there is almost nothing in between..
hello, friends! it feels like i haven't updated in long time, but it's only been a few days. well i have plenty to tell you anyway.
i totally don't believe in Thanksgiving, and am actually morally against the celebration of the decimation of a race. john texted me and asked me what i was doing for "turkey day" and i kind of bitched him out which was pretty rude, but i have trouble controlling my anger about certain things. then like an hour later, after i had cooled down, paco called and asked me to come to the city for dinner. and i really felt like a hypocrite for going, and i'm sure i could make up an excuse or several but i don't think i deserve one. it was probably because i didn't want to be alone on the day when i'm never alone, and i was missing home. either way, i went to San Francisco on Thursday and had dinner with juan and shane and angel and paco and justine and company. btw, i only really like paco and angel and marcus. marcus was not invited to dinner, because of some drama that i have no clue about and am glad to have no part in. the other's i'm ok with.
i ended up having to pray over dinner, which was pretty dumb. the people at the table were insisting that someone pray, but no one wanted to pray. for almost 10 minutes, they went back and forth telling each other to pray and finally i did it, just so we could eat. the last time i prayed over thanksgiving dinner i was 12, and it felt awful, but i couldn't actually articulate why. but on thursday i knew why. i was praying to a god i don't believe in, on a holiday i'm morally against, to bless food that i don't believe in eating, for people i'm not even that fond of. and i asked myself, as i said "Amen," what the hell am i doing with my life? and when i opened my eyes, the hole where the turkey's head used to be was staring at me. fantastic.
but dinner was nice, and i'm glad i went. [i contradict myself a lot, don't i?]
thursday night, i got an email from morgan [who works at GenEq and is made of awesome] asking if i wanted to get coffee on friday afternoon because she's been "wanting to go out with [me] for a while". that made me terribly excited me and for the next 15 hours i wondered if she wanted to meet for coffee as friends or potentially more. but then i decided it was only coffee, so it didn't matter that much. afterwards, i was satisfied that i hadn't actually bored the life out of her, confirmed the next night when she texted to ask me out to lunch.. =D
saturday night i lost my wallet, outside the burger stand courtney and i were having fries at, which really sucked.
i've been on and off working on my nano, have given up hope of finishing, but do want to try still. i was writing up a scene on saturday night that started a major plot point, because one of the major things Anaya learns is that she needs to be honest [LULZ SPOILER!!] and it occured to me, via a dream that night, that i might very well be making the same mistake. so all of sunday morning/afternoon, and even through the evening, i worried about whether i was in the wrong already with morgan.
let me elaborate. well, if you've been my friend for more than a day and a half, you know who louis is. but to shorthand it for those of you who still aren't quite sure, i'm in an open relationship with louis, and have been for the past 2 years, almost. at first i couldn't understand why we weren't in what i then defined as "a relationship", which really translated into the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing, and all that comes along with it. but that wasn't what he wanted, not because he didn't want it with me, but because the boyfriend-girlfriend thing is just not what he wants. so i figured i'd either get over him or he'd finally give in, whichever happened first, but here we are almost 2 years later, still together in the same way we were then. i haven't been seeing other people, not out of choice or loyalty, but because everyone i like tends not to like me back. and now that morgan's sliding into the picture, she deserves to know what she's getting into right off the bat, yes? because an open relationship in which all parties involve don't know isn't an open relationship. it's cheating.
so i posted a myspace bulletin, asked people via aim, called my mom, posted an entry on polyamory, asking people when i'm supposed to tell her. casey said on the 2nd or 3rd date, louis said when i met her, billy and krystelle and brandon didn't quite understand what i was getting at, genne [basically] said it was none of morgan's business, my mom [skank!] said i shouldn't tell her because louis and i aren't having sex yet. i already knew what i was going to do, but i love surveying people to see how they operate. and some people really disappointed me. either way, i told morgan yesterday morning and she said it wasn't a problem, and that she was all for open relationships. and i had been stressing myself out for no reason.
and sunday evening i got a Facebook message from this dude, Taein, who had found my wallet!! Oh Facebook, despite all those dumb application invitations i get every day, how you save lives. sunday night i helped my friend courtney pack her stuff and move, and my arms are still sore, lmao.
yesterday was just long. i was tired when i woke up, couldn't go back to sleep, wasted time on the interwebz, wrote some, was hungry. i hiked up to Afro House [which is up this steep ass hill] to see pam, who had printed up my application for the GenEq internship, which i could not do because i couldn't print it out because i couldn't get into the library because i didn't have my ID... which was in my wallet. and i couldn't catch the bus because my bus pass was my ID... which was in my wallet. pam bought me lunch which was cool. i went back home and tried to sleep, but couldn't, so i started working on my application until Taein called to ask if we could meet up and so i walked the 15 minute walk to his place in 10 minutes, then walked back home to finish my application about 10 minutes before it was due, and ran up the 18-25 minute walk in 8 minutes to turn it in. i felt like i was going to die. i need to get in shape, srsly. either that, or start doing assignments on time. it was so weird because in my omg-my-heart-is-beating-in-my-throat-i'm-going-to-vomit moment, i got the urge to call billy... who was exhausted from working out at the gym. he doesn't work out, and i don't run, but we were both totally winded as we talked to each other. and i had this moment where i contemplated human nature and connectedness and fate and coincidence, and i had something really deep to say, but then i forgot.
