(no subject)
So - I haven't posted anything in a long time, and no one reads this anyway, so i guess it doesn't matter. This was cool for a while, but once we got facebook i guess everyone switched over and this dried up without feedback, at least among the people i knew.
I'm in Louisiana now, and I'm amazing lonely. It's a pathetic - watch an entire season of a show in one day - type of loneliness, but it's somewhat satisfying too - the type of thing that keeps me from wanting to meet people. I prefer to stay in my room with the roommates are in the kitchen talking, and slipping out quickly when they're quiet to get some food and retreat back into this little box to wallow in the loneliness.
I met a guy and his name is Kelvin. He helps fuel the loneliness by hanging out after class just long enough to remind me that human contact might be something worth holding onto, but he's busy and never offers anything to help fill all of this time.
The people from home are starting to annoy me. My family feels bad for me and they call and text too much. It's distracting and makes me feel like a failure - this was supposed to be a fresh start and a great opportunity and i'm just rotting away at this desk and not going out and embracing this new life. Amanda has been wonderful, as she was when she was at longwood. It's always great to be able to talk to her, even if it's only for a minute.
I'm profoundly disappointed in Carlos. He stopped responding to phone calls, texts, and instant messages. We had such a great summer together and he was adamant about keeping up with each other and remaining friends in spite of the ridiculous distance. There weren't many days during the summer that we didn't talk at least a little and I had more fun with him than I have with any other guy I've been involved with. It didn't matter that we weren't together - he still took me places and let me get to know his friends. I miss him physically too - it's not so much a sexual thing but I miss being touched. I miss the way he held me and touched my hair, even after i disappointed him by cutting "too much" of it off. I even sort of miss the way I would sit and watch girls flirt with him and know that I was the one going home with him. And then the memories get mixed up and I go back to watching movies with my head on kyshawn's chest and his arm around my waist. He's abandoned me too, but I guess he was never really there for me, or at least he tried not to be.
In a way, I don't want to meet new people. I didn't feel like this back at home, but now I feel like if I make new friends or become interested in a new guy I'm trying to replace people that I don't want to lose and I walk around with a lump in my throat.
So the only thing I know to do is to clean obsessively, cook meals without having anyone to share them with and keep practicing conjugating Latin verbs and listening for intervals. Maybe the memories will become less painful without fading away. Maybe someone will make an effort to be my friend. I just don't have the energy for it.
I'm in Louisiana now, and I'm amazing lonely. It's a pathetic - watch an entire season of a show in one day - type of loneliness, but it's somewhat satisfying too - the type of thing that keeps me from wanting to meet people. I prefer to stay in my room with the roommates are in the kitchen talking, and slipping out quickly when they're quiet to get some food and retreat back into this little box to wallow in the loneliness.
I met a guy and his name is Kelvin. He helps fuel the loneliness by hanging out after class just long enough to remind me that human contact might be something worth holding onto, but he's busy and never offers anything to help fill all of this time.
The people from home are starting to annoy me. My family feels bad for me and they call and text too much. It's distracting and makes me feel like a failure - this was supposed to be a fresh start and a great opportunity and i'm just rotting away at this desk and not going out and embracing this new life. Amanda has been wonderful, as she was when she was at longwood. It's always great to be able to talk to her, even if it's only for a minute.
I'm profoundly disappointed in Carlos. He stopped responding to phone calls, texts, and instant messages. We had such a great summer together and he was adamant about keeping up with each other and remaining friends in spite of the ridiculous distance. There weren't many days during the summer that we didn't talk at least a little and I had more fun with him than I have with any other guy I've been involved with. It didn't matter that we weren't together - he still took me places and let me get to know his friends. I miss him physically too - it's not so much a sexual thing but I miss being touched. I miss the way he held me and touched my hair, even after i disappointed him by cutting "too much" of it off. I even sort of miss the way I would sit and watch girls flirt with him and know that I was the one going home with him. And then the memories get mixed up and I go back to watching movies with my head on kyshawn's chest and his arm around my waist. He's abandoned me too, but I guess he was never really there for me, or at least he tried not to be.
In a way, I don't want to meet new people. I didn't feel like this back at home, but now I feel like if I make new friends or become interested in a new guy I'm trying to replace people that I don't want to lose and I walk around with a lump in my throat.
So the only thing I know to do is to clean obsessively, cook meals without having anyone to share them with and keep practicing conjugating Latin verbs and listening for intervals. Maybe the memories will become less painful without fading away. Maybe someone will make an effort to be my friend. I just don't have the energy for it.