I am in an overly wordy mood.
Well, sometimes interesting moods happen to interesting people. This afternoon, mostly out of sheer relentless boredom, I decided to stop using the depth of grammar and punctuation that MSN truly deserves, and bestow upon it something greater. I needed to show it the true beauty of the written word. My good friend Lindsey was greatly impressed by this transformation of mine, and begged of me to write something deep and meaningful, something to truly take advantage of this infrequent mood.
Now is the time to fully grasp and understand these words that are gracefully spilling from my mind. I am now going to educate you on a wondrous new mathematical theory. I have dubbed it the "h4 quotient". To put it simply, this is a measure of the hilarity embedded in a written, spoken, or signed statement. The equation is deceptively simple:
H = "ha"^h
Where:
H = Embedded Hilarity
"ha" = The actual string "ha"
h = The h4 quotient
I understand if my uneducated readers are not following this description thus far. So, to guide all of you along, here are a few examples:
ha (h4 = 0)
hahaha (h4 = 2)
hahahahahahahahahahaha (h4 = 10)
And now some example statements, their response, and the h4 quotient for the given statement:
"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!"
"Ha." h4 = 0
"Your birth mother is so fat, that when she unfortunately fell
and broke her leg, gravy spewed forth from her horrid wound"
"Hahaha" h4 = 2
So, as can be seen from these examples, the h4 quotient is directly proportional to how funny a statement will come across.
Unfortunately, not everyone's humour is cut and dry. Throughout your adventurous travels, you may have come across certain people who misrepresent themselves. I like to call a specimen from this class Le Lipitilial Mamamerial Recticus, which means "The one mammal without ingrained humour" in Latin. The Latin spelling is usually abbreviated using the hard consonants to come up with the common form: LLLLMMMR, or further shortened, they become L4M3Rs.
The current form of the h4 quotient does not take into account the breadth of L4M3R-ness apparent throughout humanity; therefore, we must embellish it:
H = "ha"^hWhere h (the perceived hilarity) now becomes:
h = ht + l
ht = The true hilarity of the statement.
l = The amount of L4M3R-ness in the person.
The L4M3R-ness of a person is unfortunately highly subjective; therefore, a baseline must be made. For obvious reasons, I chose myself to be the baseline. Setting my L4M3R-ness at 0 would make perfect sense, but, due to the deep well of popularity and exuberance that is my personality, this would create a highly bottom heavy scale for which to rate people on. My rating must therefore get a positive handicap. To poetically parallel the Celsius scale, I have chosen my L4M3R-ness to be 100 (equivalent to the "boiling point"), and the average to be 0 (equivalent to the "freezing point"). I have just recently submitted an application to the government to have all Canadian citizens personality profiled each year, and have their scientifically proven L4M3R-ness stamped on their forehead (alongside various product advertisements to fund the tests). This would make it much easier for a person to gauge the level of their humour. Even though this proposal is being rushed as hastily as possible through the rusty framework of lies, greed, and promiscuity that is our government, there may be a significant amount of time before you can accurately measure the hilarity passed off in one of your statements by reading a small number, lying next to a Wheaties advertisement, on your friends forehead. In the meantime, a mixture of careful statistical mathematics, research, and psycho-analytical probing sense must be used.
Now that all my dear readers have been introduced to this remarkable breakthrough, I hope you all can begin spreading the word. Use the h4 quotient as many situations as possible to hone your humour to a fine, steely, skin breaking point.