there is definitely definitely definitely no logic
So I haven't been sleeping regularly lately. I also haven't been feeling too much lately. These things come and go, but it's been about 3 days now so I'm starting to wonder.
I didn't do my Final Paper that would have helped me pass African American Studies 100. At this point I'd usually feel disappointment in myself, self-hatred, and a whole lot of shame. I probably wouldn't even be telling you about it, friends. But none of this is the case, because I feel pretty much nothing right now.
This is a weird feeling for me, because I'm almost never feeling just one emotion, let alone none. It's creepy and I'm sure I'd be afraid if I could feel afraid. I don't trust myself when I'm like this, because there's a much higher chance that I'll do something stupid. Like, I don't know, not finish my AFAM final paper. What was I thinking? The same thing I'm thinking now: oh well.
I've been writing though, and that's something. nods.
In other news, I was looking at Lis's piczo page and it had this separate section for her family. It makes me smile, she's a very family-oriented person and I admire that about her. I would be too if my family weren't how it is, but it is, and this part isn't about me anyway. The point is, there's all these pictures of her family, including the reason we're even friends in the first place. Jenna. I could post several embarrassingly old pictures just to try to tell you who and what Jenna is, but I'm not going to.
I'll just tell you, as best as I can, that there are pictures of us in the 3rd grade, doing our classwork next to each other with oversized crayons, alternating from time to time with other items from our brightly colored and well stocked pencil boxes. I remember getting in trouble pretty much every day for talking too much in 1st grade, because she talked much more quietly than I did. I remember this specific type of Mexican candy, where you pressed the top down and candy oozed out. It was always a complete mess and I'm sure it wasn't good for us, but her Grandma packed them for us, one for me and one for her, every day. I remember sleepovers and her kitty, Tiger. I remember spending hours at a time going on about nothing and everything, the way only really good friends can, in 3rd grade. I remember bringing my [bright pink Pippo] diary to her house and letting her read it. I remember matching Disneyland bracelets that read "Best Friends Forever," and really really huge colorful suckers that took us foreve rto finish off. I remember giggling secrets about boys in our class, sharing dreams and goals and beliefs. I remember when a girl from my past told Jenna I was "nasty," and probably told her all of the things that I, at the time, was sorely ashamed of. Jenna asked me about it, but let it go. She was still my Best Friend Forever. I remember her being my only friend when we went to middle school. I remember her not being afraid, I remember trying to be more like her. I remember growing apart but still sharing that bond. I remember being amazed that we ended up loving the same bands even though we didn't even hang out anymore. I remember coming out to her and her saying she kind of already knew, because really, I was no kind of subtle. I remember her 16th birthday party and the hangover that followed [also known as the one and only drunken night of my life]. I remember when Kyler was born, and Jenna named me Godmother even though we didn't see each other as much as we should have, because she still considered me her Best Friend Forever.
We don't see each other anymore. We haven't seen each other since Fiona's 2nd birthday party. That was also the last time I saw Rob. I want to see her. But even when I lived in Long Beach it was like every time I tried, it just didn't work out. She didn't seem to be trying all that much, so I gave up. I'm not going to single-handedly hold a friendship together with someone who can't be assed to kick it sometime. At least that's what I told myself.
I miss her so much, still. It broke my heart that I saw Kyler at 3 months and then not again until his 1st birthday party. I don't know. When I'm in Long Beach later this month, I'll try my best. Hopefully we can kick it. Because I hate this.
Well, not right now. But when I feel things, I feel hatred and sadness towards the situation.
Oh and yes, Shakira
Me and Pam and Yuki and Nina went to the midnight showing of Spiderman 3 that Thursday it came out. The movie, not so great. But Yuki and I were cackling and mockign it the entire way through, so it was a fun night.
And on Saturday, The Queer People of Color summit was held on campus, so Paco and Marcus and Daniel came to Cal.
Paco's wearing Danny's fake boobs
Marcus rocked them hard.
and uhm, paco liked them on him? lmao.
I did Danny's hair for about 2 hours in the men's room. Guys kept coming in and looking confused that there was a girl doing hair in the men's room. and when Danny's hair was in his face, he could easily be misconstrued as a girl.
then he got dressed and ready for his performance as Shakira.
me and paco
Marcus trying to be all "manly" and gangsta was fuckign hilarious.
good times though, Danny is so fabulous. I would have recorded it if my camera had been acting right.
I cannot wait for Long Beach Pride. Paco in drag?? Posse all rainbowtastic [even moreso that usual, lmao]? I would feel great excitement if I could.
So I talked to my grandmother last weekend. You know, the "accepting" one? Yea. I told her I was excited about Pride and she was all "Don't get too close to the cameras, now; too many people know you're my granddaughter." and it's like, what the fucking fuck? You just keep losing points, grandma.
I'm pretty sure I never posted on my other LJ what she said when she saw my [delicious] snakebites. She looked at me, barely hugged me, and then said "I could accept you being gay better than this. Hell, I could accept you being pregnant better than this." And it was just like ...oh my god. And she was saying that i used to be beautiful, that I've disfigured myself, that I look a mess. I was unhappy. And my dad just stood in the background, probably enjoying my extreme discomfort.
But that's in the past, and I only brought it up to explain why I absolutely need to march in the parade, instead of just watching. See the things people make me do?
