heart it races!
hey friends!
so i don't know if music suddenly started being really freaking awesome, or if i'm just more into it today, because i'm seriously juts feeling it today. god, i am so in love with it. and like, why do i take it for granted. think about it, seriously, for a second. it's like a force, that flows through the air, into me, makes me have to move. fills the silence, influences my moods, changes things. and yet so... underappreciated, i guess. but i've been listening to pandora.com for several hours now and been smiling the whole fucking time, so...
a few days ago, i got an email from Connie Sobczak of The Body Positive, saying that she's coming close to the end of the DVD she's making for her work, and wanted to get some more footage of womyn with their bodies in motion. she asked if i was interested in helping out (which, i mean, duh), so we arranged to meet at her house today and i went. i took my stereo for my ipod in my backpack and went up to her house in north berkeley. she gave me cookies and we chatted while i wondered how the fuck i was going to get into dancing when i just wasn't really feeling it, you know? we set up in for very secluded front area and i played Vegas by Calvin Harris and was feeling just feeling really self-conscious and not me. after the song, though, she hugged me and thanked me and said that she really appreciated it (i guess the movement just made her really happy?), and i suggested we move to her amazing, huge living room with the big windows and the huge mirrors in it. the next song was prince, and it's kind of hard for me to not be into him. so i felt myself getting into it, and looking at the camera more and feeling more present in myself and it was just. awesome, ok. and the next song was prince too and it was just, amazing. eventually she stopped recording and decided to dance with me, which was also awesome. and i was just feeling so good, so at home, and so appreciative of my body. i don't know how to explain it, other than to say that i loved it and have been feeling great since.
which is a really nice change from the sinking feeling i've been having lately and just. yea. it's not all the time, at all. it just happens, every so often. i'll glance at myself in the mirror, or look at a photo of myself and just. not see a girl. i just don't really pass as a girl all the time anymore. and the fact that it makes me so uncomfortable has put me in such denial. what kind of ally am i to anyone if i'm freaked out by my own perceived masculinity?
because i look at this photo and i see this beautiful young girl that i am not and can never conceivably be again. and it's inexplicable. it's beyond words, the carefree ignorance this photo expresses. i was never asked how far i am in my transition back then. and it's not that i was offended when i was asked that. just. i don't know. there are things that i'm comfortable talking about at great lengths, things i won't shut up about, and there are things i'd rather just do without being questioned about. and letting my facial hair grow out is one of those things i'd rather not be constantly questioned about. i want to have the freedom to stray between genders, the freedom to wear a dress one day and baggy pants the next without having to explain that no, just because i don't fit your ideals of what womyn should or shouldn't be, doesn't mean that i'm in transition.
and i guess the worst part is that i don't get questioned that often. i've only been asked twice (three times, if you count that douche back in may who seemed so fucking proud that he could tell i have a vadge*) and that's not very often at all. so why do i feel so fucking attacked?
better question: why do i give a shit? it really doesn't make any sense. i'm all loud and adamant when it comes to protesting gender roles and common stereotypes (or, as bell hooks calls them, controlling images), very in your face about being subversive or rebellious or whatthefuckever, but the second someone calls me on it, i curl in on myself. it sucks, and i want to be stronger than this and i want to not be afraid of what i'm becoming (whatever that may be) especially when i'm so damn comfortable most of the time. i lovelove not shaving or any of that other tedious shit i did just because i thought i had to. and maybe i'm not juts being rebellious, because there's a difference between the tedious shit i no longer do and the stuff i still do. and i do the shit i do because i want to, not because i felt like i had to. and i guess that's the most important distinction for me. it's not the acts themselves, but the reasons behind them?
i don't know what i'm talking about. i guess i just wanted to say this. i wanted to put this out there, because i've been in denial for a really long time about my fears of not really passing as a womyn.
because i remember being young (and a complete asshole, srsly) and exclaiming things like "she looks like a man", and that certainly was not a compliment. i just. i don't know. i have a lot of work to do.
