(no subject)
I hate having feelings, and I especially hate when I can't control my feelings. I have every reason to be happy right now, yet all I do is think of the negatives of the situation. I don't know why I can't just focus on what is important - that I have found someone to make me happy and that she wants to be with me.
The other night we talked about the future, and what would happen in two weeks. I never expected her to say yes, she wanted to be with me, even when I go away to school. I was really surprised. I've given her a lot of chances to back out of this, to say we should just be friends, and she has yet to take me up on it. She wants to be with me, she says she loves me and is willing to make this work. She tells me constantly how much she loves me and misses me, so why am I so scared? Is it because I have been hurt before, or that I'm worried about what will happen when we don't see each other for weeks at a time, or is this just normal? All I know is that when I'm with her I couldn't have a care in the world, but as soon as she is gone my stomach goes into knots and my emotions completely control me. I need to learn how to back off just a little, to trust her words and her actions. And if she does change her mind, then there is nothing I can do, so why worry about it now?
I wish my thoughts could change, that my emotions and my logic would be one and the same, but instead I am being ruled by my heart, which can be good, but can definitely be bad. I want to not wake up each morning wondering if she changed her mind. I want to feel what I feel when I'm with her all the time.
The other night we talked about the future, and what would happen in two weeks. I never expected her to say yes, she wanted to be with me, even when I go away to school. I was really surprised. I've given her a lot of chances to back out of this, to say we should just be friends, and she has yet to take me up on it. She wants to be with me, she says she loves me and is willing to make this work. She tells me constantly how much she loves me and misses me, so why am I so scared? Is it because I have been hurt before, or that I'm worried about what will happen when we don't see each other for weeks at a time, or is this just normal? All I know is that when I'm with her I couldn't have a care in the world, but as soon as she is gone my stomach goes into knots and my emotions completely control me. I need to learn how to back off just a little, to trust her words and her actions. And if she does change her mind, then there is nothing I can do, so why worry about it now?
I wish my thoughts could change, that my emotions and my logic would be one and the same, but instead I am being ruled by my heart, which can be good, but can definitely be bad. I want to not wake up each morning wondering if she changed her mind. I want to feel what I feel when I'm with her all the time.