you're makin me live
so here's the thing.
i've been meaning to write an entry about chloe for a long time, but always come up short on what, exactly, to say. we met for the first time in october 2006, when momma and i came to berkeley for orientation. chloe and i were spring admits, which means that our orientation was after all the other freshman had started classes at berkeley. chloe's mom (one of the only other dark-skinned people there) and dad totally hit it off with my mom, and they decided to ditch their orientation together to go get pizza and shit. it was pretty much hilarious, because i was being a good kid, sitting in my boring and not-all-that-informative sessions, and i get a text from my mom telling her to meet her by the fountain because she was going to get me pizza.
when i got there, it was literally my mom turning to me all, "this is chloe. she's weird like you," handing me a Fat Slice, and leaving with chloe's parents back to their orientation shit. ((for values of weird, see: gay.))
this is not a period of time in which my mother and i saw eye-to-eye on issues of my sexuality. her introducing me to a girl? out of this world insane. i didn't know how to react at all. also, i was hella shy. chloe tried to talk to me, but i really wasn't engaging with her very much. ((i honestly didn't think she actually wanted to be talking to me, and this was during a FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. >=| period of my life. so.))
she thought i was a total bitch. we didn't meet again for another year, through the vagina monologues. we got a little close during that time, and i realized i had a giant crush on her. that clouded our relationship a bit, lmao. i eventually let her know how i felt, and a month or so later, she informed me that she did not feel the same way (story of my life, lolz). i was pretty sad about it, and she was pretty awkward about it, for a while. i really don't know what happened in that time. but later that year we were both working on vagmons stuff and became friends.
we have the same major, and suddenly we had classes together. she insisted we sit next to each other, and we eventually became the loud black queer womyn in the back of the class (problematizing ur theorizing and making ur professor love us). i went with her to get her nipples pierced, and several months later she went with me to get mine done.
it's one of those things. she went from being someone i sorta knew, to someone i was acquaintances with, to someone that is such a given in my life that i sometimes forget to mention her. the offical Best Friend stuff didn't start until like february of this year, but the more i think about it, the more apparent it is that we've been bffs for at least a year and a half. when she first started calling me her best friend, i would get this pleased little flush (that you couldn't see, of curse, but it was there).
and since making our relationship official, we've become kind of ridiculously codependent. we pretty much know what the other is doing basically all the time. we're usually doing it together (for example, the orgy), or planning to meet up later that day. we're fucking dorks, always problematizing and theorizing and questioning and enjoying silly little shit. we're also pretty douchey together, and that's awesome too.
((astrological aside: she's a gemini and i'm a cancer. both of our rising signs are Leo. and her moon sign is Virgo while mine is Capricorn. in sum: all three of our main signs are compatible. it's kind of ridiculous, and explains tiffa's assertions that we are creepily similar.))
all this background to try to piece together an explanation of what is happening to me right now. chloe's moving back to southern california two days after graduation, indefinitely.
how am i supposed to go out without her? who's going to talk me into smoking and drinking when it's not actually all that advisable (and vice versa)? who's going to party with me and laugh with me and be lame with me and talk shit with me and understand what i'm trying to say when i just don't have the right words and embarrass me and be mad when i embarrass her and talk me down when i'm freaking out about my ridiculous lovelife and go to talks with me and theorize with me? who's going to text/call me excessively to make sure i'm on my way to wherever i'm meeting her?
i know. i know this isn't the end of our bffship. i'm just upset because i don't want a long distance best friend. i want someone who'll come over and smoke with me just because there's nothing better to do. i want to make awkward inside jokes while other people eye us strangely. i want to have someone by my side who makes every space a safe space for me, who makes ti possible for me to speak up and be an idiot and not feel bad about it. i want to go to butta and ships in the night and wherever with someone who is loud and will say the things aloud that i definitely prefer not to voice.
it's not like i won't still have kory or many of my other good friends here. it's just that chloe is someone i can count on, period. she doesn't care how often i randomly start talking about brendon urie or panic or linkin park or travis mccoy, because i don't care often she randomly starts talking about paramore or erlinda or whichever love interest is bugging her these days. she unfailingly responds to text messages and understands that i'm kinda lame, and comfortable in my lameness. i understand that she's sensitive and passionate and sometimes has to bitch about things for a while. she likes to flaunt our bromance in the faces of our mutual friends, and i usually just trail along in silence, because i know that our friendship speaks for itself. i don't need to tell people how close we are, when we're always laughing at seemingly random shit, have way too many inside jokes, and are constantly tapping our fists together and showing up places at the same time. also, we refer to each other as bff, lmao.
the only reason i'm writing this at all is because i'm fucking upset that things are about to change so dramatically. because i'm scared.
because she's one of the most misunderstood people in my life
because we can be douchey together while still being critical
because she's a fucking weirdo like me
because she eats the banana runts, and i hate those.
because i never have to compromise even the smallest bit of myself with her, and she is the quickest to call me on my self-mocking bullshit.
because she believes in me
because she's been with me during the reclamation of my Black identity and knows what it means to me in a way i can't explain to anyone.
because we're both obsessed with/addicted to piercings and tattoos
because
because
(i'm the highest up. she's the middle.)
because
because
because she's there for me and she needs me back.
she gets upset every time i bring it up. but i really, really don't want her to go.