By the way, I never sent that birthday card...
That is all.
I didn't do my Final Paper that would have helped me pass African American Studies 100. At this point I'd usually feel disappointment in myself, self-hatred, and a whole lot of shame. I probably wouldn't even be telling you about it, friends. But none of this is the case, because I feel pretty much nothing right now.
This is a weird feeling for me, because I'm almost never feeling just one emotion, let alone none. It's creepy and I'm sure I'd be afraid if I could feel afraid. I don't trust myself when I'm like this, because there's a much higher chance that I'll do something stupid. Like, I don't know, not finish my AFAM final paper. What was I thinking? The same thing I'm thinking now: oh well.
I've been writing though, and that's something. nods.
In other news, I was looking at Lis's piczo page and it had this separate section for her family. It makes me smile, she's a very family-oriented person and I admire that about her. I would be too if my family weren't how it is, but it is, and this part isn't about me anyway. The point is, there's all these pictures of her family, including the reason we're even friends in the first place. Jenna. I could post several embarrassingly old pictures just to try to tell you who and what Jenna is, but I'm not going to.
I'll just tell you, as best as I can, that there are pictures of us in the 3rd grade, doing our classwork next to each other with oversized crayons, alternating from time to time with other items from our brightly colored and well stocked pencil boxes. I remember getting in trouble pretty much every day for talking too much in 1st grade, because she talked much more quietly than I did. I remember this specific type of Mexican candy, where you pressed the top down and candy oozed out. It was always a complete mess and I'm sure it wasn't good for us, but her Grandma packed them for us, one for me and one for her, every day. I remember sleepovers and her kitty, Tiger. I remember spending hours at a time going on about nothing and everything, the way only really good friends can, in 3rd grade. I remember bringing my [bright pink Pippo] diary to her house and letting her read it. I remember matching Disneyland bracelets that read "Best Friends Forever," and really really huge colorful suckers that took us foreve rto finish off. I remember giggling secrets about boys in our class, sharing dreams and goals and beliefs. I remember when a girl from my past told Jenna I was "nasty," and probably told her all of the things that I, at the time, was sorely ashamed of. Jenna asked me about it, but let it go. She was still my Best Friend Forever. I remember her being my only friend when we went to middle school. I remember her not being afraid, I remember trying to be more like her. I remember growing apart but still sharing that bond. I remember being amazed that we ended up loving the same bands even though we didn't even hang out anymore. I remember coming out to her and her saying she kind of already knew, because really, I was no kind of subtle. I remember her 16th birthday party and the hangover that followed [also known as the one and only drunken night of my life]. I remember when Kyler was born, and Jenna named me Godmother even though we didn't see each other as much as we should have, because she still considered me her Best Friend Forever.
We don't see each other anymore. We haven't seen each other since Fiona's 2nd birthday party. That was also the last time I saw Rob. I want to see her. But even when I lived in Long Beach it was like every time I tried, it just didn't work out. She didn't seem to be trying all that much, so I gave up. I'm not going to single-handedly hold a friendship together with someone who can't be assed to kick it sometime. At least that's what I told myself.
I miss her so much, still. It broke my heart that I saw Kyler at 3 months and then not again until his 1st birthday party. I don't know. When I'm in Long Beach later this month, I'll try my best. Hopefully we can kick it. Because I hate this.
Well, not right now. But when I feel things, I feel hatred and sadness towards the situation.
Oh and yes, Shakira
Me and Pam and Yuki and Nina went to the midnight showing of Spiderman 3 that Thursday it came out. The movie, not so great. But Yuki and I were cackling and mockign it the entire way through, so it was a fun night.
And on Saturday, The Queer People of Color summit was held on campus, so Paco and Marcus and Daniel came to Cal.
Paco's wearing Danny's fake boobs
Marcus rocked them hard.
and uhm, paco liked them on him? lmao.
I did Danny's hair for about 2 hours in the men's room. Guys kept coming in and looking confused that there was a girl doing hair in the men's room. and when Danny's hair was in his face, he could easily be misconstrued as a girl.
then he got dressed and ready for his performance as Shakira.
me and paco
Marcus trying to be all "manly" and gangsta was fuckign hilarious.
good times though, Danny is so fabulous. I would have recorded it if my camera had been acting right.
I cannot wait for Long Beach Pride. Paco in drag?? Posse all rainbowtastic [even moreso that usual, lmao]? I would feel great excitement if I could.
So I talked to my grandmother last weekend. You know, the "accepting" one? Yea. I told her I was excited about Pride and she was all "Don't get too close to the cameras, now; too many people know you're my granddaughter." and it's like, what the fucking fuck? You just keep losing points, grandma.
I'm pretty sure I never posted on my other LJ what she said when she saw my [delicious] snakebites. She looked at me, barely hugged me, and then said "I could accept you being gay better than this. Hell, I could accept you being pregnant better than this." And it was just like ...oh my god. And she was saying that i used to be beautiful, that I've disfigured myself, that I look a mess. I was unhappy. And my dad just stood in the background, probably enjoying my extreme discomfort.
But that's in the past, and I only brought it up to explain why I absolutely need to march in the parade, instead of just watching. See the things people make me do?
By the way, I never sent that birthday card...
That is all.