cuz i don't belive in you anymore, anymore...
ross said something the other day like "i need to stop falling for girls i can't have," and i said something like "lol, my life story." the next day i got a message from chloe that she did actually get my text and she's sorry she took so long to say this, but she doesn't feel the same. meh, i kinda figured. and it's sad when i reach the point where i don't even believe that someone like her could like me too. it's silly too, because i have so much love for myself. i'm smart and funny and insightful, aware, poetic at times, creative, bold [come on, i have anime hair rofl], i care about people, and i believe in change. and so much more other great shit. i inspire people, dude.
it's just that this self-love somehow never translates over into self-esteem. i was under the impression that they were the same thing, but more and more it's becoming clear to me that they're not even similar. because as much as [as james brown said] "sometimes i feel so nice, good god. i jump back; i wanna kiss myself," i still know that no one else feels this way. i still know that if i ever crush on anyone first, they're never going to want to be with me. i still know that every time i feel the urge to make the first move, it's going to make the other person uncomfortable.
i know what you're thinking; what about brittany? and genne? they both told me they liked me before i even considered making a move. brittany told me she like me 6 months before i realized i felt the same!
where's my evidence, then? oh, i dunno, jamie, shonee, louis, serenity, chloe. and we're not even going to mention those crushes i never let the other person know i had. it's always the same story. but, chloe did something the others never did. she told me, flat out, that she does not want to be with me. and it's a shame. it's a fucking shame that i admire her for her honesty. do you know that louis never actually told me he didn't want to be with me? do you know that for two years i was his best friend who wanted more from him than he would ever want to give me?
i just feel so fucking ridiculous. i always let this happen to me and it's not fucking fair. because you know what? yea, i am a great friend. that much has been established. but i could be so much more than that. i could be so much better. i could be a great lover, a great partner. but it's like... this is what i'm supposed to always be. nothing more. ever.
i am so fucking pathetic. do you know that all my life all i've ever dreamed of is those relationships everyone else in the fucking world seems to have, but me? it's not perfect. they fight, they have sex, they hold hands, they have issues, they love each other, they spend time together. why haven't i had that? why don't i deserve that? why do i have the be the friend you drag along in the dirt that's too proud to admit what you're doing to her? why do i have to be the one tortured by your presence when all you want is to be my friend? it wouldn't be such a big deal if this weren't always the fucking case.
i was thinking this morning about all the fantasies i allowed myself to entertain. and i feel like such an idiot for ever imagining any of that shit. i feel like such a fool for having hope, yet again, even though i fucking knew better. i fucking knew better.