so i walked back home, gathered my items, and walked back to campus for femsex. yesterday class was really fascinating and i loved the conversations we had. anyway, the application to facilitate is due thursday [aka the last day of nanowrimo] but hopefully it won't end the same way my internship app did. >.>
oh, and morgan and i are going out to lunch today. =)
i totally don't believe in Thanksgiving, and am actually morally against the celebration of the decimation of a race. john texted me and asked me what i was doing for "turkey day" and i kind of bitched him out which was pretty rude, but i have trouble controlling my anger about certain things. then like an hour later, after i had cooled down, paco called and asked me to come to the city for dinner. and i really felt like a hypocrite for going, and i'm sure i could make up an excuse or several but i don't think i deserve one. it was probably because i didn't want to be alone on the day when i'm never alone, and i was missing home. either way, i went to San Francisco on Thursday and had dinner with juan and shane and angel and paco and justine and company. btw, i only really like paco and angel and marcus. marcus was not invited to dinner, because of some drama that i have no clue about and am glad to have no part in. the other's i'm ok with.
i ended up having to pray over dinner, which was pretty dumb. the people at the table were insisting that someone pray, but no one wanted to pray. for almost 10 minutes, they went back and forth telling each other to pray and finally i did it, just so we could eat. the last time i prayed over thanksgiving dinner i was 12, and it felt awful, but i couldn't actually articulate why. but on thursday i knew why. i was praying to a god i don't believe in, on a holiday i'm morally against, to bless food that i don't believe in eating, for people i'm not even that fond of. and i asked myself, as i said "Amen," what the hell am i doing with my life? and when i opened my eyes, the hole where the turkey's head used to be was staring at me. fantastic.
but dinner was nice, and i'm glad i went. [i contradict myself a lot, don't i?]
thursday night, i got an email from morgan [who works at GenEq and is made of awesome] asking if i wanted to get coffee on friday afternoon because she's been "wanting to go out with [me] for a while". that made me terribly excited me and for the next 15 hours i wondered if she wanted to meet for coffee as friends or potentially more. but then i decided it was only coffee, so it didn't matter that much. afterwards, i was satisfied that i hadn't actually bored the life out of her, confirmed the next night when she texted to ask me out to lunch.. =D
saturday night i lost my wallet, outside the burger stand courtney and i were having fries at, which really sucked.
i've been on and off working on my nano, have given up hope of finishing, but do want to try still. i was writing up a scene on saturday night that started a major plot point, because one of the major things Anaya learns is that she needs to be honest [LULZ SPOILER!!] and it occured to me, via a dream that night, that i might very well be making the same mistake. so all of sunday morning/afternoon, and even through the evening, i worried about whether i was in the wrong already with morgan.
let me elaborate. well, if you've been my friend for more than a day and a half, you know who louis is. but to shorthand it for those of you who still aren't quite sure, i'm in an open relationship with louis, and have been for the past 2 years, almost. at first i couldn't understand why we weren't in what i then defined as "a relationship", which really translated into the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing, and all that comes along with it. but that wasn't what he wanted, not because he didn't want it with me, but because the boyfriend-girlfriend thing is just not what he wants. so i figured i'd either get over him or he'd finally give in, whichever happened first, but here we are almost 2 years later, still together in the same way we were then. i haven't been seeing other people, not out of choice or loyalty, but because everyone i like tends not to like me back. and now that morgan's sliding into the picture, she deserves to know what she's getting into right off the bat, yes? because an open relationship in which all parties involve don't know isn't an open relationship. it's cheating.
so i posted a myspace bulletin, asked people via aim, called my mom, posted an entry on polyamory, asking people when i'm supposed to tell her. casey said on the 2nd or 3rd date, louis said when i met her, billy and krystelle and brandon didn't quite understand what i was getting at, genne [basically] said it was none of morgan's business, my mom [skank!] said i shouldn't tell her because louis and i aren't having sex yet. i already knew what i was going to do, but i love surveying people to see how they operate. and some people really disappointed me. either way, i told morgan yesterday morning and she said it wasn't a problem, and that she was all for open relationships. and i had been stressing myself out for no reason.
and sunday evening i got a Facebook message from this dude, Taein, who had found my wallet!! Oh Facebook, despite all those dumb application invitations i get every day, how you save lives. sunday night i helped my friend courtney pack her stuff and move, and my arms are still sore, lmao.
yesterday was just long. i was tired when i woke up, couldn't go back to sleep, wasted time on the interwebz, wrote some, was hungry. i hiked up to Afro House [which is up this steep ass hill] to see pam, who had printed up my application for the GenEq internship, which i could not do because i couldn't print it out because i couldn't get into the library because i didn't have my ID... which was in my wallet. and i couldn't catch the bus because my bus pass was my ID... which was in my wallet. pam bought me lunch which was cool. i went back home and tried to sleep, but couldn't, so i started working on my application until Taein called to ask if we could meet up and so i walked the 15 minute walk to his place in 10 minutes, then walked back home to finish my application about 10 minutes before it was due, and ran up the 18-25 minute walk in 8 minutes to turn it in. i felt like i was going to die. i need to get in shape, srsly. either that, or start doing assignments on time. it was so weird because in my omg-my-heart-is-beating-in-my-throat-i'm-going-to-vomit moment, i got the urge to call billy... who was exhausted from working out at the gym. he doesn't work out, and i don't run, but we were both totally winded as we talked to each other. and i had this moment where i contemplated human nature and connectedness and fate and coincidence, and i had something really deep to say, but then i forgot.
so i walked back home, gathered my items, and walked back to campus for femsex. yesterday class was really fascinating and i loved the conversations we had. anyway, the application to facilitate is due thursday [aka the last day of nanowrimo] but hopefully it won't end the same way my internship app did. >.>
oh, and morgan and i are going out to lunch today. =)