Long time
It has been a very long time since I last posted an entry on my journal. It's currently 12:34 AM, and I can't go to sleep. I'm so stressed. First of all, a lot has changed since my last entry. I graduated from USF, got married, and we now have a son that is about to be 4 months old. I've been a stay at home mom since our son was born, and it's about time for me to get back to work. I've realized that I really do want to be a teacher. I had a bad internship and wasn't sure if I still wanted to do it. Now I know I do, but I'm not certified in this state as I have moved. I need to take some classes to get certified, but this will require me to take out a large student loan to pay for the classes, tests, day care, gas, and any other expenses that may arrise. This makes me nervous because once I'm done, I need a job to pay for the student loans. I can become a substitute teacher, which is fine if that's what I have to do. However, this means working a job that comes with no benefits. Granted, I can say no to working, but I will have no health insurance for me or my son. My son is taken care of for awhile now, but in about 8 months he may lose his insurance. Then where do we get it from? I guess we will have to deal with that when it comes. It stresses me out so bad to know that I have to take a financial risk in order to make our future better. I guess that's normal, but it worries me. I hate the idea of owing any more money than we already do. I hate being in debt. I want to take out enough to take care of some of our debts, but that doesn't really help either. We aren't paying on all of our debts, so if we put money toward them, it doesn't help us out in our month to month situation. It would just help us in the long run. I think the best bet would be to at least take out enough that when I'm done with school, we won't be completely broke. Hopefully I will find a job after school whether it's substituting or another job. I can also begin the process of finding a teaching job as well. In the mean time, I would just work and we would be paying bills and taking care of student loans and stuff. It just worries me because we owe so much money already including to our in laws. I worry we won't be able to pay my student loan as well as all our other bills. Now I pay about $84 a month for them. If I take out another loan for a large amount, I could be paying almost $200 a month! Maybe in that case consolidating loans is the way to go, but still, what if we don't have the money? Not to mention that with whatever job I get comes more bills such as day care, health insurance, gas, other car expenses, and emergency money. We try our best to save our money, but it's not working very well. I always say that we should stop spending money on things we don't need, but then I decide that I want something extravagant for dinner such as homemade egg rolls. This requires us to spend about $15 just for one meal. I could have easily had a much cheaper meal. I'm so disappointed in myself and so stressed out. Why can't life be easier? Am I really learning anything with all the difficulties I've faced? I mean, really, all I realize is that life is so stressful. I mean, I want to get certified so I can teach and make a better life for my family. However, it requires me to risk our finances to do so. Is it worth the risk? I'm sure it seems like it is, but it scares me because I don't ever want to end up with a day where my son doesn't have health insurance. I really need some help. Let's just hope God hears my prayers tonight and will help me get through this emotionally, mentally, and financially. This is certainly a time where I wish my dad were more willing to help. He has the money to help me pay for school, but he has never helped and he never will. God, I need your help right now. Thanks for listening to my rant of stress.