this sums it up...
Today was suppossed to be a great day. My family was in town for the OU Texas game and I was inviting friends over as well. Only one ended up coming. And all she did was watch me get all worked up over the game. My aunt was so into the game she basically ignored me. Nobody said goodbye to me when they left either. OU lost and that made me extremely upset. I have a really bad headache right now, actually. I also thought about Nate alot today. I haven't talked to him in a couple of days. I still can't believe I let myself get so attatched to him when I knew he was moving back to california. What did I expect? That he would change his mind for me? Hahaha. I'm feeling more depressed than usual and I'm seeing Connie again, which is really hard for me. I feel like I hate myself more than usual, I feel more alone and empty than usual... I just hate the way things are for me right now. I literally have nobody. There is no way I will be able to open up to the people that surround me now. All I want is to tell Nate everything and just cry. I just want to let it all go and I want him to hold me. Those nights with him were the best I'd ever felt. And now he is gone and I will never have that with him again. It is so weird how he has completely replaced John. It's like John who? I'm glad that I'm seeig Connie for the reason that if I wasn't I would go crazy. I do not know what I would do with mself. Things have never been like this before. I have never felt more depressed/empty/pathetic/worthless in my entire life. I feel like such a waste and I just want to dissapear. I've been so overwhelmed lately and all I want to do is talk to Nate, but I dont think that is appropriate. We weren't very good friends untill right before he left, and I don't want him to think I'm clinging to him like I did with John, his best friend. I feel like I can't completely breathe, and like I have a stomach full of rocks. I just might curl up in my bed and dissapear for the rest of the night.