would have come before, but despite my omniscience I needed all episode to figure out you have no idea what’s going on here. When you hoped someone found all this funny, captain, I did.
SPOCK: This is an amusement park. People come to play.
KIRK: That makes sense. Wait, I am pissed! My CMO is dead.
MCCOY: Am not. Look, I got fixed in their factory and found two cabaret girls I happened to be thinking of on the way out.
BARROW: Good thing these aren’t real. So I won’t be charged for murder.
CABARET GIRLS: *escape to other men*
ANGELA: I'm back too. Just in case anybody cares.
ANYBODY: *doesn’t care*
CARETAKER: My race is much better than yours. I will avoid getting cut off by the end of the episode by just saying you are too stupid to understand us yet.
SPOCK: I do not understand the girl latched to my arm.
UHURA: *on communicator* There are still shore leave parties on standby.
KIRK: Send them down. We had a horrible time not knowing what’s going on. Let them share the fun!
MCCOY: That’s the spirit! Everyone needs to die at least once in their lives. Not to mention the fun of watching your friends get killed, you know? … Well, I guess you don’t.
KIRK: I had a great time!
SPOCK: And I didn’t. Back to the ship, now!
KIRK: No, I go. You relax.
RUTH: *shows up*
KIRK: On the other hand, you work, I have sex. See you in a couple of days.
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SPOCK: Any signs of CAFARD remaining?
KIRK: Nope. We all had fun.
MCCOY: Yes, we did.
BARROWS: And now it’s time for me to walk out of the picture and never be seen again.
SPOCK: I believe you are all talking about sex. I don’t get it.
EVERYONE: Lol.
ENTERPRISE: *flies off*
(END CREDITS)
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Stardate: Too long since last shore leave. We picked the first random planet that looked like Earth and found it pretty but full of crack. This doesn’t stop us, however. Secretly fear Bones might be cheating on me with Sulu. Hired samurai to eliminate rival.
Spock thinks this planet is fun. He’s right: There’s villains in funny clothes, people hiding in bushes and airplanes shooting my crew, but there’s also girls and crazy violent men to tear up my shirt, so I’ll certainly enjoy it.
Except that Bones has a little too much fun for my taste and replaced Sulu with the next random girls he found. Hired horse and assassin to have him killed.
Note: If your don't know what CAFARD is, read this. If you do know what it is, read it anyway.
For
gritsinmisery who suggested it.
SHORE LEAVE
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
KIRK: I’m not giving you a captain’s log today. I’m too tired. And my back is kinky.
YEOMAN BARROWS: Let me rub it for you!
KIRK: Oh yes, yes, yes! Give it to me! Harder, Mr. Spock!
BARROWS: You called me by the wrong name. Way to kill the mood, Captain!
KIRK: You sound just like Bones.
SPOCK: We secretly have sex.
SEX: *is no longer secret*
SPOCK: You humans all fail because you need rest and distractions and get CAFARD and stuff. I’m smug in my superiority.
KIRK: *rubs eyes* Not tired yet. But I’ll go to bed anyway and wait for Bones to call me.
-
SULU: Let’s take a walk down this perfectly groomed wilderness together. I am, by the way, shamelessly flirting with you.
MCCOY: The captain needs to come down here or he’ll get CAFARD and die.
SULU: There is a perfectly functional flora on this world and not a single animal. Not even insects. This is not weird at all.
MCCOY: It’s perfect, just like Alice in Wonderland.
SULU: I’ll collect leaves and flowers. *collects leaves and flowers*
WHITE RABBIT: O HAI.
MCCOY: My God! It’s Night of the Lepus all over again!
ALICE: Excuse me! Did you see a large white rabbit wearing the following articles of clothing, which I will describe in detail in case you happened to have come across more than one of the kind?
MCCOY: I won’t talk to you. Leave me alone so I can get over my phobia of large fluffy pets.
ALICE: *leaves*
MCCOY: Sulu!
SULU: Here I am, always ready to save a damsel in distress!
