day 23: you've got to fill your hunger and stop fucking with my mind
hi friends! i'm trying to comment your entries and reply to comments, but i'm seriously lacking on the time. i promise to catch up... eventually. i still love you, i swear!
last night was bar night, where femsex goes to blake's bar and sells t-shirts and bartends and the funds go to support the program. it was pretty empty. too close to finals, i guess. however, i did get to see kory [the straight girl from the last entry], lara [the hot girl from the last entry], lalea and kate [two girls that i srsly srsly love from the vagina monologues! they have such great energy and it makes me so happy every time i see them], abby [also from vagmon, i heart her], lauren [who was in my class when i took femsex] and several other people. i was very very tired though, so i was more socially awkward than usual.
i mention this for several reasons. first, to say that my crush on kory is a very small one. i still very much love that girl, but as for romantic ends, not so much. this, for some reason, disappoints me. as much as i hate crushes, i still love them. they give me something to dream/fantasize about [because, jesus, who wants to dream about mike shinoda all day?], something to be hoping for, something to be working towards. but it seems i've actually given up the 'serious crushing on girls who don't want me' thing. it's disturbing. and it's good but well... what the hell do i do with my time now? like, when i walked in, kory was singing my name and saying she was going to make sweet love to me, since i'm not her facilitator. and i was only slightly affected.
second, not that attracted to lara anymore. she's still hot, but not so much so that i have to think "fuckdamn she's sexy" every time i see her. did my libido die??
third, to say that i made meera a cake for her birthday, and she was so happy about it. it made me happy. mel, a previous facilitator, said she could tell we were cofacilitators because of the love we were radiating, lol.
fourth, to say that i have let myself drift away from the Vaginas. i don't know why i did this, but i felt sort of like i didn't belong, and as soon as they let me slip through their fingers i did. it's not like i don't love them or want to be around them, it's just that being social takes so much out of me sometimes that i don't wanna be tacked on the end and feel so awkward. at this point i'm only involved in femsex things, and some qarc [queer alliance and resource center... i use a lot of acronyms and such] things. phillip made me an admin of the facebook event for the Day of Silence march qarc is having on campus. i have no idea why. i need to pay less attention to facebook, but i can't help myself.
speaking of qarc, it's queer awareness week and they've been having a lot of events, and tonight was the first one i could make. the double penetration of gay pop culture. we watched an episode of the l word and an episode of queer as folk [my favorite episodes of both; labia majora, and 122, respectively] and had a short discussion afterwards, that i wasn't all that impressed by, but phillip totally tried. afterwards, the high school girl that had been there hit on me. it was very odd, lmao. and i was 3 times as awkward as her. goddamn, friends.
i have no idea how to deal with it when people hit on me. i'm socially awkward like crazy. how am i supposed to actually get some when i don't even know what signals i'm sending out?
funny moment of today: phillip walked into qarc with a bunch of pizza boxes and the people int he hallway were like "can we have some?" and phillip was like "sorry, you have to be gay" and slammed the door. and then he opened it and told them he was kidding. still, hilarious.
i need to sleep. but i'll probably be frantically scribbling that shit!fic i've been writing. goodnight, friends.
last night was bar night, where femsex goes to blake's bar and sells t-shirts and bartends and the funds go to support the program. it was pretty empty. too close to finals, i guess. however, i did get to see kory [the straight girl from the last entry], lara [the hot girl from the last entry], lalea and kate [two girls that i srsly srsly love from the vagina monologues! they have such great energy and it makes me so happy every time i see them], abby [also from vagmon, i heart her], lauren [who was in my class when i took femsex] and several other people. i was very very tired though, so i was more socially awkward than usual.
i mention this for several reasons. first, to say that my crush on kory is a very small one. i still very much love that girl, but as for romantic ends, not so much. this, for some reason, disappoints me. as much as i hate crushes, i still love them. they give me something to dream/fantasize about [because, jesus, who wants to dream about mike shinoda all day?], something to be hoping for, something to be working towards. but it seems i've actually given up the 'serious crushing on girls who don't want me' thing. it's disturbing. and it's good but well... what the hell do i do with my time now? like, when i walked in, kory was singing my name and saying she was going to make sweet love to me, since i'm not her facilitator. and i was only slightly affected.
second, not that attracted to lara anymore. she's still hot, but not so much so that i have to think "fuckdamn she's sexy" every time i see her. did my libido die??
third, to say that i made meera a cake for her birthday, and she was so happy about it. it made me happy. mel, a previous facilitator, said she could tell we were cofacilitators because of the love we were radiating, lol.
fourth, to say that i have let myself drift away from the Vaginas. i don't know why i did this, but i felt sort of like i didn't belong, and as soon as they let me slip through their fingers i did. it's not like i don't love them or want to be around them, it's just that being social takes so much out of me sometimes that i don't wanna be tacked on the end and feel so awkward. at this point i'm only involved in femsex things, and some qarc [queer alliance and resource center... i use a lot of acronyms and such] things. phillip made me an admin of the facebook event for the Day of Silence march qarc is having on campus. i have no idea why. i need to pay less attention to facebook, but i can't help myself.
speaking of qarc, it's queer awareness week and they've been having a lot of events, and tonight was the first one i could make. the double penetration of gay pop culture. we watched an episode of the l word and an episode of queer as folk [my favorite episodes of both; labia majora, and 122, respectively] and had a short discussion afterwards, that i wasn't all that impressed by, but phillip totally tried. afterwards, the high school girl that had been there hit on me. it was very odd, lmao. and i was 3 times as awkward as her. goddamn, friends.
i have no idea how to deal with it when people hit on me. i'm socially awkward like crazy. how am i supposed to actually get some when i don't even know what signals i'm sending out?
funny moment of today: phillip walked into qarc with a bunch of pizza boxes and the people int he hallway were like "can we have some?" and phillip was like "sorry, you have to be gay" and slammed the door. and then he opened it and told them he was kidding. still, hilarious.
i need to sleep. but i'll probably be frantically scribbling that shit!fic i've been writing. goodnight, friends.