Riding update, JT, and the big long sex discussion
Well today has been useless.. I came home from the stables early to work on my painting and promptly fell asleep, as I always do Sunday.. meh. Anyway, I'll work on it later, at least I fell asleep in time I would usually be at the yard, as opposed to now, so I did buy myself some more time, even allowing for sleep. I'll get some coffee down me or something.. Today was alrighty, again had trouble getting up, and we were somewhat behind with the work this morning, we were still tacking up when people were going to fetch their horses out for the first hack, still, no harm done. I taught James' two lessons in the nine'o'clock slot, which was somewhat annoying, its not that I mind the teaching particuarly, I mean, its not my first choice but I don't know, he just annoys me. Its amazing (well, by that I mean its not at all) how pleasant he suddenly becomes when he wants something off me. Yesterday was brilliant, well the two hour was, John was in this brilliantly almost childish mood. First good thing was the fact that for the first time in ages we went towards Crawly as opposed to round the observatory. John had dropped to the back of the ride, so Caroline led one canter, with me just behind her on Gerry, and she was just all over the place, Ben shied at practically everything, it was quite funny in the end. When John didn't seem to be coming back to take his rightful place, I offered to lead the next one, which went okay, Gerry of course is not the best lead horse and I was a bit worried I wouldn't be able to get a good enough pace up but we was pretty good:) There was a scuffling sort of noise and Caroline called me, I thought for a moment someone might have fallen but it was just John crashing his way to the front again on a barely contolled Kipling and a bloody scratch across his cheek from a branch somewhere. He rode back into the front and gave me a pleasant 'good girl' for taking the lead, I guess 'good girl' sounds patronising and I should probably have some feminist problem with it, but hey I love it. Anyway, after that he set strait off at a canter up the thin slightly downhill path that usually completes the crawly ring as opposed to beginning it. When we reached the end, he went right on, and for a moment I'm thinking 'hey, where we off to? I wanted to round Crawly woods with the cool canters!' but I needn't have worried because John hit the stubble field as was just off, we galloped at full stretch all the way up the field, and I was amazed at Gerry. I've never been that fast on him, I didn't know he had it in him, he matched Ben easy enough even pushed his nose out in front for a while, and while Ben's not the fastest thing, and we had no hope of catching Kipling, it was still bloody fast! The wierd thing was, Gerry, who's usually quite uncomfortable, when he hit gallop, seemed to stretch out and level off and became this wonderful comfy ride, I wish I could get that out of him on the downs. We stopped for a rest after, and everyone was just kinda elated, before he set off again for a couple more gorgeous faster canters round parts I've never been to, and I figured John didn't either, by the fact he admitted he didn't know where he was going. We ended up back on the Crawly road, we hadn't gone far, but it was still brilliant. On the way home we passed this metal bar to stop lorries passing through, and John decided to hold onto it as he went through and pull himself off his horse, he thought it was pretty funny and said he's always wanted to do that, it was fun to see him in this silly sort of mood. Probably had something to do with Caroline having been waiting for him when he came home from Skiing the night before, turns out her trip to London had not been overnight stay at all, but an excuse, heh. Meh, well that's the riding account over, now on the random theorising, heh heh.. well, I had some theorising planned, not sure I can be arsed now, I've been typing for ages. John Taylor is still behaving strangely, well, to me its strange. Its not that he's started doing anything different from last time I mentioned it, but simply that he's continued to be so 'okay', and more than okay, if was just 'okay' it'd be fine but he's positive and friendly and has just somehow clicked almost how we were before, which is wonderful, but strange.. Sometimes I wonder if there's something in that, not that he wanted to get back together, but just.. maybe he misses me or something? I'm inclined to think not, but he seems keen to spend time around me sometimes. Like yesterday when he left after the two hour and came to find me to tell me he was off and say goodbye, which is fair enough I guess, but not considering all things, I would expect him to just leave, no matter how friendly he is when he *has* to be around me. We chatted some of the two hour when I wasn't with Caroline, and today on the ride he spent most of the time with me, and waited outside Geoff's wierd ring with me, whereas the last time we were out together on a Geoff ride he spicifically avoided doing that. He came with me to fetch Josh and Jade in and walked all the way up the hill with me to keep me company, which he needn't have done, things like that, I don't know. It piqued my interest certainly. I still don't understand how he can go from one to the other so quickly and cleanly.
