(no subject)
I'm incredibly busy all the time and nearly always surrounded by people, yet I'm still horrifically lonely and disengaged in my life. I work at life and it happens, I don't hate it as such, but I certainly don't enjoy it, in fact, it's almost as though I'm not there. I'm not really here living it, I'm arranging a life for somebody else and just watching from the outside. In the past there have always been a couple of people I connect with for real, but now there is nobody. There is nobody I go to for a hug, nobody who gets inside my head and nobody I text immediately to share news with. I suppose at the moment all I'm engaging in is books and music, they're constants I feel.
It's been just over a year since Ieft Manchester and still I miss my friends and the way of life there. I know even if I stayed it wouldn't have been the same, so many people left, but to some extent I could have maintained my independence and my own life choices. Just living there enabled me to fit more into my day, to escape to countryside, to be more spontainious and to walk everywhere (which gave me opportunity to think). I feel kind of forgotten by the people I was close to there, with the exception of perhaps Andrew and Ben, who make some kind of effort to stay in touch. 4 years of close friendships out the window due to laziness, or perhaps a lack of value in the first place. I try very hard to touch base with people, but I can't do it all on my own. I though we had friendships that could survive the distance and the change, but I was wrong. I suppose others have moved on, whilst I still cling. I don't really value friendships anymore, people just come and go. I find myself being more and more cold and distant with people and caring less and less about interacting with them. Interactions all feel so fake and meaningless. I'm an outsider.
I feel like an island, surrounded by water and connected to nothing. People come to visit, but few stay long. Their footprints leave marks on my shore, which get filled in, but the sand that fills them in is never the same, it never quite returns to the way it was before.