I wouldn't want to go messing anything up...
Ugh. I just re-read everything on this entry, and the previous few. I'm such a freaky, creepy kid sometimes with my weird extreme feelings for such little things. Oh i know, i can't really help how i feel...but...wow. i don't know, these just aren't me completely, more myself during those distressed times when you're frantic and flinging your limbs about, trying to get a gasp of air in before you fall under the surface again.
ah well. much love to those who read these <3
-psycho josho
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It's funny, by now i'm sober. So, don't consider this another ramble of drunken idiocy. Plus, i'm pretty fucking literate when i'm drunk, so, either way I don't think the quality of my writing overly changes; aside from the mood of it all.
Well, lets be completely honest, it's not like if he read this I would honestly give a shit. By the time he would get to the end of this journal he'd freak and run, which is perfectly fine (LIES!).
I have a crush on a popular, closet case "bisexual" who prefers guys...yet has never been with a guy before in any aspect of that really, and says he's sick of girls. What this means is...unfortunately not beyond me. Or at least the options of such are within my grasp, though i dislike touching all of them. This won't end in anything good, unless a strange sort of "miracle" happens, but it won't...I knew the second we started talking, my inner voice (haha if you believe in something like that) said, " josh, this isn't gonna go anywhere except down a road that you really, really want to avoid, trust me" to which i replied " fuck you, i'm not going to admit this to myself yet, but, it's not actually the guy that matters really...i don't know him, i have yet to really get to know him or grasp who he is..it's more what he stands for, the possibility for ending these feelings...for ending the main aspect in my life that i derive the most pain from, destroying the hatred that i've come to an uneasy balance within myself, pretending that for a while we can die holding hands, true romance at its best, so just leave me alone for a while mister, and let me pretend..". You see though, in my naive ways and self caused illusions i missed what i denied myself. That it's not the boy that i'm truly caught by (don't think that i'm not interested in him, there's more to him than the outside has to tell...there's something "special", perhaps i'm fooling myself again with that, but christ i want to know what it is...i want to drown in it and bring myself back to life after wards..). We've met once (more evidence to my lack of sense in this situation, ie - falling way too hard too fast for no reason at all), and that didn't go as well as it could have...i was too quiet, too shy, too everything that's bad. Fucked up how i spoke (not that i was overly skilled in speaking in the first place, but this was just awful) just...fucked it all up, i'm sure. Then again, i might just be cynical.
You know what i did the other day before going to the stampede and having Will throw himself at my rocks time and time again, sometimes i really feel sorry for him when he does that...he means well, i suppose. But before i left, you know what i did? I confessed my liking for him on msn just before i signed off, not letting him get any words in at all. INSTANT REGRET IN A CAN! not because i told him, but because i left right afterwards...anyway, we talked a little today, he didn't mention it all. I think he thinks i'm a moronic psychopath who has major issues of the scary kind.
Yet a few days earlier, we confirmed at the very least a mutual physical attraction, not that it matters but still. Time and time again i make an ass of myself. What to do, what to do. Ugh...i'm butchering this situation to a pulp...but i can't stop thinking about it, i can't be indifferent to it...no matter how hard i try. It's disgusting, i'm crazy..even though that word means nothing. NOTHING.
I'm a fool for falling so hard, i'm a fool for worrying about this so much, i'm a fool for making a fool of myself and making it crystal clear to him that i'm more or less trying way too hard. But...fuck...i hate this game. i hate it. i hate falling for the wrong guys, or maybe the right guys at the wrong time, i hate falling...i hate all of this. i can't stand it, this perpetual cycle that is happening for the first time. "You deserve someone better...you deserve the best, you deserve someone who'll throw themselves to your mercy, you deserve someone beautiful, smart, witty, intelligent, sexy, funny, caring, outgoing, you deserve the fucking world!" i hear it sometimes, and sometimes i really believe it. Throw on those pumas, put your black hair to the side and the world is yours! haha, oh, if everyone thought like you things would be easy. but where's the fun in that? oooh there'd be plenty of fun in that, i'm tired of this life.
i don't mean that in a suicidal reference, i mean it...oh...i don't know. i'm tired of being a lonely gay teenager. i know far more or worse off, but i'm not them and they're not me so fucking deal with it. I'm selfish in that aspect, but who the hell isn't? We're all self absorbed and rarely give attention to others, it's human after all, yet we expect all the attention.
Ugh...
