yesterday's gone, tomorrow can't come fast enough.
still partly numb in thoughts and feelings. my body makes up for it by aching, every muscle feels like i've been hit by a train. my flesh is cold. my heart feels heavy in my chest. sobs catch in my throat every now and then, my face crumples and i fight to hold it back.
i flew back into denver last night, and mandy picked me up from the airport and took me home. she'd spent a few nights at my place with pipi, so i was grateful that pipi hadn't been alone. i am back at work today, since 7:30am, but it should be a bearable week. 8 hours today, 6 tomorrow (8 paid), thursday off (8 paid), and 8 on friday. i already ripped november off my desk calendar and threw it in the trash... i just want for this month to be over already.
we had wanted to get married in november. we'd wanted to honeymoon along the cold seashore, the wind whipping the seaspray into our faces. to pass the nights together before a fireplace. the 16th was the day we first made contact, 21 mos ago, and the date that he ended his life. as seeped as james was in symbolism and literature, in the art of story-telling, i can state with certainty that none of this was accidental or overlooked by him. he analyzed everything.
december looks bleak. 2 weeks of classes, one of exams, my mom here from xmess eve through ny eve (the latter is the only thing that makes me feel like i can get through the month doing something other than hiding under my covers). january begins to look a little brighter, with new classes starting and new routine, a settling in of a new life. bela has already moved out. her things are gone, her mattress taken to her dad's house. jhonen will come home on sunday, after thanksgiving, and it will just be the two of us. i feel like everything changed overnight. life will never be the same.
our hr leave specialist at work emailed me while i was gone to tell me that she'd elevated my case to the avp at corporate and had been able to approve 3 days of paid bereavement leave for me, so my paycheck will not suffer for my absence. some practical relief, in the midst of all of this. small blessings. my father also called and said that he was sending a check, which i'm sure will cover the two hundred i had to pay to change my flight last minute. he felt powerless to do or say anything to help, as does everyone, as do i.
i want to thank everyone for expressing your support. i realize through all of this that i have so many people that care, that have touched my life, that continue to care despite distance and lack of regular communication, and i love you all. thank you. i'm sorry i haven't replied to each of you individually, but your love and your faces have been with me.
i flew back into denver last night, and mandy picked me up from the airport and took me home. she'd spent a few nights at my place with pipi, so i was grateful that pipi hadn't been alone. i am back at work today, since 7:30am, but it should be a bearable week. 8 hours today, 6 tomorrow (8 paid), thursday off (8 paid), and 8 on friday. i already ripped november off my desk calendar and threw it in the trash... i just want for this month to be over already.
we had wanted to get married in november. we'd wanted to honeymoon along the cold seashore, the wind whipping the seaspray into our faces. to pass the nights together before a fireplace. the 16th was the day we first made contact, 21 mos ago, and the date that he ended his life. as seeped as james was in symbolism and literature, in the art of story-telling, i can state with certainty that none of this was accidental or overlooked by him. he analyzed everything.
december looks bleak. 2 weeks of classes, one of exams, my mom here from xmess eve through ny eve (the latter is the only thing that makes me feel like i can get through the month doing something other than hiding under my covers). january begins to look a little brighter, with new classes starting and new routine, a settling in of a new life. bela has already moved out. her things are gone, her mattress taken to her dad's house. jhonen will come home on sunday, after thanksgiving, and it will just be the two of us. i feel like everything changed overnight. life will never be the same.
our hr leave specialist at work emailed me while i was gone to tell me that she'd elevated my case to the avp at corporate and had been able to approve 3 days of paid bereavement leave for me, so my paycheck will not suffer for my absence. some practical relief, in the midst of all of this. small blessings. my father also called and said that he was sending a check, which i'm sure will cover the two hundred i had to pay to change my flight last minute. he felt powerless to do or say anything to help, as does everyone, as do i.
i want to thank everyone for expressing your support. i realize through all of this that i have so many people that care, that have touched my life, that continue to care despite distance and lack of regular communication, and i love you all. thank you. i'm sorry i haven't replied to each of you individually, but your love and your faces have been with me.