be the one to leave this in pieces
I returned from Long Beach last week, and I have much to tell you.
So Paco, Marcus and I stacked some items and ourselves into Paco's car for the 6 hour drive to Long Beach Friday afternoon. It was fun, dancing, singing badly, cracking rude jokes at one another. Then, at about 11pm somewhere along the empty road known as the I-5, we had a serious conversation. About what it's like to be a Black student at respected mostly white universities, about racism in the gay community, about homophobia in the black community, about the Christian Bible, all that good stuff. It feels good to have intelligent conversation with my friends every so often.
Saturday started out awful. No one was communicating with each other about what was supposed to happen, no one knew where we were going, Mick and Mack's wasn't serving cheese fries... just bad. then the twelve of us compiled in Brandon and Paco's 5-seat cars and went to Redondo Beach and that was fun.
john flicked marcus off
marcus was appalled.
you can see my friends coming from a mile away.
took random pictures of edgar and billy's coke bottle
and nique talking
and juan being awesome. by the way this is not the same juan from previous entries. that juan, juan E., has 2 jobs and no time for posse things except like Rage. this juan is billy's juan and he has absolutely nothing better to do than hang out with us losers. =D
camille's either waving or telling my not to take a pic of her.
john being a camwhore
gabby and her pleasantly large rear end join in
Edgar's thirsty!
i rode the pony. it was awful.
then nique rode the pony
billy kicked marcus's ass at DDR lol
paco is amaaazed
john breaks my heart with those looks!
no idea what edgar's doing
juan and brandon played some DDR ripoff
Edgar and cami rode that vibratign chair adventure [no that's not what it's called, but it's all i remember.]
marcus and paco were being fierce.
marcus was scaring little kids with his gangsta ballerina moves.
then we wandered around and ended up on the actual beach. me and muh boyfriend went on a romantic walk.
and he was beign adorable.
gabby marcus and paco were beign camwhores on the beach.
the weather was really weird so they're mostly silhouettes but i still like them.
some stayed back to prevent their shoes from getting wet.
marcus was getting it.
he went in and let have.
john was bein all hot with his candy cigarettes.
all i know is nique thinks she's about to move in on my man and that shit ain't happenin so she'd be better off lettin up.
so dressed for the beach we are.
of course i had to be a camwhore too.
and yes we brought the flag.
marcus had to get all destiny's child with it
we later went downtown and to borders and got kicked out.
what jerks!
the next morning was the parade, of which i have few pictures and all the ones i have are poor quality. either way, we were marching with the Long Beach Gay and Lesbian Center and we had to come fierce with it. The crowds loved Marcus and John, they went in and let have and it was fabulous. I was workign it a little too, I must admit. It was sad though, when this girl fell off the back of a car. But it was really a lot of fun.
we saw hot hot hot barely clothed boys oiling up and it was hot!!
those were some big ass wings
me and my rainbow lollipop.
The festival was nothing to orgasm over, we were all tired and bored. But I did run into genne. Yes, Genne my first girlfriend that hasn't been speaking to me for several months. Actually it was probably July 2006 that she stopped speaking to me, but we've spoken a handful of times after that. Either way, she gave me a really tight hug and we talked a little while and exchanged numbers. I told her I'd try to see her next time I'm in Long Beach.
I spent Monday with my mom. We went to Roscoe's and had delicious mealness. Monday night Louis came over to Mama's house to watch movies OnDemand, and that was cool. We sat outside my dad's house for a good 2 hours probably, chilling and talking like we used to. Tuesday me and Louis went back to my mom's house after she had already left for New York, and uhm well yea. There was no sex but it wasn't exactly something I'd want my father to walk in on.
[I'd like to stop here and say that I'm not about to give details about what happened, but it seems some immature assholes can't even stand the mention of my sex life and i'd like to take this moment to tell you to shut the fuck up and stay off my LJ if you don't want to read about my life asshole. If you're on my damn friendslist you are adult enough skip over what you don't want to know, you selfish heterophobic prick. thank you, and have a nice day.]
The point of my mentioning this is that we didn't have sex. Under the premise that I wasn't ready, but it was more like I didn't feel comfortable. Now at first I took the sole blame for this, I said that it was my own insecurity that stopped it from happening, but the more I think about it the more I realize that two people had a hand in this and I'm really sick of takign the blame for things that arne't totally my fault. It's true that I'm not entirely comfortable with letting someone see my naked body. Ok, understatement, but you get the point. The point is, I have always needed reassurance, whether in sex or in other facets of life. Now he wants to act all surprised like he had no damn idea that's what I needed. Hey, news flash! If I'm sitting next to you on the couch, naked, and you're just looking at me [not even my body, my face, as if you can't stand the sight of my mediocrity] for 20 minutes while I pretend to be watching tv with the most uncomfortable expression on my face, I need reassurance. You know damn well what kind of person I am, and you fucking knew "ok could you turn on a light *laugh*" wouldn't make me happy. yes, it is your fucking job to reassure me and no, it's not a good enough sign that you're still there.
But maybe I'm the idiot here. Maybe I should have known better than to expose myself to someone who has no appreciation for the naked body itself. Maybe I shouldn't have even tried. Maybe I do expect too much and maybe that's due to my own insecurities but I've come to realize that I can't have anything less than comfort. And if that's something you're not going to give me, then I guess it is what it is.
