hold on to what is left
it's time for another long post reflecting on who i was, who i am, and who i'd like to become. it's time to reinvent, to rejuvenate, to revamp. it's time for another optimistic rant. you know you're interested.
friday evening, after our meeting, morgan was telling us about this party he was going to in the city, and how he had to dress a certain way because of formalities or something? i don't know much about the bdsm community but am totally fascinated by it. and someone was like "what's a daddy?" and he was like "a daddy is a masculine, older and more experienced dom. and a mommy is a hyper-femme version of a daddy. but some doms don't use those terms, and some go by like, captain-" and i totally cut him off by flailing and freaking the fuck out, because that is the coolest thing EVER. kory was disturbed by my bouncing and flailing. i tend not to get that excited in front of people lmao.
[funny side story, morgan is related to Captain Morgan. hilarious, no?]
anyway, i got home and was ranting to autumn about all of this and she agreed: that is the coolest thing ever. so i asked her to refer to me only as the captain, and i now only refer to her as the pharoah. i asked darbrielle to do the same thing and she was kind of like ">.> ..k." and then john asked that i call him acolyte.
this was initially just me fucking around and being hyper, but the conversation that i had with acolyte afterwards really got me thinking about my life and how i live it and what i need to do to enjoy it better... and the way we discuss the importance of language and the significance of a name in my Identities Across Difference class.
we had a really long discussion in that class two weeks ago about bell hooks and the difference between the Gloria she was born as, and the Gloria that she renamed herself as later in life. i don't think i can really explain how the conversation went, but basically Gloria was a name that she was given, and bell hooks was a name that she took up, and once she learned more about herself, experienced herself more, she chose the name Gloria again. there's a huge difference between what is given and what is chosen after one learns more about themselves in the world. the fact that the names are the same does not mean that the second Gloria is what the first Gloria was. and even though the two are separated by the stage of rejection, exploration, and redefining that was bell hooks, that doesn't necessarily mean that the second Gloria is not what the first Gloria was.
that is to say, that even as the first Gloria, bell hooks, and the second Gloria are embodied in the same body, that does not mean that they are the same. and even though they are separated by different titles and different time periods, that does not mean that they are mutually exclusive categories that cannot exist simultaneously. i would even say that they are interdependent and do not, cannot, operate alone. as TRINH T. Minh-ha says, "you are who you are at every moment."
[[i'm well aware that that was probably confusing. one day, i will be able to voice my thoughts coherently and with more clarity. until then, i make no apologies and hope you at least kind of follow. =)]]
during this discussion i was looking at professor Trinh and thinking about how my stage of rejection, of reinvention, has been going on for about 5 years now. and i'm constantly tryign to redefine myself and trying to find words to articulate something that won't sit still long enough for me to find the words for it. because as soon as i'm on the brink of being able to describe it, it changes. i change. and i'm confused again. and i'm searching for words again and grabbing and poetry and other people's definitions. clinging to what is easily defined because that's what i'm socialized to be comfortable with.
but what if there is no real definition for it, for me? what if it's like the second copenhagen interpretation of quantum reality ((that observation creates reality. that the tree falls in the forest and makes a sound because someone sees and hears it. but if no one is there to see or hear it, the tree doesn't fall. without observation there is no tree, and there is no forest))?? what if the simple act of my trying to define myself is what causes me to change? i guess that's something to question at another time, for fear of me never reaching the point of this entry.
so anyway, i was telling my acolyte about my absolutely ridiculous crush on joe and how i wish i had a mini-acolyte on my shoulder telling me what to do. he said to make a move. to be forward. to tell joe that he's hot, or just tell him we should do lunch or something. and for once it didn't sound like something i absolutely can't do. maybe i'm moving on up?
i was telling him about crushes past (from the beginning of this year with chloe all the way back to 2000 with pascual) and it really made me think about how i need this to go differently, even if he ends up not feeling the same. i need something different to happen, even if that's me making the first move. acolyte was saying that i need to be more confident. and i do.
and so, why wouldn't i make this change, this silly 'captain' stuff into something meaningful? into something positive, something real? why shouldn't i take every time someone calls me 'captain' to be a reminder that i should be taking charge of my life. stop and ask myself, have i taken everything i can out of today? and what do i need to do to get everything i can out of tomorrow?
this song has got me thinking about the captain business even more. got me thinking about holding on to what is left, and letting go of what is not. got me analyzing. and it feels good.
i've got a plan regarding this joe business. it's a plan that only the captain could see through. and i will tell you the outcome of this plan as it happens. wish me luck, friends.
i was going to add photos of my weekend here, but i'll just do that later. maybe i'll study for my midterm or something.
friday evening, after our meeting, morgan was telling us about this party he was going to in the city, and how he had to dress a certain way because of formalities or something? i don't know much about the bdsm community but am totally fascinated by it. and someone was like "what's a daddy?" and he was like "a daddy is a masculine, older and more experienced dom. and a mommy is a hyper-femme version of a daddy. but some doms don't use those terms, and some go by like, captain-" and i totally cut him off by flailing and freaking the fuck out, because that is the coolest thing EVER. kory was disturbed by my bouncing and flailing. i tend not to get that excited in front of people lmao.
