Random Fic
Another one to make life partner giggle....
The bar was closing, but that was okay. Ville was quite drunk and he was dragging his equally intoxicated lover home with the intent of fucking him silly. Plus, they had booze at home.
Driving through the middle of no where, Bam kept one foot over the brakes. It was dark, making it hard to see, and Ville’s head was in his lap, making it hard to concentrate. Bam paid less and less attention to the road, moaning and panting. “Road head kicks ass.” He followed the road, trusting instinct to get them home.
When Ville was through, he sat up and looked around. “Shouldn’t we be home by now?” It was hard to tell where they were; all the back roads through the woods looked the same.
Slowing, Bam peered uncertainly through the windshield. “Uhm… I dunno. Does this look like the way home?”
“How should I know? It’s your home.” Ville looked out the window. “I think there’s someone out there.”
“Where?”
“In the woods.”
Bam frowned. “Don’t be stupid. Why would there be someone in the woods at three in the morning?”
“I don’t- Watch out!” Ville yelled and braced himself as Bam swerved to barely avoid hitting.. whatever it was that ran in front of the car. “You almost hit that man!”
“Dude, it was a bear.” Bam stopped the car and glanced over at his boyfriend. “Why the hell would there be a man running in front of cars, in the woods, at three in the morning?”
Ville raised an eyebrow. “And do you get many bears launching themselves at cars in this area, sweetheart?” He squinted a bit, trying to see in the dark. “I wonder if you clipped him.”
“It was way too big to be a dude, man.” Bam frowned, seeing two bobbing lights getting closer.
A tall man with brown hair and no real expression on his face hurried up to the car. He held up a badge. “FBI. Have you seen a large, hairy creature-“
“Man, Mulder. It was a man.” A short woman with red hair caught up to the man and flashed her badge as well. They wore nearly identical trench coats. “We’re pursuing a large, admittedly.. hirsute suspect.”
“What the fuck?” Bam looked bemused. “If he’s Mulder, are you gonna tell me you’re Scully?”
“Yes, how did you-“
“And wait, let me guess… You’re chasing Big Foot.”
Mulder looked excited. “You’ve seen him?”
Ville threw his hands up. “Fucking hell, Bam! You’re driven us clear into the wrong story. And we were headed for some good smut, too.”
“Yeah, well, if you hadn’t been distracting me, we’d be home humping right now.”
“Didn’t hear you complaining, love.”
Scully cleared her throat and spoke up. “Sirs, if you have seen our suspect, and refuse to tell us where he went, we can arrest you for obstruction of justice-“
“Big Foot went that way.” Bam flung a finger towards the woods, watching the two agents rush off. “How the hell did we get into an X-File fic?”
Ville shrugged. “You must have took one hell of a wrong turn, Bammie boy.” He lit a cigarette, glaring as Bam started laughing. “What’s so funny?”
“Dude… You’re seriously the Cigarette Smoking Man right now.” Bam continued to laugh as Ville rolled his eyes.
“Would you please get us out of here before something else bizarre happens?”
Bam snickered. “Sure, babe. Just don’t send your alien clones after me.” Still laughing, he did a K-turn and headed back the way they came. “Well, what the fuck happened to the author?”
“What do you mean?”
“The author. They’re supposed to keep this sort of thing from happening. I mean, someone must be slacking off pretty hardcore if we ended up in an X-Files story.”
Ville just sighed and continued smoking. “I don’t care what happened.” Suddenly, he sat up straight. “If we’re here, does that mean someone else is having our shag?”
Bam shrugged. “Who knows? I think we go this way.” He turned down a road identical to the one they were already on.
“You know, this sucks. We aren’t meant to worry about this rubbish.” Ville huffed, tossing his cigarette out the window. “Authors gone mad, ending up in the wrong bloody fic... You know what’ll turn up next, don’t you… Those psychos who try to kill you with the Evil Spork.”
“Spork of Doom, and that was someone else’s fic.”
“This is someone else’s fic!”
“Settle down, babe.” Bam drove slowly, high beams on. He stepped on the brakes, seeing several tall men, trying (unsuccessfully) to blend into the woods. “For the love of cum, what now?”
“We are the Knights Who Say Ni! You shall not pass. Unless you bring us (insert dramatic pause here) a shrubbery!”
“Oh, hell no!” Bam spun around, tires squealing. He sped away while Ville screamed the word ‘it’ over and over out the window.
Ville caught his breath, smirking. “I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore, BamBam.”
“Don’t give them any ideas.”
