I just needed to get this out.
For the record: I am not depressed. I think I would know. I mean, I've been depressed before, so, I know how to spot it. The morbid daily thoughts of suicide and self-harm are a big tip-off. I'm not having those. Even though some things have been going wrong in the past few months, I haven't thought of killing myself or cried for hours about them. I've just kind of rolled them off my shoulders and reminded myself: things will work out eventually. They always do. Sometimes not how you thought. Either way, it just takes time.
Yes, I do occasionally have poor control of my anxiety. I stress more than the normal person. But I've always been this way. I can remember being 10 or 11 years old and my mother being five minutes later getting home from work than usual would have me instantly thinking she was dead in her car in a ditch somewhere due to a horrific accident and the police just hadn't called yet. Not exactly the picture of mental health but my father can be the same way, at times. So, I get it honest. Yes, lately I've been stressing hard because I'm trying to work out moving apartments and it's been causing Chris and I to argue and my hours at work have been all over the place, etc, etc. I could handle this stress better. I'm trying to. But here's the thing - I haven't been this badly stressed out constantly for the last four entire years.
Four years. That's how long I've been complaining about being tired all the time. That's how long I've been complaining about being in pain. In that time, the pain has grown to a nigh daily experience. It's become something I now just accept as the norm. At first it was just my neck. Then it was my hands. Followed by my knees and my hips. Now my entire spine feels like a tangle of knots. My wrists hurt and wear out just trying to do the dishes. Even my elbows and ankles are occasionally ache-y. Might as well include my shins and and calves too. There's not a single place on my body that I haven't woken up to hurting at least once. I almost started crying tonight in the kitchen trying to clean so Chris could make dinner. The other day I woke up and went to work with knee pain so awful just standing was task in itself. I sometimes wonder if they hurt this bad at 22, how I will be able to walk at 40.
I typically sleep ten hours at night and still feel the need to nap for one to four hours in the afternoon. I've tried sleeping less. I've tried just napping frequently. I've tried cutting out caffeine, I've tried taking caffeine pills. Still, I wake up feeling rested maybe one out of every thirty days or so. I'm am nearly always tired, could almost always sleep. I remember days in Chicago, riding on the train, feeling so weak I could barely hold my own weight up to stand. I remember going to class after getting a full nights sleep and drinking an energy drink and still being unable to hold my eyes open twenty minutes after sitting down.
In four years I have lived in different climates. I have tried multivitamins and supplements. I have tried more sleep, less sleep. More exercise, less exercise. I was vegetarian for almost 3 years. I've done school+work, I've done no school, no work. I've been happy. I've been depressed. I've been stressed and I've been carefree. Everything has changed and fluctuated except for my pain.
So, why has every doctor I've spoken to about this told me I either a) just need to taken vitamins b) am too stressed/depressed c) there's nothing wrong with me.
Well, you know what, I've tried you're suggestions, Doctors. And here's my bottom line: I don't care if you're tests say my thyroid is fine, my blood sugar is fine, my iron is fine. I don't care that I'm only twenty-two years old and none of the other things you might test for would affect someone so young. I don't care if I have no visible swelling. Etc, etc, etc.
SOMETHING. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME.
I am not in pain because I am stressed and depressed. But this daily fucking pain and fatigue is getting pretty fucking stressful and depressing, in itself.
Yes, I do occasionally have poor control of my anxiety. I stress more than the normal person. But I've always been this way. I can remember being 10 or 11 years old and my mother being five minutes later getting home from work than usual would have me instantly thinking she was dead in her car in a ditch somewhere due to a horrific accident and the police just hadn't called yet. Not exactly the picture of mental health but my father can be the same way, at times. So, I get it honest. Yes, lately I've been stressing hard because I'm trying to work out moving apartments and it's been causing Chris and I to argue and my hours at work have been all over the place, etc, etc. I could handle this stress better. I'm trying to. But here's the thing - I haven't been this badly stressed out constantly for the last four entire years.
Four years. That's how long I've been complaining about being tired all the time. That's how long I've been complaining about being in pain. In that time, the pain has grown to a nigh daily experience. It's become something I now just accept as the norm. At first it was just my neck. Then it was my hands. Followed by my knees and my hips. Now my entire spine feels like a tangle of knots. My wrists hurt and wear out just trying to do the dishes. Even my elbows and ankles are occasionally ache-y. Might as well include my shins and and calves too. There's not a single place on my body that I haven't woken up to hurting at least once. I almost started crying tonight in the kitchen trying to clean so Chris could make dinner. The other day I woke up and went to work with knee pain so awful just standing was task in itself. I sometimes wonder if they hurt this bad at 22, how I will be able to walk at 40.
I typically sleep ten hours at night and still feel the need to nap for one to four hours in the afternoon. I've tried sleeping less. I've tried just napping frequently. I've tried cutting out caffeine, I've tried taking caffeine pills. Still, I wake up feeling rested maybe one out of every thirty days or so. I'm am nearly always tired, could almost always sleep. I remember days in Chicago, riding on the train, feeling so weak I could barely hold my own weight up to stand. I remember going to class after getting a full nights sleep and drinking an energy drink and still being unable to hold my eyes open twenty minutes after sitting down.
In four years I have lived in different climates. I have tried multivitamins and supplements. I have tried more sleep, less sleep. More exercise, less exercise. I was vegetarian for almost 3 years. I've done school+work, I've done no school, no work. I've been happy. I've been depressed. I've been stressed and I've been carefree. Everything has changed and fluctuated except for my pain.
So, why has every doctor I've spoken to about this told me I either a) just need to taken vitamins b) am too stressed/depressed c) there's nothing wrong with me.
Well, you know what, I've tried you're suggestions, Doctors. And here's my bottom line: I don't care if you're tests say my thyroid is fine, my blood sugar is fine, my iron is fine. I don't care that I'm only twenty-two years old and none of the other things you might test for would affect someone so young. I don't care if I have no visible swelling. Etc, etc, etc.
SOMETHING. IS. WRONG. WITH. ME.
I am not in pain because I am stressed and depressed. But this daily fucking pain and fatigue is getting pretty fucking stressful and depressing, in itself.