Double (Trouble) Date - for mollivanders
Title: Double (Trouble) Date
Author: shinealightonme
Fandom: Parks & Recreation
Gift for: mollivanders
Characters/Pairing: Ben/Leslie, hints of Ann/Ron
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~3600 words
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers/Warnings: minor spoilers through "Ms. Knope Goes to Washington"
Summary: Leslie may or may not be up to something, Ron has very specific ideas about how vacations should happen, and Ann will just be happy if they all live to tell the tale.
Author’s Note: I hope you enjoy this, mollivanders! My sincerest apologies for the delay.
Ben wakes up alone, in a tent, on a lumpy patch of ground, and commences with the muttering that has become his routine for the last few days: "what am I doing here," "who the hell invented camping," "what kind of vacation leaves you more beaten up than you started?"
Then he crawls outside the tent and spots Leslie smiling at the trees, and the sunrise, and brewing coffee over the camp stove.
"Oh. Right."
The smile on his face could only be described as "dopey," and that from a generous perspective.
"Morning, sleepyhead," Leslie calls as she looks over at him.
"You are the only person I know who considers waking up during sunrise to be 'sleeping in'."
"It's the most beautiful part of the day! Out here, in nature...birds singing, leaves rustling in the breeze..."
"Well, I can think of one thing that's more beautiful than a sunrise." Ben wraps his arms around Leslie and kisses her lightly on the cheek.
"Ugh, stop it, you're embarrassing both of us." Nevertheless, Leslie smiles and leans into the kiss.
It's a perfect moment.
The one that follows it, less so.
A dead raccoon falls from the tree five feet in front of them, crashing into the camp stove, sending hot coffee flying through the air.
Leslie and Ben yelp - Ben will deny later that his was the higher pitched sound - and stumble backwards.
A loud, furious voice splits the peaceful nature sounds around them: "What the hell, Ron? You can't shoot raccoons in our campsite with a blow dart! You know how much of a health hazard that is?"
"Damn it, woman, that's more reason to scare them off. And this wouldn't have happened if you had put the food away properly last night. You're lucky we didn't get bears. I can only wrestle one at a time, and we both know Ben would be useless at it."
Ben groans and buries his face in Leslie's hair as the arguing continues. "So I guess Ron and Ann are awake."
"Yup. I'll get started on a new batch of coffee." Leslie straightens up the camp stove.
"Still glad we brought them along?" Ben asks.
"Of course," Leslie says, but the tone in her voice betrays the slightest hint of doubt, which is the Leslie-equivalent of anyone else saying 'Oh God, oh God, what horrors have I wreaked.' "They're our friends. They enhance our lives."
"They didn't do this poor guy any favors."
Ben nudges the raccoon with his foot.
"Okay, he's not dead, let's just back away - shit!"
-
Ann puts a box of camping supplies in the trunk of a car and dusts her hands off. In the background, Ben breaks down a tent.
"About a month ago, Leslie came to me and said, 'hey, Ann, let's have some more girl time together.' I was thinking spa day, but Leslie had her heart set on a road trip to the beach, and that was pretty good too.
"At no point in time was it made clear to me that 'girl time' was also going to be 'romantic vacation' time, and...'employee bonding time?' You know, I can kind of see Leslie combining a vacation with me and a vacation with Ben and writing it off as efficiency, but I can't for the life of me figure out how Ron got mixed up in it. Or why he decided to come along. Or why he brought blow darts to hunt local wildlife - okay, actually, that last one, yeah, I can see how that happened."
Behind her, the tent collapses on Ben. He flails.
"Do I think it's awkward? No, of course not. Why would I possibly think it's awkward to be third wheel to an obnoxiously cute couple and the scariest guy I know?"
Ann frowns, as Leslie runs to save Ben from being smothered by canvas.
"Would that be third wheel or fourth wheel? Cause there's four of us, but fourth wheel kind of sounds like Ron and Leslie and Ben are all..." Ann shudders. "I think I just broke my brain."
-
"Okay," Leslie says, her trademark enthusiasm undampened by her slightly disheveled state. "We're making good time still, just a little held up by this morning's incidences, but we should make that time up on the road. In a couple of hours, we will be on the beach!"
This provokes mild cheers from Ben and Ann. Ron grunts. It's unclear if this is a positive or negative response.
-
"No, I'm not a big fan of camping," Ben tells the camera. "But Leslie's had a busy time lately with the campaign and everything else, so I thought this sounded like fun. And this time, Tom Haverford is several states away, which puts me a great deal more at ease."
-
"Ooh, look, Alaska!" Leslie points to the license plate on a car ahead of them and punches Ben in the arm.
"Ow! What was that for? I thought punching was just for Volkswagens."
"Good point. Slugbug!" Leslie points to the green VW driving past and punches Ben again.