I love/hate being a romantic, a thinker, a believer in something "better", and i especially love/hate being a dreamer.
Just tell me to fuck off and die, or open up your arms. This in between place is going to drive me insane.
ah well. much love to those who read these <3
-psycho josho
--------------------------------------------------------------------
It's funny, by now i'm sober. So, don't consider this another ramble of drunken idiocy. Plus, i'm pretty fucking literate when i'm drunk, so, either way I don't think the quality of my writing overly changes; aside from the mood of it all.
Well, lets be completely honest, it's not like if he read this I would honestly give a shit. By the time he would get to the end of this journal he'd freak and run, which is perfectly fine (LIES!).
I have a crush on a popular, closet case "bisexual" who prefers guys...yet has never been with a guy before in any aspect of that really, and says he's sick of girls. What this means is...unfortunately not beyond me. Or at least the options of such are within my grasp, though i dislike touching all of them. This won't end in anything good, unless a strange sort of "miracle" happens, but it won't...I knew the second we started talking, my inner voice (haha if you believe in something like that) said, " josh, this isn't gonna go anywhere except down a road that you really, really want to avoid, trust me" to which i replied " fuck you, i'm not going to admit this to myself yet, but, it's not actually the guy that matters really...i don't know him, i have yet to really get to know him or grasp who he is..it's more what he stands for, the possibility for ending these feelings...for ending the main aspect in my life that i derive the most pain from, destroying the hatred that i've come to an uneasy balance within myself, pretending that for a while we can die holding hands, true romance at its best, so just leave me alone for a while mister, and let me pretend..". You see though, in my naive ways and self caused illusions i missed what i denied myself. That it's not the boy that i'm truly caught by (don't think that i'm not interested in him, there's more to him than the outside has to tell...there's something "special", perhaps i'm fooling myself again with that, but christ i want to know what it is...i want to drown in it and bring myself back to life after wards..). We've met once (more evidence to my lack of sense in this situation, ie - falling way too hard too fast for no reason at all), and that didn't go as well as it could have...i was too quiet, too shy, too everything that's bad. Fucked up how i spoke (not that i was overly skilled in speaking in the first place, but this was just awful) just...fucked it all up, i'm sure. Then again, i might just be cynical.
You know what i did the other day before going to the stampede and having Will throw himself at my rocks time and time again, sometimes i really feel sorry for him when he does that...he means well, i suppose. But before i left, you know what i did? I confessed my liking for him on msn just before i signed off, not letting him get any words in at all. INSTANT REGRET IN A CAN! not because i told him, but because i left right afterwards...anyway, we talked a little today, he didn't mention it all. I think he thinks i'm a moronic psychopath who has major issues of the scary kind.
Yet a few days earlier, we confirmed at the very least a mutual physical attraction, not that it matters but still. Time and time again i make an ass of myself. What to do, what to do. Ugh...i'm butchering this situation to a pulp...but i can't stop thinking about it, i can't be indifferent to it...no matter how hard i try. It's disgusting, i'm crazy..even though that word means nothing. NOTHING.
I'm a fool for falling so hard, i'm a fool for worrying about this so much, i'm a fool for making a fool of myself and making it crystal clear to him that i'm more or less trying way too hard. But...fuck...i hate this game. i hate it. i hate falling for the wrong guys, or maybe the right guys at the wrong time, i hate falling...i hate all of this. i can't stand it, this perpetual cycle that is happening for the first time. "You deserve someone better...you deserve the best, you deserve someone who'll throw themselves to your mercy, you deserve someone beautiful, smart, witty, intelligent, sexy, funny, caring, outgoing, you deserve the fucking world!" i hear it sometimes, and sometimes i really believe it. Throw on those pumas, put your black hair to the side and the world is yours! haha, oh, if everyone thought like you things would be easy. but where's the fun in that? oooh there'd be plenty of fun in that, i'm tired of this life.
i don't mean that in a suicidal reference, i mean it...oh...i don't know. i'm tired of being a lonely gay teenager. i know far more or worse off, but i'm not them and they're not me so fucking deal with it. I'm selfish in that aspect, but who the hell isn't? We're all self absorbed and rarely give attention to others, it's human after all, yet we expect all the attention.
Ugh...
I love/hate being a romantic, a thinker, a believer in something "better", and i especially love/hate being a dreamer.
Just tell me to fuck off and die, or open up your arms. This in between place is going to drive me insane.