just believe
- have a fuckin list!
- today at safeway i spent 68 bucks on SO MUCH SHIT. they had all these crazy "buy several of this item for ridiculously reduced prices!!!!!" situations, and i ended up with two giant boxes of Cap'n Crunch (with fucking sharks and shit in them!), four boxes of cake (it ended up 1.25 each!! i do not need four fucking cakes, whattheshit!) and a bunch of other shit i didn't walk in intending to buy. but whatever. hella cheap.
- Dell is sending my a new computer. i am okay with this.
- Nina (muthafuckin) Hartley came to talk for us today. it was motherfucking awesome, as always. she was all excited to see me! and i was hella excited to see her. i love her, seriously. she's got so much energy and she's so quirky and knows so much shit. and she's just got this... vibe about her that's so totally awesome. and she knows her way around a body, okay. chloe was hella gettin worked up in the corner, and by the end, everyone wanted nina to nibble on their ears and shit. i tried to stay off to the side, because i've had the privilege many a time and i wanted to give the students a chance to experience the badassedness of nina lovin. but at the end of the talk, she came over to hug me, bite my neck and pull my hair. gahhhhhh.
loveher. did i mention this?
she asked if i had her email, and i said yes, and she said that i could email her any time. but i'm not sure what she meant by this! what should i be emailing her about? can i email her about my srs self-esteem issues with regard to sex? or about her flogging me the next time i'm in la? maybe, yea. idk!! - my students are awesome. we spent all of class tonight doing check-ins. it was totally needed, though. sometimes we just need that support. and i'm okay with that. porn night is tomorrow!!
- on monday, i was at a talk on Sacred Sexuality and Erotic Wellness for Womyn, and at one point we were doing breathwork and closing our eyes and remembering the best sex we've ever had. it could be sex with ourselves, or whatever. i have a very short repertoire to be flipping through (unless you're talking masturbation, in which case we'd be thinking about it all night), but the one that surfaced pretty immediately was. well, not something i considered sex. but defining Sex is fucking complicated and not worth it most of the time. but the fact that this experience almost immediately popped into my head as the best sex i've ever had meant something to me.
Mkali-Hashiki was asking us to remember what that sex felt like, and what it felt like after, and what the next day felt like. did we feel different? did we smile at people more? did the feeling, the sensation, the energy stay with us? where was the feeling centered? were we laughing the next day? was there a lightness to us that wasn't there before? she asked us to think about that feeling, about the center of that feeling.
and she asked, what would it look like if that feeling affected our daily lives? what would it look like if we carried that feeling with us while we washed dishes, while we cleaned our rooms, while we walked down the street? that feeling is in us. and it's up to us whether or not we channel it and use the power of that feeling to live our lives differently.
and isn't that just crazy? isn't it fucking insane to think about? but i'm. i want to do that. i want to consciously tap into that light, that laughter bubbling up my chest, that smile that would not stay reigned in, that 'who gives a fuck if it technically wasn't sex'? i want to hold on to that and not just wait around for someone that i can try to replicate it with. i want to find that meaning and that power and that eroticism within myself. i don't know how else to say it. i'm going to think on it more.
take care of yourselves, friends. it means something.