"I guess I should just be glad that Ron's not in this car." Ben clears his throat in a very staged manner. "So, not that I'm complaining, but...Ron and Ann?"
Leslie shrugs. "I like to hang out with my favorite people."
"Am I not enough of a favorite for one vacation?"
"Don't be silly, you're my most favorite - well - maybe - let's not go there."
Ben looks at the camera, quizzical.
"The point is," Leslie continues undeterred. "I thought some company could be fun. Besides, Ron's always saying he wants to go camping with you."
"Really."
"Really."
"Ron Swanson says that. All the time."
"Yes. Well, he said it once. And he might have been giddy on government budget cuts at the time."
"Oh, well, if Ron is such a big fan of me, I guess I don't have to worry that this vacation is all some scheme of yours."
"Scheme? Whatever do you mean by that?"
Ben smiles and waves the question away. "It's stupid."
"No, what?"
He shrugs defensively. "Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but for a second I thought that this was all some secret plot of yours to fix up Ann and Ron."
"Shut up." Leslie laughs.
"I know, I know, it's ridiculous."
"Pft, please." Leslie laughs again. "Totally ridiculous."
Ben's smile slips. He turns to face Leslie and his expression becomes downright alarmed. "Leslie, I know that laugh. That is your 'covering up for something' laugh."
"I'm not covering up anything. You're covering up your face."
"Leslie, what are you up to?"
"I'm not up to anything! I just think, you know, give the two of them a chance to hang out together, no distractions, who knows, they'll probably have fun."
Ben looks at the camera and mouths the word: doooooom.
-
"Oh, I love this song." Ann turns the radio up a few notches and starts humming along.
"Girls, they wanna have fun, oh girls just wanna have..." Ann trails off as she registers the unblinking glare Ron is giving her.
"You should really keep your eyes on the road," Ann says as the car starts to veer into the oncoming traffic lane.
Ron corrects their path without looking away from her.
"Look forward," Ann pressed. "What you're doing right now? Stupidly dangerous."
"So is distracting the driver."
"Fine, I will turn the radio down." Ann does so. "In return, don't kill us."
"That sounds like a fair trade."
Ron looks ahead, and so misses the baffled, infuriated expression on Ann's face.
-
The second they park their cars on their designated camp site - which is tiny, and super close to a loud, enormous family on one side and some dilapidated tents that smell like weed on the other, but has a killer view of the ocean - Leslie goes to track down a park ranger to ask about the history of the state park beaches and probably a thousand other questions the poor guy doesn't really want to answer. Ron tags along to inquire about whether there's any large game in the area.
Ben and Ann make a start on unpacking the campsite, hampered somewhat by the fact that they communicate almost entirely in awkward, pained smiles and fumbling half sentences.
Ben lays out a tarp as Ann stares into a camera a safe distance away.
Just to be sure, she looks over her shoulder to check that he isn't listening, and speaks in a low voice.
"I don't know what's going on here," she confides. "But Ben is acting super weird. I think weirder than he was earlier on this trip. Am I imagining that? Maybe this is just 'what do I say to my girlfriend's best friend when my girlfriend isn't around' nerves. But I think he's weirder than before."
She points at the camera. "This has something to do with Leslie, doesn't it? Do you know something? Ugh, why am I asking you, you're useless."
The camera droops slightly as Ann walks away.
-
Leslie and Ann work together to pitch one of the tents, with Ben standing a respectable distance away.
Ron walks over, whistling, holding two shovels.
Leslie glances at him and puts her hands on her hips. The tent wobbles precariously before Ann catches it.
"No, Ron," Leslie says sternly. "For the last time, we are not digging a latrine. The campsite has perfectly fine public restrooms. Well, not perfect -
"Adequate?" Ann suggests. "At best?"
Ben shrugs. "Better than a hole in the ground."
Ann rolls her eyes. "What are you complaining about, Mr. Pees-Standing-Up."
Ben raises his hands, half-defensive, half-surrender. "I'm on your side, here."
-
"Why did I agree to come on this trip?" Ron looks point-blank at the camera, like he's offended by the question. "You've seen Ben in the wild, right? If I didn't come, there'd be a good chance none of them would be heard from again, and then I'd have to do Leslie's work."
A short pause.
"It might also have something to do with Chris inviting me to some voodoo seminar with him. That man's inability to take no for an answer would be admirable, if it weren't so damned infuriating."
-
The campsite mostly set up, Ann seeks out Ron.
"Hey," she says, then waits for his greeting in response. There is none.
"So I was thinking," she continues, a trifle awkwardly. "Leslie invited us to come along, but I'm sure she and Ben would also like some time alone together, so we should probably find a way to make ourselves scarce for the afternoon."
"Nothing would make me happier than to disassociate myself completely from all of you," Ron answers. "But since the US government erroneously believes that it can claim public land and charge the people a fee for access to their birthright as American citizens, we are limited to this small patch of campsite."
