day 5: this is your time this is your life and, this is your time this is your life and...
i opened this window seven hours ago with the intention of updating, and have since been trying to formulate exactly how i'm going to say what i'm going to say. i still haven't really found a way, but at this point, i might as well just spit it out.
i guess a lot of things have brought me to this point. a conversation with louis the other night about how i would probably be a big emotional drunk who would call him to make fucked up confessions. i said "well i'm just a big emotional person, so whatever." to which he replied, "exactly my point."
jen asking me if i was alright and offering to help/distract me, before i even realized i had hit a low point definitely played a part. she saw me on the decline before i saw myself declining. i can't describe how that makes me feel.
niki called me yesterday, to offer to send my dress from winter formal so that i could wear it to queer formal. she asked how i was and i forced myself not to lie. she was asking me questions and i was trying to answer, trying to explain, but it didn't happen. it didn't come out. all she could say was, "...you're being very vague right now. can you elaborate?" and i somehow couldn't. i suppose talking to darbrielle and louis so much has got me thinkin i'm so selfish and can only talk about myself, but when my sister is asking me to explain, i can't. i had honestly thought i was past this, but apparently not. i didn't even really want to talk about it.
the conversation with darbrielle about being pathetic and jamie's comment about change and mina saying she wants to drastically change her life and joobie saying nothing ever changes and really, a bunch of other shit all had a hand in it.
i've been critically thinking about my life and about choices and self-pity recently. i like to look back at how depressed i was and laugh at myself. i like to laugh about how my mom was embarrassed of me and i'd just cry. it's not funny in the "i can't believe i was so dumb/stupid/fragile" way, because i'm still that fragile, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. how to explain it? i don't think i can. my past isn't funny, but i definitely find ways to laugh about it. perhaps i'm insane? yea, i'll take that.
but looking back at this time last year, i can't laugh at all. because i still feel way too much of that pain for me to feel anything but sadness and disappointment. this time last year, was i thinking i'd be feeling the exact same way i was then? fuck no. people grow, change, etc. i don't know. i was wrong. i go in constant circles of happy to sad. i'm constantly up and then i'm down. maybe that's human nature. but i know it's not human nature the way my life keep repeating itself. it's not coincidence that i'm always after someone i can't be with. it's not luck of the draw that i just happen not to like the people that like me. it's just not possible for things to be like this for this fucking long without me having a hand in it.
there was this episode of Queer as Folk usa in season 1 [forgive me for not recalling which episode], where ted was telling michael that he needs to recognize his own worth, and let go of his superunrequited love for brian. ted was saying that we do this to ourselves because we don't think we really deserve to be loved. i can't speak for everyone, but i think that's me. i've been thinking for so long, wondering what i'm doing wrong and i couldn't find it. but that could be it; i haven't loved myself enough to recognize that i deserve someone who feels the same. and damn it i do deserve more than dreams and my imagination to keep me company.
i've been wondering lately, as it seems a lot of you also have, how to make the circles stop. how to make a real change. i was talking to louis about it and he basically said that, because the circles are my own doing, i need to make the conscious choice not to go in circles anymore. it's not something that magically happens by avoiding certain things or trying certain other things, but something i need to choose to do.
of course, that sounds a bit like utter bullshit, and really, he should fucking talk. but at the same time, there's something to it, i think. people make choices. every day we make choices and i will not claim that our entire fate is in our own hands or that if you don't thrive it's because you don't try, because i don't subscribe to that neoliberal bullshit, gags. i also won't tell you i know the answers to your problems. but i will say this; sometimes we can fix things. sometimes we just need a new approach. and sometimes we just need to tear everything down and start again. whatever it is, it's your choice. and i'm choosing to work around the things i can't change and completely reconstruct the things i can.
i guess a lot of things have brought me to this point. a conversation with louis the other night about how i would probably be a big emotional drunk who would call him to make fucked up confessions. i said "well i'm just a big emotional person, so whatever." to which he replied, "exactly my point."
jen asking me if i was alright and offering to help/distract me, before i even realized i had hit a low point definitely played a part. she saw me on the decline before i saw myself declining. i can't describe how that makes me feel.
niki called me yesterday, to offer to send my dress from winter formal so that i could wear it to queer formal. she asked how i was and i forced myself not to lie. she was asking me questions and i was trying to answer, trying to explain, but it didn't happen. it didn't come out. all she could say was, "...you're being very vague right now. can you elaborate?" and i somehow couldn't. i suppose talking to darbrielle and louis so much has got me thinkin i'm so selfish and can only talk about myself, but when my sister is asking me to explain, i can't. i had honestly thought i was past this, but apparently not. i didn't even really want to talk about it.
the conversation with darbrielle about being pathetic and jamie's comment about change and mina saying she wants to drastically change her life and joobie saying nothing ever changes and really, a bunch of other shit all had a hand in it.
i've been critically thinking about my life and about choices and self-pity recently. i like to look back at how depressed i was and laugh at myself. i like to laugh about how my mom was embarrassed of me and i'd just cry. it's not funny in the "i can't believe i was so dumb/stupid/fragile" way, because i'm still that fragile, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. how to explain it? i don't think i can. my past isn't funny, but i definitely find ways to laugh about it. perhaps i'm insane? yea, i'll take that.
but looking back at this time last year, i can't laugh at all. because i still feel way too much of that pain for me to feel anything but sadness and disappointment. this time last year, was i thinking i'd be feeling the exact same way i was then? fuck no. people grow, change, etc. i don't know. i was wrong. i go in constant circles of happy to sad. i'm constantly up and then i'm down. maybe that's human nature. but i know it's not human nature the way my life keep repeating itself. it's not coincidence that i'm always after someone i can't be with. it's not luck of the draw that i just happen not to like the people that like me. it's just not possible for things to be like this for this fucking long without me having a hand in it.
there was this episode of Queer as Folk usa in season 1 [forgive me for not recalling which episode], where ted was telling michael that he needs to recognize his own worth, and let go of his superunrequited love for brian. ted was saying that we do this to ourselves because we don't think we really deserve to be loved. i can't speak for everyone, but i think that's me. i've been thinking for so long, wondering what i'm doing wrong and i couldn't find it. but that could be it; i haven't loved myself enough to recognize that i deserve someone who feels the same. and damn it i do deserve more than dreams and my imagination to keep me company.
i've been wondering lately, as it seems a lot of you also have, how to make the circles stop. how to make a real change. i was talking to louis about it and he basically said that, because the circles are my own doing, i need to make the conscious choice not to go in circles anymore. it's not something that magically happens by avoiding certain things or trying certain other things, but something i need to choose to do.
of course, that sounds a bit like utter bullshit, and really, he should fucking talk. but at the same time, there's something to it, i think. people make choices. every day we make choices and i will not claim that our entire fate is in our own hands or that if you don't thrive it's because you don't try, because i don't subscribe to that neoliberal bullshit, gags. i also won't tell you i know the answers to your problems. but i will say this; sometimes we can fix things. sometimes we just need a new approach. and sometimes we just need to tear everything down and start again. whatever it is, it's your choice. and i'm choosing to work around the things i can't change and completely reconstruct the things i can.