Since I Ranted About It...
Below you will find the complete text of Ian Fleming's Story of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! The Magical Car which has been adapted for Beginning Readers. As I've said before, this is actually a book I had when I was little. The copyright is 1968. I've typed it exactly as it appears on each page. Breaks between lines signify a new page. Oh, and any mistakes are taken directly from the book. After typing it all out, I've decided that it needs textual commentary. Which I've kindly provided in bold. Enjoy!
Jeremy Pott and his sister, Jemima,
were in the kitchen.
Mrs. Pott was making sandwiches.
They heard a noise outside.
They ran out to see what it was. The sandwiches are important, people.
The noise came from
a great big car.
Mr. Pott was sitting in it.
"I found it in a junkyard,"
said Mr. Pott. "Jump in!
I'll take you all for a ride." And they all jump into this hoopty Mr. Pott found in a junkyard.
There were all kinds of lights
and buttons in the car.
Mr. Pott pushed the starter.
The engine made a noise.
It sounded like
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!"
"That's what we'll name our car,"
said Jeremy. "We'll call her
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Jeremy doesn't get any less annoying. I'm just warning you.
Mr. Pott drove out onto the highway.
Soon Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
was going a hundred miles an hour. The first sign that this is not a normal family.
"Where are we going?" asked Mrs. Pott.
"To the beach," said Mr. Pott.
"We'll have a picnic."
But everyone else was going to the
beach too. Mr. Pott had to stop.
"This is not a good place
for a picnic," said Mrs. Pott. The first of many stupid comments that Mrs. Pott makes.
"We'll just have to sit and wait,"
said Mr. Pott.
Then a button lighted up!
There were words on the button.
[Cue picture of a button that says PUSH ME.]
"Push it and see what happens."
said Jeremy.
Mr. Pott pushed the button. It's one of those families where the kids make the rules. Although technically poor Jemima hasn't said a word yet.
The engine made a humming noise.
The car began to shake.
Then wings came out.
Just like wings on an airplane!
"It's magic," Jemima shouted. May I introduce Jemima, mistress of the obvious?
"I guess it is magic," said Mr. Pott.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
flew up off the highway."
She flew over all the cars in front.
She flew up into the sky like a bird.
She headed for the beach.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
flew over the beach.
It was full of people.
"Where will we have our picnic?"
asked Mrs. Pott.
"There's no place to land."
Just then the steering wheel turned
in Mr. Pott's hands.
The car began to steer herself! And yet no one freaks about being in a flying car that's steering itself!
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
flew away from the beach.
She flew out over the water.
She left the land far behind.
Then she pointed her nose down.
She dove straight toward the waves.
"We're going to crash!" said Mrs. Pott.
"We'll have a wet picnic." Stupid thing #2 for Mrs. Pott.
But Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
didn't crash.
She pulled in her wings.
She landed on the water.
She headed for the beach.
"This must be France," said Jeremy.
"See the French flag on the lighthouse." Like I said, no less annoying.
"There's no one here," said Mrs. Pott.
"It's a fine place for a picnic."
She took out the picnic things.
She spread a tablecloth on the sand.
"Here's a big cave we can explore!"
cried Jeremy.
He and Jemima ran into the cave.
It looked dark and spooky inside. Yes, let's run into the dark and spooky cave completely unsupervised!
"Look!" yelled Jemima.
There, just ahead, was a skeleton.
It swung back and forth.
Its bones rattled in the cold wind.
Jemima screamed.
Mr. and Mrs. Pott heard that scream.
They drove Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
into the cave. But took the time to pick up the damned picnic basket!
"That's not a real skeleton,"
said Mr. Pott. "It's only a dummy."
Someone put it here to scare us. Typo #1
Someone doesn't want us in this cave.
But we'll go in anyway." *eye roll*
They drove deeper and deeper
into the dark, gloomy cave.
Bats flew around their heads.
Water dripped from the rocks.
Spiders and snakes came out.
"What's that up ahead?" cried Jeremy.
It was a big room.
It was full of guns.