Of course, I would never go back to him, and I'm now ridged into one of my sexually discontent moods and spend large chunks of time trying to figure myself out as concerns that whole area. Sex, to me, is something that's nearly always done to me, not with me. My memories of sexual encounters are rarely favourable and usually turn on discomfort, pain and awkwardness, which perhaps for some part explains why I'm not so keen on it. Its never really been hugely fun for me, the closest anyone came to making it any good for me was Paul (which is fortunate, as he's the only one of those who've tried who reads this, heh), but even then, most of the 'fun' was pleasure found in satisfying him, which is a nice pleasure, but not quite the full ideal. I suppose I let the 'to me' part of it happen, I shouldn't let it carry on when I feel that way, but its difficult, when you're trying to forge some kind of relationship with someone, its very hard to turn around and say to them, by the way, I can't bear this, I only put up with it for you, and I don't want to do this. Its sort of a given, hey everyone enjoys sex, and I feel somewhat leperous admitting to people that a lot of the time I hate it, especially when you're trying to go out with that person at the time. I tried to explain it to JT to no great avail, and you know, sometimes its fine, fine though, as in I tolerate it and perhaps enjoy the vague sense of power in it, but I don't get any actual 'sexual' pleasure out of it myself. Its played a part, usually a large one, in the break down of every sexual relationship I've had, and I end up getting angry at why I can't enjoy it like everyone else. Every time someone makes a joke about sex in that hey of course its the best thing in the world, everyone wants it and loves it sense, I laugh along and play the 'hey of course I'm a normal normal person who wants it and loves it' part and have this bitter feeling about it. It wouldn't do to say 'nope, whole thing's a waste of time', maybe its in my head, but it strikes me someone saying 'I dont enjoy sex' must be a huge turn-off. I guess that's why its hard to explain to men, I don't want to explain becuase I don't want to portray myself as the frigid girl, who wants to be with the one who outwardly claims she dislikes the experience. Men want women who huff and scream and make them think they're the best lovers ever, not ones who go through it with the vague sense of resistance and contempt like I usually do. My most likely answer is the obvious that I've simply not found the right person yet, and when I do, then I'll want to shag 'em all the time, and that perhaps the sexual problems only broke down relationships that should have ended anyway. But its hard to know which comes first, the sexual fuckup or the sense of the 'wrongness' of the realtionship and which causes which, and from one point of view its easy to feel very angry and blame the sexual uselessness for the break downs, which of course gets me very frustrated with my inability to enjoy it. Its very easy to say 'oh you've not found the right one' but it doesn't really help the way I feel now and every time this happens I feel less and less inclined to have anything to do with men as it always results in this agravating mess, and you can bet you're bloody money the minute I do find any 'right one' they'll be the one to screw me over. I think about men and stuffs, and have my friskyness and desires, but for the most part I think they're not really 'sexual', when JT asked me what my sexual fantacies were I first said I wouldn't tell, as I was unwilling to reveal I simply didn't have any, and imply frigid reality, but I just *dont*. I don't fantasise about sex, it seems hard to fantasise about something that's never given you much pleasure. I think, when I feel something for men, that kinda desire, its not a hey wow, I want your penis, its just, something else. The hey wow penis just inevitably follows becuase well that's what you do when you 'fancy' someone and want to be with them. I can't really explain the man-stuffs I do think of, but they're softer, mostly about affection. Its not that I don't have sexual urges and shit, I'm sure good sex is everything its cracked up to be, and I can get aroused and such, but that's what makes it so frustrating, its like, I know good sex is out there, I just can't find it or work out how to create it. I wait for the day when myself or someone finally works it out and I go 'ah THIS is what all the fuss is about', and I guess when I go into relationshippy type things, I figure maybe this'll be that time, but it just hasn't been, so far, and with each man I feel more convinced its some problem I have. Although, I don't think I've quite gotten through enough men for that to be certain yet. I'm sure I exagerate of course, its not like man after man millionth this happens, but of the four sexual encountered people (although three of which I've actually had sex with, I count Jim in the four, because, well I do, but never actually slept with him), I've not found that comfort with sex that seems to be natural to most. And again, I want to excuse Paul from most of this, becuase a lot of this talk is based on JT, and he certainly made the best effort (fuck more than can be said for JT..) towards trying to break me into this whole thing in a good way. I guess the answer is don't have sex until I'm sure about it, as opposed to going along with it and thinking, well, lets see. Perhaos for me, sex *is* that whole gotta be totally in love with them to get anything out it, but then, I'm sure most people can have good sex without that, so again I feel annoyed. Anyway, my bloody father keeps shoving his head round and saying 'still on the computer?' which is not helping me write this, so I'll give in for now.
