A Cry in the Dark. Chapter 7
Title: A Cry in the Dark
Author: sparxxa
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Chapter: 7/8
Rating: PG/12 ish
Warnings: Slash (implied anyway)
Spoilers: To be safe lets say seasons 1-4
Set: Season Three a few weeks after "Phantoms"
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Author Note: Nearly the end. Chapter 8 (the epilogue) will be up this Saturday.
Previous Chapters: http://sparxxa.livejournal.com/42943.html
It had been nearly a week since everything regarding Sergeant Jamie Markham’s return to Atlantis had happened. Everyone now knew about it; those who had been part of the original expedition received the news with happiness while those who had joined the expedition after the Siege reacted with curiosity, exchanging theories, some of which were quite frankly bizarre, even for them.
Everyone was glad though that for once someone had been returned to them after all of the terrible losses they had suffered since their arrival in the Pegasus Galaxy.
Out of everyone in Atlantis though, Sergeant Adam Stackhouse had the most reason to be happy; except he wasn’t. The confrontation he’d had with Jamie and then the explanation from Jamie about what had happened to him in those two years he was missing kept repeating over and over in his mind. He hadn’t been prepared for Jamie to be so hurt and angry over what had happened but after hearing what he’d had to go through he couldn’t really blame him for reacting that way. He’d survived through so much only to discover the one thing he’d clung on to hadn’t even been an option in reality. No-one had been looking; no-one had even believed him to be alive. Jamie had been right; if he hadn’t sent them that distress call they wouldn’t have found him.
The guilt he felt and the hurt from realising that Jamie hated him, quite justifiably, led him to avoid all possibilities of contact with the other marine.
Jamie had been released from the infirmary two days earlier and was currently staying in one of the spare quarters they had that was usually used by the occasional visiting scientist from Earth.
He’d done his best to keep away but eventually Crosby’s meaningful looks and Kagan’s incredibly blunt hints, combined with his own need to clear the air with the man he’d cared about so deeply for so long, led him to the door of Jamie’s temporary quarters.
Anything he might have been planning on saying though promptly disappeared the moment the door slid open to reveal Jamie staring back at him looking relatively surprised to see him of all people there.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” He managed to get out in reply, his brain struggling to come up with anything better than that.
Seeing as this wasn’t the most auspicious start to an actual conversation Jamie just nodded before turning and walking back into his room. Adam followed him in knowing that it was, and always had been, Jamie’s way of asking someone ‘do you want to come in?’ He waited for the door to close behind him before attempting to talk again.
“Jamie I…”
“I’m sorry.” Jamie blurted out suddenly cutting off whatever it was that Adam had been about to say.
Adam was startled, “What?”
Jamie gave a small shrug looking at him a little helplessly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten pissed off and snapped like that.”
“Jay…” Adam began again before being cut off yet again by an insistent Jamie.
“No, no listen to me Adam. I was hurt and scared and angry and you were there and I had to take it out on someone but…but I was wrong. I would have thought I was dead too from what I’ve read about what happened and…”
Knowing that Jamie could babble on forever if he got a chance, Adam decided it was his turn to do the interrupting and did so with a loud sigh of exasperation.
“For gods sake Jamie shut up and let me apologise!”
Ignoring the slightly wounded look on Jamie’s face he continued:
“You were right to be angry.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Yes you were.” Adam replied with a growl of frustration. “You were right; what you said in the infirmary. We wouldn’t have found you if you hadn’t sent that message. We weren’t looking and I’m sorry. But if there had been any reason to think you were alive then…”
“I know.” Jamie replied quietly sitting down on the end of the bed “At least I understand now why Chuck gave you the letter.”