There were boxes of bombs and barrels of gunpowder.
"This is strange," said Mr. Pott. Ya think?
They saw a sign.
It was nailed to the wall.
They walked over and read it.
[Cue sign that reads: Danger! These guns belong to Joe the Monster. HANDS OFF!!]
"I know all about Joe the Monster,"
said Jeremy. "I read about him
in the paper. He's a bank robber!" Know-it-all!
"This must be his secret cave,"
said Jemima. Mistress of the obvious!
"Let's blow up all this stuff,"
said Jeremy. *bug eyes!*
"That's a fine idea," said Mrs. Pott.
"Then we can have our picnic." Stupid thing #3
Mr. Pott put one end of a fuse
into a barrel of gunpowder. Are you fucking kidding me?
He lighted the other end.
Then he said,
"Let's get out of here--fast!"
They got out just in time. What happened to going one hundred miles an hour?!?
Boom! Boom!
The whole cave blew up.
Just then a big, black car drove up. Which will be forever known as the 'big, black car.'
Three men jumped out.
They pointed guns at the Pott family.
"Hands up," shouted one of the men.
"That's Joe the Monster!" said Jeremy.
"I've seen his picture in the paper." Is there anything this kid doesn't know? Aside from not having enough sense to not go into big scary caves?
"Tie up the two big ones,"
said Joe the Monster.
His men tied up Mr. and Mrs. Pott.
They tied them up tight.
Joe pushed Jemima and Jeremy
into the big, black car. I told you.
"We'll take these kids to Paris,"
he said. "We'll hold them for ransom." Now if I were the Potts, I'd be thanking my lucky stars I got rid of the annoying one and the dumb one.
Mr. and Mrs. Pott sat up.
They couldn't untie their hands.
They watched the
big, black car drive away. I really wasn't kidding.
Jeremy and Jemima looked out
of the big, black car.
Jemima began to cry.
"We'll never see Mother and Father
again!" she cried. Typical girl.
Then Chitty Chitty Bang Bang coughed.
She shook all over.
Then she made a humming noise.
Then she picked up Mrs. Pott.
She put her into the seat.
Then she picked up Mr. Pott.
Then Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
took the road to Paris.
Mr. and Mrs. Pott still
had their hands tied.
But Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
steered herself! She raced along
at one hundred miles an hour.
She raced after Joe the Monster
and the big, black car. Really, I wasn't kidding.
They got closer and closer to Paris.
They got closer and closer
to the big, black car.
The two cars raced through Paris.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang came
right up behind the big, black car.
She bit the big, black car! Twice on the same page. In back to back sentences!
Joe the Monster and his men
jumped out.
They ran upstairs into a house. I'm kinda surprised it wasn't more descriptive about the house.
Jeremy and Jemima ran over to
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Jeremy untied Mr. Pott.
Jemima untied Mrs. Pott. Because you know...only guys can untie guys. And only girls can untie girls.
Joe the Monster began shooting.
But Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
was not afraid of bullets.
She roared up the stairs.
Mr. Pott and Jeremy ran up behind her. Yes, it really does say that they ran up behind the car into a hail of bullets.
"I'm going to call
the police,"
said Mrs. Pott. The first smart thing this woman has said/done!
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
went through the door.
She raced across the room.
She pushed Joe the Monster and
his men against the wall.
She pushed them so hard
they dropped their guns.
She held them until
the police got there.
The police put handcuffs
on Joe and his men.
They tied them all together.
They took them away to jail.
Then the chief of police
thanked the Pott family.
"You caught Joe for us," he said.
"Now, what can we do for you?" Wait for it people. Just wait for it...
"Please find us a place
to have our picnic," said Mrs. Pott.
"I am getting very hungry!"
The chief of police took them
to a beautiful park.
They all sat down to eat.
"I hope you like peanut butter,"
Mrs. Pott said to the chief of police. All this for some goddamn peanut butter sandwiches?!?
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ate too.
The French police fed her gasoline.
They fed her water.
They washed her and polished her
until she looked like new.