Ann's smile is a trifle forced. "Just think about it, okay?"
-
"Just once," Ann fumes. "Just once, that man is going to say something polite and thoughtful and considerate to me, and then he will probably have a heart attack from the unbearable strain of being nice. Also from bacon and steak and good God, his cholesterol has to be through the roof. Just has to be."
-
"Hey guys," Leslie descends on Ann and Ron, Ben in tow and a handful of pamphlets. "We have been looking into the facilities here and we thought we'd try paddle boarding today."
Ron looks unimpressed. "What the ---- is paddle boarding?"
"You stand on a board, and you paddle it." Ben makes a face. "There was probably a way of describing it that didn't sound completely sarcastic."
Ron stares Ben down until he starts to squirm.
"What you're saying," Ron starts. "Is that it's like surfing, which is the official bastardized sport of the useless and infantile, except you take out the parts that require any skill or physical fitness."
"So, we'll put you down as a maybe?" Leslie's cheer is undiminished.
"No." Ron stands. "I think I'll go on a hike."
"Ooh, that sounds like fun," Ann says, with questionable sincerity. "I'll come along."
Ron glances at her unhappily.
Leslie squeals under her breath. "My plan is working, my plan is working."
"You said you didn't have a plan!" Ben whispers.
"Of course I have a plan, I always have a plan," Leslie whispers back. "Keep up, Wyatt."
-
"Hiking was not exactly what I had in mind, but I'm not going to hang around the camp site alone. There is way too much foot traffic going through, and the guys who camp out at state park beaches?" Ann makes a face. "Stoners. Oh so many stoners."
-
When they reach the beach, Leslie pulls out a bottle of sunscreen.
"Safety first," she says. "Help me get my back?"
"Oh, well, if it's for safety," Ben smiles suggestively.
Then he looks at the bottle.
"I didn't know they made SPF 200."
"You have to order it special from army supply companies. Actually it isn't so much 'ordering' as calling them several times a day and pestering them until they send you a crate."
"I don't know why any of that surprises me."
Ben pours some of the sunscreen on his hands.
"Leslie, I'm pretty sure this is house paint." He sniffs it, then holds the hand away from his face. "This is definitely house paint."
Leslie rolls her eyes. "And did you ever see a house with a sunburn?"
"I don't think that has anything to do with the paint so much as the house's lack of skin."
Leslie laughs at him and smears sunscreen over his face. It doesn't rub in.
Ben sputters. "This is not quite as sexy as I was imagining."
-
"What are you doing?" Ann asks.
Ron looks baffled by the question. "I'm hiking. What else would I be doing."
Ann points. "The path goes that way."
"Walking on a path is not hiking," Ron replies. "It's how small children are indoctrinated into our society's corrupt two party system." With that, he continues to make his way through the shrubbery off the path.
Ann throws her hands up in the air, but after a few moment's waiting, follows him. But not without retort. "Walking off the path isn't hiking either. It's how you step in poison ivy or bear traps or - snake."
Ann points, her heart racing, at the snake that has just emerged from hiding three feet away from Ron.
"Thought I heard something creeping around," Ron muses.
Ann thinks back to everything she knows about snakes and relaxes a touch.
"Oh," she sighs with relief as she recognizes the reptile's coloration. "It's not poisonous."
"Too bad for him." With that, Ron lifts his walking stick and is about to bring it down on the snake's head when Ann grabs the stick from behind.
The snake slithers quickly away.
"Damn it, woman, what did you do that for?"
"I just told you that snake wasn't poisonous!"
"Yes. I heard you."
"Then why did you try to kill it?"
"Why interact with nature if not to prove I'm better than it?"
Ann shakes her head and mouths 'wow.'
Ron continues forward, striking the ground with unnecessary force. "You know, there was some good meat on those bones."
-
"Leslie," Ben calls out.
"Yes?"
"I think we might have overlooked one small fact before setting off on this venture."
"Oh? What would that be?"
"Well, the need for balance, for one."
"Are there others?"
Ben thinks for a moment as he treads water. "I think that's it," he answers. "But it's an important one."
"At least the sunscreen is water proof," Leslie consoles as she paddles past him.
"Too water proof," Ben sputters. "I can't actually feel the water on my face. This stuff is unnatural - where are you going?"
Leslie keeps paddling. "I seem to recall someone challenging someone else to a race."
"That was you."
"And you accepted, so get back up on your board unless you want to lose."
"I fell off!"
"Well, that's a terrible strategy and you should have thought of the consequences before you did it." Leslie speeds up, getting further and further away.
Ben grits his teeth. A mad gleam enters his eye.
"Oh, it's on."
He swims toward his paddleboard.
