adrift on the island (or: Kate's really emo entry)
today was typical of how the days go here: i spent most of the day in the car. my grandmother's boyfriend (ew. i know. i have to LIVE WITH THIS). is visiting, so we had to drive him around and "show him southampton", which consisted of a long way down the dead-end road where all the mansions are. i don't know why we do this everytime some one comes for the first time: we have no connection with that part of life here. once when i was a kid i went to a birthday party in one of those giant houses; my mom dropped me off in our beat-up mazda, the one that later burned to the ground on the Brooklyn-Queens Espressway with me nearly stuck in it.
time moves strangely here too: there is no afternoon/ you wake up, it takes too long to get ready/ you drive somewhere/ you come back/you're exhausted but you have nothing to show for it/ night.
i remembered/rediscovered (how is it possible that i forget this?) that my parents have a hot tub. i went in it. i really don't like anything to do with that part of the house: the outdoor shower with the mushy, rotten wood-plank floor, the hot tub the smells too much like chemicals, the deck that needs to be stained, has needed to be stained since we built it, the wooden wall that i watched blow down in a hurricane (Bob) while my father lay in bed in a coma (Bob).
why is the only baithing suit i have here a teeny bikini that i have had since i was 13? i sat in the tub. it was boring, i couldn't get comfortable, i put my head back. i realized why i feel so estranged from this place, why i always wish i were in great barrington instead: i have to autonomy here. all i do is follow my mother around, running errands (the most insidious form of time-wasting) buying crap (it's the only thing we do well together/alone/together). i have no friends that live here: the only people i went to school with that still live here are firemen and full-blown police men by now, everyone went to SUNY schools, got married.... i never DO anything. and i never do anything because i have no other reason to be here except to see my family, so that is what i must do. ad nauseum.
and i wondered why, when i'm in yoga class, do i always do the easy head stands?n you know the ones, they teach you in gym class, where you start with your hands on the floor near your head, then put your knees on your elbows, and work your way up.... there is a different, harder way you are supposed to do it in yoga, but i can't do it, so i say, "well, if i do it the easy way, at least i am getting up on my head, without any help"
time moves strangely here too: there is no afternoon/ you wake up, it takes too long to get ready/ you drive somewhere/ you come back/you're exhausted but you have nothing to show for it/ night.
i remembered/rediscovered (how is it possible that i forget this?) that my parents have a hot tub. i went in it. i really don't like anything to do with that part of the house: the outdoor shower with the mushy, rotten wood-plank floor, the hot tub the smells too much like chemicals, the deck that needs to be stained, has needed to be stained since we built it, the wooden wall that i watched blow down in a hurricane (Bob) while my father lay in bed in a coma (Bob).
why is the only baithing suit i have here a teeny bikini that i have had since i was 13? i sat in the tub. it was boring, i couldn't get comfortable, i put my head back. i realized why i feel so estranged from this place, why i always wish i were in great barrington instead: i have to autonomy here. all i do is follow my mother around, running errands (the most insidious form of time-wasting) buying crap (it's the only thing we do well together/alone/together). i have no friends that live here: the only people i went to school with that still live here are firemen and full-blown police men by now, everyone went to SUNY schools, got married.... i never DO anything. and i never do anything because i have no other reason to be here except to see my family, so that is what i must do. ad nauseum.
and i wondered why, when i'm in yoga class, do i always do the easy head stands?n you know the ones, they teach you in gym class, where you start with your hands on the floor near your head, then put your knees on your elbows, and work your way up.... there is a different, harder way you are supposed to do it in yoga, but i can't do it, so i say, "well, if i do it the easy way, at least i am getting up on my head, without any help"