From the very first days of the expedition, following the deaths of Colonel Sumner and others at the hands of the Wraith, people had started writing letters to be delivered in the event of their deaths. The threat felt so much realer, what with being disconnected from Earth and the all too real presence of the reawakened Wraith, that a large number of both the military and civilian populations wanted there to be at least some sort of chance to say goodbye, in case they died before they had the chance to say it properly themselves. The letters were always addressed to someone else on the expedition, even if the content wasn’t meant specifically for them; messages to be passed on to their families and loved ones back on Earth in case they ever re-established contact with the SGC. Another constant was that, after being written, the letters were always given to Chuck for safekeeping. He wasn’t the Chief Gate technician back then but he still seemed to know who everyone was and everyone trusted him to keep the unspoken promise that he would make sure their letter reached its destination following their deaths.
“Why did you write just ‘Bye.’?” Adam asked voicing the question he’d wanted to ask ever since Chuck had handed him the letter only two hours after they had believed Jamie had died.
“It seemed like the most important thing to say.” Jamie replied “I hoped you just knew the rest.”
Adam nodded. Even though he had known or at least had a feeling that he’d known everything else that Jamie had meant and left unsaid the letter hadn’t given him the closure that the whole premise of the letters was supposed to provide. Two years had passed and the closest he’d come to actual closure was when he told Colonel Sheppard that Jamie was dead, just a few hours before that fact was proved to be false.
As a slightly awkward silence began to descend on them Adam decided to change the subject.
“You’ve read about what happened?”
“Yeah…I’ve been catching up on everything that’s happened since I…” he trailed off but they both knew what he meant. “Doctor Weir wanted to know if I saw anyone else from Atlantis where I was, but I hadn’t.” he paused again “There’ve been a lot of losses haven’t there.”
“Yeah.” Adam replied heavily. No matter how long you have to get used to these things you never truly ‘get used’ to seeing people you know and see on a daily basis dying; even if you know it’s just another part of being involved in something so dangerous.
“Everything’s changed.” Jamie said quietly “I barely recognise the place…I barely recognise anyone here. Everyone I knew seems to be gone…Bates…Ford…Tone…is anything the same?”
“Well…” began Adam sitting down on the bed near Jamie “…at any given time you can still hear Doctors McKay and Zelenka arguing…Crosby still writes really awful poetry…Kages is still getting outsmarted by the doors to his quarters...”
“Still?” Jamie asked incredulously.
“Still.” Adam confirmed with a smirk. “Barton can still cause trouble without being near anyone or anything, and I…I’m still here.”
“Still the same?”
“More or less.”
The silence returned but this time it was Jamie that broke it.
“I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like when I finally got back here but I guess I just didn’t think things through properly. I thought it would be easier, I thought it wouldn’t hurt so much…I didn’t think I’d get here to find out that we could now contact Earth only to find out that I can never go home.”
Adam didn’t know what to say. Jamie was right; he couldn’t go home again to his family. They’d been informed of his death; they’d grieved, had a memorial service for him, and had spent two years believing he was dead; just as they had. It was alright for them though, they experienced strange things on a daily basis, even coming back from the dead wasn’t really such a big thing following Doctor Daniel Jackson’s numerous supposed deaths, but Jamie’s family wouldn’t be prepared for such things; how could they turn around two years later and say ‘we were wrong he’s alive’, without causing more problems and heartache than they would remedy.
He realised there really was nothing he could say to make things better so he settled for just resting his hand on Jamie’s shoulder.
Jamie sighed. “I really missed you.”
“I missed you too.” He replied quietly.
The silence returned yet again but neither chose to break it; they didn’t need to. This wasn’t the time for deep and meaningful conversations about the future or even if there was a future for them in the way that there was a past.
There was no need for confessions of feelings, further apologies or regrets. Jamie had literally been through hell and Adam had been through so much too; they didn’t need to hash over anything else, explain their motives, hopes or fears. All Jamie needed was to know that he was not alone and all Adam needed was to know that Jamie was safe and alive.
They just remained the way they were, silently supporting each other through their mere presences. There would be a time for deeper conversations, but not that day.