[funny side story, morgan is related to Captain Morgan. hilarious, no?]
anyway, i got home and was ranting to autumn about all of this and she agreed: that is the coolest thing ever. so i asked her to refer to me only as the captain, and i now only refer to her as the pharoah. i asked darbrielle to do the same thing and she was kind of like ">.> ..k." and then john asked that i call him acolyte.
this was initially just me fucking around and being hyper, but the conversation that i had with acolyte afterwards really got me thinking about my life and how i live it and what i need to do to enjoy it better... and the way we discuss the importance of language and the significance of a name in my Identities Across Difference class.
we had a really long discussion in that class two weeks ago about bell hooks and the difference between the Gloria she was born as, and the Gloria that she renamed herself as later in life. i don't think i can really explain how the conversation went, but basically Gloria was a name that she was given, and bell hooks was a name that she took up, and once she learned more about herself, experienced herself more, she chose the name Gloria again. there's a huge difference between what is given and what is chosen after one learns more about themselves in the world. the fact that the names are the same does not mean that the second Gloria is what the first Gloria was. and even though the two are separated by the stage of rejection, exploration, and redefining that was bell hooks, that doesn't necessarily mean that the second Gloria is not what the first Gloria was.
that is to say, that even as the first Gloria, bell hooks, and the second Gloria are embodied in the same body, that does not mean that they are the same. and even though they are separated by different titles and different time periods, that does not mean that they are mutually exclusive categories that cannot exist simultaneously. i would even say that they are interdependent and do not, cannot, operate alone. as TRINH T. Minh-ha says, "you are who you are at every moment."
[[i'm well aware that that was probably confusing. one day, i will be able to voice my thoughts coherently and with more clarity. until then, i make no apologies and hope you at least kind of follow. =)]]
during this discussion i was looking at professor Trinh and thinking about how my stage of rejection, of reinvention, has been going on for about 5 years now. and i'm constantly tryign to redefine myself and trying to find words to articulate something that won't sit still long enough for me to find the words for it. because as soon as i'm on the brink of being able to describe it, it changes. i change. and i'm confused again. and i'm searching for words again and grabbing and poetry and other people's definitions. clinging to what is easily defined because that's what i'm socialized to be comfortable with.
but what if there is no real definition for it, for me? what if it's like the second copenhagen interpretation of quantum reality ((that observation creates reality. that the tree falls in the forest and makes a sound because someone sees and hears it. but if no one is there to see or hear it, the tree doesn't fall. without observation there is no tree, and there is no forest))?? what if the simple act of my trying to define myself is what causes me to change? i guess that's something to question at another time, for fear of me never reaching the point of this entry.
so anyway, i was telling my acolyte about my absolutely ridiculous crush on joe and how i wish i had a mini-acolyte on my shoulder telling me what to do. he said to make a move. to be forward. to tell joe that he's hot, or just tell him we should do lunch or something. and for once it didn't sound like something i absolutely can't do. maybe i'm moving on up?
i was telling him about crushes past (from the beginning of this year with chloe all the way back to 2000 with pascual) and it really made me think about how i need this to go differently, even if he ends up not feeling the same. i need something different to happen, even if that's me making the first move. acolyte was saying that i need to be more confident. and i do.
and so, why wouldn't i make this change, this silly 'captain' stuff into something meaningful? into something positive, something real? why shouldn't i take every time someone calls me 'captain' to be a reminder that i should be taking charge of my life. stop and ask myself, have i taken everything i can out of today? and what do i need to do to get everything i can out of tomorrow?
this song has got me thinking about the captain business even more. got me thinking about holding on to what is left, and letting go of what is not. got me analyzing. and it feels good.
i've got a plan regarding this joe business. it's a plan that only the captain could see through. and i will tell you the outcome of this plan as it happens. wish me luck, friends.
i was going to add photos of my weekend here, but i'll just do that later. maybe i'll study for my midterm or something.