MESS!
holy shat my life is a huge mess right now. I feel like it keeps getting messier and messier and messier and I just can't stop it. I feel like I'm spinning out of con-fucking-trol and it's infuriating.
I don't know where to start getting my life back on track. Fitness? Exercise? Diet? I ride my bike every day (see: accidental 60 mile bike ride on monday with Kaleb) I eat shit at work way too frequently (because I don't have money to buy healthy food so I have to eat shit from sbux.)
Everything stems from money problems... and I've been remembering dreams lately. Yesterday at work I was dreaming that I was flying through a corn field and all the corn was cut down to just the stalks, like it had been harvested already. I was flying towards an island of trees and whatnot in this field, but I never got closer to it. Either it was miles and miles away or it was moving? I know it's a dream so who knows... (Flying represents Freedom (or a wish for it) from the limitations of your own mental, emotional, and physical challenges-freedom that is available by connecting with your inner joy, love, and Spirit)
Also, the marching band I'm in is causing me serious grief. When I first joined back up, people remembered me and welcomed me back. That was amazing to me, since the first time I went people were very cold and distant and impossible to befriend. However, it's quickly changed right back to that same way.
I go to band, nobody talks to me, and I certainly don't talk to them. I know that not talking to them is part of the problem, but when I tried talking to people, they only want to hear what I have to say for about a minute and they leave to go talk to someone else. Everyone already has their little friends and groups. Just like Seattle, they don't want to let anyone else into those groups.
When we have to form a line or get into a formation, I always somehow get squeezed out to the side and left by myself. They neglect to give me my music when each week I ask someone for the music and they say they'll get it for me. but they don't.
One guy was offering rides to a rehearsal in W. Seattle, I asked if I could ride because we live three blocks apart. AT the end of rehearsal, he asked me if I could find another ride home. What the fuck is that bullshit? Okay. So I could've had my own ride to W. Sea or driven myself, but we carpooled and then he ditched me. nice.
Another person said "I'll be your ride to band each week!" then he stopped going to band for two weeks. His roommate called me and said "He won't be able to give you a ride to band today... but can you pick up so-and-so on the way?" The next week he started going again, but wasn't giving me a ride and didn't call to say he wasn't.... and now hje just goes to band and picks up other people but not me. He asked me if I wanted to carpool to the band retreat in Port Townsend next weekend, and I said no, I'll drive myself, cos I don't want to get stranded. He looked all butthurt.
I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder from this band and wonder if I'm doing something that warrants this. Am I being too much of a pushover? Do I look like an asshole, do people think I'm mean? unapproachable? Did I do something wrong and not realize it? Why are people treating me like this? Why am I putting up with it?
I fear that the problem is definitely me, that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm expecting too much. That's why I keep going and don't just quit. I want to give up though, I want to just turn everything in and say "Don't contact me ever again."
I've been taking a Instant Messenger / Social networking website vacation, and it's sort-of difficult for me to do and I don't know if it's doing me any good. I don't really miss it while I'm not doing it, but at the same time I feel like I'm cutting myself off from everyone, everywhere and I sort-of feel like that sucks... Maybe I should just erase every account that I have and do other stuff instead...
I have to get started on this Kinetix thing. Going to gym with Kaleb in a few minutes, then have to come home and plan out my meals for the next couple of days so I make these K-counts work out. We'll see.
ugh. If anyone reading this hasn't heard from me in a while, txt msg me or something. mkay.
I don't know where to start getting my life back on track. Fitness? Exercise? Diet? I ride my bike every day (see: accidental 60 mile bike ride on monday with Kaleb) I eat shit at work way too frequently (because I don't have money to buy healthy food so I have to eat shit from sbux.)
Everything stems from money problems... and I've been remembering dreams lately. Yesterday at work I was dreaming that I was flying through a corn field and all the corn was cut down to just the stalks, like it had been harvested already. I was flying towards an island of trees and whatnot in this field, but I never got closer to it. Either it was miles and miles away or it was moving? I know it's a dream so who knows... (Flying represents Freedom (or a wish for it) from the limitations of your own mental, emotional, and physical challenges-freedom that is available by connecting with your inner joy, love, and Spirit)
Also, the marching band I'm in is causing me serious grief. When I first joined back up, people remembered me and welcomed me back. That was amazing to me, since the first time I went people were very cold and distant and impossible to befriend. However, it's quickly changed right back to that same way.
I go to band, nobody talks to me, and I certainly don't talk to them. I know that not talking to them is part of the problem, but when I tried talking to people, they only want to hear what I have to say for about a minute and they leave to go talk to someone else. Everyone already has their little friends and groups. Just like Seattle, they don't want to let anyone else into those groups.
When we have to form a line or get into a formation, I always somehow get squeezed out to the side and left by myself. They neglect to give me my music when each week I ask someone for the music and they say they'll get it for me. but they don't.
One guy was offering rides to a rehearsal in W. Seattle, I asked if I could ride because we live three blocks apart. AT the end of rehearsal, he asked me if I could find another ride home. What the fuck is that bullshit? Okay. So I could've had my own ride to W. Sea or driven myself, but we carpooled and then he ditched me. nice.
Another person said "I'll be your ride to band each week!" then he stopped going to band for two weeks. His roommate called me and said "He won't be able to give you a ride to band today... but can you pick up so-and-so on the way?" The next week he started going again, but wasn't giving me a ride and didn't call to say he wasn't.... and now hje just goes to band and picks up other people but not me. He asked me if I wanted to carpool to the band retreat in Port Townsend next weekend, and I said no, I'll drive myself, cos I don't want to get stranded. He looked all butthurt.
I feel like I'm getting the cold shoulder from this band and wonder if I'm doing something that warrants this. Am I being too much of a pushover? Do I look like an asshole, do people think I'm mean? unapproachable? Did I do something wrong and not realize it? Why are people treating me like this? Why am I putting up with it?
I fear that the problem is definitely me, that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm expecting too much. That's why I keep going and don't just quit. I want to give up though, I want to just turn everything in and say "Don't contact me ever again."
I've been taking a Instant Messenger / Social networking website vacation, and it's sort-of difficult for me to do and I don't know if it's doing me any good. I don't really miss it while I'm not doing it, but at the same time I feel like I'm cutting myself off from everyone, everywhere and I sort-of feel like that sucks... Maybe I should just erase every account that I have and do other stuff instead...
I have to get started on this Kinetix thing. Going to gym with Kaleb in a few minutes, then have to come home and plan out my meals for the next couple of days so I make these K-counts work out. We'll see.
ugh. If anyone reading this hasn't heard from me in a while, txt msg me or something. mkay.