you've got me standing in an awkward position, with unwanted attention...
spent a lot of today being irritated. i pretty much started the day off irritated, which is a shame since i masturbated twice before even rolling out of bed.
one of my students filed a formal complaint against femsex for not being handicap accessible.
i don't feel like explaining.
my mom says i'm gonna run into problems in life [more than anyone else] because i never want to listen to anyone about anything. which is utter fucking bullshit. listen, just because i'm not affected by you telling me i'm unattractive because i don't shave, because i don't give a fuck when you tell me to trim my chin hair, because my boobs are saggy unlike yours because i don't wear bras, because i dress however the fuck i want, because when my dad kept demanding to know why i was upset and i told him the truth, because i "don't care about other people's feelings," because because because a bunch of other half-assed shitty reasons.
fuck fuck fuck you. just because i don't live for everyone else's fucking approval like you do, doesn't mean i'm unattractive. some people are very attracted to attitudes like mine, and i'm not interested in people for whom i need to work to impress.
i know what you're thinking: what about louis?? actually i've stopped trying to impress people ten-fucking-fold since i've been hanging around him. he's the one who's inspired me to question my assumptions and my motivations. why the hell am i doing the things i do? why am i shaving when i don't like it, it's fucking expensive, i'm lazy, and the hair will just grow back in THREE FUCKING DAYS???
hey, if you like to do that, by all means, do it. some people love shaving. some love the feeling of smooth legs. i'm not here to shit on people who shave, who like to shave, or anything of the sort. i'm here to say, personally, my body hair has nothing to do with anyone else in this world right now. i'm not dating or sleeping with anyone; and recently have mostly cuddled with hairier people. it's really none of anyone else's goddamn business what i do and don't choose to do with my hair. and i'm sick of everyone thinking it's a lesbian thing, that i'm trying to be "all butched out," as opposed to me just being comfortable with my body and the hair that grows out of it [including the two stray hairs growing between my boobs].
i also don't have anything against people who like to impress other people. i like to do it too, in ways that don't violate my comfort level. there's nothing wrong with any of that, even though most of my rants against my mother sound that way. but it's more about her demanding that i try to impress other people. it's about her need to keep up appearances. it's why i have to sing and be hyper in the grocery store with her. it's why i need to embarrass her, because for the past 5 years she's been making me feel like i should be ashamed of myself. like i should be hiding. like i shouldn't be the way i am. she goes about it in different ways than my dad and is quick to play the innocent card when i call her on it. saying things like "what will my friends at work think?"
fuck fuck fuck her and her fucking friends. fuck her fucking boyfriend for saying my sister and i "are so pretty" but "talk too white".
fuck her ideals of beauty and i hate them so much because they make her so insecure when i wish that she could just see that she's fucking gorgeous. she's beautiful without makeup, she's beautiful without the constant diets, she's beautiful with her hair natural, she'd be beautiful with no hair at all. and her internalized oppression is so ugly because it doesn't just manifest in the things she says to herself in the mirror. it manifests in the ugly things she says to me, to put me down, to try to keep me in my place, to try and make me sad like her. it manifests in the nasty comments she makes to me about other people we see in public places, that i used to duplicate before i knew what acrimony was. because i didn't know how fucked up that was, and because i couldn't see how self-destructive that is.
fuck her disapproval of the things that i wear. i fucking like my clothes. and i don't really give a fuck if you can see my underwear. that's what happens when you wear short ass shirts and hate high-rise pants. and whatever, pants that go higher than the ones i wear give me gas. and no one wants that, srsly. and i've always felt that way; when i was a baby i used to figure out some way to work my diapers down because my mom put them on too high. that's not a fashion thing; it's a comfort thing.
fuck keeping up appearances. how the hell would i entertain myself if not to fuck with people's expectations? and while we're on this subject, fuck my grandmother for telling me she'd better not see me on tv during the parade because 'too many people know i'm her granddaughter'.
fuck her thinking i don't care about other people because i don't just tell them what they want to hear. fuck "not being honest with everyone."
and fuck bras. i wore them for 9 years straight and my tits look nothing like hers.