i've been meaning to write an entry about chloe for a long time, but always come up short on what, exactly, to say. we met for the first time in october 2006, when momma and i came to berkeley for orientation. chloe and i were spring admits, which means that our orientation was after all the other freshman had started classes at berkeley. chloe's mom (one of the only other dark-skinned people there) and dad totally hit it off with my mom, and they decided to ditch their orientation together to go get pizza and shit. it was pretty much hilarious, because i was being a good kid, sitting in my boring and not-all-that-informative sessions, and i get a text from my mom telling her to meet her by the fountain because she was going to get me pizza.
when i got there, it was literally my mom turning to me all, "this is chloe. she's weird like you," handing me a Fat Slice, and leaving with chloe's parents back to their orientation shit. ((for values of weird, see: gay.))
this is not a period of time in which my mother and i saw eye-to-eye on issues of my sexuality. her introducing me to a girl? out of this world insane. i didn't know how to react at all. also, i was hella shy. chloe tried to talk to me, but i really wasn't engaging with her very much. ((i honestly didn't think she actually wanted to be talking to me, and this was during a FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. >=| period of my life. so.))
she thought i was a total bitch. we didn't meet again for another year, through the vagina monologues. we got a little close during that time, and i realized i had a giant crush on her. that clouded our relationship a bit, lmao. i eventually let her know how i felt, and a month or so later, she informed me that she did not feel the same way (story of my life, lolz). i was pretty sad about it, and she was pretty awkward about it, for a while. i really don't know what happened in that time. but later that year we were both working on vagmons stuff and became friends.
we have the same major, and suddenly we had classes together. she insisted we sit next to each other, and we eventually became the loud black queer womyn in the back of the class (problematizing ur theorizing and making ur professor love us). i went with her to get her nipples pierced, and several months later she went with me to get mine done.
it's one of those things. she went from being someone i sorta knew, to someone i was acquaintances with, to someone that is such a given in my life that i sometimes forget to mention her. the offical Best Friend stuff didn't start until like february of this year, but the more i think about it, the more apparent it is that we've been bffs for at least a year and a half. when she first started calling me her best friend, i would get this pleased little flush (that you couldn't see, of curse, but it was there).
and since making our relationship official, we've become kind of ridiculously codependent. we pretty much know what the other is doing basically all the time. we're usually doing it together (for example, the orgy), or planning to meet up later that day. we're fucking dorks, always problematizing and theorizing and questioning and enjoying silly little shit. we're also pretty douchey together, and that's awesome too.
((astrological aside: she's a gemini and i'm a cancer. both of our rising signs are Leo. and her moon sign is Virgo while mine is Capricorn. in sum: all three of our main signs are compatible. it's kind of ridiculous, and explains tiffa's assertions that we are creepily similar.))
all this background to try to piece together an explanation of what is happening to me right now. chloe's moving back to southern california two days after graduation, indefinitely.
how am i supposed to go out without her? who's going to talk me into smoking and drinking when it's not actually all that advisable (and vice versa)? who's going to party with me and laugh with me and be lame with me and talk shit with me and understand what i'm trying to say when i just don't have the right words and embarrass me and be mad when i embarrass her and talk me down when i'm freaking out about my ridiculous lovelife and go to talks with me and theorize with me? who's going to text/call me excessively to make sure i'm on my way to wherever i'm meeting her?
i know. i know this isn't the end of our bffship. i'm just upset because i don't want a long distance best friend. i want someone who'll come over and smoke with me just because there's nothing better to do. i want to make awkward inside jokes while other people eye us strangely. i want to have someone by my side who makes every space a safe space for me, who makes ti possible for me to speak up and be an idiot and not feel bad about it. i want to go to butta and ships in the night and wherever with someone who is loud and will say the things aloud that i definitely prefer not to voice.
it's not like i won't still have kory or many of my other good friends here. it's just that chloe is someone i can count on, period. she doesn't care how often i randomly start talking about brendon urie or panic or linkin park or travis mccoy, because i don't care often she randomly starts talking about paramore or erlinda or whichever love interest is bugging her these days. she unfailingly responds to text messages and understands that i'm kinda lame, and comfortable in my lameness. i understand that she's sensitive and passionate and sometimes has to bitch about things for a while. she likes to flaunt our bromance in the faces of our mutual friends, and i usually just trail along in silence, because i know that our friendship speaks for itself. i don't need to tell people how close we are, when we're always laughing at seemingly random shit, have way too many inside jokes, and are constantly tapping our fists together and showing up places at the same time. also, we refer to each other as bff, lmao.
the only reason i'm writing this at all is because i'm fucking upset that things are about to change so dramatically. because i'm scared.
because she's one of the most misunderstood people in my life
because we can be douchey together while still being critical
because she's a fucking weirdo like me
because she eats the banana runts, and i hate those.
because i never have to compromise even the smallest bit of myself with her, and she is the quickest to call me on my self-mocking bullshit.
because she believes in me
because she's been with me during the reclamation of my Black identity and knows what it means to me in a way i can't explain to anyone.
because we're both obsessed with/addicted to piercings and tattoos
because
because
(i'm the highest up. she's the middle.)
because
because
because she's there for me and she needs me back.
she gets upset every time i bring it up. but i really, really don't want her to go.