Uncomfortable
Bored and uncomfortably full. Any trace of interesting work is long gone by now. I'm left sitting here with my thoughts all day. It's uncomfortable.
Things aren't the same as before. Miriam and I are still pretty close, though she is in an unfulfilling relationship right now. Preety and I not so much. Drifted apart I suppose. Jenn and I not friends any longer for reasons unknown to me. My housemates are getting preachy about my views on relationships and increasingly destructive behaviour. In fact, I'm getting restless with myself. Maybe I should stop being friends with me too?
Actually, I guess I should count the additions. Dan and I have become (dare i say it?) friends. That's really nice. And yes I did eat my doughnut for breakfast this morning. It was good.
I had lunch with my mom today and she asked me why I don't open up to her. After half an hour I still couldn't answer. What am I supposed to be talking about? The thoughts that are running through my mind? Somehow I don't think she would like to hear about sex, drugs, or the people who no longer want to be friends with me. Am I supposed to pretend to be revealing all to her while secretly censoring my words? I finally told her that I just got used to dealing with things on my own in high school and it's a habit now. She got that sad, "I wasn't there for you because I was too busy" look on her face.
If anyone out there is still wondering why I don't like relationships (and haven't connected the psychological dots) lets see...my parents picked relationships over me, friends pick relationships over me, and I have yet to meet a single person in this world that seems good enough to pick over my worst enemy. I guess I don't share that sociological fear of being alone. Wish I did though - then I could screw over family and friends to be blissfully happy.
For now I will continue the destructive yet satisfying behaviour that serves only one purpose.
Things aren't the same as before. Miriam and I are still pretty close, though she is in an unfulfilling relationship right now. Preety and I not so much. Drifted apart I suppose. Jenn and I not friends any longer for reasons unknown to me. My housemates are getting preachy about my views on relationships and increasingly destructive behaviour. In fact, I'm getting restless with myself. Maybe I should stop being friends with me too?
Actually, I guess I should count the additions. Dan and I have become (dare i say it?) friends. That's really nice. And yes I did eat my doughnut for breakfast this morning. It was good.
I had lunch with my mom today and she asked me why I don't open up to her. After half an hour I still couldn't answer. What am I supposed to be talking about? The thoughts that are running through my mind? Somehow I don't think she would like to hear about sex, drugs, or the people who no longer want to be friends with me. Am I supposed to pretend to be revealing all to her while secretly censoring my words? I finally told her that I just got used to dealing with things on my own in high school and it's a habit now. She got that sad, "I wasn't there for you because I was too busy" look on her face.
If anyone out there is still wondering why I don't like relationships (and haven't connected the psychological dots) lets see...my parents picked relationships over me, friends pick relationships over me, and I have yet to meet a single person in this world that seems good enough to pick over my worst enemy. I guess I don't share that sociological fear of being alone. Wish I did though - then I could screw over family and friends to be blissfully happy.
For now I will continue the destructive yet satisfying behaviour that serves only one purpose.