(no subject)
two in one day! what a lucky bunch you are! this post is mostly going here because my hand-writing energy is reserved for nanowrimo and note-taking this month, to avoid the hand issues i used to have. at any rate, this isn't anything you'll be particularly interested in reading, just like the rest of the stuff i've been posting lately. i miss having nice things to say too, friends. maybe one day. until then.
i just woke up from a nap that i took just a bit too late in the day, and am feeling really slow and really groggy.
this is definitely one of those time that i would pick up my phone and unthinkingly call him. because it was reflex. because i always talked to him, and because he was the only one who wanted to hear about the stupid shit that happened today. even though i can't tell meaningful story with a fucking point to save my life, he would always listen, even if he didn't give a good goddamn what nancy said to me about femsex, or how i feel when i run into vistara, or what changes my writing style has gone through due to fandom shit.
and i guess here's something i might not have made absolutely clear before: i don't want him back. god, no. once shit goes down, there's really no going back for me. he told me he didn't really care that we were growing apart and removed me from his top 8 for trying to talk about it, and that was kind of it for me. and even if i hadn't been done at that point, i called him, crying and frantic at 8 the morning i was supposed to be on my bus out of long beach, and he not only didn't answer, but didn't contact me after he heard my voicemail. ("hey... i'm sorry. i just. i didn't know who else to call. please call me back."). not so much as a fucking text from him.
i'm not stupid, ok. i'm not very forgiving, either, despite what people might think. after those two events (which occurred one day after the other), i knew that i could never go back to where we were. i knew that i didn't want to even try.
what i wanted (and still want, tbh) is to just fucking go back in time. to when it wasn't so fucking complicated. to when my heart didn't sink every time i thought of how in love with him i was (and still am). to when i could just fucking call him and tell him whatever was on my mind. to when i didn't feel this fucking alone all the time.
it's lame, i know, to want all of that back like some fucking cliche. it's also quite lame to be remembering all of the good stuff and not the bad. but i don't really have to remember the bad ok? there's always going to be bad shit in my life. i have bad shit in my life. the only thing i no longer have is the good shit he took with him. my cuddles, my 'i love you's, my smile, the way my fucking heart started growing and swelling and just in general taking up extra space whenever i saw him.
it's not fair. and it's also not fair that the only person i really have feelings for right now doesn't know i fucking exist. but hey, what's new about that? god and it takes up so much energy to do anything these days.
other things that don't help: seeing photos of chloe and her crush (potential partner?) on facebook. see, the other week she and i were having a discussion about crushes. and she was telling me all about how much she loves them and how they make her feel and so on and so forth. and i was telling her how much i hate them and how they make me into such a fucking loser. i guess i forgot to mention how much of my hatred of crushes has to do with the fact that they are almost unfailingly unrequited.
i don't know. i don't really want to write this entry anymore. abrupt ending.
p.s.- not mccain. =)
i just woke up from a nap that i took just a bit too late in the day, and am feeling really slow and really groggy.
this is definitely one of those time that i would pick up my phone and unthinkingly call him. because it was reflex. because i always talked to him, and because he was the only one who wanted to hear about the stupid shit that happened today. even though i can't tell meaningful story with a fucking point to save my life, he would always listen, even if he didn't give a good goddamn what nancy said to me about femsex, or how i feel when i run into vistara, or what changes my writing style has gone through due to fandom shit.
and i guess here's something i might not have made absolutely clear before: i don't want him back. god, no. once shit goes down, there's really no going back for me. he told me he didn't really care that we were growing apart and removed me from his top 8 for trying to talk about it, and that was kind of it for me. and even if i hadn't been done at that point, i called him, crying and frantic at 8 the morning i was supposed to be on my bus out of long beach, and he not only didn't answer, but didn't contact me after he heard my voicemail. ("hey... i'm sorry. i just. i didn't know who else to call. please call me back."). not so much as a fucking text from him.
i'm not stupid, ok. i'm not very forgiving, either, despite what people might think. after those two events (which occurred one day after the other), i knew that i could never go back to where we were. i knew that i didn't want to even try.
what i wanted (and still want, tbh) is to just fucking go back in time. to when it wasn't so fucking complicated. to when my heart didn't sink every time i thought of how in love with him i was (and still am). to when i could just fucking call him and tell him whatever was on my mind. to when i didn't feel this fucking alone all the time.
it's lame, i know, to want all of that back like some fucking cliche. it's also quite lame to be remembering all of the good stuff and not the bad. but i don't really have to remember the bad ok? there's always going to be bad shit in my life. i have bad shit in my life. the only thing i no longer have is the good shit he took with him. my cuddles, my 'i love you's, my smile, the way my fucking heart started growing and swelling and just in general taking up extra space whenever i saw him.
it's not fair. and it's also not fair that the only person i really have feelings for right now doesn't know i fucking exist. but hey, what's new about that? god and it takes up so much energy to do anything these days.
other things that don't help: seeing photos of chloe and her crush (potential partner?) on facebook. see, the other week she and i were having a discussion about crushes. and she was telling me all about how much she loves them and how they make her feel and so on and so forth. and i was telling her how much i hate them and how they make me into such a fucking loser. i guess i forgot to mention how much of my hatred of crushes has to do with the fact that they are almost unfailingly unrequited.
i don't know. i don't really want to write this entry anymore. abrupt ending.
p.s.- not mccain. =)