i've become blind - have a lost my mind?
so, on some real shit?
i am absolutely terrified of everything that 2010 is supposed to bring. i'm trying to build a base of support for myself, so that maybe i will make it unscathed. i'm trying to support myself and find what i need but it would help if i knew what i needed. i'm working on it. bear with me.
in other news, the internet still doesn't work at home. i am at cafe milano eatin a chocolate croissant feelin like a cool college student lol. only i'm posting in my lj and fuckin around on fbook so i guess not. =D
i've been going through my writing folder on my computer, and found some interesting shit! i used to write some srs badfic people. you have no idea. unless, of course, you were around the Linkin Park fandom in 2004 (some of you were; poor souls). the best part is that, yes, badfic is hilarious, but my old writing has this noticeable personality to it, this undeniable tracieness underneath. and i wonder when i stopped being so willing to give pieces of myself in my writing so freely. now it feels like every time there's even a little bit of me in there i have to question its validity or whatever.
i'm concerned about the peace that i achieved last year and how i never saved any of it or let it grow into anything. i never let it become a painting or a fic or even a series of journal entries recording and bookmarking everything that i'd been thinking about. i'm afraid that i have left that peace behind and can't find it anymore because i didn't write down the recipe. i guess i had just assumed my peace was just ~in the air~ in Berkeley or something,a nd that as soon as i came back here i would immediately put it back on, like a favorite sweater to keep my warm and protect me from sunburn or whatever else.
it's occurring to me that, while i'm more okay with the little pieces of myself than i've ever been, i'm holding them closer to me than ever. the long and short of my excuses is that i don't think people will care, and that i often think it would be a waste to put all my shit out there for no reason. but i also know that i need to get over it because i'm not doing it for anyone else. i need to do this for myself. and you're along for the ride~~
off to do more writing! (bandom/csi crossover on the brainnn - this is what i get for getting high and watching csi late at night) take care of yourselves, friends. ♥
i am absolutely terrified of everything that 2010 is supposed to bring. i'm trying to build a base of support for myself, so that maybe i will make it unscathed. i'm trying to support myself and find what i need but it would help if i knew what i needed. i'm working on it. bear with me.
in other news, the internet still doesn't work at home. i am at cafe milano eatin a chocolate croissant feelin like a cool college student lol. only i'm posting in my lj and fuckin around on fbook so i guess not. =D
i've been going through my writing folder on my computer, and found some interesting shit! i used to write some srs badfic people. you have no idea. unless, of course, you were around the Linkin Park fandom in 2004 (some of you were; poor souls). the best part is that, yes, badfic is hilarious, but my old writing has this noticeable personality to it, this undeniable tracieness underneath. and i wonder when i stopped being so willing to give pieces of myself in my writing so freely. now it feels like every time there's even a little bit of me in there i have to question its validity or whatever.
i'm concerned about the peace that i achieved last year and how i never saved any of it or let it grow into anything. i never let it become a painting or a fic or even a series of journal entries recording and bookmarking everything that i'd been thinking about. i'm afraid that i have left that peace behind and can't find it anymore because i didn't write down the recipe. i guess i had just assumed my peace was just ~in the air~ in Berkeley or something,a nd that as soon as i came back here i would immediately put it back on, like a favorite sweater to keep my warm and protect me from sunburn or whatever else.
it's occurring to me that, while i'm more okay with the little pieces of myself than i've ever been, i'm holding them closer to me than ever. the long and short of my excuses is that i don't think people will care, and that i often think it would be a waste to put all my shit out there for no reason. but i also know that i need to get over it because i'm not doing it for anyone else. i need to do this for myself. and you're along for the ride~~
off to do more writing! (bandom/csi crossover on the brainnn - this is what i get for getting high and watching csi late at night) take care of yourselves, friends. ♥