“Them who, love?”
Bam shrugged. “Them. You know, the invisible, ubiquitous They.”
“That’s a five dollar word, Bammie.”
“Yeah, and hell if I know what it means. This fic is out of control.”
Nodding in agreement, Ville lit another cigarette. “Well, better Monty Python than Red Dwarf.” He snickered. “Or Mr. Bean.”
Bam frowned a bit. “Do people actually write Mr. Bean stories?” He stopped at a fork in the road. “Left or right.”
“Left.” Ville put one foot on the dashboard. “What do you think it’ll be this time?”
“I dunno, but if we hit a Jackass story, I’m stayin put,” Bam grumbled. “Close e-fuckin-nough.”
“Hmm, would that mean I’d get to have two of you?” Ville mused. “Delicious. Aim for one of those, then.”
Rolling his eyes, Bam stayed on the lookout for weird characters. “Perv. Now we’ll probably end up in the middle of 7th Heaven or some shit.”
Suddenly, a body was slammed onto the hood of the car. They stared at the deformed face, complete with fangs, for a second before a skinny blonde girl came out of no where.
Bam and Ville watched the fight, which seemed centered on bad puns and dialogue trying hard (and failing miserably) to be witty.
“Is she mad because he’s a vampire, or because he has no sense of dramatic timing?” Ville whispered.
“I thought it was because the writers of this show suck so much ass.”
Buffy and the vampire turned to look at them. “Who are you to go all Siskel and Ebert on our writers?” They started advancing.
Bam glanced over at his lover. “What do you think?”
“Barge ‘em.”
The Hummer jumped forward, mowing down both vampire and slayer with little more than a scream and twin thuds.
“Excellent.” Ville sat back with a smile. “I say any one else we see, we- Oh, my god!” Reaching over to grab the wheel, he tugged hard, swerving and connecting with a body. “Yes!”
“Who the fuck was that?”
“Britney Spears.”
Bam gagged. “Good shot, babe.” He followed a curve in the road, and suddenly there stood Castle Bam. “Oh, thank god.”
Ville sighed in relief. “Is it our one, do you think?”
“I don’t care.” Bam parked and looked at Ville. “Seriously, if it’s one of those fuckin AU things, I say we kill off our alter egos and take over.”
“I say you’re never getting road head from me again.”
The bar was closing, but that was okay. Ville was quite drunk and he was dragging his equally intoxicated lover home with the intent of fucking him silly. Plus, they had booze at home.
Driving through the middle of no where, Bam kept one foot over the brakes. It was dark, making it hard to see, and Ville’s head was in his lap, making it hard to concentrate. Bam paid less and less attention to the road, moaning and panting. “Road head kicks ass.” He followed the road, trusting instinct to get them home.
When Ville was through, he sat up and looked around. “Shouldn’t we be home by now?” It was hard to tell where they were; all the back roads through the woods looked the same.
Slowing, Bam peered uncertainly through the windshield. “Uhm… I dunno. Does this look like the way home?”
“How should I know? It’s your home.” Ville looked out the window. “I think there’s someone out there.”
“Where?”
“In the woods.”
Bam frowned. “Don’t be stupid. Why would there be someone in the woods at three in the morning?”
“I don’t- Watch out!” Ville yelled and braced himself as Bam swerved to barely avoid hitting.. whatever it was that ran in front of the car. “You almost hit that man!”
“Dude, it was a bear.” Bam stopped the car and glanced over at his boyfriend. “Why the hell would there be a man running in front of cars, in the woods, at three in the morning?”
Ville raised an eyebrow. “And do you get many bears launching themselves at cars in this area, sweetheart?” He squinted a bit, trying to see in the dark. “I wonder if you clipped him.”
“It was way too big to be a dude, man.” Bam frowned, seeing two bobbing lights getting closer.
A tall man with brown hair and no real expression on his face hurried up to the car. He held up a badge. “FBI. Have you seen a large, hairy creature-“
“Man, Mulder. It was a man.” A short woman with red hair caught up to the man and flashed her badge as well. They wore nearly identical trench coats. “We’re pursuing a large, admittedly.. hirsute suspect.”
“What the fuck?” Bam looked bemused. “If he’s Mulder, are you gonna tell me you’re Scully?”
“Yes, how did you-“
“And wait, let me guess… You’re chasing Big Foot.”
Mulder looked excited. “You’ve seen him?”
Ville threw his hands up. “Fucking hell, Bam! You’re driven us clear into the wrong story. And we were headed for some good smut, too.”