Of course, I would never go back to him, and I'm now ridged into one of my sexually discontent moods and spend large chunks of time trying to figure myself out as concerns that whole area. Sex, to me, is something that's nearly always done to me, not with me. My memories of sexual encounters are rarely favourable and usually turn on discomfort, pain and awkwardness, which perhaps for some part explains why I'm not so keen on it. Its never really been hugely fun for me, the closest anyone came to making it any good for me was Paul (which is fortunate, as he's the only one of those who've tried who reads this, heh), but even then, most of the 'fun' was pleasure found in satisfying him, which is a nice pleasure, but not quite the full ideal. I suppose I let the 'to me' part of it happen, I shouldn't let it carry on when I feel that way, but its difficult, when you're trying to forge some kind of relationship with someone, its very hard to turn around and say to them, by the way, I can't bear this, I only put up with it for you, and I don't want to do this. Its sort of a given, hey everyone enjoys sex, and I feel somewhat leperous admitting to people that a lot of the time I hate it, especially when you're trying to go out with that person at the time. I tried to explain it to JT to no great avail, and you know, sometimes its fine, fine though, as in I tolerate it and perhaps enjoy the vague sense of power in it, but I don't get any actual 'sexual' pleasure out of it myself. Its played a part, usually a large one, in the break down of every sexual relationship I've had, and I end up getting angry at why I can't enjoy it like everyone else. Every time someone makes a joke about sex in that hey of course its the best thing in the world, everyone wants it and loves it sense, I laugh along and play the 'hey of course I'm a normal normal person who wants it and loves it' part and have this bitter feeling about it. It wouldn't do to say 'nope, whole thing's a waste of time', maybe its in my head, but it strikes me someone saying 'I dont enjoy sex' must be a huge turn-off. I guess that's why its hard to explain to men, I don't want to explain becuase I don't want to portray myself as the frigid girl, who wants to be with the one who outwardly claims she dislikes the experience. Men want women who huff and scream and make them think they're the best lovers ever, not ones who go through it with the vague sense of resistance and contempt like I usually do. My most likely answer is the obvious that I've simply not found the right person yet, and when I do, then I'll want to shag 'em all the time, and that perhaps the sexual problems only broke down relationships that should have ended anyway. But its hard to know which comes first, the sexual fuckup or the sense of the 'wrongness' of the realtionship and which causes which, and from one point of view its easy to feel very angry and blame the sexual uselessness for the break downs, which of course gets me very frustrated with my inability to enjoy it. Its very easy to say 'oh you've not found the right one' but it doesn't really help the way I feel now and every time this happens I feel less and less inclined to have anything to do with men as it always results in this agravating mess, and you can bet you're bloody money the minute I do find any 'right one' they'll be the one to screw me over. I think about men and stuffs, and have my friskyness and desires, but for the most part I think they're not really 'sexual', when JT asked me what my sexual fantacies were I first said I wouldn't tell, as I was unwilling to reveal I simply didn't have any, and imply frigid reality, but I just *dont*. I don't fantasise about sex, it seems hard to fantasise about something that's never given you much pleasure. I think, when I feel something for men, that kinda desire, its not a hey wow, I want your penis, its just, something else. The hey wow penis just inevitably follows becuase well that's what you do when you 'fancy' someone and want to be with them. I can't really explain the man-stuffs I do think of, but they're softer, mostly about affection. Its not that I don't have sexual urges and shit, I'm sure good sex is everything its cracked up to be, and I can get aroused and such, but that's what makes it so frustrating, its like, I know good sex is out there, I just can't find it or work out how to create it. I wait for the day when myself or someone finally works it out and I go 'ah THIS is what all the fuss is about', and I guess when I go into relationshippy type things, I figure maybe this'll be that time, but it just hasn't been, so far, and with each man I feel more convinced its some problem I have. Although, I don't think I've quite gotten through enough men for that to be certain yet. I'm sure I exagerate of course, its not like man after man millionth this happens, but of the four sexual encountered people (although three of which I've actually had sex with, I count Jim in the four, because, well I do, but never actually slept with him), I've not found that comfort with sex that seems to be natural to most. And again, I want to excuse Paul from most of this, becuase a lot of this talk is based on JT, and he certainly made the best effort (fuck more than can be said for JT..) towards trying to break me into this whole thing in a good way. I guess the answer is don't have sex until I'm sure about it, as opposed to going along with it and thinking, well, lets see. Perhaos for me, sex *is* that whole gotta be totally in love with them to get anything out it, but then, I'm sure most people can have good sex without that, so again I feel annoyed. Anyway, my bloody father keeps shoving his head round and saying 'still on the computer?' which is not helping me write this, so I'll give in for now.