If only letting go were that easy...
So Paco, Marcus and I stacked some items and ourselves into Paco's car for the 6 hour drive to Long Beach Friday afternoon. It was fun, dancing, singing badly, cracking rude jokes at one another. Then, at about 11pm somewhere along the empty road known as the I-5, we had a serious conversation. About what it's like to be a Black student at respected mostly white universities, about racism in the gay community, about homophobia in the black community, about the Christian Bible, all that good stuff. It feels good to have intelligent conversation with my friends every so often.
Saturday started out awful. No one was communicating with each other about what was supposed to happen, no one knew where we were going, Mick and Mack's wasn't serving cheese fries... just bad. then the twelve of us compiled in Brandon and Paco's 5-seat cars and went to Redondo Beach and that was fun.
john flicked marcus off
marcus was appalled.
you can see my friends coming from a mile away.
took random pictures of edgar and billy's coke bottle
and nique talking
and juan being awesome. by the way this is not the same juan from previous entries. that juan, juan E., has 2 jobs and no time for posse things except like Rage. this juan is billy's juan and he has absolutely nothing better to do than hang out with us losers. =D
camille's either waving or telling my not to take a pic of her.
john being a camwhore
gabby and her pleasantly large rear end join in
Edgar's thirsty!
i rode the pony. it was awful.
then nique rode the pony
billy kicked marcus's ass at DDR lol
paco is amaaazed
john breaks my heart with those looks!
no idea what edgar's doing
juan and brandon played some DDR ripoff
Edgar and cami rode that vibratign chair adventure [no that's not what it's called, but it's all i remember.]
marcus and paco were being fierce.
marcus was scaring little kids with his gangsta ballerina moves.
then we wandered around and ended up on the actual beach. me and muh boyfriend went on a romantic walk.
and he was beign adorable.
gabby marcus and paco were beign camwhores on the beach.
the weather was really weird so they're mostly silhouettes but i still like them.
some stayed back to prevent their shoes from getting wet.
marcus was getting it.
he went in and let have.
john was bein all hot with his candy cigarettes.
all i know is nique thinks she's about to move in on my man and that shit ain't happenin so she'd be better off lettin up.
so dressed for the beach we are.
of course i had to be a camwhore too.
and yes we brought the flag.
marcus had to get all destiny's child with it
we later went downtown and to borders and got kicked out.
what jerks!
the next morning was the parade, of which i have few pictures and all the ones i have are poor quality. either way, we were marching with the Long Beach Gay and Lesbian Center and we had to come fierce with it. The crowds loved Marcus and John, they went in and let have and it was fabulous. I was workign it a little too, I must admit. It was sad though, when this girl fell off the back of a car. But it was really a lot of fun.
we saw hot hot hot barely clothed boys oiling up and it was hot!!
those were some big ass wings
me and my rainbow lollipop.
The festival was nothing to orgasm over, we were all tired and bored. But I did run into genne. Yes, Genne my first girlfriend that hasn't been speaking to me for several months. Actually it was probably July 2006 that she stopped speaking to me, but we've spoken a handful of times after that. Either way, she gave me a really tight hug and we talked a little while and exchanged numbers. I told her I'd try to see her next time I'm in Long Beach.
I spent Monday with my mom. We went to Roscoe's and had delicious mealness. Monday night Louis came over to Mama's house to watch movies OnDemand, and that was cool. We sat outside my dad's house for a good 2 hours probably, chilling and talking like we used to. Tuesday me and Louis went back to my mom's house after she had already left for New York, and uhm well yea. There was no sex but it wasn't exactly something I'd want my father to walk in on.
[I'd like to stop here and say that I'm not about to give details about what happened, but it seems some immature assholes can't even stand the mention of my sex life and i'd like to take this moment to tell you to shut the fuck up and stay off my LJ if you don't want to read about my life asshole. If you're on my damn friendslist you are adult enough skip over what you don't want to know, you selfish heterophobic prick. thank you, and have a nice day.]
The point of my mentioning this is that we didn't have sex. Under the premise that I wasn't ready, but it was more like I didn't feel comfortable. Now at first I took the sole blame for this, I said that it was my own insecurity that stopped it from happening, but the more I think about it the more I realize that two people had a hand in this and I'm really sick of takign the blame for things that arne't totally my fault. It's true that I'm not entirely comfortable with letting someone see my naked body. Ok, understatement, but you get the point. The point is, I have always needed reassurance, whether in sex or in other facets of life. Now he wants to act all surprised like he had no damn idea that's what I needed. Hey, news flash! If I'm sitting next to you on the couch, naked, and you're just looking at me [not even my body, my face, as if you can't stand the sight of my mediocrity] for 20 minutes while I pretend to be watching tv with the most uncomfortable expression on my face, I need reassurance. You know damn well what kind of person I am, and you fucking knew "ok could you turn on a light *laugh*" wouldn't make me happy. yes, it is your fucking job to reassure me and no, it's not a good enough sign that you're still there.
But maybe I'm the idiot here. Maybe I should have known better than to expose myself to someone who has no appreciation for the naked body itself. Maybe I shouldn't have even tried. Maybe I do expect too much and maybe that's due to my own insecurities but I've come to realize that I can't have anything less than comfort. And if that's something you're not going to give me, then I guess it is what it is.
If only letting go were that easy...