MCCOY: Did you see them?
SULU: No, but I managed to dramatically hop over a fallen trunk on the way here - I even changed directions to do so.
FALLEN TRUNK: *was definitely cut down by the non existent population*
SULU: And now it’s Inappropriate Touching time!
MCCOY: What the hell, I need a break!
(OPENING CREDITS)
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: This is Kirk. I’m recording this log by the power of telepathy while not paying attention to what is being said to me. I also forgot what stardate we have, but no one pays attention to these anyway. Below us is a planet, and it’s pretty. There’s got to be something wrong with it. I will send down my crew on shore leave to find out what.
BARROWS: I see, you cleverly avoid putting yourself in danger by staying on the ship.
KIRK: I’m that clever. That’s why I’m captain. Spock, when will you beam down?
SPOCK: I am first officer and also clever. Also, running up and down hills to preserve energy is not logical.
MCCOY: *calling from planet* Either our research team sucks, or me. I just saw the white rabbit and Alice in wonderland.
KIRK: Lol. Kirk out.
SPOCK: Is it CAFARD?
KIRK: It’s Bones trying to get me down on the planet, but I won’t believe him, and I’ll stay up here like the good, duty-obsessed captain I am. I will now rub my neck to remind everyone that I really, really need a break but am too selfless to take one, despite the fact that there is absolutely nothing for me to do here.
SPOCK: I admire you! You are much better than the annoying crewmember who’s endangering the ship by crankiness and first signs of CAFARD.
KIRK: Send him down then! We can’t have CAFARD on the ship!
SPOCK: Have fun then, Captain. I pwn you.
-
STONE: I can move and pop out random guns.
SENSORS OF THE ENTERPRISE: We suck.
ANGELA: This is lovely. Let’s neglect our duty and bonk in the bushes.
RODRIGUEZ: Only the captain may do any bonking. Wait, didn’t your husband just die on your wedding day like, two episodes ago?
ANGELA: Yes. So as you can see, there’s no one stopping us.
KIRK: *beams down* No one but me! You now have shore leave. Do nothing I would do.
RODRIGUEZ: Speaking of which, McCoy and Sulu are together that way!
KIRK: I’ll send Barrows to break them up. On the way we can randomly flirt.
AREA: *is flat*
ECHO: *is strong*
MCCOY: I can prove I did see a rabbit by these giant footprints left on the completely natural path.
KIRK: I’m still doubtful, because you are suffering from a Bad Horror Movie Trauma and Sulu was collecting specimen and can’t confirm that you didn’t make these traces yourself or something.
MCCOY: Sulu is still collecting specimen.
KIRK: Shore leave is cancelled until we know giant rabbit is harmless.
MCCOY: Giant rabbits are never harmless. However, if you cancel shore leave, CAFARD will get us. Random appearances are no cause for caution.
SHOT: *is heard*
KIRK, MCCOY & BARROWS: *run*
SULU: I found a gun, on this uninhabited planet. Not finding this odd at all, I decided not to mention it and do some target shooting. You were the target.
MCCOY: You missed.
KIRK: Give me the weapon, so I can stick it in my waistband and possibly blow off my balls. Obviously, you are unqualified to handle it.
BARROWS: The rabbit was here.
MISIC: *is suspenseful*
KIRK: That’s nice. You and Sulu go rabbit hunting, I go elsewhere with Bones, doing something. I hope someone on this still assumed uninhabited world finds this funny.
ANTENNAE: *is watching them*
VEGETATION: *has been painted on*
MCCOY: I feel picked on because no one ever fucking believes anything I say.
KIRK: I see the humour in that.
MCCOY: I don’t. This would be a good moment to apologize.
KIRK: When I was at the academy, I had a classmate who always picked on me. He was evil and I never knew when he’d strike next.
APOLOGY: *is not given*
MCCOY: Oh, look! Rabbit traces and footprints of the girl.
KIRK: You go follow the rabbit. I go follow the girl.