* true story: john and i were on the bus stop by the queen mary on the night of may 22 and these boys were sitting not that far from us. after a while one of them asks me "ey, you a girl ain't you?" and i say "why yes, i am." and he asks again. and i'm like "...yes, i am." and he asks again while walking towards me. i just stare at him. he asks again, looking at me closely. i say yes. he then goes back to his friends, bragging about how he knows the difference between a girl's body and a boy's.
in other news, i was feeling really lonely and nostalgic on thursday, and decided to send out a text to 7 different people to invite them over for dinner. i mean, only one person came (which makes sense, since it was so last minute, but still kind of sucked? because i almost never have the moxy to actually reach out for people when i'm lonely? and to reach out and not even be able to reach someone kind of sucks?) but it was totally cool anyway, because jamie tan came through and i really, really appreciated it. we ate my delicious soup from scratch, watched 10 Things I Hate About You, made cupcakes and just chilled. it was awesome. and i happened to mention how much pam's been a total ass who doesn't really care too much about me? and jamie was like "i'll replace her! i'll be your rebound; i don't even care!" and i grinned for like 20 minutes. i told jamie d. (worldinmy_eyes) about this and she was like "people names jamie tend to be awesome. and we love to take care of people named tracie." and i was all OH HUSH ^_^.
liam said my wanting to move out of eric's apartment (BECAUSE HE SMOKES CRACK, OK) is like a straight guy not wanting to live with a gay guy because he's afraid of getting hit on or molested. and when i said that the two really aren't comparable, he basically brushed me off. i honestly don't know what to say, in regards to how often we disagree on stuff like this. like when he said i'm poly because it's easy, or the several other examples i can bring up. i know that we're not supposed to like, agree on everything. i know that disagreeing makes us human and obviously we're not going to think the same things about stuff. but it's times like these when i wonder. just. yea.
in closing, i love you all. and i will start commenting again soontimes.
so i don't know if music suddenly started being really freaking awesome, or if i'm just more into it today, because i'm seriously juts feeling it today. god, i am so in love with it. and like, why do i take it for granted. think about it, seriously, for a second. it's like a force, that flows through the air, into me, makes me have to move. fills the silence, influences my moods, changes things. and yet so... underappreciated, i guess. but i've been listening to pandora.com for several hours now and been smiling the whole fucking time, so...
a few days ago, i got an email from Connie Sobczak of The Body Positive, saying that she's coming close to the end of the DVD she's making for her work, and wanted to get some more footage of womyn with their bodies in motion. she asked if i was interested in helping out (which, i mean, duh), so we arranged to meet at her house today and i went. i took my stereo for my ipod in my backpack and went up to her house in north berkeley. she gave me cookies and we chatted while i wondered how the fuck i was going to get into dancing when i just wasn't really feeling it, you know? we set up in for very secluded front area and i played Vegas by Calvin Harris and was feeling just feeling really self-conscious and not me. after the song, though, she hugged me and thanked me and said that she really appreciated it (i guess the movement just made her really happy?), and i suggested we move to her amazing, huge living room with the big windows and the huge mirrors in it. the next song was prince, and it's kind of hard for me to not be into him. so i felt myself getting into it, and looking at the camera more and feeling more present in myself and it was just. awesome, ok. and the next song was prince too and it was just, amazing. eventually she stopped recording and decided to dance with me, which was also awesome. and i was just feeling so good, so at home, and so appreciative of my body. i don't know how to explain it, other than to say that i loved it and have been feeling great since.
which is a really nice change from the sinking feeling i've been having lately and just. yea. it's not all the time, at all. it just happens, every so often. i'll glance at myself in the mirror, or look at a photo of myself and just. not see a girl. i just don't really pass as a girl all the time anymore. and the fact that it makes me so uncomfortable has put me in such denial. what kind of ally am i to anyone if i'm freaked out by my own perceived masculinity?