-
"You know, I had my doubts," Ann says, staring at the ocean in front of her. "And I still think hiking off the path is a stupid idea. But this is a really beautiful here."
"It is at that," Ron says solemnly.
They stand together, peacefully, listening to the sounds of the wave.
Ann starts to look around at the rest of the scenery. "I think I've gotten turned around. How exactly do we get back?"
"Simple." Ron points to the cliff behind them. "We just climb up there and it's a short stretch back to the tents."
"That can't be the best way."
"It's the shortest, simplest way."
"Climbing a cliff is simple? Don't you need ropes, or a spotter?"
"Spotters are for people who fall. Also known as losers."
"Okay, you know, I'm just going to follow the beach until I see something that looks familiar."
Ron stares at the beach. "I wonder how the fishing is here."
Ann brightens up. "Wow, that actually sounds like a fun idea."
Ron nods. "Wait right here. I'll go back to camp and get the harpoons."
Ann covers her face with a hand. "Never mind!"
Ron is already halfway up the cliff face.
-
Ron is cooking over a campfire when Leslie and Ben return to camp, both soaking wet and trying to towel off.
"You kids have fun?" Ann asks, handing them both beers.
"Oh thank God," Ben says, cracking the can open and gulping from it.
"So, no?"
"No, it was fun," Leslie says. "Just maybe a little more reminiscent of Ben-Hur than originally anticipated."
Ann raises an eyebrow.
"Is that fish?" Ben asks, walking up to the fire to examine Ron's craftsmanship.
"It isn't snake, that's for sure!" Ann answers.
Now it's Leslie's turn to raise an eyebrow.
"It really isn't," Ann adds.
"That just makes it more suspicious than if you hadn't said anything."
Ann shrugs. "It's been a suspicious kind of afternoon."
"Why?" Leslie presses. "You're having fun, right? I know this isn't exactly what you had in mind for vacation..."
"No! No, I mean yes, I am having a good time. Especially now that I know I'm not going to get arrested by the Coast Guard." Ann got a thoughtful look on her face. "And throwing a harpoon was pretty fun."
"Okay, good. I'm not sure if harpoon is a code for something, but good."
"I do have one question." Ann looked Leslie square in the eyes. "Leslie, you aren't scheming anything, are you?"
"Why do you ask? Did Ben say something?"
"Well, I ask because you have you're 'I'm scheming something' face on. But what's this about Ben?"
"Nothing. It's nothing at all. Ben wants you to get together with Ron."
"What? Ron?" Ann took a step backward and looked at the guys by the campfire. "Ron Swanson?"
"Maybe. Just, any Ron."
Ann started laughing. "Why would Ben care about me and Ron?"
"Well, he's a romantic deep down."
"Uh-huh. Because that sounds like a Leslie scheme, not a Ben scheme."
"Noooooo, it's a Ben scheme. Because Ben thinks you are a beautiful, wonderful, kind woman who deserves to be happy."
"In that case," Ann says, getting her giggles under control. "You tell Ben that I appreciate the meddling, but I am totally happy just being here with you guys."
"All right."
Ann and Leslie hug.
"It wasn't really Ben's scheme," Leslie whispers.
"I kinda figured," Ann whispers back.
"But that was just the back up scheme," Leslie adds. "The real scheme was to have you and Ben get to know each other better. But I thought you might feel weird if it was just the two of us and Ben, so I brought Ron along."
"And me and Ron as a couple?"
Leslie shrugged. "You have to admit, he is the anti-Tom."
"There's that." Ann looks over at Ron, who is holding a burning log aloft from the campfire as Ben scrambles away, alarmed. "I don't know."
"Don't worry about it for right now. That was just going to be a bonus anyway. Mostly I want my beautiful nurse and my cute boy to be friends with each other."
"Aw, Leslie, you're sweet."
"No, you're sweet."
"So tomorrow I will hang out with Ben, and you can deal with - that." Ann waves at Ron's pyrotechnic display.
"Yeah, we should probably go deal with that."
-
Leslie, looking singed, addresses the camera. "So, the good news is, we didn't burn the campsite down."
She grimaces.
"I'm really sorry about your equipment, though."
Pan over to a burned husk of a camera.
-
"I had my doubts about harpooned fish cooked over an open flame," Ann admits, eating the last bites of dinner. "But this is actually really tasty."
"And I," Ben says triumphantly, "have dessert." He pulls out a box of frozen Eggos.
"Oh, you sweet man," Leslie says. "I appreciate you, but those things are an abomination."
"I don't know," Ann shrugs. "I bet you could make some kick ass s'mores using those instead of graham crackers."
Leslie's mouth drops. "Oh my God, how much time have I wasted." She jumps to her feet and runs to the cars. "I'm getting the toasting forks!"
As Leslie runs to rummage through the trunk of her car, Ben looks at Ann. "Nice save."