MCCOY Fine by me. Just remember she’s underage.
KIRK: Whatever. It is impossible to see any traces in this grass, but who cares?
FINNEGAN: Yo! This is were I strike next. *strikes*
KIRK: The randomness of your appearance is not wroth a mention.
THE WORDS “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE AND WHY HAVEN’T YOU AGED A SINGLE DAY?”: *are not said*
FINNEGAN: This is my chance to establish myself as the most annoying character of all time!
SCREAM: *is heard*
KIRK: I must go find damsel in distress before Sulu steals my job!
BARROWS: I’m a woman. Therefore, I’m hysteric in the face of crazy random happenstances.
KIRK: I wasn’t here, so who tore up your shirt?
BARROWS: Some guy with a dagger.
KIRK: Nothing like that could happen in this place. You’re evidently crazy.
MCCOY: I believe you.
BARROWS: Yay! I just happened to think about how much I’d like to meet that guy when he attacked me. If we already knew that the people on this planet act exactly as we’d expect them to act, this torn up shirt would be very embarrassing. Oh, Sulu ran after him, by the way.
KIRK: Then I shall run after Sulu. And think about sex while I’m at it. Look, this flower reminds me of one of my exes. *is easily distracted*
EX: *appears*
KIRK: Ruth! Your outfit looks as funny as it always has. Nevermind the missing crewman now. Let’s make out!
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
CAPTAIN’S LOG: Nothing here can be real, but who cares?
KIRK: I’ve lost contact to my men. So there’s nothing here to stop me from spending time with my ex-girlfriend, who happens to be about half my age right now.
MUSIC: *is romantic*
MCCOY: *is on communicator* You found Sulu yet?
KIRK: Who? Oh, right. He’ll be fine. Don’t disturb me, I has girlfriend. *is shitty captain*
MCCOY: You suck, Jim.
RODRIGUEZ: *is on communicator* Here be birds!
KIRK: Nice.
RODRIGUEZ: Here shouldn’t be birds, according to our instruments.
KIRK: Then our instruments fail. Kirk out.
RUTH: Go do your job. I’ll still be here later.
KIRK: Traitorous woman. Oh well.
SPOCK *is on communicator* I call to cockblock you. There’s apparently an industrialised civilisation down there which our scanners so far managed to miss.
KIRK: Investigate that. My brain is still dead.
-
BARROWS: This place creeps me out because of my red shirt.
MCCOY: I like it here. I wear blue.
BARROWS: I want to get rid of the lethal clothes and run around like a princess with a funny hat.
MCCOY: I’d hit that.
BARROWS: In that case, it’s vital I get a dress and a hat. Oh, look at that!
DRESS: *is randomly hanging in tree*
BARROWS: I want to wear this and be a lady worth protecting. This red skirt offers no protection.
MCCOY: Then wear it. At this point, who the fuck cares where it came from?
BARROWS: Okay, but don’t look!
MCCOY: Nothing I haven’t seen yet, dear, but I’ll turn around anyway because I’m not Kirk, who found a young girl while chasing after an even younger girl and forgot about his crew in the process.
RODRIGUEZ: Captain said let’s all meet somewhere.
COMMUNICATION: *fails*
TIGER: O hai. I can has redshirt?
RODRIGUEZ: I’ll call the doctor for help because the captain sucks.
COMMUNICATION: *still fails*
BARROWS: I’m all pretty now.
MCCOY: *secretly thinks the dress looked better on the tree*
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
KIRK: We all see strange stuff down here.
SPOCK: You might be hallucinating.
KIRK: The strange stuff punched me in the face.
SPOCK: Fascinating. CAFARD doesn’t do that.
KIRK: No need to beam down armed redshirts, we have phasers here, and it’s all harmless anyway. Oh, there are birds in the sky! Kirk out.
SPOCK: You have the attention span of a cat.
-
SULU: I’m taking a walk through the valley, with my phaser ready.
SAMURAI: Your phaser will not protect you from my sudden attack.
