The moodiness of Stacey...
I can't quite figure out how I'm feeling. I'm not depressed, or angry, or particularly happy either. I'm just... bleh, I suppose. My day went fine. Woke up early, classes, home, new shoes, friends, phone call, family, computer time. I guess I'm just in that stage of life where I have things that make me sad, things that scare me, and things that make me happy, all at the same time.
I talked to Katy tonight. It was, in fact, the longest conversation that we've had in a long time (That's she's been sober for, anyway...). We talked about the fact that we never talk anymore, then I got all passive aggresive about that, because I simply don't have the energy to get actively aggresive and really don't want to start a fight. I don't want to start a fight because I'm really not mad. I'm just confused and meloncholy. I'm meloncholy because I miss Katy and everything we used to share. I'm confused because I can't quite figure out which one I miss more, the person or the idea of the person. When we talk, we still get along, but it's changed. While we used to make sure to talk every day at least once, it's become more of a "Hi, Katy. What are you doing?" read: "Hi, Katy. What is your excuse this time for telling me that you have to go, you'll call me back?" Not that it's anything malicious on her part (Meaning, I don't think she does it on purpose; she's a very busy person), it's just disconcerting that every conversation can be timed by greeting ("Hi, Katy"; "Hi, Schnookums"), question ("What are you doing"), answer ("Oh, I'm >insert random activity with random person here<. Can I call you back--"), interuption ("Bye, Katy-dear."), and goodbye ("I'll call you back soon!!!"; "Yeah, uh-huh, bye, hun."). I don't think we're best friends anymore. In fact, I know it. Katy an I are now firmly under the catagory of "Friend I like to talk to, who can cheer me up, and who I feel comfortable with, but if I don't see/hear from/get a full ten minutes of phone time with, I'm not too upset." Just slightly annoyed at times. The last couple of weeks, when I've really needed someone to talk to, to tell me it's okay, I'm not a complete failure, do you remember the time when...? Those weren't wonderful. I called her the first few times that particular quirk of my personality made itself known. She didn't pick up. Not once. The most recent time, I threw my cell phone. It ricocheted off the wall and landed on the counter. The battery fell out and I yelled at it. I haven't called her for a "I really need you now" conversation again. Sadly, I don't think I will. I have been left behind, no matter how many times she denies it. And, surprisingly, I'm not mad. I'll miss the friendship that we shared, but I've accepted it and I'm not panicking like I would have a few years ago. Maybe I'm moving on too. That's a nice thought.
Speaking of confusing emotions, school scares me. And makes me feel fulfilled. And scares me. Do you see why I'm confused? It's actually kept me awake at night. I get so scared that I'll fail, that I won't pass any of my classes and be stuck with no college education, no good job, and no full approval from my family. It's an irrational fear, since I really haven't done so awful in school, but it's still one that terrifies me. I guess I've moved on from childish phobias, like spiders, to big people fears, like failure. (Not that I'm a fan of spiders now. They still royally creep me out.) But, at the same time, when my fear is reassured back into its hole by a better than average grade, the feeling I get (From a good test grade or paper) is better than the fear was. So, while my anxiety might be working its little way into giving me an ulcer, I almost want to keep the little devil, just to guarantee that I'll feel that fulfilment victory gives me again. Confusing? Try living it.
In the end, I guess the saying "After all has been said and done a lot more will have been said than done" applies to my life at the moment. A lot is going on, but there's really nothing I can do to stop any of it. Hell, I can't even slow it down. So I guess it's time to go with the flow. Big plans to hang in Minneapolis tomorrow. Maybe I'll straighten my hair. Yup, I'm goin' with it.
I talked to Katy tonight. It was, in fact, the longest conversation that we've had in a long time (That's she's been sober for, anyway...). We talked about the fact that we never talk anymore, then I got all passive aggresive about that, because I simply don't have the energy to get actively aggresive and really don't want to start a fight. I don't want to start a fight because I'm really not mad. I'm just confused and meloncholy. I'm meloncholy because I miss Katy and everything we used to share. I'm confused because I can't quite figure out which one I miss more, the person or the idea of the person. When we talk, we still get along, but it's changed. While we used to make sure to talk every day at least once, it's become more of a "Hi, Katy. What are you doing?" read: "Hi, Katy. What is your excuse this time for telling me that you have to go, you'll call me back?" Not that it's anything malicious on her part (Meaning, I don't think she does it on purpose; she's a very busy person), it's just disconcerting that every conversation can be timed by greeting ("Hi, Katy"; "Hi, Schnookums"), question ("What are you doing"), answer ("Oh, I'm >insert random activity with random person here<. Can I call you back--"), interuption ("Bye, Katy-dear."), and goodbye ("I'll call you back soon!!!"; "Yeah, uh-huh, bye, hun."). I don't think we're best friends anymore. In fact, I know it. Katy an I are now firmly under the catagory of "Friend I like to talk to, who can cheer me up, and who I feel comfortable with, but if I don't see/hear from/get a full ten minutes of phone time with, I'm not too upset." Just slightly annoyed at times. The last couple of weeks, when I've really needed someone to talk to, to tell me it's okay, I'm not a complete failure, do you remember the time when...? Those weren't wonderful. I called her the first few times that particular quirk of my personality made itself known. She didn't pick up. Not once. The most recent time, I threw my cell phone. It ricocheted off the wall and landed on the counter. The battery fell out and I yelled at it. I haven't called her for a "I really need you now" conversation again. Sadly, I don't think I will. I have been left behind, no matter how many times she denies it. And, surprisingly, I'm not mad. I'll miss the friendship that we shared, but I've accepted it and I'm not panicking like I would have a few years ago. Maybe I'm moving on too. That's a nice thought.
Speaking of confusing emotions, school scares me. And makes me feel fulfilled. And scares me. Do you see why I'm confused? It's actually kept me awake at night. I get so scared that I'll fail, that I won't pass any of my classes and be stuck with no college education, no good job, and no full approval from my family. It's an irrational fear, since I really haven't done so awful in school, but it's still one that terrifies me. I guess I've moved on from childish phobias, like spiders, to big people fears, like failure. (Not that I'm a fan of spiders now. They still royally creep me out.) But, at the same time, when my fear is reassured back into its hole by a better than average grade, the feeling I get (From a good test grade or paper) is better than the fear was. So, while my anxiety might be working its little way into giving me an ulcer, I almost want to keep the little devil, just to guarantee that I'll feel that fulfilment victory gives me again. Confusing? Try living it.
In the end, I guess the saying "After all has been said and done a lot more will have been said than done" applies to my life at the moment. A lot is going on, but there's really nothing I can do to stop any of it. Hell, I can't even slow it down. So I guess it's time to go with the flow. Big plans to hang in Minneapolis tomorrow. Maybe I'll straighten my hair. Yup, I'm goin' with it.