Ann shrugs. "Any time, bucko."
Author: shinealightonme
Fandom: Parks & Recreation
Gift for: mollivanders
Characters/Pairing: Ben/Leslie, hints of Ann/Ron
Rating: PG
Word Count: ~3600 words
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers/Warnings: minor spoilers through "Ms. Knope Goes to Washington"
Summary: Leslie may or may not be up to something, Ron has very specific ideas about how vacations should happen, and Ann will just be happy if they all live to tell the tale.
Author’s Note: I hope you enjoy this, mollivanders! My sincerest apologies for the delay.
Ben wakes up alone, in a tent, on a lumpy patch of ground, and commences with the muttering that has become his routine for the last few days: "what am I doing here," "who the hell invented camping," "what kind of vacation leaves you more beaten up than you started?"
Then he crawls outside the tent and spots Leslie smiling at the trees, and the sunrise, and brewing coffee over the camp stove.
"Oh. Right."
The smile on his face could only be described as "dopey," and that from a generous perspective.
"Morning, sleepyhead," Leslie calls as she looks over at him.
"You are the only person I know who considers waking up during sunrise to be 'sleeping in'."
"It's the most beautiful part of the day! Out here, in nature...birds singing, leaves rustling in the breeze..."
"Well, I can think of one thing that's more beautiful than a sunrise." Ben wraps his arms around Leslie and kisses her lightly on the cheek.
"Ugh, stop it, you're embarrassing both of us." Nevertheless, Leslie smiles and leans into the kiss.
It's a perfect moment.
The one that follows it, less so.
A dead raccoon falls from the tree five feet in front of them, crashing into the camp stove, sending hot coffee flying through the air.
Leslie and Ben yelp - Ben will deny later that his was the higher pitched sound - and stumble backwards.
A loud, furious voice splits the peaceful nature sounds around them: "What the hell, Ron? You can't shoot raccoons in our campsite with a blow dart! You know how much of a health hazard that is?"
"Damn it, woman, that's more reason to scare them off. And this wouldn't have happened if you had put the food away properly last night. You're lucky we didn't get bears. I can only wrestle one at a time, and we both know Ben would be useless at it."
Ben groans and buries his face in Leslie's hair as the arguing continues. "So I guess Ron and Ann are awake."
"Yup. I'll get started on a new batch of coffee." Leslie straightens up the camp stove.
"Still glad we brought them along?" Ben asks.
"Of course," Leslie says, but the tone in her voice betrays the slightest hint of doubt, which is the Leslie-equivalent of anyone else saying 'Oh God, oh God, what horrors have I wreaked.' "They're our friends. They enhance our lives."
"They didn't do this poor guy any favors."
Ben nudges the raccoon with his foot.
"Okay, he's not dead, let's just back away - shit!"
-
Ann puts a box of camping supplies in the trunk of a car and dusts her hands off. In the background, Ben breaks down a tent.
"About a month ago, Leslie came to me and said, 'hey, Ann, let's have some more girl time together.' I was thinking spa day, but Leslie had her heart set on a road trip to the beach, and that was pretty good too.
"At no point in time was it made clear to me that 'girl time' was also going to be 'romantic vacation' time, and...'employee bonding time?' You know, I can kind of see Leslie combining a vacation with me and a vacation with Ben and writing it off as efficiency, but I can't for the life of me figure out how Ron got mixed up in it. Or why he decided to come along. Or why he brought blow darts to hunt local wildlife - okay, actually, that last one, yeah, I can see how that happened."
Behind her, the tent collapses on Ben. He flails.
"Do I think it's awkward? No, of course not. Why would I possibly think it's awkward to be third wheel to an obnoxiously cute couple and the scariest guy I know?"
Ann frowns, as Leslie runs to save Ben from being smothered by canvas.
"Would that be third wheel or fourth wheel? Cause there's four of us, but fourth wheel kind of sounds like Ron and Leslie and Ben are all..." Ann shudders. "I think I just broke my brain."
-
"Okay," Leslie says, her trademark enthusiasm undampened by her slightly disheveled state. "We're making good time still, just a little held up by this morning's incidences, but we should make that time up on the road. In a couple of hours, we will be on the beach!"
This provokes mild cheers from Ben and Ann. Ron grunts. It's unclear if this is a positive or negative response.
-
"No, I'm not a big fan of camping," Ben tells the camera. "But Leslie's had a busy time lately with the campaign and everything else, so I thought this sounded like fun. And this time, Tom Haverford is several states away, which puts me a great deal more at ease."
-
"Ooh, look, Alaska!" Leslie points to the license plate on a car ahead of them and punches Ben in the arm.
"Ow! What was that for? I thought punching was just for Volkswagens."
"Good point. Slugbug!" Leslie points to the green VW driving past and punches Ben again.