Author: sparxxa
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Chapter: 7/8
Rating: PG/12 ish
Warnings: Slash (implied anyway)
Spoilers: To be safe lets say seasons 1-4
Set: Season Three a few weeks after "Phantoms"
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
Author Note: Nearly the end. Chapter 8 (the epilogue) will be up this Saturday.
Previous Chapters: http://sparxxa.livejournal.com/42943.html
It had been nearly a week since everything regarding Sergeant Jamie Markham’s return to Atlantis had happened. Everyone now knew about it; those who had been part of the original expedition received the news with happiness while those who had joined the expedition after the Siege reacted with curiosity, exchanging theories, some of which were quite frankly bizarre, even for them.
Everyone was glad though that for once someone had been returned to them after all of the terrible losses they had suffered since their arrival in the Pegasus Galaxy.
Out of everyone in Atlantis though, Sergeant Adam Stackhouse had the most reason to be happy; except he wasn’t. The confrontation he’d had with Jamie and then the explanation from Jamie about what had happened to him in those two years he was missing kept repeating over and over in his mind. He hadn’t been prepared for Jamie to be so hurt and angry over what had happened but after hearing what he’d had to go through he couldn’t really blame him for reacting that way. He’d survived through so much only to discover the one thing he’d clung on to hadn’t even been an option in reality. No-one had been looking; no-one had even believed him to be alive. Jamie had been right; if he hadn’t sent them that distress call they wouldn’t have found him.
The guilt he felt and the hurt from realising that Jamie hated him, quite justifiably, led him to avoid all possibilities of contact with the other marine.
Jamie had been released from the infirmary two days earlier and was currently staying in one of the spare quarters they had that was usually used by the occasional visiting scientist from Earth.
He’d done his best to keep away but eventually Crosby’s meaningful looks and Kagan’s incredibly blunt hints, combined with his own need to clear the air with the man he’d cared about so deeply for so long, led him to the door of Jamie’s temporary quarters.
Anything he might have been planning on saying though promptly disappeared the moment the door slid open to reveal Jamie staring back at him looking relatively surprised to see him of all people there.
“Hey.”
“Hi.” He managed to get out in reply, his brain struggling to come up with anything better than that.
Seeing as this wasn’t the most auspicious start to an actual conversation Jamie just nodded before turning and walking back into his room. Adam followed him in knowing that it was, and always had been, Jamie’s way of asking someone ‘do you want to come in?’ He waited for the door to close behind him before attempting to talk again.
“Jamie I…”
“I’m sorry.” Jamie blurted out suddenly cutting off whatever it was that Adam had been about to say.
Adam was startled, “What?”
Jamie gave a small shrug looking at him a little helplessly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten pissed off and snapped like that.”
“Jay…” Adam began again before being cut off yet again by an insistent Jamie.
“No, no listen to me Adam. I was hurt and scared and angry and you were there and I had to take it out on someone but…but I was wrong. I would have thought I was dead too from what I’ve read about what happened and…”
Knowing that Jamie could babble on forever if he got a chance, Adam decided it was his turn to do the interrupting and did so with a loud sigh of exasperation.
“For gods sake Jamie shut up and let me apologise!”
Ignoring the slightly wounded look on Jamie’s face he continued:
“You were right to be angry.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Yes you were.” Adam replied with a growl of frustration. “You were right; what you said in the infirmary. We wouldn’t have found you if you hadn’t sent that message. We weren’t looking and I’m sorry. But if there had been any reason to think you were alive then…”
“I know.” Jamie replied quietly sitting down on the end of the bed “At least I understand now why Chuck gave you the letter.”