in short, i hope i never have as many problems as she does. she gives me a fucking headache. have a nice day/evening/night/morning.
one of my students filed a formal complaint against femsex for not being handicap accessible.
i don't feel like explaining.
my mom says i'm gonna run into problems in life [more than anyone else] because i never want to listen to anyone about anything. which is utter fucking bullshit. listen, just because i'm not affected by you telling me i'm unattractive because i don't shave, because i don't give a fuck when you tell me to trim my chin hair, because my boobs are saggy unlike yours because i don't wear bras, because i dress however the fuck i want, because when my dad kept demanding to know why i was upset and i told him the truth, because i "don't care about other people's feelings," because because because a bunch of other half-assed shitty reasons.
fuck fuck fuck you. just because i don't live for everyone else's fucking approval like you do, doesn't mean i'm unattractive. some people are very attracted to attitudes like mine, and i'm not interested in people for whom i need to work to impress.
i know what you're thinking: what about louis?? actually i've stopped trying to impress people ten-fucking-fold since i've been hanging around him. he's the one who's inspired me to question my assumptions and my motivations. why the hell am i doing the things i do? why am i shaving when i don't like it, it's fucking expensive, i'm lazy, and the hair will just grow back in THREE FUCKING DAYS???
hey, if you like to do that, by all means, do it. some people love shaving. some love the feeling of smooth legs. i'm not here to shit on people who shave, who like to shave, or anything of the sort. i'm here to say, personally, my body hair has nothing to do with anyone else in this world right now. i'm not dating or sleeping with anyone; and recently have mostly cuddled with hairier people. it's really none of anyone else's goddamn business what i do and don't choose to do with my hair. and i'm sick of everyone thinking it's a lesbian thing, that i'm trying to be "all butched out," as opposed to me just being comfortable with my body and the hair that grows out of it [including the two stray hairs growing between my boobs].
i also don't have anything against people who like to impress other people. i like to do it too, in ways that don't violate my comfort level. there's nothing wrong with any of that, even though most of my rants against my mother sound that way. but it's more about her demanding that i try to impress other people. it's about her need to keep up appearances. it's why i have to sing and be hyper in the grocery store with her. it's why i need to embarrass her, because for the past 5 years she's been making me feel like i should be ashamed of myself. like i should be hiding. like i shouldn't be the way i am. she goes about it in different ways than my dad and is quick to play the innocent card when i call her on it. saying things like "what will my friends at work think?"
fuck fuck fuck her and her fucking friends. fuck her fucking boyfriend for saying my sister and i "are so pretty" but "talk too white".
fuck her ideals of beauty and i hate them so much because they make her so insecure when i wish that she could just see that she's fucking gorgeous. she's beautiful without makeup, she's beautiful without the constant diets, she's beautiful with her hair natural, she'd be beautiful with no hair at all. and her internalized oppression is so ugly because it doesn't just manifest in the things she says to herself in the mirror. it manifests in the ugly things she says to me, to put me down, to try to keep me in my place, to try and make me sad like her. it manifests in the nasty comments she makes to me about other people we see in public places, that i used to duplicate before i knew what acrimony was. because i didn't know how fucked up that was, and because i couldn't see how self-destructive that is.
fuck her disapproval of the things that i wear. i fucking like my clothes. and i don't really give a fuck if you can see my underwear. that's what happens when you wear short ass shirts and hate high-rise pants. and whatever, pants that go higher than the ones i wear give me gas. and no one wants that, srsly. and i've always felt that way; when i was a baby i used to figure out some way to work my diapers down because my mom put them on too high. that's not a fashion thing; it's a comfort thing.
fuck keeping up appearances. how the hell would i entertain myself if not to fuck with people's expectations? and while we're on this subject, fuck my grandmother for telling me she'd better not see me on tv during the parade because 'too many people know i'm her granddaughter'.
fuck her thinking i don't care about other people because i don't just tell them what they want to hear. fuck "not being honest with everyone."
and fuck bras. i wore them for 9 years straight and my tits look nothing like hers.
in short, i hope i never have as many problems as she does. she gives me a fucking headache. have a nice day/evening/night/morning.