"I guess I should just be glad that Ron's not in this car." Ben clears his throat in a very staged manner. "So, not that I'm complaining, but...Ron and Ann?"
Leslie shrugs. "I like to hang out with my favorite people."
"Am I not enough of a favorite for one vacation?"
"Don't be silly, you're my most favorite - well - maybe - let's not go there."
Ben looks at the camera, quizzical.
"The point is," Leslie continues undeterred. "I thought some company could be fun. Besides, Ron's always saying he wants to go camping with you."
"Really."
"Really."
"Ron Swanson says that. All the time."
"Yes. Well, he said it once. And he might have been giddy on government budget cuts at the time."
"Oh, well, if Ron is such a big fan of me, I guess I don't have to worry that this vacation is all some scheme of yours."
"Scheme? Whatever do you mean by that?"
Ben smiles and waves the question away. "It's stupid."
"No, what?"
He shrugs defensively. "Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but for a second I thought that this was all some secret plot of yours to fix up Ann and Ron."
"Shut up." Leslie laughs.
"I know, I know, it's ridiculous."
"Pft, please." Leslie laughs again. "Totally ridiculous."
Ben's smile slips. He turns to face Leslie and his expression becomes downright alarmed. "Leslie, I know that laugh. That is your 'covering up for something' laugh."
"I'm not covering up anything. You're covering up your face."
"Leslie, what are you up to?"
"I'm not up to anything! I just think, you know, give the two of them a chance to hang out together, no distractions, who knows, they'll probably have fun."
Ben looks at the camera and mouths the word: doooooom.
-
"Oh, I love this song." Ann turns the radio up a few notches and starts humming along.
"Girls, they wanna have fun, oh girls just wanna have..." Ann trails off as she registers the unblinking glare Ron is giving her.
"You should really keep your eyes on the road," Ann says as the car starts to veer into the oncoming traffic lane.
Ron corrects their path without looking away from her.
"Look forward," Ann pressed. "What you're doing right now? Stupidly dangerous."
"So is distracting the driver."
"Fine, I will turn the radio down." Ann does so. "In return, don't kill us."
"That sounds like a fair trade."
Ron looks ahead, and so misses the baffled, infuriated expression on Ann's face.
-
The second they park their cars on their designated camp site - which is tiny, and super close to a loud, enormous family on one side and some dilapidated tents that smell like weed on the other, but has a killer view of the ocean - Leslie goes to track down a park ranger to ask about the history of the state park beaches and probably a thousand other questions the poor guy doesn't really want to answer. Ron tags along to inquire about whether there's any large game in the area.
Ben and Ann make a start on unpacking the campsite, hampered somewhat by the fact that they communicate almost entirely in awkward, pained smiles and fumbling half sentences.
Ben lays out a tarp as Ann stares into a camera a safe distance away.
Just to be sure, she looks over her shoulder to check that he isn't listening, and speaks in a low voice.
"I don't know what's going on here," she confides. "But Ben is acting super weird. I think weirder than he was earlier on this trip. Am I imagining that? Maybe this is just 'what do I say to my girlfriend's best friend when my girlfriend isn't around' nerves. But I think he's weirder than before."
She points at the camera. "This has something to do with Leslie, doesn't it? Do you know something? Ugh, why am I asking you, you're useless."
The camera droops slightly as Ann walks away.
-
Leslie and Ann work together to pitch one of the tents, with Ben standing a respectable distance away.
Ron walks over, whistling, holding two shovels.
Leslie glances at him and puts her hands on her hips. The tent wobbles precariously before Ann catches it.
"No, Ron," Leslie says sternly. "For the last time, we are not digging a latrine. The campsite has perfectly fine public restrooms. Well, not perfect -
"Adequate?" Ann suggests. "At best?"
Ben shrugs. "Better than a hole in the ground."
Ann rolls her eyes. "What are you complaining about, Mr. Pees-Standing-Up."
Ben raises his hands, half-defensive, half-surrender. "I'm on your side, here."
-
"Why did I agree to come on this trip?" Ron looks point-blank at the camera, like he's offended by the question. "You've seen Ben in the wild, right? If I didn't come, there'd be a good chance none of them would be heard from again, and then I'd have to do Leslie's work."
A short pause.
"It might also have something to do with Chris inviting me to some voodoo seminar with him. That man's inability to take no for an answer would be admirable, if it weren't so damned infuriating."
-
The campsite mostly set up, Ann seeks out Ron.
"Hey," she says, then waits for his greeting in response. There is none.
"So I was thinking," she continues, a trifle awkwardly. "Leslie invited us to come along, but I'm sure she and Ben would also like some time alone together, so we should probably find a way to make ourselves scarce for the afternoon."
"Nothing would make me happier than to disassociate myself completely from all of you," Ron answers. "But since the US government erroneously believes that it can claim public land and charge the people a fee for access to their birthright as American citizens, we are limited to this small patch of campsite."