That night the Pott family
and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang started back home.
"It will be nice to get home again,"
said Jemima.
"It sure will, said Jeremy. "But who knows Typo #2
what will happen before we get there?" And I, for one, never ever want to find out.
Jeremy Pott and his sister, Jemima,
were in the kitchen.
Mrs. Pott was making sandwiches.
They heard a noise outside.
They ran out to see what it was. The sandwiches are important, people.
The noise came from
a great big car.
Mr. Pott was sitting in it.
"I found it in a junkyard,"
said Mr. Pott. "Jump in!
I'll take you all for a ride." And they all jump into this hoopty Mr. Pott found in a junkyard.
There were all kinds of lights
and buttons in the car.
Mr. Pott pushed the starter.
The engine made a noise.
It sounded like
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!"
"That's what we'll name our car,"
said Jeremy. "We'll call her
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Jeremy doesn't get any less annoying. I'm just warning you.
Mr. Pott drove out onto the highway.
Soon Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
was going a hundred miles an hour. The first sign that this is not a normal family.
"Where are we going?" asked Mrs. Pott.
"To the beach," said Mr. Pott.
"We'll have a picnic."
But everyone else was going to the
beach too. Mr. Pott had to stop.
"This is not a good place
for a picnic," said Mrs. Pott. The first of many stupid comments that Mrs. Pott makes.
"We'll just have to sit and wait,"
said Mr. Pott.
Then a button lighted up!
There were words on the button.
[Cue picture of a button that says PUSH ME.]
"Push it and see what happens."
said Jeremy.
Mr. Pott pushed the button. It's one of those families where the kids make the rules. Although technically poor Jemima hasn't said a word yet.
The engine made a humming noise.
The car began to shake.
Then wings came out.
Just like wings on an airplane!
"It's magic," Jemima shouted. May I introduce Jemima, mistress of the obvious?
"I guess it is magic," said Mr. Pott.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
flew up off the highway."
She flew over all the cars in front.
She flew up into the sky like a bird.
She headed for the beach.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
flew over the beach.
It was full of people.
"Where will we have our picnic?"
asked Mrs. Pott.
"There's no place to land."
Just then the steering wheel turned
in Mr. Pott's hands.
The car began to steer herself! And yet no one freaks about being in a flying car that's steering itself!
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
flew away from the beach.
She flew out over the water.
She left the land far behind.
Then she pointed her nose down.
She dove straight toward the waves.
"We're going to crash!" said Mrs. Pott.
"We'll have a wet picnic." Stupid thing #2 for Mrs. Pott.
But Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
didn't crash.
She pulled in her wings.
She landed on the water.
She headed for the beach.
"This must be France," said Jeremy.
"See the French flag on the lighthouse." Like I said, no less annoying.
"There's no one here," said Mrs. Pott.
"It's a fine place for a picnic."
She took out the picnic things.
She spread a tablecloth on the sand.
"Here's a big cave we can explore!"
cried Jeremy.
He and Jemima ran into the cave.
It looked dark and spooky inside. Yes, let's run into the dark and spooky cave completely unsupervised!
"Look!" yelled Jemima.
There, just ahead, was a skeleton.
It swung back and forth.
Its bones rattled in the cold wind.
Jemima screamed.
Mr. and Mrs. Pott heard that scream.
They drove Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
into the cave. But took the time to pick up the damned picnic basket!
"That's not a real skeleton,"
said Mr. Pott. "It's only a dummy."
Someone put it here to scare us. Typo #1
Someone doesn't want us in this cave.
But we'll go in anyway." *eye roll*
They drove deeper and deeper
into the dark, gloomy cave.
Bats flew around their heads.
Water dripped from the rocks.
Spiders and snakes came out.
"What's that up ahead?" cried Jeremy.
It was a big room.
It was full of guns.
There were boxes of bombs and barrels of gunpowder.
"This is strange," said Mr. Pott. Ya think?
They saw a sign.
It was nailed to the wall.
They walked over and read it.