“Yeah, well, if you hadn’t been distracting me, we’d be home humping right now.”
“Didn’t hear you complaining, love.”
Scully cleared her throat and spoke up. “Sirs, if you have seen our suspect, and refuse to tell us where he went, we can arrest you for obstruction of justice-“
“Big Foot went that way.” Bam flung a finger towards the woods, watching the two agents rush off. “How the hell did we get into an X-File fic?”
Ville shrugged. “You must have took one hell of a wrong turn, Bammie boy.” He lit a cigarette, glaring as Bam started laughing. “What’s so funny?”
“Dude… You’re seriously the Cigarette Smoking Man right now.” Bam continued to laugh as Ville rolled his eyes.
“Would you please get us out of here before something else bizarre happens?”
Bam snickered. “Sure, babe. Just don’t send your alien clones after me.” Still laughing, he did a K-turn and headed back the way they came. “Well, what the fuck happened to the author?”
“What do you mean?”
“The author. They’re supposed to keep this sort of thing from happening. I mean, someone must be slacking off pretty hardcore if we ended up in an X-Files story.”
Ville just sighed and continued smoking. “I don’t care what happened.” Suddenly, he sat up straight. “If we’re here, does that mean someone else is having our shag?”
Bam shrugged. “Who knows? I think we go this way.” He turned down a road identical to the one they were already on.
“You know, this sucks. We aren’t meant to worry about this rubbish.” Ville huffed, tossing his cigarette out the window. “Authors gone mad, ending up in the wrong bloody fic... You know what’ll turn up next, don’t you… Those psychos who try to kill you with the Evil Spork.”
“Spork of Doom, and that was someone else’s fic.”
“This is someone else’s fic!”
“Settle down, babe.” Bam drove slowly, high beams on. He stepped on the brakes, seeing several tall men, trying (unsuccessfully) to blend into the woods. “For the love of cum, what now?”
“We are the Knights Who Say Ni! You shall not pass. Unless you bring us (insert dramatic pause here) a shrubbery!”
“Oh, hell no!” Bam spun around, tires squealing. He sped away while Ville screamed the word ‘it’ over and over out the window.
Ville caught his breath, smirking. “I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore, BamBam.”
“Don’t give them any ideas.”
“Them who, love?”
Bam shrugged. “Them. You know, the invisible, ubiquitous They.”
“That’s a five dollar word, Bammie.”
“Yeah, and hell if I know what it means. This fic is out of control.”
Nodding in agreement, Ville lit another cigarette. “Well, better Monty Python than Red Dwarf.” He snickered. “Or Mr. Bean.”
Bam frowned a bit. “Do people actually write Mr. Bean stories?” He stopped at a fork in the road. “Left or right.”
“Left.” Ville put one foot on the dashboard. “What do you think it’ll be this time?”
“I dunno, but if we hit a Jackass story, I’m stayin put,” Bam grumbled. “Close e-fuckin-nough.”
“Hmm, would that mean I’d get to have two of you?” Ville mused. “Delicious. Aim for one of those, then.”
Rolling his eyes, Bam stayed on the lookout for weird characters. “Perv. Now we’ll probably end up in the middle of 7th Heaven or some shit.”
Suddenly, a body was slammed onto the hood of the car. They stared at the deformed face, complete with fangs, for a second before a skinny blonde girl came out of no where.
Bam and Ville watched the fight, which seemed centered on bad puns and dialogue trying hard (and failing miserably) to be witty.
“Is she mad because he’s a vampire, or because he has no sense of dramatic timing?” Ville whispered.
“I thought it was because the writers of this show suck so much ass.”
Buffy and the vampire turned to look at them. “Who are you to go all Siskel and Ebert on our writers?” They started advancing.
Bam glanced over at his lover. “What do you think?”
“Barge ‘em.”
The Hummer jumped forward, mowing down both vampire and slayer with little more than a scream and twin thuds.
“Excellent.” Ville sat back with a smile. “I say any one else we see, we- Oh, my god!” Reaching over to grab the wheel, he tugged hard, swerving and connecting with a body. “Yes!”
“Who the fuck was that?”
“Britney Spears.”
Bam gagged. “Good shot, babe.” He followed a curve in the road, and suddenly there stood Castle Bam. “Oh, thank god.”
Ville sighed in relief. “Is it our one, do you think?”
“I don’t care.” Bam parked and looked at Ville. “Seriously, if it’s one of those fuckin AU things, I say we kill off our alter egos and take over.”
“I say you’re never getting road head from me again.”