Ann's smile is a trifle forced. "Just think about it, okay?"
-
"Just once," Ann fumes. "Just once, that man is going to say something polite and thoughtful and considerate to me, and then he will probably have a heart attack from the unbearable strain of being nice. Also from bacon and steak and good God, his cholesterol has to be through the roof. Just has to be."
-
"Hey guys," Leslie descends on Ann and Ron, Ben in tow and a handful of pamphlets. "We have been looking into the facilities here and we thought we'd try paddle boarding today."
Ron looks unimpressed. "What the ---- is paddle boarding?"
"You stand on a board, and you paddle it." Ben makes a face. "There was probably a way of describing it that didn't sound completely sarcastic."
Ron stares Ben down until he starts to squirm.
"What you're saying," Ron starts. "Is that it's like surfing, which is the official bastardized sport of the useless and infantile, except you take out the parts that require any skill or physical fitness."
"So, we'll put you down as a maybe?" Leslie's cheer is undiminished.
"No." Ron stands. "I think I'll go on a hike."
"Ooh, that sounds like fun," Ann says, with questionable sincerity. "I'll come along."
Ron glances at her unhappily.
Leslie squeals under her breath. "My plan is working, my plan is working."
"You said you didn't have a plan!" Ben whispers.
"Of course I have a plan, I always have a plan," Leslie whispers back. "Keep up, Wyatt."
-
"Hiking was not exactly what I had in mind, but I'm not going to hang around the camp site alone. There is way too much foot traffic going through, and the guys who camp out at state park beaches?" Ann makes a face. "Stoners. Oh so many stoners."
-
When they reach the beach, Leslie pulls out a bottle of sunscreen.
"Safety first," she says. "Help me get my back?"
"Oh, well, if it's for safety," Ben smiles suggestively.
Then he looks at the bottle.
"I didn't know they made SPF 200."
"You have to order it special from army supply companies. Actually it isn't so much 'ordering' as calling them several times a day and pestering them until they send you a crate."
"I don't know why any of that surprises me."
Ben pours some of the sunscreen on his hands.
"Leslie, I'm pretty sure this is house paint." He sniffs it, then holds the hand away from his face. "This is definitely house paint."
Leslie rolls her eyes. "And did you ever see a house with a sunburn?"
"I don't think that has anything to do with the paint so much as the house's lack of skin."
Leslie laughs at him and smears sunscreen over his face. It doesn't rub in.
Ben sputters. "This is not quite as sexy as I was imagining."
-
"What are you doing?" Ann asks.
Ron looks baffled by the question. "I'm hiking. What else would I be doing."
Ann points. "The path goes that way."
"Walking on a path is not hiking," Ron replies. "It's how small children are indoctrinated into our society's corrupt two party system." With that, he continues to make his way through the shrubbery off the path.
Ann throws her hands up in the air, but after a few moment's waiting, follows him. But not without retort. "Walking off the path isn't hiking either. It's how you step in poison ivy or bear traps or - snake."
Ann points, her heart racing, at the snake that has just emerged from hiding three feet away from Ron.
"Thought I heard something creeping around," Ron muses.
Ann thinks back to everything she knows about snakes and relaxes a touch.
"Oh," she sighs with relief as she recognizes the reptile's coloration. "It's not poisonous."
"Too bad for him." With that, Ron lifts his walking stick and is about to bring it down on the snake's head when Ann grabs the stick from behind.
The snake slithers quickly away.
"Damn it, woman, what did you do that for?"
"I just told you that snake wasn't poisonous!"
"Yes. I heard you."
"Then why did you try to kill it?"
"Why interact with nature if not to prove I'm better than it?"
Ann shakes her head and mouths 'wow.'
Ron continues forward, striking the ground with unnecessary force. "You know, there was some good meat on those bones."
-
"Leslie," Ben calls out.
"Yes?"
"I think we might have overlooked one small fact before setting off on this venture."
"Oh? What would that be?"
"Well, the need for balance, for one."
"Are there others?"
Ben thinks for a moment as he treads water. "I think that's it," he answers. "But it's an important one."
"At least the sunscreen is water proof," Leslie consoles as she paddles past him.
"Too water proof," Ben sputters. "I can't actually feel the water on my face. This stuff is unnatural - where are you going?"
Leslie keeps paddling. "I seem to recall someone challenging someone else to a race."
"That was you."
"And you accepted, so get back up on your board unless you want to lose."
"I fell off!"
"Well, that's a terrible strategy and you should have thought of the consequences before you did it." Leslie speeds up, getting further and further away.
Ben grits his teeth. A mad gleam enters his eye.
"Oh, it's on."
He swims toward his paddleboard.
-
"You know, I had my doubts," Ann says, staring at the ocean in front of her. "And I still think hiking off the path is a stupid idea. But this is a really beautiful here."