SULU: Shocking, but true. After having tried to shoot you until you basically sat on me, I will now engage escape tactic. *runs*
KIRK: *tries communicator* No one talks to me!
SULU: CAFAAARD! I mean, Samurai. Now he’s gone.
KIRK: Communication fails.
SULU: So do the phasers.
SPOCK: I am beaming down to tell you you should have listened to me in the first place. I didn’t, however, bring backup. Because communicators and phasers don’t work here, beaming seemed like a pretty good idea.
-
MCCOY: Jim and everyone fail at showing up for rendezvous. I don’t care - with them gone I get to be the hero.
-
TIGER: Hungry cat is hungry!
KIRK: Spread out!
SULU: *goes right*
SPOCK: *goes after KIRK*
-
BLACK KNIGHT: I come to ruin your moment of heroism.
MCCOY: This is a hallucination and therefore harmless. Barrows’d better hide behind me anyway.
KIRK& SPOCK: *have returned after doing nothing at all* We come to watch the show!
BLACK KNIGHT: Engage attack mode!
MCCOY: I stand firm in my belief that you cannot hurt me. *dies*
SPOCK: This is a good moment to forget what I just explained about the phasers not working.
KIRK: No, Spock! Don’t shoot the knight! *shoots BLACK KNIGHT with SULU’S weapon of a kind he has never used before* Learning how to handle unknown tools within one second: A useful ability to have.
BARROWS: This is a good moment to become hysterical again.
MCCOY: I’m dead, Jim.
KIRK: *is emo*
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
MUSIC: *doesn’t really care*
-
CAPTAIN’S LOG: It’s official now: This shore leave sucks. Since we had no redshirts down here and Yeoman Barrows has dumped her original clothes, we needed to sacrifice Bones to find that out.
BARROWS: It’s my fault! If only I was still wearing red!
KIRK: Stop crying, bitch! I have more reason to be emo than you, and someone has to start thinking around here.
SPOCK: *is secretly emo*
SULU: *popping up from out of nowhere* Captain! The knight is a lie!
KIRK: Fortunately the tricorder is not affected by the energy field that kills all other technological items. Had it over to Spock, because despite the fact that you are carrying the thing, you obviously can’t use it.
SPOCK: This knight is a plant, as are all the plants around us. Being a plant equals being artificially manufactured. I knew that before, but thought it unnecessary to mention. Anyway, they act just as we expect them to act.
-
RODRIGUEZ: This is a great time to tell you about airplanes used during the early world wars.
ANGELA: And this is a perfect moment, upon seeing them in the sky, to ask about how they attack people on the ground, like us.
AIRPLANES: *attack*
ANGELA: *dies without comment*
RODRIGUEZ: Oh no, you can’t be dead! We have no one to declare you so!
-
SULU: In the brief distraction caused by the airplanes, someone stole McCoy’s body and the black knight.
SPOCK: My explanation is not scientific.
KIRK: But Bones being dead is.
SPOCK: It’s CAFARD.
KIRK: Right.
SPOCK: Hallucinations turning real when we think of them.
KIRK: That makes sense. Funny how no one so far noticed a connection between our thinking of things and them showing up that very moment. Like me thinking of Finnegan right now.
FINNEGAN: Yo!
KIRK: I am genuinely shocked to see you!
FINNEGAN: I am still annoying beyond compare. Come and get me!
KIRK: I will! Nevermind that my best friend just died - I have someone completely insignificant to the plot to fool around with, so I will forget all about Bones and the danger to my men and leave all the work to Spock while I run after him to have some fun.
SPOCK: Jim, your recent fail is positively epic.
KIRK: *runs after FINNEGAN*
KIRK & FINNEGAN: *fight*
FIGHT: *goes on* *goes on* *goes on* *goes on*
FINNEGAN: I win because I’m not real and younger, and because you fall for the oldest trick in the book.
KIRK: I can’t believe I gave away an advantage out of concern for a guy I hate and who isn’t even real. My own fail makes me dizzy. *passes out*
FINNEGAN: Lol.