because i look at this photo and i see this beautiful young girl that i am not and can never conceivably be again. and it's inexplicable. it's beyond words, the carefree ignorance this photo expresses. i was never asked how far i am in my transition back then. and it's not that i was offended when i was asked that. just. i don't know. there are things that i'm comfortable talking about at great lengths, things i won't shut up about, and there are things i'd rather just do without being questioned about. and letting my facial hair grow out is one of those things i'd rather not be constantly questioned about. i want to have the freedom to stray between genders, the freedom to wear a dress one day and baggy pants the next without having to explain that no, just because i don't fit your ideals of what womyn should or shouldn't be, doesn't mean that i'm in transition.
and i guess the worst part is that i don't get questioned that often. i've only been asked twice (three times, if you count that douche back in may who seemed so fucking proud that he could tell i have a vadge*) and that's not very often at all. so why do i feel so fucking attacked?
better question: why do i give a shit? it really doesn't make any sense. i'm all loud and adamant when it comes to protesting gender roles and common stereotypes (or, as bell hooks calls them, controlling images), very in your face about being subversive or rebellious or whatthefuckever, but the second someone calls me on it, i curl in on myself. it sucks, and i want to be stronger than this and i want to not be afraid of what i'm becoming (whatever that may be) especially when i'm so damn comfortable most of the time. i lovelove not shaving or any of that other tedious shit i did just because i thought i had to. and maybe i'm not juts being rebellious, because there's a difference between the tedious shit i no longer do and the stuff i still do. and i do the shit i do because i want to, not because i felt like i had to. and i guess that's the most important distinction for me. it's not the acts themselves, but the reasons behind them?
i don't know what i'm talking about. i guess i just wanted to say this. i wanted to put this out there, because i've been in denial for a really long time about my fears of not really passing as a womyn.
because i remember being young (and a complete asshole, srsly) and exclaiming things like "she looks like a man", and that certainly was not a compliment. i just. i don't know. i have a lot of work to do.
* true story: john and i were on the bus stop by the queen mary on the night of may 22 and these boys were sitting not that far from us. after a while one of them asks me "ey, you a girl ain't you?" and i say "why yes, i am." and he asks again. and i'm like "...yes, i am." and he asks again while walking towards me. i just stare at him. he asks again, looking at me closely. i say yes. he then goes back to his friends, bragging about how he knows the difference between a girl's body and a boy's.
in other news, i was feeling really lonely and nostalgic on thursday, and decided to send out a text to 7 different people to invite them over for dinner. i mean, only one person came (which makes sense, since it was so last minute, but still kind of sucked? because i almost never have the moxy to actually reach out for people when i'm lonely? and to reach out and not even be able to reach someone kind of sucks?) but it was totally cool anyway, because jamie tan came through and i really, really appreciated it. we ate my delicious soup from scratch, watched 10 Things I Hate About You, made cupcakes and just chilled. it was awesome. and i happened to mention how much pam's been a total ass who doesn't really care too much about me? and jamie was like "i'll replace her! i'll be your rebound; i don't even care!" and i grinned for like 20 minutes. i told jamie d. (worldinmy_eyes) about this and she was like "people names jamie tend to be awesome. and we love to take care of people named tracie." and i was all OH HUSH ^_^.
liam said my wanting to move out of eric's apartment (BECAUSE HE SMOKES CRACK, OK) is like a straight guy not wanting to live with a gay guy because he's afraid of getting hit on or molested. and when i said that the two really aren't comparable, he basically brushed me off. i honestly don't know what to say, in regards to how often we disagree on stuff like this. like when he said i'm poly because it's easy, or the several other examples i can bring up. i know that we're not supposed to like, agree on everything. i know that disagreeing makes us human and obviously we're not going to think the same things about stuff. but it's times like these when i wonder. just. yea.
in closing, i love you all. and i will start commenting again soontimes.