hrm.
So, thinking.
if i want to go hang out at a cafe i want to go someplace without ambient lighting. no windows. i want it to seem dark inside. the olive way sbux that i go to is sort of too bright because the whole place is surrounded by windows.
bauhaus has floor to ceiling windows on two sides, but all the woodwork inside is dark black/brown and the lighting levels are low inside as well, so it feels cozy.
i do not like cafe vivace because it is too bright inside.
i like starbucks on olive way though, because a) i get a discount, and b) i can get a refill on my coffee for ¢.55 and i like that. especially when i want to od on caffeine.
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i feel pretty cruddy today. i feel emotionless and stagnant. i feel no interest towards anything and nothing is making me happy or picking me up. if i were to see someone on the street that i know, i can't be sure i'd be able to crack a smile to show them im happy to see them.
it's not that i wouldn't be happy to see them, i just don't think i could bring out a smile right now.
i believe that one of the biggest fears that we as human beings have is of being alone. i don't know why that is, if humans are programmed with a pack mentality or if we have learned that we're not supposed to be alone. however, ultimately i am alone. most times i don't fear it, i have come to accept it. but in doing so, have i become complacent with that and in a sense, given up all hope? does my acceptance of the loneliness dictate to me that my life will be like this forever more?
i've learned my lesson that i can't depend or rely on anyone else but myself. i learned that a long time ago. i've always thought of myself as the king of second chances though. i forgive but don't forget. i will let someone back in after theyve completely fucked me over, and nine times out of ten i will not react immediately to something because i know my immediate response is a childish one that is totally irrational. on the other side of that coin though, do i know when to let go? do i know when to walk away from something that is damaging me on the inside? i don't know if i've learned that lesson yet.
i also push people away pretty quickly. if i am attracted to someone i won't tell them about it and i won't ever initiate romance with anybody. ever. and most of the time i lose all feeling for someone within a week or three if they're lucky. does this make me a sociopath or something?
i'm still completely functional, i have friends and i maintain them. i maintain at school, i hold a steady job which i'm good at (albeit its not a career) and i do what i'm supposed to in order to fit into society. but how can i do more? how can i be better than this? it has to be better than this, because this is a mundane life i'm living and it's not cutting the mustard for me. i need more than this.
if i want to go hang out at a cafe i want to go someplace without ambient lighting. no windows. i want it to seem dark inside. the olive way sbux that i go to is sort of too bright because the whole place is surrounded by windows.
bauhaus has floor to ceiling windows on two sides, but all the woodwork inside is dark black/brown and the lighting levels are low inside as well, so it feels cozy.
i do not like cafe vivace because it is too bright inside.
i like starbucks on olive way though, because a) i get a discount, and b) i can get a refill on my coffee for ¢.55 and i like that. especially when i want to od on caffeine.
-
i feel pretty cruddy today. i feel emotionless and stagnant. i feel no interest towards anything and nothing is making me happy or picking me up. if i were to see someone on the street that i know, i can't be sure i'd be able to crack a smile to show them im happy to see them.
it's not that i wouldn't be happy to see them, i just don't think i could bring out a smile right now.
i believe that one of the biggest fears that we as human beings have is of being alone. i don't know why that is, if humans are programmed with a pack mentality or if we have learned that we're not supposed to be alone. however, ultimately i am alone. most times i don't fear it, i have come to accept it. but in doing so, have i become complacent with that and in a sense, given up all hope? does my acceptance of the loneliness dictate to me that my life will be like this forever more?
i've learned my lesson that i can't depend or rely on anyone else but myself. i learned that a long time ago. i've always thought of myself as the king of second chances though. i forgive but don't forget. i will let someone back in after theyve completely fucked me over, and nine times out of ten i will not react immediately to something because i know my immediate response is a childish one that is totally irrational. on the other side of that coin though, do i know when to let go? do i know when to walk away from something that is damaging me on the inside? i don't know if i've learned that lesson yet.
i also push people away pretty quickly. if i am attracted to someone i won't tell them about it and i won't ever initiate romance with anybody. ever. and most of the time i lose all feeling for someone within a week or three if they're lucky. does this make me a sociopath or something?
i'm still completely functional, i have friends and i maintain them. i maintain at school, i hold a steady job which i'm good at (albeit its not a career) and i do what i'm supposed to in order to fit into society. but how can i do more? how can i be better than this? it has to be better than this, because this is a mundane life i'm living and it's not cutting the mustard for me. i need more than this.