From the very first days of the expedition, following the deaths of Colonel Sumner and others at the hands of the Wraith, people had started writing letters to be delivered in the event of their deaths. The threat felt so much realer, what with being disconnected from Earth and the all too real presence of the reawakened Wraith, that a large number of both the military and civilian populations wanted there to be at least some sort of chance to say goodbye, in case they died before they had the chance to say it properly themselves. The letters were always addressed to someone else on the expedition, even if the content wasn’t meant specifically for them; messages to be passed on to their families and loved ones back on Earth in case they ever re-established contact with the SGC. Another constant was that, after being written, the letters were always given to Chuck for safekeeping. He wasn’t the Chief Gate technician back then but he still seemed to know who everyone was and everyone trusted him to keep the unspoken promise that he would make sure their letter reached its destination following their deaths.
“Why did you write just ‘Bye.’?” Adam asked voicing the question he’d wanted to ask ever since Chuck had handed him the letter only two hours after they had believed Jamie had died.
“It seemed like the most important thing to say.” Jamie replied “I hoped you just knew the rest.”
Adam nodded. Even though he had known or at least had a feeling that he’d known everything else that Jamie had meant and left unsaid the letter hadn’t given him the closure that the whole premise of the letters was supposed to provide. Two years had passed and the closest he’d come to actual closure was when he told Colonel Sheppard that Jamie was dead, just a few hours before that fact was proved to be false.
As a slightly awkward silence began to descend on them Adam decided to change the subject.
“You’ve read about what happened?”
“Yeah…I’ve been catching up on everything that’s happened since I…” he trailed off but they both knew what he meant. “Doctor Weir wanted to know if I saw anyone else from Atlantis where I was, but I hadn’t.” he paused again “There’ve been a lot of losses haven’t there.”
“Yeah.” Adam replied heavily. No matter how long you have to get used to these things you never truly ‘get used’ to seeing people you know and see on a daily basis dying; even if you know it’s just another part of being involved in something so dangerous.
“Everything’s changed.” Jamie said quietly “I barely recognise the place…I barely recognise anyone here. Everyone I knew seems to be gone…Bates…Ford…Tone…is anything the same?”
“Well…” began Adam sitting down on the bed near Jamie “…at any given time you can still hear Doctors McKay and Zelenka arguing…Crosby still writes really awful poetry…Kages is still getting outsmarted by the doors to his quarters...”
“Still?” Jamie asked incredulously.
“Still.” Adam confirmed with a smirk. “Barton can still cause trouble without being near anyone or anything, and I…I’m still here.”
“Still the same?”
“More or less.”
The silence returned but this time it was Jamie that broke it.
“I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would be like when I finally got back here but I guess I just didn’t think things through properly. I thought it would be easier, I thought it wouldn’t hurt so much…I didn’t think I’d get here to find out that we could now contact Earth only to find out that I can never go home.”
Adam didn’t know what to say. Jamie was right; he couldn’t go home again to his family. They’d been informed of his death; they’d grieved, had a memorial service for him, and had spent two years believing he was dead; just as they had. It was alright for them though, they experienced strange things on a daily basis, even coming back from the dead wasn’t really such a big thing following Doctor Daniel Jackson’s numerous supposed deaths, but Jamie’s family wouldn’t be prepared for such things; how could they turn around two years later and say ‘we were wrong he’s alive’, without causing more problems and heartache than they would remedy.
He realised there really was nothing he could say to make things better so he settled for just resting his hand on Jamie’s shoulder.
Jamie sighed. “I really missed you.”
“I missed you too.” He replied quietly.
The silence returned yet again but neither chose to break it; they didn’t need to. This wasn’t the time for deep and meaningful conversations about the future or even if there was a future for them in the way that there was a past.
There was no need for confessions of feelings, further apologies or regrets. Jamie had literally been through hell and Adam had been through so much too; they didn’t need to hash over anything else, explain their motives, hopes or fears. All Jamie needed was to know that he was not alone and all Adam needed was to know that Jamie was safe and alive.
They just remained the way they were, silently supporting each other through their mere presences. There would be a time for deeper conversations, but not that day.