a long sigh of well needed ventilation
Parents. I love them so much. Above that I appreciate them and all of the sacrifices they have made for me. As I get closer to the age of marriage and maybe having kids of my own, I realize just how much my life will have to be put on hold to raise my kids well. I honestly could not have asked for a better child hood. Though at times I am a little spoiled because my parents worked so hard to provide not only the necessities but the luxuries in life as well. I am living in the parental's house for the summer while I am home from school. It id great to see them and spend time with them, but I have incredibly mixed feelings about being here right now.
On one end I am so thankful for the fact that they are paying for my schooling which costs extremely way too much money for its own good. They helped my financially through my first year there and encouraged me to stay on top of my school work. I feel like I am indebted to them for all that they are providing. I want to give back to them, get a steady job, pay for all of my expenses this year, and still do really well in school. I enjoy making my parents happy because of the life they worked so hard for me to be able to live how I want to.
On the opposite end. I am going crazy in this house. I am in constant anxiety, afraid to come on contact with my parents (especially my dad) because I feel like I have been nothing but a constant disappointment since I have arrived here for the summer. For the first month and a half they scolded me every day for not being employed. I agree that it was ridiculous to have been here for that long without a job, but when my parents demand things from me I become less motivated to do that task. I don't want to do it for them, I want to do it for me, quietly, and then display my labors by giving back to them. After a long and tedious time of being home I finally land a job, one that I actually would love to do. Afterall my dad has always told me to try and find something that I would enjoy doing. I came home so excited I got a job I want to do, but I didn't parade it around the house telling my parents because that's just not how I do things.
After my mom discovers that I got hired she seems pleased with the job and the effort I made to get it. (I had to pull a few strings) The next day however, would prove that I again, am disappointing. She decided that the job I finally got, after about 2 months of them yelling at me to get one, was not good enough for her. She thought I could get a better job that paid more money than the one I got. I told her I didn't care so much about the money as I did about enjoying what I was doing. (whatever, call me a hippie) A few days after that my dad talked to me about it, saying that he didn't think that the job I got taught me any "social skills". He said he was worried about me because I have never "held a job" according to him, and that I need to find something challenging. A month ago he was telling me to just get a job and than I am only here for the summer so it doesn't have to be something I am going to hold on to.
So my parents spent the first half of the summer yelling at me because I didn't have a job, and now the second half they are yelling at me because my job isn't good enough. I am so frustrated I just want to leave. It is hard being in a house when I feel like I am worthless and useless. I never felt that way at school. I was always doing something, whether it be school, charity or helping people out. I felt like I had a purpose there. I was there for a reason, my life was headed forward. Now that I am here, I feel like I have no purpose, like my life is on hold waiting for me to return to it in late August.
I want to please my parents, but I don't want to do it because they are breathing down my back. I want to do it because I want to give back to them a life that they gave to me. It is hard for me to perform when people are anticipating the finale. It's hard to do anything when I feel like I am being forced into doing it. I want a job, I do. I am getting a job on campus when I go back to school, against my dad's wishes. But I want one. I want to provide for myself from now on so I am not leaning on them like a backbone. I am torn between being furious with them for putting so much pressure on me about this job thing and feeling selfish for not having a job to help them out.
On one end I am so thankful for the fact that they are paying for my schooling which costs extremely way too much money for its own good. They helped my financially through my first year there and encouraged me to stay on top of my school work. I feel like I am indebted to them for all that they are providing. I want to give back to them, get a steady job, pay for all of my expenses this year, and still do really well in school. I enjoy making my parents happy because of the life they worked so hard for me to be able to live how I want to.
On the opposite end. I am going crazy in this house. I am in constant anxiety, afraid to come on contact with my parents (especially my dad) because I feel like I have been nothing but a constant disappointment since I have arrived here for the summer. For the first month and a half they scolded me every day for not being employed. I agree that it was ridiculous to have been here for that long without a job, but when my parents demand things from me I become less motivated to do that task. I don't want to do it for them, I want to do it for me, quietly, and then display my labors by giving back to them. After a long and tedious time of being home I finally land a job, one that I actually would love to do. Afterall my dad has always told me to try and find something that I would enjoy doing. I came home so excited I got a job I want to do, but I didn't parade it around the house telling my parents because that's just not how I do things.
After my mom discovers that I got hired she seems pleased with the job and the effort I made to get it. (I had to pull a few strings) The next day however, would prove that I again, am disappointing. She decided that the job I finally got, after about 2 months of them yelling at me to get one, was not good enough for her. She thought I could get a better job that paid more money than the one I got. I told her I didn't care so much about the money as I did about enjoying what I was doing. (whatever, call me a hippie) A few days after that my dad talked to me about it, saying that he didn't think that the job I got taught me any "social skills". He said he was worried about me because I have never "held a job" according to him, and that I need to find something challenging. A month ago he was telling me to just get a job and than I am only here for the summer so it doesn't have to be something I am going to hold on to.
So my parents spent the first half of the summer yelling at me because I didn't have a job, and now the second half they are yelling at me because my job isn't good enough. I am so frustrated I just want to leave. It is hard being in a house when I feel like I am worthless and useless. I never felt that way at school. I was always doing something, whether it be school, charity or helping people out. I felt like I had a purpose there. I was there for a reason, my life was headed forward. Now that I am here, I feel like I have no purpose, like my life is on hold waiting for me to return to it in late August.
I want to please my parents, but I don't want to do it because they are breathing down my back. I want to do it because I want to give back to them a life that they gave to me. It is hard for me to perform when people are anticipating the finale. It's hard to do anything when I feel like I am being forced into doing it. I want a job, I do. I am getting a job on campus when I go back to school, against my dad's wishes. But I want one. I want to provide for myself from now on so I am not leaning on them like a backbone. I am torn between being furious with them for putting so much pressure on me about this job thing and feeling selfish for not having a job to help them out.