day 19: you'll make a big mistake...
well. i guess that's the end of that.
edit: didn't want to make a new post for 8 pics.
my nose is bleeding. i don't recall that ever happening before.
my eyes hurt from crying too much. it's happened more times than i can count.
i'm not surprised, honestly. i think i always knew he'd get sick of me. and i'm pretty sure i always knew it would hurt this much. it just.. it sucks. i would always tell him i wish how to make him happy because he made me so happy a lot of the time, and he would say that i do make him happy. i keep wondering when that changed.
when i went to my old lj and found this, i started bawling. because i did it. i opened myself to him, really let him in. and he got sick of me.
it reminds me of back when genne and i were together, and she said she thought i was hiding a huge part of myself from her. and when i stopped censoring myself she told me that the only reason anyone could love me was because they didn't know me.
of course, i believe that and i don't. i think i'm great, a lot of the time. but i doubt i'm going to find someone who does too.
i don't know.
i want to get up and keep going. i don't want to be the girl who can't get over some guy.
but there's nowhere to go. i don't want to get up at all. i could just lay here in my room, on the verge of heat stroke, staring at random things in my room and out of my window, forever. i don't know what to do, where to go, what to say or think. and i know i'm pathetic.
i'm sure i've said it a thousand times, but honestly, 2 years is a very long time for me. i've never been this close to anyone, let alone for that long. i hold grudges and push people away. i've done neither of those with him. i've done what i could, ok? i'm sure i could have been better at listening to what he really wanted, and trying to read between the lines, and i would have, had i had more guidance.
2 years of being there for me, and then deciding not to. i wouldn't for a second question that he loved me. i called him at all odd hours to talk about stupid shit and cry about stupid shit. and he was there for me, even when he thought i was crying over something so minuscule. and now he isn't. i don't know what happened.
maybe i'll be grateful. because if he hadn't dropped me i never would have let go of him. but right now, it just hurts.
edit: didn't want to make a new post for 8 pics.
my nose is bleeding. i don't recall that ever happening before.
my eyes hurt from crying too much. it's happened more times than i can count.
i'm not surprised, honestly. i think i always knew he'd get sick of me. and i'm pretty sure i always knew it would hurt this much. it just.. it sucks. i would always tell him i wish how to make him happy because he made me so happy a lot of the time, and he would say that i do make him happy. i keep wondering when that changed.
when i went to my old lj and found this, i started bawling. because i did it. i opened myself to him, really let him in. and he got sick of me.
it reminds me of back when genne and i were together, and she said she thought i was hiding a huge part of myself from her. and when i stopped censoring myself she told me that the only reason anyone could love me was because they didn't know me.
of course, i believe that and i don't. i think i'm great, a lot of the time. but i doubt i'm going to find someone who does too.
i don't know.
i want to get up and keep going. i don't want to be the girl who can't get over some guy.
but there's nowhere to go. i don't want to get up at all. i could just lay here in my room, on the verge of heat stroke, staring at random things in my room and out of my window, forever. i don't know what to do, where to go, what to say or think. and i know i'm pathetic.
i'm sure i've said it a thousand times, but honestly, 2 years is a very long time for me. i've never been this close to anyone, let alone for that long. i hold grudges and push people away. i've done neither of those with him. i've done what i could, ok? i'm sure i could have been better at listening to what he really wanted, and trying to read between the lines, and i would have, had i had more guidance.
2 years of being there for me, and then deciding not to. i wouldn't for a second question that he loved me. i called him at all odd hours to talk about stupid shit and cry about stupid shit. and he was there for me, even when he thought i was crying over something so minuscule. and now he isn't. i don't know what happened.
maybe i'll be grateful. because if he hadn't dropped me i never would have let go of him. but right now, it just hurts.