KIRK: *wakes up* I will beat you for answers! We are civilized people.
FIGHT: *continues*
KIRK’S SHIRT: *is torn*
KIRK’S UNDIES: *are showing*
KIRK: You are down, so now I can ask questions.
FINNEGAN: I won’t answer them, because you suck.
MCCOY’S HYPOTHETICAL GHOST: I agree.
KIRK: What are you doing here? Sorry, that question is a bit late. I also didn’t listen to Mr. Spock’s explanation.
FINNEGAN: Let me repeat it: I’m what you expect me to be, Jim-baby.
KIRK: Okay. *knocks out FINNEGAN* I rock!
SPOCK: Whatever. Back to duty, please.
KIRK: But I’m having fun here!
SPOCK: Obviously. I see, your shirt I quite torn.
KIRK: I like it that way. Let me point out what’s going on to make it seem like it was my idea, despite the fact that it’s obvious and was stated three times before: What we think of is created and send to us.
SPOCK: I believe I said that. Twice. Anyway, you may not remember it, but thinking of dangerous things can lead to people getting killed. Knowing this, I will mention the Tiger Rodrigez stupidly thought of.
TIGER: Y halo thar.
KIRK: Good to know I’m not the only one who fails today.
SPOCK: Interesting. I did not think of the chain around its neck.
KIRK: I think it would be time to warn what is left of our landing party. Engage running mode.
SPOCK: Airplanes are shooting at us. Engage Random Hugging Mode.
KIRK: Samurai ahead. We really need to stop thinking about these things.
BARROWS: I give my dress back to the tree. Now it’s all pretty.
EVIL PHANANTASY MAN: I see your own dress was fixed and then torn again on the other side. Let me threaten it some more.
SULU & RODRIGEZ: We come to rescue you!
KIRK: Not necessary. I have already chased him away with the much neglected power of my Awesome. Now everyone listen: Don’t think of anything bad.
EVERYONE: *thinks of something bad*
OLD MAN IN DRESS: Hi!
KIRK: You don’t look evil.
OLD MAN IN DRESS: I’m the caretaker, and I know all of you by name and rank: Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Yeoman and Mister. I would have come before, but despite my omniscience I needed all episode to figure out you have no idea what’s going on here. When you hoped someone found all this funny, captain, I did.
SPOCK: This is an amusement park. People come to play.
KIRK: That makes sense. Wait, I am pissed! My CMO is dead.
MCCOY: Am not. Look, I got fixed in their factory and found two cabaret girls I happened to be thinking of on the way out.
BARROW: Good thing these aren’t real. So I won’t be charged for murder.
CABARET GIRLS: *escape to other men*
ANGELA: I'm back too. Just in case anybody cares.
ANYBODY: *doesn’t care*
CARETAKER: My race is much better than yours. I will avoid getting cut off by the end of the episode by just saying you are too stupid to understand us yet.
SPOCK: I do not understand the girl latched to my arm.
UHURA: *on communicator* There are still shore leave parties on standby.
KIRK: Send them down. We had a horrible time not knowing what’s going on. Let them share the fun!
MCCOY: That’s the spirit! Everyone needs to die at least once in their lives. Not to mention the fun of watching your friends get killed, you know? … Well, I guess you don’t.
KIRK: I had a great time!
SPOCK: And I didn’t. Back to the ship, now!
KIRK: No, I go. You relax.
RUTH: *shows up*
KIRK: On the other hand, you work, I have sex. See you in a couple of days.
-
ENTERPRISE: *is in orbit*
SPOCK: Any signs of CAFARD remaining?
KIRK: Nope. We all had fun.
MCCOY: Yes, we did.
BARROWS: And now it’s time for me to walk out of the picture and never be seen again.
SPOCK: I believe you are all talking about sex. I don’t get it.
EVERYONE: Lol.
ENTERPRISE: *flies off*
(END CREDITS)