Going to Iraq
Scared.. heh.. I never knew what being scared was about until now. For as long as I could remember I have always been afraid I was going to die a tragic death. Now I face the reality of deployment. The reality and possibility I might not make it home alive. Im scared. I spend most of my day pondering if I die... What will it be like for everyone I leave behind. Who will be at my funeral. What will life be like without me. I fear causing pain in everyone I love. I want to quit. People tell me to quit. For some reason I just cant. I gave my word. If I break it, I lose all respect for myself. I will be a coward. Quiting will be so desrespectfull to all that have fallen. I cant get over how afraid I am. It feels like hopelessness. Like Im doomed. Oh my god I wish It would all just go away. Every moment I sent with Amie I cheerish. My hand on her stomach waiting for our daughter Kaylie to come into this world. I dont want Kaylie to grow up without me there. I want her to know I love her. I guess thats why Im writing this. If I dont make it back. I want something left behind.