[Cue sign that reads: Danger! These guns belong to Joe the Monster. HANDS OFF!!]
"I know all about Joe the Monster,"
said Jeremy. "I read about him
in the paper. He's a bank robber!" Know-it-all!
"This must be his secret cave,"
said Jemima. Mistress of the obvious!
"Let's blow up all this stuff,"
said Jeremy. *bug eyes!*
"That's a fine idea," said Mrs. Pott.
"Then we can have our picnic." Stupid thing #3
Mr. Pott put one end of a fuse
into a barrel of gunpowder. Are you fucking kidding me?
He lighted the other end.
Then he said,
"Let's get out of here--fast!"
They got out just in time. What happened to going one hundred miles an hour?!?
Boom! Boom!
The whole cave blew up.
Just then a big, black car drove up. Which will be forever known as the 'big, black car.'
Three men jumped out.
They pointed guns at the Pott family.
"Hands up," shouted one of the men.
"That's Joe the Monster!" said Jeremy.
"I've seen his picture in the paper." Is there anything this kid doesn't know? Aside from not having enough sense to not go into big scary caves?
"Tie up the two big ones,"
said Joe the Monster.
His men tied up Mr. and Mrs. Pott.
They tied them up tight.
Joe pushed Jemima and Jeremy
into the big, black car. I told you.
"We'll take these kids to Paris,"
he said. "We'll hold them for ransom." Now if I were the Potts, I'd be thanking my lucky stars I got rid of the annoying one and the dumb one.
Mr. and Mrs. Pott sat up.
They couldn't untie their hands.
They watched the
big, black car drive away. I really wasn't kidding.
Jeremy and Jemima looked out
of the big, black car.
Jemima began to cry.
"We'll never see Mother and Father
again!" she cried. Typical girl.
Then Chitty Chitty Bang Bang coughed.
She shook all over.
Then she made a humming noise.
Then she picked up Mrs. Pott.
She put her into the seat.
Then she picked up Mr. Pott.
Then Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
took the road to Paris.
Mr. and Mrs. Pott still
had their hands tied.
But Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
steered herself! She raced along
at one hundred miles an hour.
She raced after Joe the Monster
and the big, black car. Really, I wasn't kidding.
They got closer and closer to Paris.
They got closer and closer
to the big, black car.
The two cars raced through Paris.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang came
right up behind the big, black car.
She bit the big, black car! Twice on the same page. In back to back sentences!
Joe the Monster and his men
jumped out.
They ran upstairs into a house. I'm kinda surprised it wasn't more descriptive about the house.
Jeremy and Jemima ran over to
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Jeremy untied Mr. Pott.
Jemima untied Mrs. Pott. Because you know...only guys can untie guys. And only girls can untie girls.
Joe the Monster began shooting.
But Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
was not afraid of bullets.
She roared up the stairs.
Mr. Pott and Jeremy ran up behind her. Yes, it really does say that they ran up behind the car into a hail of bullets.
"I'm going to call
the police,"
said Mrs. Pott. The first smart thing this woman has said/done!
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
went through the door.
She raced across the room.
She pushed Joe the Monster and
his men against the wall.
She pushed them so hard
they dropped their guns.
She held them until
the police got there.
The police put handcuffs
on Joe and his men.
They tied them all together.
They took them away to jail.
Then the chief of police
thanked the Pott family.
"You caught Joe for us," he said.
"Now, what can we do for you?" Wait for it people. Just wait for it...
"Please find us a place
to have our picnic," said Mrs. Pott.
"I am getting very hungry!"
The chief of police took them
to a beautiful park.
They all sat down to eat.
"I hope you like peanut butter,"
Mrs. Pott said to the chief of police. All this for some goddamn peanut butter sandwiches?!?
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ate too.
The French police fed her gasoline.
They fed her water.
They washed her and polished her
until she looked like new.
That night the Pott family
and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang started back home.
"It will be nice to get home again,"
said Jemima.
"It sure will, said Jeremy. "But who knows Typo #2
what will happen before we get there?" And I, for one, never ever want to find out.