"It is at that," Ron says solemnly.
They stand together, peacefully, listening to the sounds of the wave.
Ann starts to look around at the rest of the scenery. "I think I've gotten turned around. How exactly do we get back?"
"Simple." Ron points to the cliff behind them. "We just climb up there and it's a short stretch back to the tents."
"That can't be the best way."
"It's the shortest, simplest way."
"Climbing a cliff is simple? Don't you need ropes, or a spotter?"
"Spotters are for people who fall. Also known as losers."
"Okay, you know, I'm just going to follow the beach until I see something that looks familiar."
Ron stares at the beach. "I wonder how the fishing is here."
Ann brightens up. "Wow, that actually sounds like a fun idea."
Ron nods. "Wait right here. I'll go back to camp and get the harpoons."
Ann covers her face with a hand. "Never mind!"
Ron is already halfway up the cliff face.
-
Ron is cooking over a campfire when Leslie and Ben return to camp, both soaking wet and trying to towel off.
"You kids have fun?" Ann asks, handing them both beers.
"Oh thank God," Ben says, cracking the can open and gulping from it.
"So, no?"
"No, it was fun," Leslie says. "Just maybe a little more reminiscent of Ben-Hur than originally anticipated."
Ann raises an eyebrow.
"Is that fish?" Ben asks, walking up to the fire to examine Ron's craftsmanship.
"It isn't snake, that's for sure!" Ann answers.
Now it's Leslie's turn to raise an eyebrow.
"It really isn't," Ann adds.
"That just makes it more suspicious than if you hadn't said anything."
Ann shrugs. "It's been a suspicious kind of afternoon."
"Why?" Leslie presses. "You're having fun, right? I know this isn't exactly what you had in mind for vacation..."
"No! No, I mean yes, I am having a good time. Especially now that I know I'm not going to get arrested by the Coast Guard." Ann got a thoughtful look on her face. "And throwing a harpoon was pretty fun."
"Okay, good. I'm not sure if harpoon is a code for something, but good."
"I do have one question." Ann looked Leslie square in the eyes. "Leslie, you aren't scheming anything, are you?"
"Why do you ask? Did Ben say something?"
"Well, I ask because you have you're 'I'm scheming something' face on. But what's this about Ben?"
"Nothing. It's nothing at all. Ben wants you to get together with Ron."
"What? Ron?" Ann took a step backward and looked at the guys by the campfire. "Ron Swanson?"
"Maybe. Just, any Ron."
Ann started laughing. "Why would Ben care about me and Ron?"
"Well, he's a romantic deep down."
"Uh-huh. Because that sounds like a Leslie scheme, not a Ben scheme."
"Noooooo, it's a Ben scheme. Because Ben thinks you are a beautiful, wonderful, kind woman who deserves to be happy."
"In that case," Ann says, getting her giggles under control. "You tell Ben that I appreciate the meddling, but I am totally happy just being here with you guys."
"All right."
Ann and Leslie hug.
"It wasn't really Ben's scheme," Leslie whispers.
"I kinda figured," Ann whispers back.
"But that was just the back up scheme," Leslie adds. "The real scheme was to have you and Ben get to know each other better. But I thought you might feel weird if it was just the two of us and Ben, so I brought Ron along."
"And me and Ron as a couple?"
Leslie shrugged. "You have to admit, he is the anti-Tom."
"There's that." Ann looks over at Ron, who is holding a burning log aloft from the campfire as Ben scrambles away, alarmed. "I don't know."
"Don't worry about it for right now. That was just going to be a bonus anyway. Mostly I want my beautiful nurse and my cute boy to be friends with each other."
"Aw, Leslie, you're sweet."
"No, you're sweet."
"So tomorrow I will hang out with Ben, and you can deal with - that." Ann waves at Ron's pyrotechnic display.
"Yeah, we should probably go deal with that."
-
Leslie, looking singed, addresses the camera. "So, the good news is, we didn't burn the campsite down."
She grimaces.
"I'm really sorry about your equipment, though."
Pan over to a burned husk of a camera.
-
"I had my doubts about harpooned fish cooked over an open flame," Ann admits, eating the last bites of dinner. "But this is actually really tasty."
"And I," Ben says triumphantly, "have dessert." He pulls out a box of frozen Eggos.
"Oh, you sweet man," Leslie says. "I appreciate you, but those things are an abomination."
"I don't know," Ann shrugs. "I bet you could make some kick ass s'mores using those instead of graham crackers."
Leslie's mouth drops. "Oh my God, how much time have I wasted." She jumps to her feet and runs to the cars. "I'm getting the toasting forks!"
As Leslie runs to rummage through the trunk of her car, Ben looks at Ann. "Nice save."
Ann shrugs. "Any time, bucko."