(no subject)
Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but from stock market analysis to meteorology to professional gambling, any job that involves predicting the future necessitates a certain bedrock foundation of confidence. That, or the ability to concoct a laughably bad Jamaican accent.
Confidence affects every aspect of our lives because it is the looking glass through which we view ourselves. People who have high levels of confidence generally earn more money because they take on more demanding careers; are more physically fit because they enjoy being competitive in the gym or on the athletic field; and have more satisfying sex lives because they often do it with another person.
The world's great religious figures all exuded confidence. Moses thought he could speak to God, Mohammed thought God spoke to him, Jesus thought he was the son of God. And Buddah? Well, he was fat and he didn't wear a shirt. Now that takes confidence.
I'm always amazed at guys who weigh like 600 pounds but feel no compunction about ripping their shirt off to fast dance at the company picnic. To me, that is supreme confidence. Either that, or an extremely calculated gesture to insure that they end up being the only ones who still have any appetite left for the potato salad. Or, make that, the "German" potato salad.
On the dating scene, a guy's confidence can be the key to his attractiveness. And real confidence means not being afraid to show your flaws, vulnerabilities, or imperfections. Before I'd even let my dates into my car, I'd flash them a confident smile and say, "Hey baby, I hope you're ready for a long night of painfully narcissistic introspection punctuated by physical unwieldiness building up to a big impotent crescendo, followed by me weeping in a locked bathroom."
Someone once told me if you're nervous about going to parties you should bring a prop. So I started bringing a chinchilla. Chinchillas are great because they tend to have sharp claws and shit everywhere. They're also a good source of exotic and occasionally incurable diseases. Well it worked like a charm. People don't even try to get me to come to their parties anymore. And Dobey, the aforementioned chinch, is interred in a Thom McCann shoebox in my sideyard. All right, what about my German sideyard?
I have to admit I'm reluctant to disrobe in a crowded locker room, but I strongly believe that the key to gaining self-confidence is by confronting your fears. So last week I went to the YMCA near my house, walked straight to the locker room, removed all my clothing, strapped a belt of large colorful peacock feathers to my ass and proceeded to strut from aisle to aisle repeatedly cooing "Check it out motherfuckers". I don't think I really gained much confidence, but the management did give me my annual membership fee back.
Truly, growing up, I suffered from a crippling lack of confidence, mainly because I was raised by wolves who made no secret of the fact that they wanted a girl.
But as an adult, I like to think of myself as confident, because I am comfortable letting things go, delegating my power to those I trust, and generally relinquishing the need to control everything in my life. And also, I think "confident" is a much nicer word than "lazy."
Experts recommend building your confidence by finding some small, fun task you're good at, and making it your hobby. In my case, it's tearing down the self-esteem of those around me in barely perceptible ways. That way, I can increase my relative self-confidence twice as fast.
The truth is, genuine confidence can't be acquired through external things like hair plugs and boob jobs. True confidence must come from the inside. Like that gastric band that keeps you from overeating.
Seriously, here's how you get confident-if you want something take it. Don't wait around for someone to hand it to you, or Jimmy-Stewart around like you don't deserve it. You want that last mint milano? Take it and fuck everybody else. How about that corner office? Demand it, even if it means picking up your boss by his scrawny little pencilneck and shaking him until his dentures fall out. Got a hankering for that new beautiful black Mercedes? Then buy one-you've earned it. And if you can't afford it, steal one. Then, when you get thrown in the pokey, don't passively accept a position as the bitch of some fifth-tier toad punk just because he's your cellmate and you're the new fish. Put on the ugly, fashion a makeshift shank out of a mess hall spoon and start taking out your rivals until you're catching pink bone from the top dog in the Yard. After all, you're worth it, aren't you?
The bottom line is this: like it or not, we live in a universe that rewards power, and power flows from confidence. The winners of history are those who sound their barbaric yawps over the rooftops of the world, while the losers are the ones who cannot express themselves without apology. And the one sure way to make your life a series of defeats, miseries, and firings, is to constantly back away from even your most passionately held beliefs.......
Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.
Confidence affects every aspect of our lives because it is the looking glass through which we view ourselves. People who have high levels of confidence generally earn more money because they take on more demanding careers; are more physically fit because they enjoy being competitive in the gym or on the athletic field; and have more satisfying sex lives because they often do it with another person.
The world's great religious figures all exuded confidence. Moses thought he could speak to God, Mohammed thought God spoke to him, Jesus thought he was the son of God. And Buddah? Well, he was fat and he didn't wear a shirt. Now that takes confidence.
I'm always amazed at guys who weigh like 600 pounds but feel no compunction about ripping their shirt off to fast dance at the company picnic. To me, that is supreme confidence. Either that, or an extremely calculated gesture to insure that they end up being the only ones who still have any appetite left for the potato salad. Or, make that, the "German" potato salad.
On the dating scene, a guy's confidence can be the key to his attractiveness. And real confidence means not being afraid to show your flaws, vulnerabilities, or imperfections. Before I'd even let my dates into my car, I'd flash them a confident smile and say, "Hey baby, I hope you're ready for a long night of painfully narcissistic introspection punctuated by physical unwieldiness building up to a big impotent crescendo, followed by me weeping in a locked bathroom."
Someone once told me if you're nervous about going to parties you should bring a prop. So I started bringing a chinchilla. Chinchillas are great because they tend to have sharp claws and shit everywhere. They're also a good source of exotic and occasionally incurable diseases. Well it worked like a charm. People don't even try to get me to come to their parties anymore. And Dobey, the aforementioned chinch, is interred in a Thom McCann shoebox in my sideyard. All right, what about my German sideyard?
I have to admit I'm reluctant to disrobe in a crowded locker room, but I strongly believe that the key to gaining self-confidence is by confronting your fears. So last week I went to the YMCA near my house, walked straight to the locker room, removed all my clothing, strapped a belt of large colorful peacock feathers to my ass and proceeded to strut from aisle to aisle repeatedly cooing "Check it out motherfuckers". I don't think I really gained much confidence, but the management did give me my annual membership fee back.
Truly, growing up, I suffered from a crippling lack of confidence, mainly because I was raised by wolves who made no secret of the fact that they wanted a girl.
But as an adult, I like to think of myself as confident, because I am comfortable letting things go, delegating my power to those I trust, and generally relinquishing the need to control everything in my life. And also, I think "confident" is a much nicer word than "lazy."
Experts recommend building your confidence by finding some small, fun task you're good at, and making it your hobby. In my case, it's tearing down the self-esteem of those around me in barely perceptible ways. That way, I can increase my relative self-confidence twice as fast.
The truth is, genuine confidence can't be acquired through external things like hair plugs and boob jobs. True confidence must come from the inside. Like that gastric band that keeps you from overeating.
Seriously, here's how you get confident-if you want something take it. Don't wait around for someone to hand it to you, or Jimmy-Stewart around like you don't deserve it. You want that last mint milano? Take it and fuck everybody else. How about that corner office? Demand it, even if it means picking up your boss by his scrawny little pencilneck and shaking him until his dentures fall out. Got a hankering for that new beautiful black Mercedes? Then buy one-you've earned it. And if you can't afford it, steal one. Then, when you get thrown in the pokey, don't passively accept a position as the bitch of some fifth-tier toad punk just because he's your cellmate and you're the new fish. Put on the ugly, fashion a makeshift shank out of a mess hall spoon and start taking out your rivals until you're catching pink bone from the top dog in the Yard. After all, you're worth it, aren't you?
The bottom line is this: like it or not, we live in a universe that rewards power, and power flows from confidence. The winners of history are those who sound their barbaric yawps over the rooftops of the world, while the losers are the ones who cannot express themselves without apology. And the one sure way to make your life a series of defeats, miseries, and firings, is to constantly back away from even your most passionately held beliefs.......
Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.